HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Sunday, 27 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: I'm in a Newman State of Mind
Helloooo Newman: I'm in a Newman State of Mind: Production is fast and furious on Newman's new vlog, coming to Youtube very soon. There have been some budgeting hurdles, but nothing ...
I'm in a Newman State of Mind
Production is fast and furious on Newman's new vlog, coming to Youtube very soon.
There have been some budgeting hurdles, but nothing we can't handle. The bar bills have been completely out of control and WTF, the production company, refused to believe we employ a man named Mr. Crantini.
We at Helloooo Newman realized something very important – we need a theme song.
And so was born "I'm in a Newman State of Mind".
This is based on the melody of Billy Joel's "I'm in a New York State of Mind". Okay, we stole it.
Please don't tell Mr. Joel about this. He wouldn't return our phone calls.
Newman's lyrics are as follows (to the tune of "I'm in a New York State of Mind")
Some dads like to get away
Take a holiday from the wife and kid
Hop a bus to the downtown core
Or just take a shit
But I'm eating some mouldy bread and a chicken's spine
I'm in a Newman State of Mind
Just log onto Youtube for the tune and replace Mr. Joel's lyrics with these much better lyrics.
Please also memorize this tune as we can't afford to pay anyone to play it at the beginning of each episode.
There have been some budgeting hurdles, but nothing we can't handle. The bar bills have been completely out of control and WTF, the production company, refused to believe we employ a man named Mr. Crantini.
We at Helloooo Newman realized something very important – we need a theme song.
And so was born "I'm in a Newman State of Mind".
This is based on the melody of Billy Joel's "I'm in a New York State of Mind". Okay, we stole it.
Please don't tell Mr. Joel about this. He wouldn't return our phone calls.
Newman's lyrics are as follows (to the tune of "I'm in a New York State of Mind")
Some dads like to get away
Take a holiday from the wife and kid
Hop a bus to the downtown core
Or just take a shit
But I'm eating some mouldy bread and a chicken's spine
I'm in a Newman State of Mind
Just log onto Youtube for the tune and replace Mr. Joel's lyrics with these much better lyrics.
Please also memorize this tune as we can't afford to pay anyone to play it at the beginning of each episode.
Friday, 25 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: Forrest trump
Helloooo Newman: Forrest trump: Wisdom from Forrest Trump: Mama always said life is like a box car full of Mexicans. You never know which one you'll squeeze and sen...
Forrest trump
Wisdom from Forrest Trump:
Mama always said life is like a box car full of Mexicans.
You never know which one you'll squeeze and send back.
Mama always said life is like a box car full of Mexicans.
You never know which one you'll squeeze and send back.
Thursday, 24 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: In Poor Taste
Helloooo Newman: In Poor Taste: TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU THINK THE POPE HAS THE DOPE ON GOOD LIVING, I SUGGEST READING ONE OF THE OTHER 500 TRILLION ARTICLES ON THE WEB. ...
In Poor Taste
TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU THINK THE POPE HAS THE DOPE ON GOOD LIVING, I SUGGEST READING ONE OF THE OTHER 500 TRILLION ARTICLES ON THE WEB.
A new Pope is on a new world tour.
No one is bigger than the Pope. Not even the Beatles. The Pope is bigger than Jesus, but only because Jesus is a constant no show.
I was struck by one of the Pope's many pithy sayings.
"Let poverty be your mother."
Really? Do we get to eat food, or is it just breast milk every day? Breast milk is too sweet for me, although I sure like the "bottle" it comes in.
Lord knows my mom (dad too) wasn't perfect, but she decided we should live in a house, go to school and get a job. All things said, wise choices.
I don't know. I think I'd rather have Mommy Dearest's Joan Crawford as a mom.
The Pope has a taste for being poor. Tastes kind of bland to me.
It's curious that this advice was only given to Cubans. I hope he doesn't mind if I aspire to be dirt poor as well.
"May the Lord give us these graces: poverty and mercy…*"
Yup, that's the Pope speaking again.
