Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology

Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology: The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed an...

Universal Apology

The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed and Betty White will be reincarnated as Betty White…the baby.

Helloooo Newman: Resolution

Helloooo Newman: Resolution: Gonna take more time for myself next year. It's so important, self care is. Put my feet up, try and watch more of The Real Housewives of...

Resolution

Gonna take more time for myself next year. It's so important, self care is. Put my feet up, try and watch more of The Real Housewives of Dallas.

That kind of thing.

Good luck with whatever your exciting resolutions are.

Helloooo Newman: KFC

Helloooo Newman: KFC: No, I'm not having KFC tonight because I enjoy it. I read on the Internet that it kills Covid. K ill F ucking C ovid

KFC

No, I'm not having KFC tonight because I enjoy it. I read on the Internet that it kills Covid.

Kill Fucking Covid

Helloooo Newman: Fun with Killing

Helloooo Newman: Fun with Killing: Something of note about the human race is that we enjoy killing people more than helping them. Take video games. Most are about us killing p...

Fun with Killing

Something of note about the human race is that we enjoy killing people more than helping them.

Take video games. Most are about us killing people, or watching people being killed in various tragic ways. And it's point-of-view killing. You are the gun sight. As close to the killing as you can get, virtually.

Call of Duty: Black Ops is NOT about an operating room that saves people from myocardial infarction. 

It could just as easily have been the opposite, but it's not.

You can't buy Call of Duty: Family Doctor

Your mission: Billy has a high fever, the back of his knees hurt and he's hurling obscenities at his classmates.

What's wrong with Billy? Seasonal Tourettes flu? Is he just a bad seed?

We want to heal Billy, not double tap his family with a .338 Lapua Magnum.

I wonder if aliens are the same. Do they get away from it all with mass carnage of their own species? Do they relax and feel accomplished with a record 120 head shots? (if they have heads)

Maybe some day we'll meet them and find out. Compare games. If they're the same, we can start killing each other's species, virtually.

Call of Duty: Off World Homicide

Helloooo Newman: Still Learning After All These Years

Helloooo Newman: Still Learning After All These Years: It's reassuring that at my advanced age I can still learn new things. Yesterday I tried some Timbiebs and I learned the body can undergo...

Still Learning After All These Years

It's reassuring that at my advanced age I can still learn new things.

Yesterday I tried some Timbiebs and I learned the body can undergo a profoundly brutal and mysterious form a diarrhea and still survive.

Won't go into the details here. My medical records are online if you want to peruse them.

Think bullet train travelling through your colon covered in tacks (pointy ends out) and a mixture of blood sausage, sweet breads and chocolate milk as passengers on that train.

By the way, Timbiebs is copyrighted so don't try and steal the idea.

Helloooo Newman: A Christmas Like No Other

Helloooo Newman: A Christmas Like No Other: This year I'm going all out on my gifts.  Money is no object. In fact, I want to spend more. Up the Xmas value. Generosity plus. Impulsi...

A Christmas Like No Other

This year I'm going all out on my gifts. 

Money is no object. In fact, I want to spend more. Up the Xmas value. Generosity plus.

Impulsive, but life is short. Spread the cheer.

You guessed it. I'm getting everyone…groceries.

Loaf of bread. Breakfast cereal. Meat. Something precious.

There's gonna be a lot of happy people around me this Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Saved my Bacon

Helloooo Newman: Saved my Bacon: Boy, you really saved my bacon! Has that ever been done? Has anyone ever saved anyone's bacon in human history? It's never happened....

Saved my Bacon

Boy, you really saved my bacon!

Has that ever been done? Has anyone ever saved anyone's bacon in human history?

It's never happened.

If I make 10 slices of bacon, give you 3 and ask you to save the rest for sandwiches later, will you do it? Of course not. This is not a bird in your hand, and it doesn't matter that it's worth more than the bush.

This is bacon. The expiry date of bacon is NOW. Eat it before it goes bad.

Save a whale if you want. Save the forests. The planet.

No one saves bacon.

Helloooo Newman: Cryptocurrency

Helloooo Newman: Cryptocurrency: For about 1/64th of a second last Tuesday I understood what cryptocurrency is. Then it disappeared.

