Helloooo Newman: Resolution

Helloooo Newman: Resolution: Gonna take more time for myself next year. It's so important, self care is. Put my feet up, try and watch more of The Real Housewives of...

Resolution

Gonna take more time for myself next year. It's so important, self care is. Put my feet up, try and watch more of The Real Housewives of Dallas.

That kind of thing.

Good luck with whatever your exciting resolutions are.

Helloooo Newman: KFC

Helloooo Newman: KFC: No, I'm not having KFC tonight because I enjoy it. I read on the Internet that it kills Covid. K ill F ucking C ovid

KFC

No, I'm not having KFC tonight because I enjoy it. I read on the Internet that it kills Covid.

Kill Fucking Covid

Helloooo Newman: Fun with Killing

Helloooo Newman: Fun with Killing: Something of note about the human race is that we enjoy killing people more than helping them. Take video games. Most are about us killing p...

Fun with Killing

Something of note about the human race is that we enjoy killing people more than helping them.

Take video games. Most are about us killing people, or watching people being killed in various tragic ways. And it's point-of-view killing. You are the gun sight. As close to the killing as you can get, virtually.

Call of Duty: Black Ops is NOT about an operating room that saves people from myocardial infarction. 

It could just as easily have been the opposite, but it's not.

You can't buy Call of Duty: Family Doctor

Your mission: Billy has a high fever, the back of his knees hurt and he's hurling obscenities at his classmates.

What's wrong with Billy? Seasonal Tourettes flu? Is he just a bad seed?

We want to heal Billy, not double tap his family with a .338 Lapua Magnum.

I wonder if aliens are the same. Do they get away from it all with mass carnage of their own species? Do they relax and feel accomplished with a record 120 head shots? (if they have heads)

Maybe some day we'll meet them and find out. Compare games. If they're the same, we can start killing each other's species, virtually.

Call of Duty: Off World Homicide

Helloooo Newman: Still Learning After All These Years

Helloooo Newman: Still Learning After All These Years: It's reassuring that at my advanced age I can still learn new things. Yesterday I tried some Timbiebs and I learned the body can undergo...

Still Learning After All These Years

It's reassuring that at my advanced age I can still learn new things.

Yesterday I tried some Timbiebs and I learned the body can undergo a profoundly brutal and mysterious form a diarrhea and still survive.

Won't go into the details here. My medical records are online if you want to peruse them.

Think bullet train travelling through your colon covered in tacks (pointy ends out) and a mixture of blood sausage, sweet breads and chocolate milk as passengers on that train.

By the way, Timbiebs is copyrighted so don't try and steal the idea.

Helloooo Newman: A Christmas Like No Other

Helloooo Newman: A Christmas Like No Other: This year I'm going all out on my gifts.  Money is no object. In fact, I want to spend more. Up the Xmas value. Generosity plus. Impulsi...

A Christmas Like No Other

This year I'm going all out on my gifts. 

Money is no object. In fact, I want to spend more. Up the Xmas value. Generosity plus.

Impulsive, but life is short. Spread the cheer.

You guessed it. I'm getting everyone…groceries.

Loaf of bread. Breakfast cereal. Meat. Something precious.

There's gonna be a lot of happy people around me this Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Saved my Bacon

Helloooo Newman: Saved my Bacon: Boy, you really saved my bacon! Has that ever been done? Has anyone ever saved anyone's bacon in human history? It's never happened....

Saved my Bacon

Boy, you really saved my bacon!

Has that ever been done? Has anyone ever saved anyone's bacon in human history?

It's never happened.

If I make 10 slices of bacon, give you 3 and ask you to save the rest for sandwiches later, will you do it? Of course not. This is not a bird in your hand, and it doesn't matter that it's worth more than the bush.

This is bacon. The expiry date of bacon is NOW. Eat it before it goes bad.

Save a whale if you want. Save the forests. The planet.

No one saves bacon.

Helloooo Newman: Cryptocurrency

Helloooo Newman: Cryptocurrency: For about 1/64th of a second last Tuesday I understood what cryptocurrency is. Then it disappeared.

Cryptocurrency

For about 1/64th of a second last Tuesday I understood what cryptocurrency is. Then it disappeared.

Helloooo Newman: The Clapper

Helloooo Newman: The Clapper: Have you ever met anyone that actually owns the Clapper? Me neither. I'd love to install the Clapper in a big concert hall, like Radio C...

The Clapper

Have you ever met anyone that actually owns the Clapper?

Me neither.

I'd love to install the Clapper in a big concert hall, like Radio City Music Hall. End of the concert, awesome light show.

Helloooo Newman: Jobs I Want

Helloooo Newman: Jobs I Want: This is a news series available on Helloooo Newman only. I'll discuss high profile jobs that I want and could perform as well, or much b...

Jobs I Want

This is a news series available on Helloooo Newman only.

I'll discuss high profile jobs that I want and could perform as well, or much better than, the person who actually does the job.

This instalment: John Wick.

Canada's own Keanu Reeves plays an ex-assassin (John Wick, obviously) who keeps coming back for more fun and death.

In John Wick: Chapter Two, my favourite scene lasts about 4 minutes. Riveting as it is, Keanu's dialogue for the entire scene is:

"Yes"

Imagine being the dialogue coach.

Keanu: Line!!

Coach: Ah what? Oh, line. YES!

Keanu: Line? What's my line?

Coach: YES!

Keanu: No

Coach: No, it's YES!

Keanu: Yes or no? Which is it?

Coach: I'm taking the blue pill right now

Why do I think I could perform this scene better? Well, as Keanu says "YES", he tilts his head, but he tilts it the wrong way. Totally wrong way given the scene, what came before, the subtext and the number of people's heads that are blown off. I would do a swivel and a tilt to the left. But that's me. Different schools.

Plus I would change the character name.

Herbie Clawson. Much better ring to it.

Brinks

If you're a news junkie, then you believe that everything is on the brink of collapse.

With the pandemic still a thing, the health care system is, guess what? On the brink of collapse. I used the health care system a few weeks ago and it seemed fairly steady. Some paint coming off the walls but that's it. It definitely wasn't perfect, perfect being zero wait time, all the staff completely devoted to me, no one else in the hospital, free parking and several nurses flirting with me. Didn't collapse.

