Helloooo Newman: Shopping Days

Helloooo Newman: Shopping Days: Only 17,885 shopping days left until I finish buying my xmas gifts when I'm 103. The stress is getting to me.

Shopping Days

Only 17,885 shopping days left until I finish buying my xmas gifts when I'm 103.

The stress is getting to me.

Helloooo Newman: Snoredom

Helloooo Newman: Snoredom: Have you ever noticed that snoring doesn't bother dogs? I don't get it. Last night my wife was sawing down an entire forest ...

Snoredom

Have you ever noticed that snoring doesn't bother dogs? I don't get it.

Last night my wife was sawing down an entire forest of highly valuable trees (Redwoods) with her nasal passages and Newman was lost in his Little House on the Prairie quiet country scene. Meanwhile, huge chunks of bark were filling my quivering eyelids.

I was not on the Prairie. It was more reminiscent of Tarantino, The Inglorious Snorers or Snorer Unchained.

Why can't Newman just slap her in the face so she'll turn over? Saves me from doing it. When I do that I get in big trouble. Sleeping in the garage kind of trouble.

For Newman, the garage is a great find, like discovering that real gem on Dog House Hunters International. "It took a bit of time, but I've really made this place my own. Like the squirrel lamp?"

There's something unique about the snore sound wave. It cuts deep into the ear canal and beats the ear drum, first in a steady, junglesque rhythm and then, as the sleeper stops breathing, it turns into a Buddy Rich solo.

I should write more but I'm really tired. And I'm dying of snoredom.

PS: I could not find a photo of a man trying to stop a woman from snoring. That will all change with Trump.

Helloooo Newman: Mast-a-Don

Helloooo Newman: Mast-a-Don: It looks like someone slept in this morning? I mean, this flag should be at half mast, no? Or maybe bottom mast. Has there ever b...

Mast-a-Don

It looks like someone slept in this morning?

I mean, this flag should be at half mast, no?

Or maybe bottom mast. Has there ever been a bottom mast?

Helloooo Newman: Let's Pretend

Helloooo Newman: Let's Pretend: I'm just gonna pretend that everything's okay. Life is all pretend from now on.

Let's Pretend

I'm just gonna pretend that everything's okay.

Life is all pretend from now on.

Helloooo Newman: Election 2016

Helloooo Newman: Election 2016: I'm voting with my fingers and my face.

Election 2016

I'm voting with my fingers and my face.

Helloooo Newman: Taking the Bate

Helloooo Newman: Taking the Bate: I was at a party last week and someone used the word "exacerbating" . I, personally, stay away from this word. People shou...

Taking the Bate

I was at a party last week and someone used the word "exacerbating".

I, personally, stay away from this word.

People should be really careful when using words that end in "-bate" or "-bating".

Exacerbating has always sounded to me like a really painful episode of masturbating. Like they did it with a pair of scissors or a Gillette razor. And there was a lot of blood. A lot!

Using the English language is a big responsibility, you know.

Helloooo Newman: Captain's Blog

Helloooo Newman: Captain's Blog: Stardate 1237.after the bar closed. The transporter has been finicky of late. It split me into two: Kirk the bad actor and Kirk the ...

Captain's Blog

Stardate 1237.after the bar closed.

The transporter has been finicky of late. It split me into two: Kirk the bad actor and Kirk the even badder actor. The badder one is taking lessons from Spock on how to find the emotional centre of a character.

Stardate 1764.after sex with Uhura.

Friggin transporter. This time it scrambled me, putting the vagina of a co-worker where my mouth should be. Every time I said the words "shields up" I had an orgasm, so I kept saying it. The shields broke. Now I have to be very careful when I bed Romulans. On the upside, I saved a civilization with one of my great speeches and it became known across Starfleet as the "Vagina Monologue".

Stardate 1856.after masturbating to an old fling on Omicron Ceti III.

Again with the transporter. It turned me orange. I ran for President of Starfleet, on the banner "Make Starfleet Great Again" and reminding people that all Klingons are rapists and murderers. I lost. The galaxy breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Spending Time

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Spending Time: Daylight Saving Time (officially, it is not "Savings") should really be called Daylight Spending Time . The two biggest pr...

Daylight Spending Time

Daylight Saving Time (officially, it is not "Savings") should really be called Daylight Spending Time.

The two biggest proponents of DST are the golf industry and the barbecue industry. When the day is longer, people golf more often and eat burnt meat more often.

No, it never had anything to do with farming.

You can read more here, unless you're about to tee off: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/
2016/11/05/the-greatest-myths-about-daylight-saving-time.html

Helloooo Newman: I Left My Cash in San Francisco

Helloooo Newman: I Left My Cash in San Francisco: I wish it had been a date with Tony Bennett. Dinner for one at your average French restaurant in San Francisco cost $100 U.S. That&#...

I Left My Cash in San Francisco

I wish it had been a date with Tony Bennett.

Dinner for one at your average French restaurant in San Francisco cost $100 U.S.

That's $56,000 Canadian.

