Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him

Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him: More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine. Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump ask...

I Barely Know Him

More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine.

Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I barely know the man. I hear he's a reputable lawyer, but don't know him.

Mike Pompeo: Yes, Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: Listen, I barely know the guy. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Mike Pence: I was there and Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I run into him in the halls, but I barely know him. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Melania Trump: Last night in bed Donny-poops said that he asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: We're married, but I barely know her. I barely know my other wives too. Or the women I assaulted and raped. I hear they're all sweet. Barely know them.

Barron Trump: I think daddy did something bad to squids and crows.

Donald Trump: I barely know the kid. I've seen his tiny suits hanging in the closet. Maybe we met once, maybe twice. Nice kid. Don't know him.

God. In his prayers, Donald Trump definitely asked for a quid pro quo with Ukraine.

Donald Trump: God who? I don't know the man. In fact, I've never met him. Can you find a picture of me with him? No.

I barely know them.

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel: It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898, time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about t...

Time Travel

It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898 (gathering and hewing wood), time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about to go extinct from climate change. Exciting times.

Helloooo Newman: Tumour

Helloooo Newman: Tumour: I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour. Oh, that tumour is the ...

Tumour

I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour.

Oh, that tumour is the size of a grapefruit. Same with pears. Never eggs for some reason.

Can we pick something other than food to measure tumour size? I don't want to eat a tumour. It causes tumours. How about just using a tape measure.

Golf ball is a better choice. Golf is an annoying and stupid game and shouldn't exist, just like tumours are annoying and stupid.

These days I only eat the fruits that can't be compared to tumours – banana, pineapple (you'd be dead if the tumour were that big), screw pine (because no one's heard of it).

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest: My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Vision Quest

My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Helloooo Newman: Canada Finally Pops its Cherry

Helloooo Newman: Canada Finally Pops its Cherry: Hey, I'm as shocked as you are.

Canada Finally Pops its Cherry

Hey, I'm as shocked as you are.

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem: Fuck Old Man Winter. Fuck him. Fuuuuuuck him slowly. Fck him fast. Fuck him sdrawkcab. Fuck him forwards. On top. On bottom. ...

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow: Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's dr...

The First Snow

Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's drive like it's the first time we've ever driven in snow. Let's walk like it's the first day we've ever walked in snow. Let's shut the subway down because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's send out the firetrucks because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's watch the power go out because it's the first time it's ever snowed.

And let's pretend like it's the last time it will ever snow.

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of cours...

No Hookers

Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of course I want hookers to stop by.

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style: Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered". Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Single, Emma Watson Style

Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered".

Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For: There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Worth Killing For

There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas: It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols?  I need Christmas carols crashing through my eardrums.

Black Christmas

It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols? 

You expect me to get through 2 solid months without Christmas music?

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable: Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food? That would be like ...

The Mind of a Vegetable

Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food?

That would be like me talking about KFC all day, and telling everyone they really need more fried chicken in their diet.

Fried chicken is one of the few signs of evidence I accept that God exists. I went to Florida not too long ago and the supermarket there had the most wonderful, juicy, crispy, golden brown, delicious, just-perfectly-cooked, hot, crispy, golden brown and juicy (and most wonderful) fried chicken. Made right there in front of you. The chicken starts out white and kind of yucky looking, but after not too long it develops this beautiful glittering gold tan colour that your mouth is just dying to crunch into. Like a beautiful woman tanning on a tropical beach. That beautiful blanket of greasy goodness swaddles the meat, so you end up with juicy, sweet and tender chicken. The dichotomy of the crispy skin and the melting chicken meat startles you at first, but then sends a signal to your brain that your body is undergoing something wonderful. Every bite is an emotional journey into my childhood, when I first took a bite of KFC and found God. You really should try it if you haven't. Until then, you haven't lived. You are missing out on a religious experience like no other.

But, you know, I don't go on about it like vegetarians do.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec

Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec: I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Halloween In Quebec

I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog: I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Dr. Dog

I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls: I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator .

Sex Dolls

I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator.

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis: Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election. Justin Trudeau lost the popular vot...

Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election.

Justin Trudeau lost the popular vote. This means not that many people want free camping. They are either completely rational people who hate sleeping on a rock, getting rain-soaked, visiting a disgusting outhouse, listening to other families fight, and, gosh darn, don't get their coffee at Tim Hortons, or they love it so much they are willing to go bankrupt to do it.

But…he won the most seats. This means they like camping, but not in a national park. They'd rather camp at a place like the King Edward Hotel for rich people, or maybe just in a house they can barely afford.

Andrew Scheer won the popular vote. This means people do want free admission into museums and art galleries, one of his benchmark promises.