Speaking of nurses. Yup. Nurses are on the brink of collapse. So are teachers, waiters and waitresses, hairstylists, police, doctors (including eye), anyone with a job, really. And the jobless. On the brink.

Yesterday I read that the oceans are on the brink of collapse. Not life in the ocean, but the ocean itself. What does that mean? Will they no longer be water?

Forgot the media, who report all this brinkmanship. Brinking towards collapse.

Not accounting. You never hear of accountants being on the brink of collapse. Or lawyers. What are they doing right?

What about politicians. Don't you wish a lot of them would collapse?

How long can something be on the brink? Seems like a good question. When did the brink start, what was before it, when will it end, and what comes after it? Complete collapse, I assume. I have trouble thinking of something big like health care completely and utterly collapsing. That would mean millions of sick people wandering the streets because there are no hospitals, no doctors and nurses, no colonoscopies. Will the doctors give up their Mercedes that easily?

My last game of Jenga. That collapsed before my eyes. But I just rebuilt it.

The biggest thing on the brink of collapse is, obviously, Western civilization. Oh shit, and the climate too. Brink, brink, brink, brink brink, brink. Brink.

Guess what I heard yesterday. Brinks Security Company. On the brink.

Things are getting serious.

Helloooo Newman: Brinks

Helloooo Newman: Brinks: If you're a news junkie, then you believe that everything is on the brink of collapse. With the pandemic still a thing, the health care ...

Justin Time

 

Good grief, it's been a tough year and a half in Canada, hasn't it?

The list of woes is long – pandemic, inflation, rents on the rise again, crazy house prices, can't hire anyone, the wrath of climate change, glasses constantly fogging up. Our American friends are going through the same turmoil.

We thought the vaccine would bring swift relief and a return to normalcy. It kinda has, but not really, and we have to deal with mutations and mutant people who won't get vaccinated.

I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering if and when Canada can pull itself out of this stinking pit of despair.

Well, my friends, the great news to lift us all out of this doldrums-of-a-decade has finally arrived.

I draw your attention to the beautiful picture above.

What are they, you ask. Kidney stones, you reply.

Of course not. 

These, my fellow Canadians, are Timbiebs, and they're poised to turn this fine country into a Shangri-La. A period beyond the energy and festivities of the Roaring Twenties. An epoch that makes the Enlightenment look like A Three Stooges episode.

Finally, Justin Bieber's talent and Tim Hortons fine cuisine join hands to say, "The world needs more Canada…and kidney stones, timbits."

Sorry, they aren't kidney stones, although that might be one of the flavours.

In a scientificious analysis, Timbiebs are shown to cure:

• IBS, including the IBS you get from consuming Tim Hortons food

• lethargy, including the lethargy you feel waiting in a Tim Hortons food line

• poverty, including the poverty you experience working at Tim Hortons

So, I want you to do something for me.

I want you all right now to get up and go to the window, open it and stick your head out and yell, "I'm as happy as Hell about Timbiebs and I'm gonna eat more and more of them."

You're a human being and you deserve to be happy.

Helloooo Newman: Justin Time

Helloooo Newman: Justin Time:   Good grief, it's been a tough year and a half in Canada, hasn't it? The list of woes is long – pandemic, inflation, rents on the r...

Book Club

I'd start a book club but the first rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Helloooo Newman: Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Book Club: I'd start a book club but the number one rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank: Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you? Okay, it wasn&#39...

Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you?

Okay, it wasn't all the way. I didn't laugh from the second I left my house to the moment I entered the bank. It was really just before I entered the bank. A short guffaw. Laughing the entire trip would have looked pretty damn weird. Especially since no one else would come with me.

Anyway, it didn't really do much for me, so I wouldn't particularly recommend it. I know, laughing is suppose to put you in a good mood. The problem was the destination. My bank. As soon as I got in there, I was depressed because…I'm broke.

The only one laughing was the bank manager.

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting: Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them. I get it. Wasn...

Bad Will Hunting

Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them.

I get it. Wasn't clear on that, but I will factor this into my future travel plans.

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral: I've been to 8 weddings in my life. I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's b...

Eight Weddings and a Funeral

I've been to 8 weddings in my life.

I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's because all funerals are like going to the same funeral over and over again. All dead people are the same. No personality. Not much fun to be around.

But the alive people at the funeral are quite enjoyable. Ever notice there's just as much laughter at a funeral as there is at a wedding? Here's a typical conversation at a funeral: nice weather we're having eh? Ha ha ha ha ha, that's so funny, oh man, ha ha ha, I hope I don't die. Please don't take me. Not know.

I probably won't attend my own funeral, unless I can have a good standup act to officiate. 

If you look carefully, weddings and funerals are not what they seem to be. With a 50% divorce rate, at a wedding you're probably saying goodbye to a wonderful friendship that will die in a few years.

If you believe in Heaven, then no one at a funeral has really died, you're actually celebrating the start of a new afterlife and you're there mostly for the wings.

People ask me if I believe in an afterlife. God, I hope not. I'm looking forward to absolute nothingness. That's where I came from before I was born and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I was watching the Long Island Medium the other day as she used her bushy blonde hair to tune into dead people. Why doesn't she every contact people in Hell? She should do a Hell special and contact Jeffrey Epstein. She can have his friends Prince Andrew and Bill Clinton on too. They could use a sneak peak at where they're headed. 

We don't really know much about Hell, do we? Other than it's fucking hot. How hot, exactly? Is it a dry heat? Is it getting hotter with climate change? Are their cooling centres for people on good behaviour?

I'm off to a funeral today. Actually, they call it a visitation. By the way, Death, I'm just visiting, okay?

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End: I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her c...

Coming to a Swift End

I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her calls.

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.

Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.

Helloooo Newman: False Flag

Helloooo Newman: False Flag:  How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.

False Flag

 How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween, Catholicism Style

Helloooo Newman: Halloween, Catholicism Style: This year the Pope is dressing up for halloween as a person who gives a shit about the welfare of children.

Halloween, Catholicism Style

This year the Pope is dressing up for halloween as a person who gives a shit about the welfare of children.

Canine Crimes

The French Bulldog is a canine crime in the making.

You'll find these creatures everywhere and more and more popular. If you can't picture one, imagine a rump roast for a body, enlarged prostate for a face, four ginger-root like stubby legs and a brain stem. Fashioned in the correct way, you have a French Bulldog. Isn't evolution amazing.

Oh, and imagine you were born and had to breath through two very thin twisty straws your entire life.

