Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Words continue to confuse me. When I write for my blog, I am blogging . When I write a book, I'm not booking . I'm writing. ...

Musings and Woes

Words continue to confuse me.

When I write for my blog, I am blogging.

When I write a book, I'm not booking. I'm writing.

When I write an article, I'm not articling. I'm writing.

When I write for the web, I'm not webbing. I'm writing.

When I write on a washroom wall, I'm not washroom walling. I'm writing.

When I write for the Bible, I'm not Bibling. I'm writing. And bullshitting.

When I write my obituary, I'm not obituarying. I'm writing. Or someone else is, I guess. I'm deading.

I'm confused. And confusing.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Someone recently asked Donald Trump about his stance on… bathrooms . If you ask me, two important issues that are consistently overlook...

Musings and Woes

Someone recently asked Donald Trump about his stance on…bathrooms.

If you ask me, two important issues that are consistently overlooked by the LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD are bathroom use and overdue library books.

His answer, not exactly in these words (though perhaps they should have been), was, "Are you fucking kidding me? Use whatever bathroom you want. Is this really an issue worth fighting about?"

Surprise. Trump is on the right side of an issue. The government of North Carolina can go fuck itself.

But I want more detail on how the LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD would navigate such tumultuous toity terrain.

Me: "You say transgenders can use whatever bathroom they want. But does this include going #1 and #2?"

Trump: "I will make America #1 again. That means anyone can go #1 or #2 anywhere, anytime."

Me: "I could so go for a #2 at Katz's Deli in New York."

Trump: "Me 2."

Me: "What about pee stains?"

Trump: "Ah yes, very important. Can you remind me why I care about this?

Me: "Below every urinal across this great country, on the floor, lies a pee stain, from all the shaking and dripping. Can that be eradicated?"

Trump: "It will be. Right after I eradicate ISIS."

Me: "And overdue library books?"

Trump: "Return them, people. Especially my book. Go buy it instead."

Helloooo Newman: Vote for Me

Helloooo Newman: Vote for Me: Do you ever feel like you need a vote of confidence? I don't mean from people. I mean from the universe. I need a vote of confi...

Vote for Me

Do you ever feel like you need a vote of confidence?

I don't mean from people.

I mean from the universe.

I need a vote of confidence from the universe. I picture myself as a candidate in an election, running as a person who wants to get somewhere in this life.

I need the universe's vote. It's only one vote, but it's a huge vote. It's the entire election, really.

Excuse me Mr. universe, my life is not the Olympics and I am not a hurdles runner, so stop putting hurdles in my way.

I'm a politician, running for my life, and my slogan is, "Shit, what's gonna happen next?"

Didn't you see my election ads? Hi, my name's Paul and I'm looking for a life. Vote for me and feel really good about yourself.

Maybe I should have gone with my alternative slogan, "Make Paul great again!"

Maybe my luck has just run out. I've had a huge amount of it, for sure. But where is it now?

If you had just told me how much luck I am allotted, Mr. universe, I would have dispersed it more evenly, instead of using it all up in my toddler years. What the hell good does that do me?

Thanks for the heads up, Mr. universe.

Now my head's down.

Looking for a littl' bit of bloomin' luck.

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Crazy

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Crazy: If you are a Miss or Mrs. in Saudi Arabia, you are not allowed to drive. Isn't that crazy? To quote the Deputy Crown Prince (of ...

Driving Miss Crazy

If you are a Miss or Mrs. in Saudi Arabia, you are not allowed to drive.

Isn't that crazy?

To quote the Deputy Crown Prince (of darkness), "The community is not convinced about women driving."

In English this reads, "The community (ahem, men) holds our scrotums in their hands and they vote by giving a proper squeeze."

On top of that, it's the only country in the world afraid of women drivers. North Korea allows women to drive – even to their own executions.

To be culturally behind Kim Jong Un is to be Unconscious and Unworthy of power.

Are there no teens in Saudi Arabia?

How many times do I get this text from my daughter?: "Dad, can you drive me to I don't know the fuck where, and an hour later drive the fuck over there, and then here, and then…?"

"No, but your mother can."

This bronze-age mentality all stems from Wahhabism.

"Wahhabi" originates from "what hobby?", referring to fat men with nothing useful to do, so they pass the time subjugating women.

I think a little sensitivity training is in order for this lumbering group of dinosaurs that escaped the big meteorite.

(Fun fact: Did you know scientists believe decaying dinosaurs are in part responsible for creating our oil?)

