Emoji Consultant

I got some disappointing news from a friend last week.

He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, divorced, and his ex is 26.

On top of that, his new puppy died of a rare infection of the hock.

Tough day all around.

I really struggled with how to respond to this. What do I say and, more importantly, what emoji do I use to express my concern?

It seemed like any emoji I picked was simply mocking him. The sad face emoji was belittling. Do I go with the one-tear emoji or two-tear? Maybe the pained expression? If I express too much sorrow, I might be encouraging him to go find another girlfriend that only has her G1, but I also want him to know how sad the puppy thing is and he should give it another shot.

This is when I realized I need an emoji consultant. We all do.

Emoji consultants are a rare breed, and the demand for them is increasing exponentially.

"There's a real shortage of qualified emoji consultant's", reflects Dan, one of the first truly gifted and educated emoji consultants.

He continued.

"Matching the right emoji to the right life situation is a very personal decision. It's like picking the right piece of music for grandma's funeral or a proctologist (gynecologist too) that makes you feel comfortable."

"Society can't make the proper emojis fast enough. People are left on their own to come up with the proper words for some very tough situations. It's a real burden on them."

"You know, we always focus on emotional health, physical health, but no one pays attention to a person's emojinal health. It's a real emojincy."

Dan is working on a few of his own customized emojis for his clients. The Hung Out to Dry emoji is for people who are fired after years of service to their almighty corporation. Dan will emojify your boss's face and add either a rope around the neck or a knife to the chest. You can add a blood spatter if you really got burned, like not getting a severance. Apparently employees of Sears love this option.

I'm considering hiring Dan for my friend's situation, although it's a bit pricey. I was thinking of some kind of soother image, which symbolizes his girlfriend and denotes a happy, baby-like state.

Dan looks forward to the day when emoji consultants are covered under medical benefits.


PS: I couldn't find the perfect emoji to go with this blog. See what I mean?