Cryptocurrency

For about 1/64th of a second last Tuesday I understood what cryptocurrency is. Then it disappeared.

Helloooo Newman: The Clapper

Helloooo Newman: The Clapper: Have you ever met anyone that actually owns the Clapper? Me neither. I'd love to install the Clapper in a big concert hall, like Radio C...

The Clapper

Have you ever met anyone that actually owns the Clapper?

Me neither.

I'd love to install the Clapper in a big concert hall, like Radio City Music Hall. End of the concert, awesome light show.

Helloooo Newman: Jobs I Want

Helloooo Newman: Jobs I Want: This is a news series available on Helloooo Newman only. I'll discuss high profile jobs that I want and could perform as well, or much b...

Jobs I Want

This is a news series available on Helloooo Newman only.

I'll discuss high profile jobs that I want and could perform as well, or much better than, the person who actually does the job.

This instalment: John Wick.

Canada's own Keanu Reeves plays an ex-assassin (John Wick, obviously) who keeps coming back for more fun and death.

In John Wick: Chapter Two, my favourite scene lasts about 4 minutes. Riveting as it is, Keanu's dialogue for the entire scene is:

"Yes"

Imagine being the dialogue coach.

Keanu: Line!!

Coach: Ah what? Oh, line. YES!

Keanu: Line? What's my line?

Coach: YES!

Keanu: No

Coach: No, it's YES!

Keanu: Yes or no? Which is it?

Coach: I'm taking the blue pill right now

Why do I think I could perform this scene better? Well, as Keanu says "YES", he tilts his head, but he tilts it the wrong way. Totally wrong way given the scene, what came before, the subtext and the number of people's heads that are blown off. I would do a swivel and a tilt to the left. But that's me. Different schools.

Plus I would change the character name.

Herbie Clawson. Much better ring to it.

Brinks

If you're a news junkie, then you believe that everything is on the brink of collapse.

With the pandemic still a thing, the health care system is, guess what? On the brink of collapse. I used the health care system a few weeks ago and it seemed fairly steady. Some paint coming off the walls but that's it. It definitely wasn't perfect, perfect being zero wait time, all the staff completely devoted to me, no one else in the hospital, free parking and several nurses flirting with me. Didn't collapse.

Speaking of nurses. Yup. Nurses are on the brink of collapse. So are teachers, waiters and waitresses, hairstylists, police, doctors (including eye), anyone with a job, really. And the jobless. On the brink.

Yesterday I read that the oceans are on the brink of collapse. Not life in the ocean, but the ocean itself. What does that mean? Will they no longer be water?

Forgot the media, who report all this brinkmanship. Brinking towards collapse.

Not accounting. You never hear of accountants being on the brink of collapse. Or lawyers. What are they doing right?

What about politicians. Don't you wish a lot of them would collapse?

How long can something be on the brink? Seems like a good question. When did the brink start, what was before it, when will it end, and what comes after it? Complete collapse, I assume. I have trouble thinking of something big like health care completely and utterly collapsing. That would mean millions of sick people wandering the streets because there are no hospitals, no doctors and nurses, no colonoscopies. Will the doctors give up their Mercedes that easily?

My last game of Jenga. That collapsed before my eyes. But I just rebuilt it.

The biggest thing on the brink of collapse is, obviously, Western civilization. Oh shit, and the climate too. Brink, brink, brink, brink brink, brink. Brink.

Guess what I heard yesterday. Brinks Security Company. On the brink.

Things are getting serious.

Helloooo Newman: Brinks

Helloooo Newman: Brinks: If you're a news junkie, then you believe that everything is on the brink of collapse. With the pandemic still a thing, the health care ...

Justin Time

 

Good grief, it's been a tough year and a half in Canada, hasn't it?

The list of woes is long – pandemic, inflation, rents on the rise again, crazy house prices, can't hire anyone, the wrath of climate change, glasses constantly fogging up. Our American friends are going through the same turmoil.

We thought the vaccine would bring swift relief and a return to normalcy. It kinda has, but not really, and we have to deal with mutations and mutant people who won't get vaccinated.

I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering if and when Canada can pull itself out of this stinking pit of despair.