I added the asterix.
Don't worry, everyone can still be poor. The Pope just forgot to mention the $50 million spent to keep him safe.
Hmmm, what kind of cookie goes with breast milk?
A new Pope is on a new world tour.
No one is bigger than the Pope. Not even the Beatles. The Pope is bigger than Jesus, but only because Jesus is a constant no show.
I was struck by one of the Pope's many pithy sayings.
"Let poverty be your mother."
Really? Do we get to eat food, or is it just breast milk every day? Breast milk is too sweet for me, although I sure like the "bottle" it comes in.
Lord knows my mom (dad too) wasn't perfect, but she decided we should live in a house, go to school and get a job. All things said, wise choices.
I don't know. I think I'd rather have Mommy Dearest's Joan Crawford as a mom.
The Pope has a taste for being poor. Tastes kind of bland to me.
It's curious that this advice was only given to Cubans. I hope he doesn't mind if I aspire to be dirt poor as well.
"May the Lord give us these graces: poverty and mercy…*"
Yup, that's the Pope speaking again.
I added the asterix.
Don't worry, everyone can still be poor. The Pope just forgot to mention the $50 million spent to keep him safe.
Hmmm, what kind of cookie goes with breast milk?
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: Modern Male
Helloooo Newman: Modern Male: Men often come up to me on the street and ask, "Hey Paul, what's your secret?" I'd love to be able to tell them, but the...
Modern Male
Men often come up to me on the street and ask, "Hey Paul, what's your secret?"
I'd love to be able to tell them, but then I wouldn't be superior to them anymore.
A lot of men try to imitate me. I would say Ryan Gosling does the best job, although he lacks many of the subtleties that make me so awesome. Like my ability to fight off bears at the cottage with my bear hands.
I have to admit, though, that Ryan does have that sweet mix of macho, dangerous strength along with a gentle and nurturing demeanour. He can stomp someone's face in and deliver a newborn baby in the same afternoon. For me, The strengthy part always beats up the caring part when it's not looking and leaves it lying in its own tears.
Oh, alright. My secret isn't really that unique. My wife installed the latest male operating system in me and now I'm a smooth running man who behaves perfectly.
There are so many behavioural software modifications today's male has to make to be considered a proper "feminist" man that you have an upgrade to install every week. At $29.99 a pop I can't afford anymore upgrades.
And still, no app that will remove hair from my chest.
This week I just uploaded the Ryan Gosling "brooding" app and it's done wonders.
Women stop me on the street and ask me why I look so upset. "It's just not fair that women are paid 73% of a man's salary in the corporate workplace, and yet the escorts I use are so well compensated", the app answers for me.
I guess we can't go back to the pre-computer age. The "me Tarzan, you Jane" days.
Nowadays, my wife and I split everything. Even our pain. That's why I have a splitting headache all the time.
There are still bugs in my software. For some reason my laundry upgrade doesn't support colours, so everything comes out dishcloth grey. Now I've lost the privilege of doing laundry.
I'd love to be able to tell them, but then I wouldn't be superior to them anymore.
A lot of men try to imitate me. I would say Ryan Gosling does the best job, although he lacks many of the subtleties that make me so awesome. Like my ability to fight off bears at the cottage with my bear hands.
I have to admit, though, that Ryan does have that sweet mix of macho, dangerous strength along with a gentle and nurturing demeanour. He can stomp someone's face in and deliver a newborn baby in the same afternoon. For me, The strengthy part always beats up the caring part when it's not looking and leaves it lying in its own tears.
Oh, alright. My secret isn't really that unique. My wife installed the latest male operating system in me and now I'm a smooth running man who behaves perfectly.
There are so many behavioural software modifications today's male has to make to be considered a proper "feminist" man that you have an upgrade to install every week. At $29.99 a pop I can't afford anymore upgrades.
And still, no app that will remove hair from my chest.
This week I just uploaded the Ryan Gosling "brooding" app and it's done wonders.