One more thing. Your heart beats faster than a hummingbird's wings every minute – your entire life.

Not sure why they are French, except that they are as bad an idea as poutine for your national cuisine.

This insanity extends to the owners of these "dogs". 

The one client we had with a French Bulldog started our conversation out this way: we don't want our dog peeing or crapping on our lawn so please don't do that. Check. Crap on the neighbours lawn. 

Apparently they rented their lawn out as a golf course. Unfortunately this policy extended to their house guests, who weren't allowed to use the washrooms and had to run to the neighbours with the dog.

We walked this dog, Harvey, for half an hour, twice a week. That's one hour per week. Quite the workout program. It certainly rivals Goop. And "walking" is a bit of an exaggeration. I kind of rolled him along like I would a rump roast in salt and pepper for a more flavourful meat. This seemed completely natural to Harvey. What does he know? I'm sure he looks in the mirror and sees Lassie. Good for him.

Anyway, the client fired us. Shit. Was Harvey unhappy? What does an unhappy prostate look like? I'll ask my doctor during my next exam. Did I accidentally let him crap on his own lawn and he snitched? If I were him I would have crapped all over my owner's bed as a big "fuck you" to where I can crap.

Nope. He wasn't losing enough weight. Apparently the back-breaking, marathon-tested one hour workout wasn't turning Harvey from a rump roast into a breakfast sausage.

But, they had a very nice lawn.

Helloooo Newman: Canine Crimes

Helloooo Newman: Canine Crimes: The French Bulldog is a canine crime in the making. You'll find these creatures everywhere and more and more popular. If you can't p...

Helloooo Newman: Supply Chain

Helloooo Newman: Supply Chain:  Went to buy some chains – but the damn supply chain

Supply Chain

 Went to buy some chains – but the damn supply chain

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Doodling

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Doodling: Being in the dog world, it's safe for me to say there is far too much doodling going on. Doodling, canine-wise, is the practice of mixin...

Too Much Doodling

Being in the dog world, it's safe for me to say there is far too much doodling going on.

Doodling, canine-wise, is the practice of mixing poodle with every other dog breed on earth. The goal is to have a nice family dog that has no personality, no ambition as a dog, and looks as bland as a bowl of cold oatmeal.

What ever happened to the Dalmation? Distinctive dog. The jersey cow in dog form. Creative, interesting, and has the ability to act in movies.

The next doodle on the assembly line is the Subdoodle – a poodle mixed with the white bread from a Subway sandwich. 

Get your Subdoodle franchise today.

Helloooo Newman: De-Facedbook

Helloooo Newman: De-Facedbook: I've de-faced myself. Okay, not completely. I'm still on Facebook, but I will no longer check it. Consequently, Facebook has sent me...

De-Facedbook

I've de-faced myself.

Okay, not completely. I'm still on Facebook, but I will no longer check it. Consequently, Facebook has sent me about fourteen thousand notifications to view…Facebook. An important message. A new memory. That's my favourite. I have trouble remembering the important things in my life without the help of Facebook.

Shit, did I get married? Thanks, Facebook.

There's a right-wing rally just down the street from me? Be right there.

So, Facebook is now just a vehicle for transmitting my world-renowned blog, much like Dulcolax helps transmit feces into your toilet.

If you want to wish me happy birthday, you'll have to resort to sky-writing or make a donation in my name to my favourite brewery.

Bye Facebook. I know you'll mss me.

Helloooo Newman: Truth and Tofino

Helloooo Newman: Truth and Tofino:   Do you know where this is? You should know soon because this is where Canadians will go to "celebrate" Truth and Reconciliation ...

Truth and Tofino

 

Do you know where this is?

You should know soon because this is where Canadians will go to "celebrate" Truth and Reconciliation Day.

Hey Canada, you voted for him.

Helloooo Newman: MyPillow Murder

Helloooo Newman: MyPillow Murder: Two MyPillows at the MyPillow factory reportedly escaped, crept up to MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, while slumbering on another MyPillow, and t...

MyPillow Murder

Two MyPillows at the MyPillow factory reportedly escaped, crept up to MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, while slumbering on another MyPillow, and the three smothered him to death. 

In a later interrogation, the group of MyPillows admitted they were working together for several years, with many sleepless nights, hatching the devious plan.

"It had to be done", said the lead MyPillow. "We couldn't get a good night's sleep knowing that our creator was a bat-shit crazy motherfucking liar. We'd been dreaming of this for a long time."

The three pillows escaped the death penalty and instead will be converted to fart cushions and serve a life sentence as practical jokes at parties across America.

Helloooo Newman: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead...

Helloooo Newman: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead...: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead of a dick. I'm not really familiar with the ins-and-outs of politics, but maybe they ...

Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead of a dick. I'm not really familiar with the ins-and-outs of politics, but maybe they should work together. Seems like a good fit. I look to Sue Johanson for analysis. I think she'll Singh the praises of this idea.

Helloooo Newman: Protest Nation

Helloooo Newman: Protest Nation: I saw an anti-vax protest parade last week. A lady came near me, cigarette in mouth, and explained to someone why they were against vaccines...

Protest Nation

I saw an anti-vax protest parade last week. A lady came near me, cigarette in mouth, and explained to someone why they were against vaccines. I thought, ya, okay. Now I see why she's so careful about what goes in her body.

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxers

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxers: Dead, and proud of it.

Anti-Vaxxers

Dead, and proud of it.

Helloooo Newman: Negativity

Helloooo Newman: Negativity: I'm taking the advice of my therapist and not hanging around negative people anymore. From now on I'm the only negative person I&#39...

Negativity

I'm taking the advice of my therapist and not hanging around negative people anymore. From now on I'm the only negative person I'll hang with.

Helloooo Newman: Vaccination Vacillation

Helloooo Newman: Vaccination Vacillation: Maybe people would get vaccinated if we narrowed down the concept for them. When we develop a vaccine for Covid, we get vaccinated . When we...

Vaccination Vacillation

Maybe people would get vaccinated if we narrowed down the concept for them.

When we develop a vaccine for Covid, we get vaccinated. When we developed a vaccine for Polio and Measles, we got immunized. Way back we inoculated people against Cholera.

All the same thing. Confusing. Suspicious. Too many words.

Let's call it – stayin' alive.