We can start with the very basics of human rights – Women are people too.

Course 101: Yes, there are differences between women and household pets.

Course 202: The benefits of my wife driving that screaming baby to a playdate.

Course 303: In the passenger seat I can more easily count my barrels of oil.

Course 404: If I show a little flexibility, maybe my whore, I mean mistress, will too (wink, wink).

Classes begin next Tuesday at your local oil refinery.

Helloooo Newman: The Walking Death of Logic

Helloooo Newman: The Walking Death of Logic: I peppered him with questions. Logical questions, I thought. I was friend-chatting and we were talking The Walking Dead. Something ...

The Walking Death of Logic

I peppered him with questions about the dead.

Logical questions, I thought.

I was friend-chatting and we were talking The Walking Dead.

Something has always nagged the back of my mind about that show.

Me: Why don't the zombies ever get tired?

Him: Cuz they are dead.

Me: Why don't they feel pain, like when they get shot or run over by a car? Why don't they bleed to death?

Him: Cuz they are already dead. Dummy.

Me: Okay, now I'm getting it. There's a Zombie logic operating here. Do zombies poop?

Him: What? Of course not. They are dead.

Me: Okay, okay. Do they ever get hungry?

Him: Why would they get hungry?

Me: Well, when they attack people, they eat their flesh.

Him: Ya.

Me: But why eat if they're already dead? And if they eat, why don't they poop it out? Where do all the human innards they gobble up go?

Him: Wow, you're disturbed.

Me: It's completely logical. They don't need to eat, so why attack people? Why not just enjoy all the benefits of zombie death – no job, no rent to pay, and yet they can still watch a nice sunset and read a good book?

I think you should stop watching the show until these questions are answered properly.

He walked away. Doesn't return my calls.

He's dead to me.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Someone told me today that I'm not as smart as I look. They also said I'm not as good looking as I look. That hurt.

Musings and Woes

Someone told me today that I'm not as smart as I look.

They also said I'm not as good looking as I look.

That hurt.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I FOUND IT! I was lying in a haystack yesterday. And there it was. The needle. That wasn't hard. Maybe I will find my dre...

Musings and Woes

I FOUND IT!

I was lying in a haystack yesterday.

And there it was.

The needle.

That wasn't hard.

Maybe I will find my dream job.

Helloooo Newman: Bernie Phone Home

Helloooo Newman: Bernie Phone Home: Is Bernie Sanders human? Or E.T.? Or, did Bernie Sanders have a bastard son with a turtle? Very important questions, considering he&#...

Bernie Phone Home

Is Bernie Sanders human? Or E.T.?

Or, did Bernie Sanders have a bastard son with a turtle?

Very important questions, considering he's running for the highest office in the land.

Helloooo Newman: Political Thought Crime

Helloooo Newman: Political Thought Crime: With an envy-soaked heart, I read the bio of a 20-something girl I met recently. She has a degree in Political Thought . My God, the ...

Political Thought Crime

With an envy-soaked heart, I read the bio of a 20-something girl I met recently.

She has a degree in Political Thought.

My God, the younger generation is catching up.

I felt so…educatedless.

I carry around my Honours BA in psychology, which was purchased in 1985. That makes it almost as useful as my current Bachelor in BBQ, with a minor in marinades.

What distinguishes political thought from…political science? Or political discourse? Or, depending on the politician, political intercourse?

Wait, that's easy. Three of these involve the mouth, the other doesn't.

How do you test for political thought?

Professor: What's this?

Student: My exam.

Professor: You wrote in down. On paper.

Student: Um, yes.

Professor: I can't accept this.

Student: Why not?

Professor: This is a course in political thought. We don't write things down here.

Student: But how do you know what my thoughts are?

Professor: Oh, you want to express your thoughts, do you? I suppose you want this to lead to a conversation? You've developed an opinion, have you?

Student: Well, there's so much more to learn, but…

Professor: Hold that thought. My dear sweet girl, university is no place for a conversation. That leads to disagreement, and next thing you know we are apes, swinging from Facebook post to Facebook post, eating people's reputations like so many bananas.

You don't want a PhD in Regret, do you?

Student: (silence)

Professor: I thought not.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: What's that saying? Variety is the spice of life? I think that is sooooooo true. I've never understood people who always get ...

Musings and Woes

What's that saying? Variety is the spice of life?

I think that is sooooooo true.

I've never understood people who always get the same car or the same type of dog. Over and over again.

The same wife, a second or third time.

I definitely wouldn't get the same wife.

