Why can't my dog be like the dogs on The Dog Whisperer?
Calm and assertive. That's the mantra of Cesar Millan, the show's host and canine-commanding conundrum.
How does he do it?
All the dogs on TDW debut as Jack the Ripper-type hounds from Hell that rule the household in a Hitleresque fashion.
Then comes Cesar's inDOGtrination. A stern nudge here, a wink there, a kick to the shins (all in a calm fashion) and presto – Rover becomes a cast member from The Waltons or Leave It To Beaver. Goodnight Fido. Goodnight Buster-boy.
Meanwhile when Newman happens upon a dog, he slips into his best impression of Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs fame, complete with the sucking bottom lip sound and an appetite for liver.
If you ask me, the dogs on that show are paid actors. And I can prove it.
I stumbled upon Timmy, an insecure poodle-inner city drug dealer mix and a TDW cast member (recently fired), on the L.A strip. In real life, this guy's an arfhole.
Was it the white powder sprinkled on his snoot or his overbearing mom asking for more cash? Who knows, but he was one angry dude. I think fame has infected his little doggie brain.
"Your poop smells like everyone else's", I yelled. He shot me a look of disdain only a celebrity could deliver. Reminded me of Gwyneth Paltrow's face when I asked her about her new lifestyle company, Dupe.
"That's Goop, you moron".
I imagined her being touchy-feely. Only touchy.
T.V. It ain't real!