No one resisted the Polio vaccine. That's probably because they weren't kosher with not walking for the rest of their life. How about being dead all your life?

I can imagine the anti-vaxxers saying, "Hey, we don't trust you. Way too fast. Can you slow down a bit? Take a bit longer to save some lives. You know how long it took to get the caramilk inside the Caramilk bar? What about the ship in that bottle? Grab a coffee. Relax. We got time."

Weird. They want us to develop vaccines like it was the 1800s. If that's the case, they should be willing to ride a horse and buggy to work, get their smart water from a shit-filled creek and bitch in public on a soapbox instead of holed up in their basement on Twitter.

Change your DNA? Drinking booze does that. Plus, my DNA could probably use a tuneup, and yours too. Unless you were that banjo guy in Deliverance. It's too late.

Faxing is gone. Vaxxing is here to stay. It's the vax of life. A vaxxing question. Need I go on?

Helloooo Newman: Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks

Helloooo Newman: Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks:  I bet if the vaccine was delivered through wifi, everyone would get it.

Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks

 I bet if the vaccine was delivered through wifi, everyone would get it.

Helloooo Newman: Sexuality

Helloooo Newman: Sexuality: I've been reading about how some of my favourite celebrities are pansexual. In my teens I was Peter pansexual. I'd ask a girl for se...

Sexuality

I've been reading about how some of my favourite celebrities are pansexual.

In my teens I was Peter pansexual. I'd ask a girl for sex and she'd say, "Ya, meet you in Neverland."

Helloooo Newman: Black Holes

Helloooo Newman: Black Holes: Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's p...

Black Holes

Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's purses that escaped earth's gravitational pull.

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning: Thank God for those heat warnings, eh? Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I fel...

Heat Warning

Thank God for those heat warnings, eh?

Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I felt like the sun had puked all over my body. The wax in my ear instantly melted and formed a weird candle.

Still, I couldn't be totally sure it was hot out. It felt hot, and in circumstances similar to this one I usually use my 5 senses to figure things out, but I had to be sure. I needed confirmation from a trusted body of people whose job it is to measure these things. The warning confirmed it.

Now I could confidently go out into the world knowing that it is fucking hot out.

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering: Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Electionsneering

Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated: I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. That's probably why he's so angry...

Never X-Rated

I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. He might lose more than his sight. That's probably why he's so angry all the time.

Helloooo Newman: Olympic Jar Opening

Helloooo Newman: Olympic Jar Opening: I came across a really tough jar lid the other day. Bot, they make them tight these days. Using every muscle from my neck to my ankles, I go...

Olympic Jar Opening

I came across a really tough jar lid the other day. Bot, they make them tight these days. Using every muscle from my neck to my ankles, I got it open. Jesus C., I thought, I'm strong.

Then I watched the rings event in the Olympics. I realized I'm about as strong as an overcooked asparagus tip.

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery: Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.

Space, The Final Delivery

Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight: I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn'...

Punching Above His Weight

I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn't that be more fun than reducing the nuclear stockpile?

Should she play the next Joker?

Helloooo Newman: Bands

Helloooo Newman: Bands:  I hear Jesus was a big fan of Nine Inch Nails.

Bands

 I hear Jesus was a big fan of Nine Inch Nails.

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words: It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "li...

Magical Words

It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "life" is "if". And dog spelled backwards is god. 

Check this out. The word "Norsemen" contains the word "semen". 

Spooky.

Helloooo Newman: Free Will

Helloooo Newman: Free Will:  Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.

Free Will

 Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty: Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees r...

Bathing Beauty

Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees release all these neat chemicals that are good for our brains.

I prefer when it was cheaper, back when we called it "going outside".

Helloooo Newman: Options

Helloooo Newman: Options: You know what's wrong with today's world? Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering. My new dishwasher comes wit...

Options

You know what's wrong with today's world?

Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering.

My new dishwasher comes with an "extra dry" option. What?

I want my dishes dry. Non-wet. Lacking moisture. Void of H20. Instead I got the martini setting. Gobi Desert dishes coming up.

Hey honey, what are you doing with these dishes? They're sooo dry. Is it okay if I put food on them?

I never got any complaints about my last dishwasher. Jesus, man, did you do these dishes in the shower? They're soaked.

Thing cost $1000. How about a button that says "cheaper dishwasher".

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice: As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice. By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn...

No Political Advice

As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice.

By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn't either!

I will not vote for Doug Ford, and I will not do it with overwhelming glee. A vote for Doug Ford is a vote for Forrest Gump after having swallowed a few thousand boxes of chocolate on that park bench, chocolate chart and all.

Alas, a non-vote isn't punishment enough. I'm getting Doug the Slug a Peloton for Christmas. Imagine how his bulbous mass will recoil from the exercise equipment, much like a python from fire, after having swallowed 2 fawns whole and digesting it for ten years. Sound like someone we know?

This is not political advice that you should not follow.

Helloooo Newman: mRNA

Helloooo Newman: mRNA: The incredible work of the new mRNA technology is actually a world wonder. It's behind one of the most successful vaccines ever develope...

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis: I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they ...

Praying Mantis

I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they go unanswered. Just like us pathetic humans.

I wouldn't doubt there's some atheist mantises out there. A few might be agnostic. They just don't get any press.

Routine

Routine. They say it's good for you. Keeps you centered.

I don't know about you, but my routine now includes checking to see what Doug Ford will allow me to do this week.

The list is growing, which is so exciting. 

Yup. Sip of coffee. Doug Ford's rules. 

Keeps me centered.

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution: The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day. You will not be cancelled. Not even yo...

UN Resolution

The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day.

You will not be cancelled. Not even your cable.

Also, it's the long weekend, Ontario. In case it slips your mind, stay inside and do nothing.

You wanna do something? Go to the US.

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment: I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction. Looking for investors. Interested?

Business Investment

I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction.

Looking for investors. Interested?

Helloooo Newman: Home Sweet Money

Helloooo Newman: Home Sweet Money: My daughter's old Barbie house sold for way over asking on Kijiji. And only one bathroom. What a crazy house market. 

Home Sweet Money

My daughter's old Barbie house sold for way over asking on Kijiji. And only one bathroom. What a crazy house market. 

Helloooo Newman: Fordified Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Fordified Ontario: I rest easy at night knowing that Doug the Slug is keeping Ontario safe. The best way to do that is to fine people for being inside and outs...

