Helloooo Newman: It's All Part of the J-O-B

Helloooo Newman: It's All Part of the J-O-B: Lately I've been thinking I have it all wrong about Donald Trump. I think he will be one of our great leaders. He is a wise voice ...

It's All Part of the J-O-B

Lately I've been thinking that I have it all wrong about Donald Trump.

I think he will be one of our great leaders. He is a wise voice in a sea of insanity.

I take back everything I've written in previous blogs about him.

Oh. I should mention he is considering me for Secretary of State. No, that has not influenced my opinion of him.

Helloooo Newman: Bipolar Express

Helloooo Newman: Bipolar Express: Some days I love watching the movie The   Polar Express  at Christmas time. I take the t.v. into bed with me and cuddle up, watching it ...

Bipolar Express

Some days I love watching the movie The Polar Express at Christmas time. I take the t.v. into bed with me and cuddle up, watching it over and over again.

Other days I can't stand the movie. I pick up the t.v. and throw it under a train, while the movie is playing.

I think it's because I'm bipolar.

Helloooo Newman: Potunlucky Party

Helloooo Newman: Potunlucky Party: I can't stand going to potluck parties. They're all the rage around Christmas. Hey, I want to have a party but I'm too laz...

Potunlucky Party

I can't stand going to potluck parties. They're all the rage around Christmas.

Hey, I want to have a party but I'm too lazy to get off my ass – I guess it'll be potluck!

I don't understand the popularity of them. It was your idea to have a party and you want me to cook? I think it's time you took responsibility for your own decisions.

That's like having a house warming party and then inviting me to build the house. Sure I'm handy. I'm handy with my middle finger.

I'll bring beer and maybe – maybe – a bag of chips, but you expect me to do kitchen time to improve your party?

Sure, I could go buy something, but the problem with that is the buying part. How much is this party going to cost me? Could you have your party on Black Friday so I can buy some cheap wings with my stereo?

There's always pressure for people to bring some cutsie dish that represents their country or culture.

"Where did you get that plate? It's darling. And your meal is?"

"Meatloaf. It represents what I was going to throw out from my fridge."

I have a real problem with the word "luck". Do we really want luck to play a role when we're eating other people's food?

"Oh, I see you got the meatballs with the salmonella. That's kinda pot unlucky for you, isn't it."

Then the party gets split into people who manage to grab some grub and those that don't.

Pretty soon you have people going hungry and the party becomes a microcosm for society and the 1% that get to eat like Kings the and 99% that go hungry. Should we set up a welfare party so these people can at least have a decent meal?

"Hey Jeff, I didn't know your party was going to be a microcosm for the social and economic ills of society at large. Cool."

"It was hard picking the right kind of music. Don't forget to wash your own dishes."

Helloooo Newman: Feliz Navidud

Helloooo Newman: Feliz Navidud: Is it possible that someone other than José Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad? Maybe just this once. Just for this year. He must need a bre...

Feliz Navidud

Is it possible that someone other than José Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad?

Maybe just this once. Just for this year. He must need a break.

Technically, it's not that difficult a song. I think Adele could handle it, or Jay Z, or XY and Z.

Or no one sing it. Maybe that's better.

No Feliz Navidud.

Just for this year.

Helloooo Newman: Castroenteritis

Helloooo Newman: Castroenteritis: Poor Justin. He is currently suffering from Castroenteritis . This is the condition of developing stomach pains and diarrhea from lo...

Castroenteritis

Poor Justin.

He is currently suffering from Castroenteritis.

This is the condition of developing stomach pains and diarrhea from losing a fellow dictator.

Oh I know, Justin isn't quit the dictator kind. What stops him is the crying after, say, putting people in front of a firing squad or locking up dissenters who, on the plus side, still get free health care.

Don't cry, Justin. I hear Mr. Jong-il is feeling just fine these days.

Helloooo Newman: RIP it Good

Helloooo Newman: RIP it Good: Nine days of mourning? I was done after the first few puffs of my Cohiba.

RIP it Good

Nine days of mourning?

I was done after the first few puffs of my Cohiba.

Helloooo Newman: Aspirin Ache

Helloooo Newman: Aspirin Ache: I was at the drug store looking for a pain reliever the other day. It's a good thing they have 32,000 different kinds of pain pi...

Aspirin Ache

I was at the drug store looking for a pain reliever the other day.

It's a good thing they have 32,000 different kinds of pain pills because I got a headache trying to pick the right one.

I took the pills specifically for people who spend an hour trying to decide on one product.

Then my legs started to hurt from all the standing, so I swallowed pills for people who use their legs a lot while shopping.

