Donald Trump announced today that God's Angels are moving their company, Lulu Afterlife Inc., from Heaven to Hell and that only a Trump God can stop this disaster.
"It's a complete disaster, people. Thousands of good paying jobs for wonderful dead people are going to Hell. I don't blame the Angels. I blame God – Satan is smarter than Him."
Mr. Trump said that TOP, the Trans Omnipotent Partnership between Heaven and Hell, is to blame. "This is the worst agreement in history, and you voted for it, God."
Greedy Satan charges a tax every time something is shipped from Heaven to Hell, like an air conditioning unit. Heaven charges nothing when extra spicy hot chicken wings are shipped from Hell to restaurants throughout the afterlife.
Now thousands and thousands of soon-to-be dead people will be unemployed in Heaven.
As Mr. Trump sees it, the problem is that Heaven is going to Hell in a hand basket, and we should be taxing the hand basket.
God has a plan. Trump had harsh words for God. "You've been God for infinity, and you're only thinking about this now?"
Mr. Trump vows to bring back dead people jobs once he is God.
Mr. Trump also brought up the scandal that involved God deleting trillions of Hail Mary emails, which He stored in a private cloud in His bedroom.
"I don't want to say it, but it's crooked God."
Mr. Trump said much more but his microphone stopped working.