No way.

I mean just for variety's sake. I love my wife.

Not that I'm looking.

I'm not.

Really.

Um, well, everything was good as of this morning.

I haven't exactly checked since then.

Hmmmm…

Nah, I'm sure I'm fine.





I'll be right back…

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: They say if you really want something to happen, like an important goal, you should write it down. Well: I'm gonna write great. ...

Musings and Woes

They say if you really want something to happen, like an important goal, you should write it down.

Well:

I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.
I'm gonna write great.

Shit. It worked.

Helloooo Newman: The Do-Nothing Professional

Helloooo Newman: The Do-Nothing Professional: I wish I had the job of Governor of the Bank of Canada or Chairman of the Federal Reserve in the U.S. What other job can you have where...

The Do-Nothing Professional

I wish I had the job of Governor of the Bank of Canada or Chairman of the Federal Reserve in the U.S.

What other job can you have where your central message to an entire country is "I am doing nothing" and everyone cheers?

Today the Bank of Canada Governor, to much fanfare and media coverage, announced he is leaving interest rates the same.

"I've gathered you all here to say that after careful study, nothing will change."

Everyone cheers and let's out a sigh of relief that the economy will continue along smoothly because a PhDified economist went with "nothing".

I'd be excellent at this kind of thing.

Boss: Mr. Hardie, what have you done today?

Me: Nothing

Applause throughout the office…

Boss: Will you do anything tomorrow?

Me: Hard to say. Probably not. And stop pressuring me.

Do you know the name of the Governor of the Bank of Canada?

Me neither.

Helloooo Newman: Trojan Sandwich

Helloooo Newman: Trojan Sandwich: Today, April 12, 2016, is national Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. To some, like me and your average man, it's also called I Wish I Kn...

Trojan Sandwich

Today, April 12, 2016, is national Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day.

To some, like me and your average man, it's also called I Wish I Knew How to Make Something Else Day.

Or, Can I Reduce a Meal to Only Two Ingredients Day?

If you are a kid, it's called Grill Cheese Sandwich Day. Kids don't bother saying the "ed". Too many letters.

The grilled cheese sandwich has a long history. Contrary to popular opinion, it was not created in a Roman bath house, as a metaphor for the goings-on in these places.

It was created during the Trojan War.

The famous wooden horse was, on the first attempt, a cheese sandwich. Butter was placed on the inside of the faux sandwich but the hidden soldiers kept slipping out.

Greek engineers quickly realized this wouldn't work. A recent graduate suggested putting the butter on the outside. You can't have a sandwich without butter.

A brilliant student he was, but he later drowned in student debt.

Sensing danger from the trick sandwich, the Trojans set it on fire and lunchtime was born.

As the sandwich burned, human blood dripped out and someone yelled, "Hey, are those tomatoes?"

Thus was established the tradition of dipping the grilled cheese sandwich in ketchup.

Psychologists now believe that if you don't dunk your grilled cheese in ketchup, you are mentally ill.

Enjoy eating a grilled cheese in large groups, because tomorrow is National Leave Me The Fuck Alone Day.

Helloooo Newman: Pinkish Hue Day

Helloooo Newman: Pinkish Hue Day: I don't like Pink Shirt Day. It's for a good cause and all. I just don't own anything pink, and I look horrible in it anywa...

Pinkish Hue Shirt Day

I don't like Pink Shirt Day.

It's for a good cause and all. I just don't own anything pink, and I look horrible in it anyway.

I wish it was called Pinkish Hue Shirt Day.

I have tons of shirts in a pinkish hue, on account of the fact that I always wash my white t-shirts with my black underwear and red jeans. It took a while, but now I have lots of pinkish hue stuff.

Or maybe Rosy Glow Shirt Day. I have lots of shirts with a rosy glow because I wash my red shirts with my white underwear and black socks. It took a while, but now I have lots of rosy glow stuff.

Still, I don't like days where everyone does the same thing and you're told exactly how you should observe the occasion.

I would much prefer cmyk Shirt Day. Cmyk (cyan, magenta, yellow, black) are the four colours that printers combine to make up all the printing you see in magazines and on boxes and everything else.

That way I can make my own colour and feel like an individual.

If you are too lazy to make your own colour, you can have Pantone Shirt Day. Pantone colours are pre-mixed colours ready to be used. Pick a pantone number (193) and you are ready to celebrate the day.

I don't know why there isn't a colour blind shirt day. An entire subset of the population left out.