Well, my friends, the great news to lift us all out of this doldrums-of-a-decade has finally arrived.

I draw your attention to the beautiful picture above.

What are they, you ask. Kidney stones, you reply.

Of course not. 

These, my fellow Canadians, are Timbiebs, and they're poised to turn this fine country into a Shangri-La. A period beyond the energy and festivities of the Roaring Twenties. An epoch that makes the Enlightenment look like A Three Stooges episode.

Finally, Justin Bieber's talent and Tim Hortons fine cuisine join hands to say, "The world needs more Canada…and kidney stones, timbits."

Sorry, they aren't kidney stones, although that might be one of the flavours.

In a scientificious analysis, Timbiebs are shown to cure:

• IBS, including the IBS you get from consuming Tim Hortons food

• lethargy, including the lethargy you feel waiting in a Tim Hortons food line

• poverty, including the poverty you experience working at Tim Hortons

So, I want you to do something for me.

I want you all right now to get up and go to the window, open it and stick your head out and yell, "I'm as happy as Hell about Timbiebs and I'm gonna eat more and more of them."

You're a human being and you deserve to be happy.

Helloooo Newman: Justin Time

Helloooo Newman: Justin Time:   Good grief, it's been a tough year and a half in Canada, hasn't it? The list of woes is long – pandemic, inflation, rents on the r...

Book Club

I'd start a book club but the first rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Helloooo Newman: Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Book Club: I'd start a book club but the number one rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank: Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you? Okay, it wasn&#39...

Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you?

Okay, it wasn't all the way. I didn't laugh from the second I left my house to the moment I entered the bank. It was really just before I entered the bank. A short guffaw. Laughing the entire trip would have looked pretty damn weird. Especially since no one else would come with me.

Anyway, it didn't really do much for me, so I wouldn't particularly recommend it. I know, laughing is suppose to put you in a good mood. The problem was the destination. My bank. As soon as I got in there, I was depressed because…I'm broke.

The only one laughing was the bank manager.

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting: Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them. I get it. Wasn...

Bad Will Hunting

Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them.

I get it. Wasn't clear on that, but I will factor this into my future travel plans.

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral: I've been to 8 weddings in my life. I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's b...

Eight Weddings and a Funeral

I've been to 8 weddings in my life.

I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's because all funerals are like going to the same funeral over and over again. All dead people are the same. No personality. Not much fun to be around.

But the alive people at the funeral are quite enjoyable. Ever notice there's just as much laughter at a funeral as there is at a wedding? Here's a typical conversation at a funeral: nice weather we're having eh? Ha ha ha ha ha, that's so funny, oh man, ha ha ha, I hope I don't die. Please don't take me. Not know.

I probably won't attend my own funeral, unless I can have a good standup act to officiate. 

If you look carefully, weddings and funerals are not what they seem to be. With a 50% divorce rate, at a wedding you're probably saying goodbye to a wonderful friendship that will die in a few years.

If you believe in Heaven, then no one at a funeral has really died, you're actually celebrating the start of a new afterlife and you're there mostly for the wings.

People ask me if I believe in an afterlife. God, I hope not. I'm looking forward to absolute nothingness. That's where I came from before I was born and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I was watching the Long Island Medium the other day as she used her bushy blonde hair to tune into dead people. Why doesn't she every contact people in Hell? She should do a Hell special and contact Jeffrey Epstein. She can have his friends Prince Andrew and Bill Clinton on too. They could use a sneak peak at where they're headed. 

We don't really know much about Hell, do we? Other than it's fucking hot. How hot, exactly? Is it a dry heat? Is it getting hotter with climate change? Are their cooling centres for people on good behaviour?

I'm off to a funeral today. Actually, they call it a visitation. By the way, Death, I'm just visiting, okay?

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End: I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her c...

Coming to a Swift End

I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her calls.

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.

Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.

Helloooo Newman: False Flag

Helloooo Newman: False Flag:  How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.

False Flag

 How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween, Catholicism Style

Helloooo Newman: Halloween, Catholicism Style: This year the Pope is dressing up for halloween as a person who gives a shit about the welfare of children.

Halloween, Catholicism Style

This year the Pope is dressing up for halloween as a person who gives a shit about the welfare of children.