Women stop me on the street and ask me why I look so upset. "It's just not fair that women are paid 73% of a man's salary in the corporate workplace, and yet the escorts I use are so well compensated", the app answers for me.
I guess we can't go back to the pre-computer age. The "me Tarzan, you Jane" days.
Nowadays, my wife and I split everything. Even our pain. That's why I have a splitting headache all the time.
There are still bugs in my software. For some reason my laundry upgrade doesn't support colours, so everything comes out dishcloth grey. Now I've lost the privilege of doing laundry.
Monday, 21 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: Things Ultra-Lazy People Do Differently
Helloooo Newman: Things Ultra-Lazy People Do Differently: When it comes to laziness, we all face the same challenge – why are there so many hours in a day? Yet some lazy people find themselves wit...
Things Ultra-Lazy People Do Differently
When it comes to laziness, we all face the same challenge – why are there so many hours in a day?
Yet some lazy people find themselves with extra time in the day to get stuff done, even after napping, talking, caffinating, bitching, yawning, urinating and eating.
Many amateur lazy people are actually faced with huge tasks on a daily basis, like putting their pants on.
Try these 10 tips from the experts at laziness so you too can stop accomplishing things.
1. They never touch things: Lazy people will look at a project, start sweating and hyperventilating at the enormity of it, and put it off for a better time, like on their 121st birthday. They lock the project in a file cabinet drawer and ignore the project's screams and pleas to GET IT DONE.
2. They ignore tomorrow: These people will ignore tomorrow until sometime next month. They end the current day depressed and are never really convinced that tomorrow will actually come. A truly lazy person's calendar is very confusing.
3. They hate eating frogs: Productive people eat frogs, or, do the least appetizing chore first. Lazy people hate frogs legs, even in a nice garlic butter sauce. They look for the most rewarding activity of the day first, like applying duct tape to the snooze button.
4. They submit to the tyranny of the urgent: "Lazies" hate important things, or the "big picture". They focus on immediate urges that get in the way of productivity, like eating a cruller, gossiping or massaging the back of their knees.
5. They deviate from all schedules: Forget about schedules with these people. They will fuck you up, especially in meetings. They take notes on their thighs because it distracts everyone and slows things down.
6. They say yes: These people don't really want to do anything, but will say yes to everything. That's because they want you to like them, and they have lots of room in the cabinet to lock that task up.
7. They check emails all day: Even the spam. They build up all kinds of email attachments. Very dependent, insecure people.
8. They multitask: Focussing on one thing means it might get done. Lazies don't risk that. Then they'll have to start something else. It all snowballs and soon they are actually working and have a life. Multitasking is the ticket to failure, and avoiding work.
9. They stay on the grid: There's nothing like watching a good episode of Naked and Afraid while running around the house turning on anything electrical. If they didn't tune in, a lot of naked people would be unemployed.
10. They hate delegating: Lazies don't accept that you might be smart enough to help them. They are perfectly capable of completing the job, if they weren't so good at being lazy.
Many of us are searching for ways to be lazier. I hope these strategies help you to eliminate any extra impulse you have to get anything done.
Yet some lazy people find themselves with extra time in the day to get stuff done, even after napping, talking, caffinating, bitching, yawning, urinating and eating.
Many amateur lazy people are actually faced with huge tasks on a daily basis, like putting their pants on.
Try these 10 tips from the experts at laziness so you too can stop accomplishing things.
1. They never touch things: Lazy people will look at a project, start sweating and hyperventilating at the enormity of it, and put it off for a better time, like on their 121st birthday. They lock the project in a file cabinet drawer and ignore the project's screams and pleas to GET IT DONE.
2. They ignore tomorrow: These people will ignore tomorrow until sometime next month. They end the current day depressed and are never really convinced that tomorrow will actually come. A truly lazy person's calendar is very confusing.
3. They hate eating frogs: Productive people eat frogs, or, do the least appetizing chore first. Lazy people hate frogs legs, even in a nice garlic butter sauce. They look for the most rewarding activity of the day first, like applying duct tape to the snooze button.