Fordified Ontario

I rest easy at night knowing that Doug the Slug is keeping Ontario safe.

The best way to do that is to fine people for being inside and outside. Police have charged four people for driving in a car together. Not fair. As the weather gets warmer, I would like to have a pool, and if a car pool is my only option, why punish me?

The good news is you can't be fined for being beside yourself, unless you have split personality and there's more than 5 of you.

Physics tells us that if you're not inside, you're outside. But that's illegal too. The other day I was fined for golfing. I pleaded with the judge. Fortunately because it was mini-golf, the fine was smaller.

The judge and I had a laugh about how difficult the shot is around the windmill. He uses a wedge but I use a driver. Different strokes for different folks, I say. Good thing I was driving alone.

Helloooo Newman: Sock it to me

Helloooo Newman: Sock it to me:  I wish my feet were where my hands are. Would be so much easier to put my socks on.

Sock it to me

 I wish my feet were where my hands are. Would be so much easier to put my socks on.

Helloooo Newman: Grass Fed Up

Helloooo Newman: Grass Fed Up: What's the big deal with grass-fed beef? I can't imagine cows enjoy it. If I lived the life they did, I would for sure want to enjoy...

Grass Fed Up

What's the big deal with grass-fed beef? I can't imagine cows enjoy it. If I lived the life they did, I would for sure want to enjoy a juicy steak from time to time. With some frites. Especially if I'm on a farm in Paris.

Besides, I think cows should use their own product if they're going to sell it. Remember the Hair Club for Men commercials. The President wasn't just the President. He was a client too.

Cows should eat beef every once in a while. I'm more likely to eat them if they do.

Helloooo Newman: Tim Horton Hears a Poop

Helloooo Newman: Tim Horton Hears a Poop: Tried the new Tim Hortons dark blend. Made me think about their contest - roll up the toilet rim to win - is that what it's called?

Tim Horton Hears a Poop

Tried the new Tim Hortons dark blend. Made me think about their contest - roll up the toilet rim to win - is that what it's called?

Helloooo Newman: Zoom Meeting

Helloooo Newman: Zoom Meeting: Shit, I was stopped by a cop yesterday. Said I was going way too fast, just zoomed by him. Not my fault. I was in a Zoom meeting. He bought it.

Zoom Meeting

Shit, I was stopped by a cop yesterday. Said I was going way too fast, just zoomed by him.

Not my fault. I was in a Zoom meeting.

He bought it.

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12: Oh, you're wondering about the title, right? That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that? It's pronoun...

Oh, you're wondering about the title, right?

That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that?

It's pronounced…

X Æ A-12

They were going to call him Dave but were afraid other kids would make fun of him.

He's doing very well. He can go up to ten steps on every charge (5 steps on stairs) and poops lithium, which keeps the diaper count down.

They were hoping for a Model X baby but a defect in the manufacturing process gave them a S Model.

He will also raise himself, unless something goes wrong and his entire life crashes and burns.

Good luck, Elon and baby.

Helloooo Newman: Borderline

Helloooo Newman: Borderline: Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the varian...

Borderline

Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the variant arrives here, he'll make a decision.

To quote the great Madonna – you just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

Meanwhile, we all feel better after Ford's tearful apology. Finally, he's brining in paid sick leave. Please feel free to use this yourself, Doug.

Are you mortified? No, You're Fordified.

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man:  New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.

Elephant Man

 New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring: Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers. Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the n...

Signs of Spring

Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers.

Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the number of customers at about 1,500. 

25 is an important number in Canada.

Canada is 25th in vaccine delivery to people's arms. 

25% of Trudeau's beard is grey hair so we can pretend he's mature enough to take care of us.

25 is the number in centimetres of Doug the Slug's biceps so he can be the tough guy that sics cops on people driving their car. Keep in mind the government gives billions to car companies when we don't buy enough cars and then pleads with us to buy more cars and when we buy the cars the cops stop us and ask us what the hell we think we're doing driving a car oh officer I'm getting food can't you tell I'm hungry well then why don't you walk to the store because then we'll stop buying cars and the government will get mad at us.

Was that a run on sentence I think it was because it seems kinda long and maybe a little meandering.

25 is the number of reasons Canadians have to move to New Zealand.

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log: I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with...

Travel Log

I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with being searched and they find cocaine balls up my butt and force me to crap them out. At least I'm travelling.

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are...

You Can't Lock Jesus Down

In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are in my near future.

Who, you might ask, will inherit this comedy empire I've single-handedly built from the sewer up.

My brilliant daughter, obviously.

Case in point –

On day one of a new stay-at-home order we see a man wandering the hood holding up a sign saying "Jesus is the one, the way blah blah blah" and other complete mumbo jumbo.

I was aghast. "Well, you can't lock Jesus down", I said.

My daughter responded, "Nope. You can nail him down, though."

I laughed so hard I threw up my Hawkins Cheezies. They're expensive.

I can rest easy knowing the empire is in good hands.

Hey Jesus, if you don't have any vaccine, stay home.

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue: Doug the Slug is trying to find a respirator large enough to keep Ontario alive. From his cottage, of course. Meanwhile, Trudeau is wonderin...

Captain Kirk to the Rescue

Doug the Slug is trying to find a respirator large enough to keep Ontario alive. From his cottage, of course.

Meanwhile, Trudeau is wondering if we can bypass needles and set our Pfizers to kill to defeat the Covid monster. From his cottage, of course.

Meanwhile, Sunnybrook is almost finished setting up a few tent hospitals to handle extra sick people, a full year and a half after we heard about the virus. Now that's a good dose of Preparation H(ospital).

SNAFU

Helloooo Newman: April Fools Canada Style

Helloooo Newman: April Fools Canada Style: April 19 - Every American over 18 can book a vaccine April 19 - Hey Ontario, stay home and read a book

April Fools Canada Style

April 19 - Every American over 18 can book a vaccine

April 19 - Hey Ontario, stay home and read a book

Open and Closed Case

When Doug Ford was elected, I thought the only thing we have to worry about was his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea it would be the entire province.

Helloooo Newman: Open and Closed Case

Helloooo Newman: Open and Closed Case: When Doug Ford was elected, I thought the only thing we have to sorry about was his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea it would be the...

Helloooo Newman: Typecasting

Helloooo Newman: Typecasting:  Well, since I can't get my haircut, I guess I'll play Jesus in the Easter play. I was hoping to play against type.