Next were my arms, from lifting all the various bottles. Arm-lifting pain pills did the trick.

Eye pain – from reading the microscopic instructions. Eye pain pills.

The worst pain was making-a-decision pain, from having to make all those purchasing decisions.

Oh, and paying pain. Pain relief relieves you of a lot of money.

Now I'm all do#@^%$p%*@ed up.

Helloooo Newman: Axe to Grind

Helloooo Newman: Axe to Grind: Have you ever seen someone actually grinding an axe? I haven't. I've met many people who say they have an axe to grind. Wher...

Axe to Grind

Have you ever seen someone actually grinding an axe?

I haven't.

I've met many people who say they have an axe to grind. Where are they getting their axes?

I have two axes at my cottage. One is really what's called a wood splitter, but it totally has the personality of an axe. I've never had to grind either one.

I'd say if you have a axe to grind then you're buying lousy axes.

That's my life lesson for you – if you have an axe to grind then buy better axes.

Helloooo Newman: Bygones

Helloooo Newman: Bygones: Who are the Bygones? Apparently it's important to let Bygones be themselves, unhindered, unchained by social norms and able to exp...

Bygones

Who are the Bygones?

Apparently it's important to let Bygones be themselves, unhindered, unchained by social norms and able to express themselves freely.

We shorten this to "let Bygones be Bygones."

But who are these people, the Bygones, why do they get to behave any way they want, and is anyone trying to stop them from being themselves?

I imagine they are some ancient tribe in New Guinea that's resisting Western culture. There is a small band of capitalist marauders trying to crush their way of life, extinguish their language, steal their children and put them to work in Taco Bell kitchens filling tacos with antibiotic-bred beef.

I wish I was a Bygone because then my wife would stop trying to mould me into a better man. Bygones get to be whoever they are.

"Honey, the leaves need raking. Put the beer down, finish your breakfast and get moving."

"Listen sweetie, can we just let Bygones be Bygones?"

"You're not a Bygone."

"Yes I am. I got a monthly membership yesterday. They're dying out, sweetie. Someone's gotta keep the tradition going."

"Was that the VISA charge just below PornHub?"

"Let Bygones be Bygones, sweetie."

Helloooo Newman: Spokesperson

Helloooo Newman: Spokesperson: I could really use a spokesperson. Why do only prominent people get to have a spokesperson? If you're really big, like Trump, Cru...

Spokesperson

How come only prominent people get to have a spokesperson? If you're really big, like Trump, Cruise or Oprah, you have lots of spokespersons. They have spokespeople.

I could really use a spokesperson.

I would have my spokesperson make all kinds of important announcements.

First off, I would make him a her – female. It's good optics. Women are smarter and harder working. So says my wife, and I believe her. I think that's a conclusion I arrived at by myself, but truthfully, after 20 years of marriage I'm not sure.

"I'm sorry, Paul is sleeping in today."

My spokesperson will be conveying that message quite often. I'll probably have interviewees say that phrase to test if they are up for the job. A little more convincing, please. Remember to convey the idea that Paul really needs to sleep in because he's been WORKING HARD. Your job is to hide the truth – that I'm lazy.

She (spokeswoman?) would update the world on all kinds of mundane things about my life, similar to people updating their Facebook status with important information like what they are eating, how to boil water, and the latest thing you should be outraged about.

Yes, my spokesperson would, on a daily basis, express my outrage on a variety of issues, because if one doesn't express the proper amount of outrage (in public) regarding various injustices, one is…just like the people committing the injustice.

I would bring my spokesperson in the car to shield me from dangerous situations. She would, for example, handle my road rage incidents for me. This would include flipping the bird, swearing with the window up or down and using the car as a barrier, all the while ready to confront any resulting violence, while I run away and catch a bus. You wouldn't punch a woman, would you?

She would also handle the most important activity I engage in – prayer. I like to sleep in on Sundays (every day, really, but especially Sundays) so she would handle my messages to God.

God: Who is this?

Spokesperson: Paul's spokesperson.

God: And he's…?

Spokesperson: Sleeping.

God: Ah. Well, tell him I'm all out of miracles today.

Spokesperson: I'll pass that along.

Helloooo Newman: Give Him A Wedgie

Helloooo Newman: Give Him A Wedgie: Whenever I see the word "golf" I always read it backwards – "flog" . That's because when I try to play golf,...

Give Him A Wedgie

Whenever I see the word "golf" I always read it backwards – "flog".

That's because when I try to play golf, I feel like beating someone's head in. I want to "flog" them.

With my driver or maybe my nine iron. Whatever makes the best shot.