4. They submit to the tyranny of the urgent: "Lazies" hate important things, or the "big picture". They focus on immediate urges that get in the way of productivity, like eating a cruller, gossiping or massaging the back of their knees.
5. They deviate from all schedules: Forget about schedules with these people. They will fuck you up, especially in meetings. They take notes on their thighs because it distracts everyone and slows things down.
6. They say yes: These people don't really want to do anything, but will say yes to everything. That's because they want you to like them, and they have lots of room in the cabinet to lock that task up.
7. They check emails all day: Even the spam. They build up all kinds of email attachments. Very dependent, insecure people.
8. They multitask: Focussing on one thing means it might get done. Lazies don't risk that. Then they'll have to start something else. It all snowballs and soon they are actually working and have a life. Multitasking is the ticket to failure, and avoiding work.
9. They stay on the grid: There's nothing like watching a good episode of Naked and Afraid while running around the house turning on anything electrical. If they didn't tune in, a lot of naked people would be unemployed.
10. They hate delegating: Lazies don't accept that you might be smart enough to help them. They are perfectly capable of completing the job, if they weren't so good at being lazy.
Many of us are searching for ways to be lazier. I hope these strategies help you to eliminate any extra impulse you have to get anything done.
Sunday, 20 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: A Less Than Interstellar Performance
Helloooo Newman: A Less Than Interstellar Performance: I watched the movie Interstellar last night. It's about a band of astronauts poking through a wormhole seeking a new planet to colonize...
A Less Than Interstellar Performance
I watched the movie Interstellar last night. It's about a band of astronauts poking through a wormhole seeking a new planet to colonize.
I'm a big fan of Sci-fi, mostly because I wish aliens would take me to another planet where I can be more of a success than I am here – I'm thinking a planet of very slowly developing arthropods that I can rule over with my above average I.Q.
I like some of Matthew McConaughey's past performances. Hell, I'm often mistaken for him by women on the street, especially when the wind from a subway tunnel grate blows my shirt off. Still, it seems like more and more of his acting is preceded by a pitcher of Tom Collins laced with Nyquil.
One of the themes of this movie bothered me. It suggested that the one feature of human behaviour that would save the species is the emotion love.
I completely disagree. The biggest problem humans have is emotions. They are everywhere all the time and it really pisses me off. Emotionally speaking.
Think of the last time you had an argument with someone. It was 95% emotion, wasn't it? I'm convinced the more humans argue over things, the more we keep arguing just to "feel" like we won the argument.
I don't think we're getting anywhere with emotions around. They cloud and obfuscate.
Take my dating life. Nothing but emotion. And a complete failure.
On one of my first dates ever, a very cute girl said to me, "Paul, there's something I need to get off my chest."
Silly me. I thought it was her bra. Finally, I get to play titty-winks.
She said I need to stop pretending she's my girlfriend.
"What? I don't believe you. I'd like to speak to your chest directly, please. I want to hear what it has to say about all this."
My right cheek is still slightly swollen to this day.
God, give me a wormhole to crawl through.
I'm a big fan of Sci-fi, mostly because I wish aliens would take me to another planet where I can be more of a success than I am here – I'm thinking a planet of very slowly developing arthropods that I can rule over with my above average I.Q.
I like some of Matthew McConaughey's past performances. Hell, I'm often mistaken for him by women on the street, especially when the wind from a subway tunnel grate blows my shirt off. Still, it seems like more and more of his acting is preceded by a pitcher of Tom Collins laced with Nyquil.
One of the themes of this movie bothered me. It suggested that the one feature of human behaviour that would save the species is the emotion love.
I completely disagree. The biggest problem humans have is emotions. They are everywhere all the time and it really pisses me off. Emotionally speaking.
Think of the last time you had an argument with someone. It was 95% emotion, wasn't it? I'm convinced the more humans argue over things, the more we keep arguing just to "feel" like we won the argument.
I don't think we're getting anywhere with emotions around. They cloud and obfuscate.