Or, I could just learn to do my laundry properly and celebrate Pink Shirt Day in the traditional way.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I think if I were a veterinarian, I would drive a corvette. That way I could call myself a "corvetteterinarian". Imagine ho...

Musings and Woes

I think if I were a veterinarian, I would drive a corvette.

That way I could call myself a "corvetteterinarian".

Imagine how much fun that would be.

Showing up at parties in a corvette and mingling about, introducing myself as a "corvetteterinarian".

Who would do that?

Other than me.

Helloooo Newman: Weekend at Bernie's

Helloooo Newman: Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie Sanders seems like a nice guy. I kinda like some of his ideas. I don't think I'd lose much sleep while a few Wall Street...

Weekend at Bernie's

Bernie Sanders seems like a nice guy. I kinda like some of his ideas.

I don't think I'd lose much sleep while a few Wall Street bankers rot in Guantanamo, albeit New York style.

Unfortunately, he has that voice. It would drive me crazy.

Four years of that voice would render me unable to recognize the English language.

He sounds like George Steinbrenner, only not the real Steinbrenner.

More like Seinfeld's version. And that voice is done by Larry David.

So let's vote for Larry David instead. He's funnier, and a better writer.

While we're at it, let's make Julia Louis Dreyfus veep.

America's new motto could be "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Ya, now I'm feeling enthused.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: As I watch more of Game of Thrones, I wonder what kind of job I would want in that world. I mean, if King of the Iron Throne were alrea...

Musings and Woes

As I watch more Game of Thrones, I wonder what kind of job I would want in that world.

I mean, if King of the Iron Throne was already taken.

Running the whore house would be fun, but keeping my bitches in line would be irksome. I'm too nice a guy. Plus I'd be too busy using my own service for any customer to even get close to it.

Fire-breathing dragon would be so cool. I mean, hot, but cool. Get to hang with the Khaleesi. Feel sorry for the female dragons around menopause time. The hot flashes must be wicked.

I've decided I would be a coroner. What an easy job that would be:

Coroner's report: cause of death
Body #1: sword wound
Body #2: sword wound
Body #3: sword wound
Body #4: sword wound
Body #5: sword wound
Body #6: sword wound
Body #7: sword wound
Body #8: sword wound
Body #9: sword wound
Body #10: sword wound
Body #11: sword wound
Body #12: sword wound
Body #13: sword wound
Body #14: sword wound
Body #15: sword wound
Body #16: sword wound
Body #17: sword wound
Body #18: sword wound
Body #19: sword wound
Body #20: sword wound
Body #21: sword wound
Body #22: poison…
All dead bodies: sword wound or poison.

Retire!

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I've been watching Game of Thrones and I'm confused. All the Kings get the "Hand of the King". A very prestigious and...

Musings and Woes

I've been watching Game of Thrones and I'm confused.

All the Kings get the "Hand of the King". A very prestigious and powerful role.

What do the Queens get? A maid? A seamstress?

Not fair.

I want to be the Queen's Fist.

I hereby declare myself the Queen's Fist.

"Yes, your majesty. It's fisting time all the time."

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks Fuhrer

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks Fuhrer: Me at my local Starbucks I'm the Starbucks Fuhrer. When people in front of me order their multi-syllabic drinks, I get Fuhreri...

Starbucks Fuhrer

I'm the Starbucks Fuhrer.

When people in front of me order their multi-syllabic drinks, I get Fuhrerious!

My order is one fucking word. COFFEE. Why do I have to wait for you to explain your drink?

It's not a drink, it's a goddamn dessert recipe. And a soliloquy.

A customer in front of me ordered the following "drink" (a real order):

Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice…

Hey Shakespeare, the play is over.

Congratulations, you can recite the entire Dairy Queen menu.

First, you are a pussy and probably diabetic.

Second, you shouldn't get to speak anymore. You've said enough, and you are using my speaking time.

What really squeezed my scrotum was when the barista asked this person how their day was going.

Fucking NO. People who order this shit don't get to say another word. Five minute ordering time MAX. How Fuhrerious I am.

I think we know how their day is going. They are so comatose they need 20% of the world's sugar supply in their cup.

I thought War and Peace ran on, and then I heard this order.

Move along, Tolstoy.

Now you have the blood sugar of a cinnabon. Please proceed to the insulin factory right away.

Where's the social responsibility, Starbucks?

Look, I'm all for religious expression, but if your drink order takes longer to recite than the Lord's Prayer? I'm going for the confessional wine.

