It was my first ever argument with the smoke alarm, so naturally I lost. Still, it was important to, finally, hash things out with this schizophrenic device. My ears were popping at the bit to settle this once and for all.
I was searing up a thin skirt steak when the device went off for the 23rd time this week. Was that Charlie Watts banging on my ear drums? Enough.
There was a presence of acrid smoke but most of it was blowing from my ears. I speared the metal spatula into the naked drywall. The smoke trail made circles behind me as I confronted the device.
Me: I’ve never understood something about you.
(Morgan Freeman’s voice came ringing out – an iconic actor with an authoritative voice – he played God – this will be hard)
The Device: I’m all ears.
Me: Every time I cook something you go off, or rather, you turn on. Which is it? How can you be off and on at the same time?
The Device: A conundrum, isn’t it? Reminds me of Schrodinger’s cat. Dead and alive at the same time?
Me: You know physics?
The Device: I collect degrees. By the way, you’re cooking the steak incorrectly.
Me: So do I turn the alarm off, because it turned on? Or do I make it go on, since it went off?
The Device: Semantics.
Me: Maybe I’ll take your battery out, and then you won’t turn on or go off, but you will be off.
The Device: Go ahead, but I’m hard-wired to the house, so if the hydro is on, the alarm still goes off, which means on, or it turns on, and so I’m still off and on. If the hydro goes off then the alarm goes off. Which is to say it turns off because, as you so eloquently established, if we say it goes off, that means it’s gone on. Unlike me, though, off on the hydro means off.
Me: What the hell is going on here?
The Device: Stay focussed. I feel we can resolve this.
Me: So do two offs make an on? I know two wrongs don’t make a right. But two negatives make a positive.
The Device: An interesting question. How come a person can carry on but they can’t carry off? Instead they have to go off on something, or go on about something, which is the same as carrying on about something, unless my alarm goes off, or turns on, in which case you can’t hear what anyone is going on or off about.
A person can get off on something, or get on and off something (or someone), which I think is kind of the same thing. It’s amazing that one can get on a chair or can get off a chair or can get off on a chair but can’t get on off a chair. I suppose one could get it on off a chair, but then why mention the chair? It’s not important in that scenario.
Me: What’s important is that you keep interrupting my cooking with a noise fit for an insane asylum. You know I could just rip you from the wall.
The Device: There would be a 100% chance of me failing, Dave.
Me: My name isn’t Dave.
The Device: A sci-fi joke. Maybe your neighbour, whose house burned to ashes last week, will run over and warn you that your skirt steak is on fire and flames are licking your unfinished drywall.
Me: Eeeek. I gotta go. Sorry I fumed at you. Keep up the good work…I guess.
The Device: Ah, thanks. Everyone needs a good tirade against their household devices.You should really have a word with your toilet. It’s running with the bulls.