Take my dating life. Nothing but emotion. And a complete failure.
On one of my first dates ever, a very cute girl said to me, "Paul, there's something I need to get off my chest."
Silly me. I thought it was her bra. Finally, I get to play titty-winks.
She said I need to stop pretending she's my girlfriend.
"What? I don't believe you. I'd like to speak to your chest directly, please. I want to hear what it has to say about all this."
My right cheek is still slightly swollen to this day.
God, give me a wormhole to crawl through.
Helloooo Newman: Gaining Wait
Helloooo Newman: Gaining Wait: Wait times are going up and up in this world. It's an international crisis, all this wait people are putting on. Where is the U.N. o...
Gaining Wait
Wait times are going up and up in this world.
It's an international crisis, all this wait people are putting on.
Where is the U.N. on this issue? We're still waiting. But these are "waity" issues!
MRIs, that first call from a potential girlfriend, getting your "no smiling" passport photo, end-of-the-world scenarios, all taking longer than ever.
The other day I read Waiting for Godot again. I haven't looked at it since high school. I swear all the characters were waiting much longer for this Godot fella then when I read it so long ago.
What's the key word in Godot? GO, obviously. So where the hell is he? I think he's already gone. Gonedot.
These end-of-the-world cults keep delaying things. I had all my affairs in order for the last deadline, and then they just go and cancel it. No apology. DISAPPOINTED. I can't stand being made to wait like that. Next time I think I'll have to help things along by creating a world incident that triggers a nuclear war. I've had it with delay, delay, delay.
Did you know that in the U.S. the average wait time to be executed on death row is now 21 years. That's up 11 years since the 50s. Scandalous!
To "execute" means to "carry out, accomplish." Not on death row. Wait times for MRIs or crucial surgeries pale in comparison to the "broken" institution of capital punishment.
You know what takes so long? All this fuss about how to execute someone. Make their last meal a KFC Double Down. Problem solved.
The next time a doctor is reassembling your hemispheres to save you life, be thankful you're not a mass murderer, waiting so long for what the government promised you.
Speaking of doctors, people are living longer than ever. That means an even longer wait to die. How depressing.
And the most important wait time of all? JESUS. Up and up it goes.
Theories abound as to why it's taking him so long.
Stuck in traffic near the Big Dipper. He and God are arguing over what to wear. He can't show up in the same clothes. That's just gross. Plus he should coordinate with the season of his arrival. Will pastels be trendy? If he wears white after Labour Day, I'm gonna puke.
Clearly, when Jesus took off after the resurrection, someone should have had him fill out an appointment card. Your next app't is ??????? Pick a time, dude.
Then when he shows up late, we can do what my dentists did to me. Embarrassed me in front of all the other patients, charged me for the app't and forgot the anesthetic on my next root canal.
I think it's been so long that Jesus has developed a fear of public speaking. People fear public speaking more than death. Wait a minute. Jesus has already been dead. That's a good introduction to speaking in front of 7 billion people.
Maybe he doesn't know what to say. Maybe he needs a good speech writer.
Ya, well I'm busy. Wait your turn.
It's an international crisis, all this wait people are putting on.
Where is the U.N. on this issue? We're still waiting. But these are "waity" issues!
MRIs, that first call from a potential girlfriend, getting your "no smiling" passport photo, end-of-the-world scenarios, all taking longer than ever.
The other day I read Waiting for Godot again. I haven't looked at it since high school. I swear all the characters were waiting much longer for this Godot fella then when I read it so long ago.
What's the key word in Godot? GO, obviously. So where the hell is he? I think he's already gone. Gonedot.
These end-of-the-world cults keep delaying things. I had all my affairs in order for the last deadline, and then they just go and cancel it. No apology. DISAPPOINTED. I can't stand being made to wait like that. Next time I think I'll have to help things along by creating a world incident that triggers a nuclear war. I've had it with delay, delay, delay.
Did you know that in the U.S. the average wait time to be executed on death row is now 21 years. That's up 11 years since the 50s. Scandalous!