My caddy helps me with that. "Here, Mr. Hardie, given the size and shape of his head, I suggest the pitching wedge."

Helloooo Newman: Now

Helloooo Newman: Now: Right now is the way things are.

Now

Right now is the way things are.

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Stephen

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Stephen: I read some really great news today. Famed physicist Stephen Hawking announced that at any moment, the Higgs boson field could collaps...

Thank You, Stephen

I read some really great news today.

Famed physicist Stephen Hawking announced that at any moment, the Higgs boson field could collapse and instantly wipe out the universe.

Specifically, the boson could cause a quantum fluctuation, which creates a vacuum bubble that expands and destroys everything in its path.

I was a tad scared that I created a vacuum bubble yesterday when I was vacuuming the living room and accidentally sucked up my gym socks, but I guess it wasn't big enough. They weren't the type of socks that go up to the knee. Thank God. Imagine the flack I would get for ending all of reality.

Is there really any point in raking up the leaves, putting them neatly in bags, when a universe-destroying vacuum could possibly do it for me?

Mr. Hawking said the vacuum may be on its way right now but it just hasn't reached us yet. And you want me to cut the lawn? I don't think so.

I'll do some laundry, maybe a few dishes, but that's it.

I'm gonna let nature do the rest.

Helloooo Newman: I Hope

Helloooo Newman: I Hope: I was watching a documentary on t.v. called How To Prepare For Prison when it occurred to me, I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my lif...

I Hope

I was watching a documentary on t.v. called How To Prepare For Prison when it occurred to me, I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my life.

You know, like he does in The Shawshank Redemption.

It would attach such gravitas to those dull moments and chores in my monotonous existence. While I'm cutting my toe nails or removing dead skin from my heels I could put on an opera record and Morgan's voice would kick in, soaring in its humanity and pathos as the clippings fall into the toilet bowl.

Here's a typical scene in my life, as narrated by Morgan: "Paul sat in his chair, and I tell you, the birds of freedom soared that day like they've never soared before. Towards the sun. The light of knowledge and freedom. He was free. Free as a bird. No prison for Paul."

Something like that.

Maybe it's worth going to prison just so he could give voice to my life. I can always escape, like Andy does in the movie. But not through the sewage pipe. Nope. I'd have to find another way. I have an allergy to human feces, especially if there's gluten in it.

Otherwise, that would be neat.

Helloooo Newman: I'm Going Coconuts Over This

Helloooo Newman: I'm Going Coconuts Over This: Coconuts are in danger:  https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/coconut-genetic-diversity/507014/ If the coconut is in d...

I'm Going Coconuts Over This

Coconuts are in danger: https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/coconut-genetic-diversity/507014/

If the coconut is in danger, that means my coconut water is in danger. Without my coconut water, I can't do my pilates.

No pilates means my cigaretteish waist gets cigarish. My mood falls and I have nothing to chat about with the ladies.

No chatting means I become isolated and depressed. And then I need my pilates and coconut water even more.

So, in a coco-nutshell, MY world is falling apart.

Helloooo Newman: Self Helpless

Helloooo Newman: Self Helpless: When we need help, we get a self-help book. But why is it called a "self-help" book? If we could help ourselves, we wouldn&#3...

Self Helpless

When we need help, we get a self-help book. But why is it called a "self-help" book? If we could help ourselves, we wouldn't need a book.

The proper term is "self-helpless" book.

You feel helpless to help yourself, you need someone to help you, so you help yourself to a self-helpless book, and listen to Help, and hopefully all that helps.

If you need help understanding this, please call the help.

PS: It's been around 90 seconds. Do you like me yet? Maybe you need help liking me. That's another book.

Helloooo Newman: The Phone Interview

Helloooo Newman: The Phone Interview: I have a phone interview tomorrow and nothing good to wear.

The Phone Interview

I have a phone interview tomorrow and nothing good to wear.

Helloooo Newman: Those Aren't Yoga Pants

Helloooo Newman: Those Aren't Yoga Pants: Lululemon is coming out with some new products and it's about time. Lululemon Tanks: The back seats easily fold down to fit those...

Those Aren't Yoga Pants

Lululemon is coming out with some new products and it's about time.

Lululemon Tanks: The back seats easily fold down to fit those large grocery shoppings, or for extra tank shells. TV screens that only tune to Breakfast Television. Treads are anti-lock and pro-fair trade. Black interior with pink accents (gun turret switch, ammo holder).

Lululemon Chainsaw: It plays Handel's Coconut Water Music while running. Cuts wood chips in the shape of tiny Lululemon logos.

Lululemon Weights: Filled with coconut water, can also be used to iron your clothes.