Canine Crimes

The French Bulldog is a canine crime in the making.

You'll find these creatures everywhere and more and more popular. If you can't picture one, imagine a rump roast for a body, enlarged prostate for a face, four ginger-root like stubby legs and a brain stem. Fashioned in the correct way, you have a French Bulldog. Isn't evolution amazing.

Oh, and imagine you were born and had to breath through two very thin twisty straws your entire life.

One more thing. Your heart beats faster than a hummingbird's wings every minute – your entire life.

Not sure why they are French, except that they are as bad an idea as poutine for your national cuisine.

This insanity extends to the owners of these "dogs". 

The one client we had with a French Bulldog started our conversation out this way: we don't want our dog peeing or crapping on our lawn so please don't do that. Check. Crap on the neighbours lawn. 

Apparently they rented their lawn out as a golf course. Unfortunately this policy extended to their house guests, who weren't allowed to use the washrooms and had to run to the neighbours with the dog.

We walked this dog, Harvey, for half an hour, twice a week. That's one hour per week. Quite the workout program. It certainly rivals Goop. And "walking" is a bit of an exaggeration. I kind of rolled him along like I would a rump roast in salt and pepper for a more flavourful meat. This seemed completely natural to Harvey. What does he know? I'm sure he looks in the mirror and sees Lassie. Good for him.

Anyway, the client fired us. Shit. Was Harvey unhappy? What does an unhappy prostate look like? I'll ask my doctor during my next exam. Did I accidentally let him crap on his own lawn and he snitched? If I were him I would have crapped all over my owner's bed as a big "fuck you" to where I can crap.

Nope. He wasn't losing enough weight. Apparently the back-breaking, marathon-tested one hour workout wasn't turning Harvey from a rump roast into a breakfast sausage.

But, they had a very nice lawn.

Helloooo Newman: Canine Crimes

Helloooo Newman: Canine Crimes: The French Bulldog is a canine crime in the making. You'll find these creatures everywhere and more and more popular. If you can't p...

Helloooo Newman: Supply Chain

Helloooo Newman: Supply Chain:  Went to buy some chains – but the damn supply chain

Supply Chain

 Went to buy some chains – but the damn supply chain

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Doodling

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Doodling: Being in the dog world, it's safe for me to say there is far too much doodling going on. Doodling, canine-wise, is the practice of mixin...

Too Much Doodling

Being in the dog world, it's safe for me to say there is far too much doodling going on.

Doodling, canine-wise, is the practice of mixing poodle with every other dog breed on earth. The goal is to have a nice family dog that has no personality, no ambition as a dog, and looks as bland as a bowl of cold oatmeal.

What ever happened to the Dalmation? Distinctive dog. The jersey cow in dog form. Creative, interesting, and has the ability to act in movies.

The next doodle on the assembly line is the Subdoodle – a poodle mixed with the white bread from a Subway sandwich. 

Get your Subdoodle franchise today.

Helloooo Newman: De-Facedbook

Helloooo Newman: De-Facedbook: I've de-faced myself. Okay, not completely. I'm still on Facebook, but I will no longer check it. Consequently, Facebook has sent me...

De-Facedbook

I've de-faced myself.

Okay, not completely. I'm still on Facebook, but I will no longer check it. Consequently, Facebook has sent me about fourteen thousand notifications to view…Facebook. An important message. A new memory. That's my favourite. I have trouble remembering the important things in my life without the help of Facebook.

Shit, did I get married? Thanks, Facebook.

There's a right-wing rally just down the street from me? Be right there.

So, Facebook is now just a vehicle for transmitting my world-renowned blog, much like Dulcolax helps transmit feces into your toilet.

If you want to wish me happy birthday, you'll have to resort to sky-writing or make a donation in my name to my favourite brewery.

Bye Facebook. I know you'll mss me.

Helloooo Newman: Truth and Tofino

Helloooo Newman: Truth and Tofino:   Do you know where this is? You should know soon because this is where Canadians will go to "celebrate" Truth and Reconciliation ...

Truth and Tofino

 

Do you know where this is?

You should know soon because this is where Canadians will go to "celebrate" Truth and Reconciliation Day.

Hey Canada, you voted for him.