But…he won fewer seats than Justin. This means people don't want to go to museums to see old fossils and scary spiders. They want to see stuff like politicians that have substance, maybe a live sex show, and groceries, home renovation equipment, clothes, medications, tv's and liquor. Basically everything but old fossils and scary spiders.

Boom!

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Minority Report

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Minority Report: Is the free camping still on?

Canada's Minority Report

Is the free camping still on?

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise: I love election day because instead of actually exercising, getting sweaty, out of breath and all that shit, I just exercise my franchise. ...

The Importance of Exercising your Franchise

I love election day because instead of actually exercising, getting sweaty, out of breath and all that shit, I just exercise my franchise. Followed by a plate full of wings.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gut

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gut: My beer gut is getting big enough that I think they'll finally let me into pre-natal yoga classes.

Beer Gut

My beer gut is getting big enough that I think they'll finally let me into pre-natal yoga classes.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Files

Helloooo Newman: Dog Files: This is Jackson, one of my dogs. Walking Jackson is like walking a cement truck, only the cement truck is smarter and more obedient. ...

Dog Files

This is Jackson, one of my dogs.

Walking Jackson is like walking a cement truck, only the cement truck is smarter and more obedient.

Others think he's cute. One time a lady came up to pet him and Jackson developed a hard-on the size of a goalie's hockey stick. How embarrassing. For Jackson.

Ever since that incident, instead of calling him Jacks-on, I call him Jacks-off.

He craps like an elephant and has the memory of a toaster.

Sure. I love him for his faults.

Helloooo Newman: Bond Movie

Helloooo Newman: Bond Movie: I hear that in the new Bond movie, James fails to save the world, and instead chokes to death on a Jimmy Dean sausage while undercover in Da...

Bond Movie

I hear that in the new Bond movie, James fails to save the world, and instead chokes to death on a Jimmy Dean sausage while undercover in Dayton.

The hero this time is his son, Savings.

The peace is kept by his daughter, Dura.

But they're both Russian assets.

Helloooo Newman: Dates

Helloooo Newman: Dates: I use to date a girl that looked 20% like Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks and 80% like Chuck Norris. I called her Chick Norris.

Dates

I use to date a girl that looked 20% like Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks and 80% like Chuck Norris. I called her Chick Norris.

Helloooo Newman: Changing My Political Underwear

Helloooo Newman: Changing My Political Underwear: I'm changing my political mind like underwear in this election. I was all set to choose free camping from the "everything is free...

Changing My Political Gotchies

I'm changing my political mind like gotchies in this election.

I was all set to choose free camping from the "everything is free" Liberal party.

Then Scheer stupidity offered…free museums.

Not a day goes by that I don't resent having to pay to see dinosaur bones, mummy portraits and stuffed mastodons. I have an ancient axe to grind about it, which you can view in the early man section.

You know why Scheer loves museums? Because that's where he dusts off all his ancient ideas about things.

Tell me he doesn't look like a figure in a wax museum…which will have free admission.

We're lucky to have all this free-dom.

Helloooo Newman: Director's Cut

Helloooo Newman: Director's Cut: I went to the theatre last night. Saw Romeo and Juliet – the Director's cut. Way better than the original.

Director's Cut

I went to the theatre last night. Saw Romeo and Juliet – the Director's cut. Way better than the original.

Helloooo Newman: Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada

Helloooo Newman: Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada: Shaping up to be a nail-biter Canadian election, eh? I had just decided to vote for Sheer and then realized I was doing it out of sheer bl...

Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada

Shaping up to be a nail-biter Canadian election, eh?

I had just decided to vote for Sheer and then realized I was doing it out of sheer blindness. The guy pretended to be an insurance salesman. And it wasn't even Halloween. Obviously Sheer was tired of having sex around this time of his life. Of course, being a conservative, he can't enjoy sex anyway. I'm sure Trudeau was looking for sex by painting his face black. I love a clear choice.

But, gotta say, Trudeau clinched it for me. Dude's gonna give me $2000 to go camping. Fuckin' ya. What Canadian doesn't have a right to play road hockey, go camping and follow it up with some timbits? Of course, I could really use the $2000 for some adult braces so I can have the prefect smile, like Justin. Oh well, gotta make sacrifices.

Legend has it the government paid for Tom Thomson to go camping too. Oh shit, he drowned. Yo, Justin, can you throw in some swimming lessons?

Meanwhile, in the US, people will be camping out to watch the impeachment live. And they have to pay for it themselves.

Helloooo Newman: Plant-Based Burger Plant

Helloooo Newman: Plant-Based Burger Plant: Scientists, gardeners, arborists and geneticists have worked together to create the first ever burger plant. That's right. Instead of ...