Time to pay.

I better run.

Excuse me, Miss Warwick, do you know the way to San Jose?

Helloooo Newman: Philz Killz

Helloooo Newman: Philz Killz: Thank you Philz Coffee for helping me up and down the hills of Cisco – my caffeine crutches. Everyone should have a Philz'z to prev...

Philz Killz

Thank you Philz Coffee for helping me up and down the hills of Cisco – my caffeine crutches.

Everyone should have a Philz'z to prevent the zzzzzzzzzzzz'z.

Helloooo Newman: Trip

Helloooo Newman: Trip: WHAT? You're going to San Francisco next week? You didn't tell me that. Why didn't you check with me first? You won't...

Trip

WHAT? You're going to San Francisco next week? You didn't tell me that. Why didn't you check with me first?

You won't be posting any blogs? Did I hear that right? You're leaving me in charge of the entire operation? I've never been in charge before. You do realize I'm just a dog, right?

Is that why you bought me this fancy scarf? To shut me up? You try that with mommy and it never works.

You know, I could go dingo on your face and you'll look like Mickey Rourke the rest of your life. Okay, that was just a joke. A bad one.

Fine. You go. You might as well shop for new sofa cushions cuz that's what I'll be chewing all week.

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Anyone?: My last conversation at Starbucks: do you still sell coffee?

Coffee Anyone?

My last conversation at Starbucks: do you still sell coffee?

Helloooo Newman: What Were you Saying?

Helloooo Newman: What Were you Saying?: Studies show that the average human attention span is about 8 seco

What Were you Saying?

Studies show that the average human attention span is about 8 seco

Helloooo Newman: The Perpetual Story of Hi-fi and Wifi

Helloooo Newman: The Perpetual Story of Hi-fi and Wifi: Hi-fi and Wifi married, wanted kids, wifi was too weak to carry so they adopted an AI, named Sci-fi, who grew up and watched the eart...

The Perpetual Story of Hi-fi and Wifi

Hi-fi and Wifi married, wanted kids, wifi was too weak to carry so they adopted an AI, named Sci-fi, who grew up and watched the earth die, so he moved to Alpha Centauri, where there was no hi-fi or wifi, Sci-fi got bored and started asking "who am I?", and with no good answer he needed to deify, wrote a book that sought to clarify, the result was to glorify, causing people to defy and answer the war cry

Sci-fi's kids, Hi-fi and Wifi, Junior, watched Alpha Centauri die.

So they moved…

Helloooo Newman: Thirsty Brain

Helloooo Newman: Thirsty Brain: I realized today that head lettuce is really just a glass of water in the shape of a brain.

Thirsty Brain

I realized today that head lettuce is really just a glass of water in the shape of a brain.

Helloooo Newman: I Can't Find the Switch

Helloooo Newman: I Can't Find the Switch: Where is the switch? I can't find mine. I don't think I've even seen the switch. What does it look like? Is it an on/of...

I Can't Find the Switch

Where is the switch? I can't find mine.

I don't think I've even seen the switch. What does it look like? Is it an on/off switch or a dimmer?

Have you ever found your switch?

Maybe I don't have one. Maybe you don't have one. Or are we all born with one?

I wish I could find my switch because then things would be so much clearer for me.

Is it hidden on my body somewhere? It can't be "there". I'm turning "him" on and off all the time, but it still doesn't happen.

My switch could be broken. I should consult an electrician.

I guess I'll keep looking.

But so far, I can't find the switch that so many Trump supporters seem to use to turn off their brain and support their man with ever more insane arguments.

I've gotta have one. I'll keep looking and let you know.

Helloooo Newman: What's It All About, Newman?

Helloooo Newman: What's It All About, Newman?: Dog experts tell me that Newman can smell cancer. Ball sacks, I say. If Newman can smell cancer, why can't he smell when I have ...

What's It All About, Newman?

Dog experts tell me that Newman can smell cancer.

Ball sacks, I say.

If Newman can smell cancer, why can't he smell when I have the flu? Why can't he smell that I want to sleep for 48 hours and if he continues sticking his nose in my business I will tear him a new one.

No nose can smell its own crap on a daily basis and then immediately switch to cancer.

Pet articles describe the owner/pet relationship as "an almost indescribable and deep bond…"

Let me describe it for you.

Newman craps on rug. I clean it up.

Newman pukes in shoes. I clean it up.

I make chicken sandwich. Newman steals it.

I vacuum rug. Newman sheds on it.

Newman burns holes in my neck with his eyes. I walk him.

Newman gets whatever he wants. I don't.

Does that describe things a little better for you? I hope so.

Helloooo Newman: Nuke Food

Helloooo Newman: Nuke Food: My favourite feature of the new super food – cockroach milk – is that, like the cockroach, it will survive a nuclear war, and I can con...

Nuke Food

My favourite feature of the new super food – cockroach milk – is that, like the cockroach, it will survive a nuclear war, and I can continue enjoying my Captain Crunch.