Lululemon Adult Diaper: Enhances your camel toe.

Helloooo Newman: White Paper

Helloooo Newman: White Paper: A huge corporation came to me and asked if I could produce an effective and influential White Paper for their business. ...

White Paper

A huge corporation came to me and asked if I could produce an effective and influential White Paper for their business.

I did, and their global business has tripled.

For a small fee, I can produce a White Paper for your business too.

It will be similar to the White Paper shown above, only probably better.

Call me.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Hat

Helloooo Newman: Brain Hat: Studies show that, just like heat, most of our intelligence is lost through our head, so wear a hat. For me it goes out my ears, ...

Brain Hat

Studies show that, just like body heat, most of our intelligence is lost through our head, so wear a hat.

For me it goes out my ears, although I wish it escaped out my mouth occasionally.

Helloooo Newman: Hello?

Helloooo Newman: Hello?: Why do we answer the phone with "hello" as if it's a question? I hear it all the time. "Hello?" Are we wonde...

Hello?

Why do we answer the phone with "hello" as if it's a question?

I hear it all the time. "Hello?"

Are we really that uncertain there is no one on the other end? Maybe it's the phone itself calling us. What if it's our stalker, calling to say he's on his way over to murder us and will we be home. Oh no, I'm not sure I want to say hi to him.

We've been answering phones for a long time and yet we still struggle with whether "hello" is the proper initial greeting. I can understand Alexander Graham Bell saying "hello?". That was the first time anyone used a phone, and you'd expect him to think, "Shit, my new invention is ringing, what do I say? I guess I'll try "hello".

"Um, hello?"

"And hello to you. What a great way to start a conversation. Let's go with that"

Since then, we've had lots of practice. As far as I can tell, "hello" has been the proper greeting when answering the phone, long before the phone was ever invented.

When we say hello to someone in person, we manage to say "hello!" as if it's a declaration. "Hello there! Yes, definitely HELLO!" Why not on the phone?

Perhaps the problem is we don't know who's calling. But that could be better covered with, "Hello!", and then, "Who's calling?". Besides, we have caller I.D., so we can say, "Oh, it's you again. Hi Sam."

Maybe we should say "speak!" with an exclamation point, since we know that chances are, the person on the other side will want to speak, as that's really the best use of the phone.

Mime artists just don't do well on the phone.

"Hello! I'm busy writing! Bye!"

Helloooo Newman: Product Displacement

Helloooo Newman: Product Displacement: I was in the book store today and I saw a curious Christmas gift. This blog could be about the fact that there are  fucking Christmas ...

Product Displacement

I was in the book store today and I saw a curious Christmas gift.

This blog could be about the fact that there are fucking Christmas gifts in the goddamn book store on fucking November 10. And ugly decorations and seriously sappy and fucked up Christmas carols playing. But it's fucking not.

It's about the strange gift. It's called Das Beer Boot and it's a beer glass in a boot shape. I thought about it for some time. But it still escaped me as to why someone wants to drink a beer out of a boot. I mean, why a boot? Or, if you can make peace with the desire to drink from a boot, why beer in particular? Can it be a water glass too? A wine bootcanter? Maybe a small booty for gravies and dipping sauces?

Do Germans engage in this behaviour? Is that why the name begins with "Das", meaning "The". Why not just "The" in Canada and "Das" in Germany for the German version?

Does "Das" lend it more credibility as a boot that you would drink from, because Germans make good beer? Or is it good boots they make? Does a drinking boot need credentials? Or was this boot modelled after the boots worn by the SS?

Does this mean I should be eating my Wackies cereal from a jock strap? Or present my asparagus tips on my cummerbund?

I guess when I can get all these question answered I'll start my shopping.

Helloooo Newman: Shopping Days

Helloooo Newman: Shopping Days: Only 17,885 shopping days left until I finish buying my xmas gifts when I'm 103. The stress is getting to me.

Shopping Days

Only 17,885 shopping days left until I finish buying my xmas gifts when I'm 103.

The stress is getting to me.

Helloooo Newman: Snoredom

Helloooo Newman: Snoredom: Have you ever noticed that snoring doesn't bother dogs? I don't get it. Last night my wife was sawing down an entire forest ...

Snoredom

Have you ever noticed that snoring doesn't bother dogs? I don't get it.

Last night my wife was sawing down an entire forest of highly valuable trees (Redwoods) with her nasal passages and Newman was lost in his Little House on the Prairie quiet country scene. Meanwhile, huge chunks of bark were filling my quivering eyelids.

I was not on the Prairie. It was more reminiscent of Tarantino, The Inglorious Snorers or Snorer Unchained.