Starbucks needs an onsite drink editor.

"Sir, those 20 people behind you all have families, careers, debts to pay, fun to be done, just like you. So today you're having a half decaf hot water. Stop talking."

Das Fuhrer has spoken.

Musings and Woes

Hey, no charge.

Great news out of France.

They just passed a law making it illegal to pay for sex.

Free hookers!

Damn I love the French.



Are you sick of the U.S. election yet? I am.

Can't they just play a game and winner takes all?

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's always weird going into a Starbucks and ordering my favourite coffee. Hi, can I have a "Tall Blonde?". If I worked t...

Musings and Woes

It's always weird going into a Starbucks and ordering my favourite coffee. Hi, can I have a "Tall Blonde?".

If I worked there, I would need more information.

"Look around, there's blondes everywhere. Can you be more specific?"

"Do you have a blonde under 6 feet, medium build, in her 30s?"

"What occupation?"

"Maybe a lawyer. But with a sense of humour."

"Ohhh, just ran out of those. I have a short, frumpy bleach blonde with dark roots, sells mascara at Shoppers."

"Tea, please."

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: The Kremlin, aka Vladimir Putin, reacted harshly to accusations regarding Russian officials hiding billions of dollars in secret Panaman...

Musings and Woes

The Kremlin, aka Vladimir Putin, reacted harshly to accusations regarding Russian officials hiding billions of dollars in secret Panamanian bank accounts.

After carefully constructing their response, the Russians issued a statement on CNN, calling the allegations a "series of fibs".

Fibbing is against the law in Russia.

When called "guilty" beyond a reasonable doubt, the Russian officials got red-faced, bleating, "I know you are, but what am I?"

This was followed by, "Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names will never find the account numbers" and "your momma's so ugly she makes onions cry."

Putin, who was busy counting money in his crib, was quoted as saying, "I am rubber, you are glue. Anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

Reporters asked about the paper trail.

"Dickweed", responded the Russians.

Reporters: There is too much corruption in the Kremlin.

Kremlin: It takes one to know one.

Reporters: How can you ignore these serious allegations?

Kremlin: Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

The Russians started to tantrum, upset their food bowls and stormed out.

Panamanian pandemonium ensued.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: A woman in India who was expecting just one child has given birth to five babies. She never had an ultrasound so she was shocked to fi...

Musings and Woes

A woman in India who was expecting just one child has given birth to five babies.

She never had an ultrasound so she was shocked to find out she was carrying quintuplets.

She is quoted as saying, "I am extremely grateful to God for blessing us with not one but five children."

It's real: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2016/04/04/surprise-quintuplets_n_9609482.html

Meanwhile, in the United States…

A woman from Florida was expecting five children but actually was only carrying one child.

She never had an ultrasound because she was busy binge-watching American Idol. She estimated five children based on the size of her belly, which had its own parking space at her job.

She is quoted as saying, "Praise Jesus it was only one kid. I don't much care for kids, especially my own. If I had five, there'd be a garage sale at my house."

Doctors discovered the extra weight was not children, but several week's worth of Arby's lunch specials.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I asked this guy how cold it was outside and he said, "Negative five." "Is that the same as minus five?" Sorry, ...

Musings and Woes

I asked this guy how cold it was outside and he said, "Negative five."

"Is that the same as minus five?"

Sorry, but I don't need negativity like that in my life.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughts on Reading

Helloooo Newman: Thoughts on Reading: Jesus this book is long. Should I just wait for the movie? Of course, they screwed up Beverly Hills Chihuahua , so you never know. Why...

Thoughts on Reading

Jesus this book is long. Should I just wait for the movie? Of course, they screwed up Beverly Hills Chihuahua, so you never know.

I wonder who would make a good director. I'd pick Bow Wow.

Why isn't anyone humping in this book?

I'm sleepy. Is it nap time yet? What's that feeling? Oh damn, my crotch is itchy again. Focus, focus.

Shit, where's Chapter 3? Oh ya, I ate it.

Did you hear something? What was that? Is that a raccoon? Whoops, just my stomach growling. I'm sooooo hungry. It's been, like, 7 minutes since they fed me. The spartan life is killing me.

These pillows look so tasty.

Who is this author? Chelsea Handler? I could sure use a chelsea bun.

I refuse to dog-ear these pages. On principle.

I think poodles are the sexiest. Yup, I've decided that.

Mmmm, poodletang.

89 pages and not one squirrel.

That's enough readin' now. Really, I think the back cover explains it all. I'm done.