Helloooo Newman: Fusilli Bob

Helloooo Newman: Fusilli Bob: First, I'm gonna grind my head through a pasta maker (fusilli setting) and go as Bob Dylan for Halloween. Then, I'm gonna go ...

Fusilli Bob

First, I'm gonna grind my head through a pasta maker (fusilli setting) and go as Bob Dylan for Halloween. Then, I'm gonna go collect that unclaimed Nobel prize.

Helloooo Newman: I've Always Wanted to Play Football

Helloooo Newman: I've Always Wanted to Play Football: Secretly, known only to my heart of hearts, in my dreamiest of dreams, ever since I was a young boy, I've harboured the desire to be ...

I've Always Wanted to Play Football

Secretly, known only to my heart of hearts, in my dreamiest of dreams, ever since I was a young boy, I've harboured the desire to be a football player.

You're probably thinking I mean an actual football player – running through tires, practicing my "hut ones and hut twos" in front of a mirror and racking up head injuries.

Not likely. Not with MY frame, barely put together using an IKEA Allen key.

I mean the type of football game shown above – The President's Football.

That's the job I want. Carrying the President's Football.

Also called – The Nuclear Football.

The suitcase above, actually called the satchel, contains all the directions, buttons and codes that allows POTUS to set the world on fire with nuclear weapons, if he (or she) feels the need.

World destruction in a convenient carrying case. It doesn't get any better. I think it also carries a small lunch, since starting WWIII will probably work up an appetite.

The only job requirement for handling the Football is that you be good at carrying suitcases, and following the President around.

My suitcase carrying experience is extensive. I carry my wife's suitcase all the time. Weight-wise, it's just shy of an oil tanker. Many, many, many (I mean many) times I have also carried my own suitcase, when my wife kicks me out of the house. When I was single, I basically lived out of a suitcase.

So you see, I'm perfectly suitable for the suitcase.

Now if POTUS actually needs to open it and use it, well then, I quit.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm trying to enjoy life knowing that soon every cranny (and nook) of public space in Toronto will be flooded with Christmas music...

Musings and Woes

I'm trying to enjoy life knowing that soon every cranny (and nook) of public space in Toronto will be flooded with Christmas music, 24/7, for two months.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Recently I've been reading books and magazines and watching tv programs that are gluten-free and I feel much better when I finish ...

Musings and Woes

Recently I've been reading books and magazines and watching tv programs that are gluten-free and I feel much better when I finish them. I think I've lost weight.

Helloooo Newman: The Cough That Came In From the Cold

Helloooo Newman: The Cough That Came In From the Cold: I've never understood why we have an official response when someone sneezes but no such discourse for the cough.  Coughers have b...

The Cough That Came In From the Cold

I've never understood why we have an official response when someone sneezes but no such discourse for the cough.

 Coughers have been left out with a cold for too long.

"Bless you" is the standard post-sneeze retort, said by the sneezie. I'm not sure why we want to bless the sneezer, when they are already infected. Don't you think the sneezie, who is getting covered in ten trillion of the sneezers germs, should get the blessing? "Bless me, for I am covered in your germs" is more like it.

Gesundheit is an alternative post-sneeze retort. Used less often, this German word translates to "stop spraying me with your germs you Nazi snot scum."

So, coughers need a post-cough phrase.

At first, I thought "if you cough again while I'm trying to sleep I'll strangle you with your own vocal chords" would work.

That's pretty bulky, though, isn't it? Saying that every time someone coughs is a huge time-waster. And, perhaps, a little too…heavy.

I settled on saying "Jack Elam". When someone coughs, you answer with "Jack Elam".

Why "Jack Elam"? Well, Jack Elam was a famous character actor and his picture is above. I picked him because he kinda looks like something his mother might have coughed out. One of those whooping cough births I think. And, why not "Jack Elam"? Can you think of anything better? I didn't think so.

Cold season is coming. Practice your "Jack Elam".

Helloooo Newman: President Paul

Helloooo Newman: President Paul: I just want everyone to know that, while I'm not running for POTUS, if I lose the election I may not accept the result. I will...

President Paul

I just want everyone to know that, while I'm not running for POTUS, if I lose the election I may not accept the result.

I will let you know on November 8 what my decision is.

Helloooo Newman: Deep-Seated Fears

Helloooo Newman: Deep-Seated Fears: I wouldn't say I have a ton of fears. I could probably list them all here: dock spiders; all spiders; insects generally; things t...

Deep-Seated Fears

I wouldn't say I have a ton of fears.

I could probably list them all here: dock spiders; all spiders; insects generally; things that are poisonous; failure; success; job interviews; falling from a height; empty beer glass; at a party with an empty beer glass; old age; dying; method of dying; living; suffering; poverty; looking stupid in public; ordering tall blondes; sharing cabs with strangers; having nothing to say; buying porn mags in a store (that was a long time ago); being stupid; looking stupid in private; wearing un-ironed shirts; ironing my shirts…

Okay, maybe I can't list them all here.

Yet all those fears take a back seat to my most dreaded fear…when my wife says…

"We have to talk."