Why can't Newman just slap her in the face so she'll turn over? Saves me from doing it. When I do that I get in big trouble. Sleeping in the garage kind of trouble.

For Newman, the garage is a great find, like discovering that real gem on Dog House Hunters International. "It took a bit of time, but I've really made this place my own. Like the squirrel lamp?"

There's something unique about the snore sound wave. It cuts deep into the ear canal and beats the ear drum, first in a steady, junglesque rhythm and then, as the sleeper stops breathing, it turns into a Buddy Rich solo.

I should write more but I'm really tired. And I'm dying of snoredom.

PS: I could not find a photo of a man trying to stop a woman from snoring. That will all change with Trump.

Helloooo Newman: Mast-a-Don

Helloooo Newman: Mast-a-Don: It looks like someone slept in this morning? I mean, this flag should be at half mast, no? Or maybe bottom mast. Has there ever b...

Mast-a-Don

It looks like someone slept in this morning?

I mean, this flag should be at half mast, no?

Or maybe bottom mast. Has there ever been a bottom mast?

Helloooo Newman: Let's Pretend

Helloooo Newman: Let's Pretend: I'm just gonna pretend that everything's okay. Life is all pretend from now on.

Let's Pretend

I'm just gonna pretend that everything's okay.

Life is all pretend from now on.

Helloooo Newman: Election 2016

Helloooo Newman: Election 2016: I'm voting with my fingers and my face.

Election 2016

I'm voting with my fingers and my face.

Helloooo Newman: Taking the Bate

Helloooo Newman: Taking the Bate: I was at a party last week and someone used the word "exacerbating" . I, personally, stay away from this word. People shou...

Taking the Bate

I was at a party last week and someone used the word "exacerbating".

I, personally, stay away from this word.

People should be really careful when using words that end in "-bate" or "-bating".

Exacerbating has always sounded to me like a really painful episode of masturbating. Like they did it with a pair of scissors or a Gillette razor. And there was a lot of blood. A lot!

Using the English language is a big responsibility, you know.

Helloooo Newman: Captain's Blog

Helloooo Newman: Captain's Blog: Stardate 1237.after the bar closed. The transporter has been finicky of late. It split me into two: Kirk the bad actor and Kirk the ...

Captain's Blog

Stardate 1237.after the bar closed.

The transporter has been finicky of late. It split me into two: Kirk the bad actor and Kirk the even badder actor. The badder one is taking lessons from Spock on how to find the emotional centre of a character.

Stardate 1764.after sex with Uhura.

Friggin transporter. This time it scrambled me, putting the vagina of a co-worker where my mouth should be. Every time I said the words "shields up" I had an orgasm, so I kept saying it. The shields broke. Now I have to be very careful when I bed Romulans. On the upside, I saved a civilization with one of my great speeches and it became known across Starfleet as the "Vagina Monologue".

Stardate 1856.after masturbating to an old fling on Omicron Ceti III.

Again with the transporter. It turned me orange. I ran for President of Starfleet, on the banner "Make Starfleet Great Again" and reminding people that all Klingons are rapists and murderers. I lost. The galaxy breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Spending Time

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Spending Time: Daylight Saving Time (officially, it is not "Savings") should really be called Daylight Spending Time . The two biggest pr...

Daylight Spending Time

Daylight Saving Time (officially, it is not "Savings") should really be called Daylight Spending Time.

The two biggest proponents of DST are the golf industry and the barbecue industry. When the day is longer, people golf more often and eat burnt meat more often.

No, it never had anything to do with farming.

You can read more here, unless you're about to tee off: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/
2016/11/05/the-greatest-myths-about-daylight-saving-time.html

Helloooo Newman: I Left My Cash in San Francisco

Helloooo Newman: I Left My Cash in San Francisco: I wish it had been a date with Tony Bennett. Dinner for one at your average French restaurant in San Francisco cost $100 U.S. That&#...

I Left My Cash in San Francisco

I wish it had been a date with Tony Bennett.

Dinner for one at your average French restaurant in San Francisco cost $100 U.S.

That's $56,000 Canadian.

Time to pay.

I better run.

Excuse me, Miss Warwick, do you know the way to San Jose?

Helloooo Newman: Philz Killz

Helloooo Newman: Philz Killz: Thank you Philz Coffee for helping me up and down the hills of Cisco – my caffeine crutches. Everyone should have a Philz'z to prev...

Philz Killz

Thank you Philz Coffee for helping me up and down the hills of Cisco – my caffeine crutches.

Everyone should have a Philz'z to prevent the zzzzzzzzzzzz'z.