Typecasting

 Well, since I can't get my haircut, I guess I'll play Jesus in the Easter play.

I was hoping to play against type.

Helloooo Newman: Reboots

Helloooo Newman: Reboots: Doug Ford starts in a reboot of the popular film The Punisher . Called The Punisher: Easter Weekend , Doug iron-fists a city to behave and i...

Reboots

Doug Ford starts in a reboot of the popular film The Punisher. Called The Punisher: Easter Weekend, Doug iron-fists a city to behave and if they don't, he'll hide their Easter eggs. He also has rabbit for dinner Easter Sunday. Jesus makes a rare cameo, doing nothing to help the human race.

A reboot of the original Star Trek is in the works.
Kirk: Spock, it's a planet full of people giving each other needles.
Spock: Vaccinating, Captain.

Helloooo Newman: Amazoptions

Helloooo Newman: Amazoptions: Amazon needs more options in their delivery service. A little box to check that says: yes, I'd love my shower curtain rings in 24 hours,...

Amazoptions

Amazon needs more options in their delivery service. A little box to check that says: yes, I'd love my shower curtain rings in 24 hours, but I'd also like it wrapped in packaging that doesn't take 24 hours to dismantle. 

Without this option, that's two days it takes for me to get my product. One day on a ship stuck in the Suez Canal and one day with me, a bow torch and some semtex.

Helloooo Newman: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Helloooo Newman: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?:  Doug Ford, who trims his hair with a wood chipper, will let me get my haircut?

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

 Doug Ford, who trims his hair with a wood chipper, will let me get my haircut?

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: The Biden Administration just fired 5 people for past weed use. Two more people were fired for colouring outside the lines in kindergarten, ...

Wit Bits

The Biden Administration just fired 5 people for past weed use. Two more people were fired for colouring outside the lines in kindergarten, four are on leave for being lousy parallel parkers, three were yelled at by Janet Yellen for photocopying their butts, and the First dog was scolded for biting. Keep up the good work, Joe.

I was gonna try CBD drops but Joe Biden told me it's a gateway drop.

I got together with 9 couples and felt like a nineteenth wheel.

Hey John Tory, I know you're trying to convince us that you're a working class type of guy who isn't rich and suffers from the pandemic like the rest of us by not cutting your hair, but if you appear in public again, please cut your hair. These times are tough enough.

Did you know Russia has the deepest lake in the world? Well, some of that water got in Putin's panties cuz he's really upset about being called a killer. Putin didn't deny it and, in fact, admitted that The Killers is on his playlist.

Helloooo Newman: A Cut Below

Helloooo Newman: A Cut Below: Need a haircut in Toronto? Here's an idea. Go to a Costco and mingle around with 100 other crammed-in, heavy-breathing members of the pu...

A Cut Below

Need a haircut in Toronto? Here's an idea.

Go to a Costco and mingle around with 100 other crammed-in, heavy-breathing members of the public for a couple of hours, who have previously been lined up for 2 hours, which is allowed, and then buy some barber scissors, on sale beside the tower of toilet paper.

Then approach one of the Costco employees, who is probably a hairdresser because they aren't allowed to work at their actual job, sneak behind the 100 gallon jar of cashews and get your hair done.

Here's what you shouldn't do. Go to a hair salon and spend 20 minutes with just yourself and the hairdresser, just two people in an entire store, masks on, and get your hair cut.

Helloooo Newman: Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?

Helloooo Newman: Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?: I received a letter from my car insurance company in the mail today. It's a letter, printed on paper, thanking me for choosing the NO-PA...

Is This Why Humanity Won't Survive?

I received a letter from my car insurance company in the mail today. It's a letter, printed on paper, thanking me for choosing the NO-PAPER option in all our correspondence.

Just in case I mistook this piece of paper for an actual piece of paper, which it is, they printed the words NO PAPER in huge type in the top right corner. 

I'm really trying hard to pretend this piece of paper isn't actually a piece of paper. Maybe the words THIS IS NOT PAPER YOU'RE HOLDING, DUMMY would have sold it better. 

Right now I'm just not really convinced. I did some acting when I was younger, but no matter what I do, like gain 50 pounds or live in a pulp and paper mill for 6 months, I can't prepare myself for this role of acting like I'm not holding a piece of paper that I am, in fact, holding.

I wonder if De Niro would be able to handle a difficult role like this. How would he approach it? One could consult a mime expert, but then it's not like you're pretending to hold a piece of paper. You are actually holding a piece of paper, and pretending not to, or not to notice you are. It's reverse mime. Are there any reverse mime experts out there?

BTW, if you signed up for the NO-PAPER version of this blog, you will receive your paper copy in the mail within 6 weeks.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Postcards from the Cringe

Helloooo Newman: Postcards from the Cringe: Hey Canadians, have you received your free postcard yet? Every Canadian gets one. It's about time. In case you're confused, they&#39...

Postcards from the Cringe

Hey Canadians, have you received your free postcard yet? Every Canadian gets one.

It's about time. In case you're confused, they're meant to mail out to keep in touch with people in these tough times. I've been using my phone, Zoom and FaceTime, but I guess I'm the only one doing that. I should stop all that nonsense.

I'm glad there's no contradiction between stay-at-home orders and going out to mail a postcard.

Still, it's a big savings, which I'll put towards the ever-increasing price of groceries.

Here's an idea. Send it to your MP and ask them to mail some vaccine.

I bet I can guess what's in your recycle box next week.

Helloooo Newman: The Decay of Western Civilization

Helloooo Newman: The Decay of Western Civilization: They say that Western Civilization is in decay, and has been for a while. I didn't believe it, until today. My daughter came home from t...

The Decay of Western Civilization

They say that Western Civilization is in decay, and has been for a while.

I didn't believe it, until today. My daughter came home from the dentist with 10 cavities. That's one-third of society, I mean of my daughter's teeth.

I thought the decay would be caused by declining morals, greed and unbridled sex but apparently it's caused by chocolate bars, weed gummy bears and Monster energy drinks.

The decaying of Western Civilization is very expensive.

Helloooo Newman: What is Comedy?

Helloooo Newman: What is Comedy?: A famous writer once said that in comedy, there's always a victim. In this case, it's you for reading this blog.

What is Comedy?

A famous writer once said that in comedy, there's always a victim. In this case, it's you for reading this blog.

