Stardate 1237.after the bar closed.
The transporter has been finicky of late. It split me into two: Kirk the bad actor and Kirk the even badder actor. The badder one is taking lessons from Spock on how to find the emotional centre of a character.
Stardate 1764.after sex with Uhura.
Friggin transporter. This time it scrambled me, putting the vagina of a co-worker where my mouth should be. Every time I said the words "shields up" I had an orgasm, so I kept saying it. The shields broke. Now I have to be very careful when I bed Romulans. On the upside, I saved a civilization with one of my great speeches and it became known across Starfleet as the "Vagina Monologue".
Stardate 1856.after masturbating to an old fling on Omicron Ceti III.
Again with the transporter. It turned me orange. I ran for President of Starfleet, on the banner "Make Starfleet Great Again" and reminding people that all Klingons are rapists and murderers. I lost. The galaxy breathed a collective sigh of relief.