To "execute" means to "carry out, accomplish." Not on death row. Wait times for MRIs or crucial surgeries pale in comparison to the "broken" institution of capital punishment.
You know what takes so long? All this fuss about how to execute someone. Make their last meal a KFC Double Down. Problem solved.
The next time a doctor is reassembling your hemispheres to save you life, be thankful you're not a mass murderer, waiting so long for what the government promised you.
Speaking of doctors, people are living longer than ever. That means an even longer wait to die. How depressing.
And the most important wait time of all? JESUS. Up and up it goes.
Theories abound as to why it's taking him so long.
Stuck in traffic near the Big Dipper. He and God are arguing over what to wear. He can't show up in the same clothes. That's just gross. Plus he should coordinate with the season of his arrival. Will pastels be trendy? If he wears white after Labour Day, I'm gonna puke.
Clearly, when Jesus took off after the resurrection, someone should have had him fill out an appointment card. Your next app't is ??????? Pick a time, dude.
Then when he shows up late, we can do what my dentists did to me. Embarrassed me in front of all the other patients, charged me for the app't and forgot the anesthetic on my next root canal.
I think it's been so long that Jesus has developed a fear of public speaking. People fear public speaking more than death. Wait a minute. Jesus has already been dead. That's a good introduction to speaking in front of 7 billion people.
Maybe he doesn't know what to say. Maybe he needs a good speech writer.
Ya, well I'm busy. Wait your turn.
Friday, 18 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: The Matryoshka Sleep
Helloooo Newman: The Matryoshka Sleep: The Dalai Lama once said, "Sleep is the best meditation." I got this tidbit from the internet, so I have no idea if he actually ...
The Matryoshka Sleep
The Dalai Lama once said, "Sleep is the best meditation."
I got this tidbit from the internet, so I have no idea if he actually said it. But I'm saying it, so you can quote me if you like.
The best thing about sleep is you don't have to think while it's going on. Even in traditional meditation, you have to think. You have to think about not thinking, which is really annoying. Meditation is one big struggle to convince yourself, OKAY, I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. NOPE, I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT BIG BOOBIES AT THIS MOMENT. THAT IMAGE THAT JUST FLASHED BY IN MY MIND WAS NOT A NICE PAIR OF LEGS AROUND MY WAIST. I'M AS CLEAR AND CALM AS HELL.
With meditation, you're lying to yourself, and I'm a guy who deals in truth.
Dreaming is not thinking. Dreaming is like being entranced by a great movie, and in my case they are mostly porn movies. The great thing is this is not my fault. I didn't click "porn dreams" among a choice of dreams on a big dream screen list that pops up in my head. First of all, they are way too expensive. And my wife will see the bill.
These dreams were chosen for me. By some really nice dream theatre owner.
Is it possible to nap while you sleep? This is what I'm studying these days.
Like the Russian dolls, one nested in another. A nap, nested in a dream, nested in another nap, and so on…
This can get confusing. What if I wake up from sleep #7, but nap #6 and #4 are still going on? I think some days I wake up from all my sleeps but there are still several naps going on in the background. Like apps that are running behind everything else.
That explains a lot.
I'm not getting old.
I'm napping.
I got this tidbit from the internet, so I have no idea if he actually said it. But I'm saying it, so you can quote me if you like.
The best thing about sleep is you don't have to think while it's going on. Even in traditional meditation, you have to think. You have to think about not thinking, which is really annoying. Meditation is one big struggle to convince yourself, OKAY, I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. NOPE, I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT BIG BOOBIES AT THIS MOMENT. THAT IMAGE THAT JUST FLASHED BY IN MY MIND WAS NOT A NICE PAIR OF LEGS AROUND MY WAIST. I'M AS CLEAR AND CALM AS HELL.
With meditation, you're lying to yourself, and I'm a guy who deals in truth.