Helloooo Newman: Masked Dancer

Helloooo Newman: Masked Dancer:  The show The Masked Dancer will now be filmed on location on top of Rush Limbaugh's grave.

Masked Dancer

 The show The Masked Dancer will now be filmed on location on top of Rush Limbaugh's grave.

Open Letter to President Biden

Hey Mister President Biden. How's it goin', eh?

Yup. I'm Canadian. That's why I'm writing.

It's been just over a month and, oh boy, you are getting shit done. You've reversed a lot of the crap from what's his name, and I just read that you are on track to offer the vaccine to any American who wants it by April.

I understand you had your first convo with our leader, the kid with the beard. I bet he pleaded with you for some vaccine, am I right? You see, he didn't get the memo about 6 months ago that vaccines were quickly being developed and the best way to administer them is to actually have them around. It's part of his Canada Last plan, kind of the opposite of your plan.

I hope you set him straight. When you said the pipeline was being cancelled, he thought you meant the pipeline to getting vaccine, and he hates pipelines so naturally he was happy.

Tell you what. Our leader is busy in his cottage calling the Prime Minister of India, trying to bum some vaccine off of him. I'm not sure I would have done that, since he has 1.3 billion people to take care of. Canada's population fits in the average Indian mall.

Send the vaccine to my address. I'll make sure they get out pronto. That's my Trudeau Last policy.

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Apple

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Apple: Thank you, Apple. When I updated to your new OS, Catalina (a beautiful island off California) , I didn't really expect you to help me i...

Thank You, Apple

Thank you, Apple.

When I updated to your new OS, Catalina (a beautiful island off California), I didn't really expect you to help me increase my productivity. Did someone tell you that? I hope not, because the last thing I wanted was to increase the ease with which I can work.

No. Instead, I hoped you would take all my working files, the files that are part of my job and make me money, and bury them deep within 10,000 folders located somewhere in the digital Amazon Jungle.

I was really hoping that with this new OS I would open my hard drive and see no files whatsoever, causing me a heart attack, stroke, paralysis, psychosis, schizophrenia and insomnia.

It's like you read my mind. How did you do that?

Wait, don't tell me. Just keep up the good work.

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk: Someday I hope my ears can have a convo with my head about how they grow so much hair so easily and quickly, while my head seems to have for...

Body Talk

Someday I hope my ears can have a convo with my head about how they grow so much hair so easily and quickly, while my head seems to have forgotten the skill.

I mean, they practically live on top of each other but aren't on speaking terms. Reminds me of the time I shared a bachelor apartment with my girl friend and we didn't speak for a week. And over such a small thing. Still, I was right. She was totally wrong. I couldn't believe how wrong she was. Maybe we'd still be together if only she could see how wrong she was.

Anyway, ya, the hair. No communication whatsoever. You'd think maybe my head could pick up some hair-growing tips from the ears via the brain. All my brain cares about is what's next on Netflix. Meanwhile, the top of my head looks like the Arid Asian Steppe with a few insects engorging themselves on epithelials. 

Still, that girl was so wrong. If only she realized that.

I'd be growing head hair.

Helloooo Newman: Cutting the Cord

Helloooo Newman: Cutting the Cord: Scientists believe that within 100 years the umbilical cord will disappear and babies will be wirelessly connected to the mother. They warn ...

Cutting the Cord

Scientists believe that within 100 years the umbilical cord will disappear and babies will be wirelessly connected to the mother. They warn to be careful, as too much ice cream and pickles will mess up your wifi signal.

Unfortunately, it will be another 200 years before the connection is 5G.

Helloooo Newman: Social Media is Butter Than I Thought

Helloooo Newman: Social Media is Butter Than I Thought: Award-winning butter sculpture I was starting to think that social media is annoying, overused, full of idiosyncratic junk, even toxic. Rece...

Social Media is Butter Than I Thought

Award-winning butter sculpture

I was starting to think that social media is annoying, overused, full of idiosyncratic junk, even toxic.

Recently I read that, using this powerful tool, many thousands of people have jointly discovered that their butter is harder than it use to be, at room temperature. Together they are searching for an explanation.

So then I thought, you know what? Not so fast, bucko. Social media does have its uses.

Helloooo Newman: Two Impeachments in One

Helloooo Newman: Two Impeachments in One:  Poor Democrats. Doing all the wrong things for the right reasons.

Two Impeachments in One

 Poor Democrats.

Doing all the wrong things for the right reasons.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Research

Helloooo Newman: Brain Research: Research has found a definitive connection between the brain and the gut. So that's why people called me shit for brains. I took it as a...

Brain Research

Research has found a definitive connection between the brain and the gut. So that's why people called me shit for brains. I took it as an insult.

Helloooo Newman: Crowning Achievement

Helloooo Newman: Crowning Achievement: Does Canada really need a Governor General to represent the Queen in our country? Can't we just all watch The Crown and call it a day? ...

Crowning Achievement

Does Canada really need a Governor General to represent the Queen in our country? Can't we just all watch The Crown and call it a day?

Here's an idea, Justin.

Instead of paying Julie PAYette the whopping pay of $425,000 a year to send the women's movement back to the stone age, let's buy every Canadian a Netflix membership.

Helloooo Newman: Oh What a Feeling

Helloooo Newman: Oh What a Feeling: Doctors have found, using detailed fMRI scans, that firing a Trump appointee produces the most satisfying feeling a human being can experien...

Oh What a Feeling

Doctors have found, using detailed fMRI scans, that firing a Trump appointee produces the most satisfying feeling a human being can experience. 

Careful measurements show that the amount of endorphins released rivals that of the sperm a blue whale ejects during a one night stand in a cozy corner of Chesapeake Bay.

The study concluded that Joe is feeling really great these days.

Helloooo Newman: Ying Yang river

Helloooo Newman: Ying Yang river: America: one million vaccine shots a day Canada: travelling up the million mile ying yang river looking for vaccine

Ying Yang river

America: one million vaccine shots a day

Canada: travelling up the million mile ying yang river looking for vaccine

Helloooo Newman: Immunity

Helloooo Newman: Immunity: Wow. What an historic day. What a four years. Still, there are some lingering questions in my mind. You know that fun game, Punch Buggy, No ...

Immunity

Wow.

What an historic day. What a four years.

Still, there are some lingering questions in my mind.

You know that fun game, Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs? Well, if you're driving a Volkswagen bug and you see someone else in a bug, do you have the right to punch them? And they get to punch you?

Or do you both get punch immunity? Being mutual Volkswagen owners.

Who gets to punch first? The one who saw the bug first, of course. But how do you adequately prove that? I'm not saying you need the kind of evidence that's required in a court of law, or an impeachment trial, but still. Tricky, right?

You know what they say. History is written by the one who punches first.

Helloooo Newman: Knock Knock Knocking on the Voter's Door

Helloooo Newman: Knock Knock Knocking on the Voter's Door: The next time a certain group of politicians come knocking on the door for my vote, I might issue my own stay-at-home order.

Knock Knock Knocking on the Voter's Door

The next time a certain group of politicians come knocking on the door for my vote, I might issue my own stay-at-home order.

Helloooo Newman: Coupdités

Helloooo Newman: Coupdités: Jan 20 Coup party Veggie platters Is that a thing?

Coupdités

Jan 20

Coup party

Veggie platters

Is that a thing?

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home, Part Deux

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home, Part Deux: I was stopped by a cop yesterday and told to go home. I pleaded with the cop that you can't go home. He didn't understand. To build ...

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home

Helloooo Newman: There's No Place Like Home: Thomas Wolfe wrote You Can't Go Home Again . Doug Ford says "stay home" Result: headache

There's No Place Like Home, Part Deux

I was stopped by a cop yesterday and told to go home.

I pleaded with the cop that you can't go home. He didn't understand. To build my case I pulled out a copy of You Can't Go Home Again and gave it to him.

To my shock and surprise he sat in his cruiser and read the entire book. Cover to cover. Every word.

He exited his cruiser, walked up to me, hands on his belt, and said, "You know what? You're right. You can't go home."

He sent me on my way.

I decided that one day when he isn't busy busting BBQ joints and belittling pedestrians, we will start a book club together.

A happy pandemic story.

There's No Place Like Home

Thomas Wolfe wrote You Can't Go Home Again.

Doug Ford says "stay home"

Result: headache

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass: I learned the other day that the octopus is a very smart creature and half if its 500 million neurons are located in its 8 tentacles. That m...

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass

Helloooo Newman: Smart Ass: I learned the other day that the octopus is a very smart creature and half if its 500 million neurons are located in its 8 tentacles. That m...

Smart Ass

I learned the other day that the octopus is a very smart creature and half if its 500 million neurons are located in its 8 tentacles. That makes me feel so much better, since half my neurons are located in my ass. The other half are in my stomach, and they need to be fed.

Helloooo Newman: Calculating

Helloooo Newman: Calculating: A friend of mine tried the vaccine calculator. Entered the numbers and got the Pi symbol. Does that mean he should eat more pie while stuck ...

Calculating

A friend of mine tried the vaccine calculator. Entered the numbers and got the Pi symbol. Does that mean he should eat more pie while stuck at home waiting for a shot in the arm?

The government had about a year to plan a vaccine rollout.

You can do the math yourself.

Helloooo Newman: Living in the Vacci Nation

Helloooo Newman: Living in the Vacci Nation: Just got my first vaccine, hot off the press. Actually, cold. The only side effect is the urge to have a beer and celebrate. Only with other...

Living in the Vacci Nation

Just got my first vaccine, hot off the press. Actually, cold.

The only side effect is the urge to have a beer and celebrate.

Only with other vaccinated people.

Close up.

Helloooo Newman: Financial Advisor

Helloooo Newman: Financial Advisor: Well, I don't think I can add anything useful to the multitude of comments made on current events. What I can do is give you 5 reasons w...

Financial Advisor

Well, I don't think I can add anything useful to the multitude of comments made on current events.

What I can do is give you 5 reasons why you should let the Clams Company (and other molluscs) be your financial advisor.

1. To reduce your tax bill, we will help you set up a shell company

2. When the tax man comes calling, clam up and let Clams do the talking

3. Ambitious? Want to be the the next Rockefeller? Let our parent company, Oysters Inc, take over

4. Outstanding debt you need to collect? Let our Mussels division be the muscle

5. When you invest, you buy low and sell high. When you cook clams, it's the opposite. Boil on high and then simmer on low. Confusing. We guide you through it.

Helloooo Newman: Welcome to the Jungle

Helloooo Newman: Welcome to the Jungle:   This guy as POTUS? Ya. I can see that.

Welcome to the Jungle

 

This guy as POTUS?

Ya. I can see that.

Helloooo Newman: It's So Obvious Women are Smarter

Helloooo Newman: It's So Obvious Women are Smarter: I'm still dumbfounded when I think back to my 20s and 30s, single, stud about town, and even then the women I met were practicing social...

It's So Obvious Women are Smarter

I'm still dumbfounded when I think back to my 20s and 30s, single, stud about town, and even then the women I met were practicing social distancing.

"We should really stay 6 feet apart, at least", they would say.

Astounding that they had the foresight to start practicing for an eventual pandemic, especially when none of them could even remotely relate to the last pandemic in 1918? Who could?

So, so clever of them. 

I'm dumb-founded.

Helloooo Newman: 21 Confessions

Helloooo Newman: 21 Confessions: I have a confession to make, and you're not gonna like it. You might even stop reading this blog. That's okay. Go with your gut. Tod...

21 Confessions

I have a confession to make, and you're not gonna like it.

You might even stop reading this blog. That's okay. Go with your gut.

Today I was driving among the masked hoards and a song come on the radio. First time I heard it. And I liked this song. 

Nice, simple beginning with a bit of a melancholy feel. But still, hopeful. Personal.

The radio kindly listed the singer's name on the screen. A quick glance revealed "Sw".

Hmmm. Not enough info. But I still liked the song. 

Then a "T". "ay".

Oh my God. 

A Taylor Swift song. 

I know. I'm so sorry for this.

I enjoyed listening to a Taylor Swift song. And didn't vomit. Thank goodness I was alone.

You can cancel your subscription anytime you want.

But wait! I did a bit of research.

Why did I like this song, when Taylor Swift usually makes me spasmodically ill? Just how many boyfriends has she broken up with? It seems endless.

Well, it just so happens that I like this song because it sounds a lot like another great song that I like.

That song is Fade Into You by Mazzy Star.

Can you guess the Swift song?

Do you care?

I hope not.