Dreaming is not thinking. Dreaming is like being entranced by a great movie, and in my case they are mostly porn movies. The great thing is this is not my fault. I didn't click "porn dreams" among a choice of dreams on a big dream screen list that pops up in my head. First of all, they are way too expensive. And my wife will see the bill.
These dreams were chosen for me. By some really nice dream theatre owner.
Is it possible to nap while you sleep? This is what I'm studying these days.
Like the Russian dolls, one nested in another. A nap, nested in a dream, nested in another nap, and so on…
This can get confusing. What if I wake up from sleep #7, but nap #6 and #4 are still going on? I think some days I wake up from all my sleeps but there are still several naps going on in the background. Like apps that are running behind everything else.
That explains a lot.
I'm not getting old.
I'm napping.
Monday, 14 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: The Woman Who Shouldn't be There
Helloooo Newman: The Woman Who Shouldn't be There: I sincerely hope you've never heard of Kim Davis, which could possibly negate the usefulness of this article. Kim Davis is the Kentuck...
The Woman Who Shouldn't be There
I sincerely hope you've never heard of Kim Davis, which could possibly negate the usefulness of this article.
Kim Davis is the Kentucky clerk who refuses to authorize marriage licences to gay couples, even though SCOTUS said it is the law of the land. State law requires her signature to make a marriage legal.
The whole thing is supremely ironic – lots of people are getting to know her, and she keeps dropping the names God and Jesus into the conversation.
Problem is, God has never heard of Kim Davis.
We at Helloooo Newman interviewed God on the weekend and He was flummoxed over the entire controversy.
God: Sorry, who are we talking about?
Newman: Kim Davis. County clerk. Kentucky.
God: Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. Which planet is this?
Newman: Earth.
God: Oh, earth. You guys are still waiting for the second coming, right? Damn, you guys are on the list. You know, everyone is so busy these days. So what seems to be the problem?
Newman: Mrs. Davis won't do her job and authorize gay marriage licences. She says she's following your law, not Man's law.
God: Hmmm, a trouble maker, eh? I've had a few of those. Fired their asses.
Newman: That's what we here at Helloooo Newman would do. But then you get lawyers involved, and no one wants to bring Satan into this.
God: You guys follow the Bible, right? Ya, I don't blame you for the confusion. I never really finished that the way I wanted to. The universe was expanding faster than I thought possible so I had to rush publication. Came out kinda James Joycian.
Newman: Ya, lots of confusion on our end.
God: Well, just so you know, I never gave this, what is it, Ms. Slayvis? I never gave her instructions to embarrass the human race.
Newman: Davis, but close enough. Any instructions?
God: Sorry, can you hold for a second?
(Who Are You? by The Who plays over the speaker)
God: Sorry. Damn Martians. Want to be closer to the sun. That's not easy, you know.
Newman: There are Martians?
God: Oh ya. They always hide when you humans come poking around. Something about foreign viruses.
Newman: Any advice for me, God?
God: Best thing to do Newman is keep the blog going and bring truth to the people. It's the only way.
Newman: Thanks, buddy. I'm on it.
"Who the fuck are you?"
Pete Townshend
— and God
Kim Davis is the Kentucky clerk who refuses to authorize marriage licences to gay couples, even though SCOTUS said it is the law of the land. State law requires her signature to make a marriage legal.
The whole thing is supremely ironic – lots of people are getting to know her, and she keeps dropping the names God and Jesus into the conversation.
Problem is, God has never heard of Kim Davis.
We at Helloooo Newman interviewed God on the weekend and He was flummoxed over the entire controversy.
God: Sorry, who are we talking about?
Newman: Kim Davis. County clerk. Kentucky.
God: Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. Which planet is this?
Newman: Earth.
God: Oh, earth. You guys are still waiting for the second coming, right? Damn, you guys are on the list. You know, everyone is so busy these days. So what seems to be the problem?
Newman: Mrs. Davis won't do her job and authorize gay marriage licences. She says she's following your law, not Man's law.
God: Hmmm, a trouble maker, eh? I've had a few of those. Fired their asses.
Newman: That's what we here at Helloooo Newman would do. But then you get lawyers involved, and no one wants to bring Satan into this.
God: You guys follow the Bible, right? Ya, I don't blame you for the confusion. I never really finished that the way I wanted to. The universe was expanding faster than I thought possible so I had to rush publication. Came out kinda James Joycian.
Newman: Ya, lots of confusion on our end.
God: Well, just so you know, I never gave this, what is it, Ms. Slayvis? I never gave her instructions to embarrass the human race.
Newman: Davis, but close enough. Any instructions?
God: Sorry, can you hold for a second?
(Who Are You? by The Who plays over the speaker)
God: Sorry. Damn Martians. Want to be closer to the sun. That's not easy, you know.
Newman: There are Martians?
God: Oh ya. They always hide when you humans come poking around. Something about foreign viruses.
Newman: Any advice for me, God?
God: Best thing to do Newman is keep the blog going and bring truth to the people. It's the only way.
Newman: Thanks, buddy. I'm on it.
"Who the fuck are you?"
Pete Townshend
— and God
Thursday, 10 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: Georgina
Helloooo Newman: Georgina: English is a confusing language. One thing you should never do is apply logic to the English language. Especially when it comes to pronunc...
Georgina
English is a confusing language.
One thing you should never do is apply logic to the English language. Especially when it comes to pronunciation.
On my way to the cottage, I pass through a town call Georgina (phonetically, jorjeena).
In one of my pensive moments, when all my great thinking is accomplished, I realized this should be the wrong way to say the name. Why don't we say Georgina (jorjyna)?
We have the vagina, one can suffer from angina, and one can live in Regina. Just when I think that is settled, I realize people live in Argentina (teena, not tyna).
Confusion sets in.
While we're on body parts, consider this: the pen is out of ink.
The bold part is easy to pronounce…(pen) (iz).
Now put those two words together. Why the sudden change?
Penis (Peenis).
But we don't say tennis (teennis). Yet one can have a big tennis game, like Serena Williams, and a big penis, like, um… Makes no sense, right?
Consider the name Geiger (G-eye-ger), as in the Geiger counter.
The Geiger counter is used to warn you of dangerous elements, like Justin Bieber's music.
Hey, suddenly we switch the "ei" and we have (Beeber). I prefer (B-eye-ber) because only heavy imbibers of vodka will survive the assault of his music.
I've read that Justin's pen is very small, and very likely out of ink.
Did I just put my foot in my mouth or am I a loon?
So confusing.
One thing you should never do is apply logic to the English language. Especially when it comes to pronunciation.
On my way to the cottage, I pass through a town call Georgina (phonetically, jorjeena).
In one of my pensive moments, when all my great thinking is accomplished, I realized this should be the wrong way to say the name. Why don't we say Georgina (jorjyna)?
We have the vagina, one can suffer from angina, and one can live in Regina. Just when I think that is settled, I realize people live in Argentina (teena, not tyna).
Confusion sets in.
While we're on body parts, consider this: the pen is out of ink.
The bold part is easy to pronounce…(pen) (iz).
Now put those two words together. Why the sudden change?
Penis (Peenis).
But we don't say tennis (teennis). Yet one can have a big tennis game, like Serena Williams, and a big penis, like, um… Makes no sense, right?
Consider the name Geiger (G-eye-ger), as in the Geiger counter.
The Geiger counter is used to warn you of dangerous elements, like Justin Bieber's music.
Hey, suddenly we switch the "ei" and we have (Beeber). I prefer (B-eye-ber) because only heavy imbibers of vodka will survive the assault of his music.
I've read that Justin's pen is very small, and very likely out of ink.
Did I just put my foot in my mouth or am I a loon?
So confusing.
Helloooo Newman: Practice Makes Perfect?
Helloooo Newman: Practice Makes Perfect?: I use to be a practicing catholic, as a kid. Now I'm just a practicing human being. The hours are much better. I can be a human being ...
Practice Makes Perfect?
I use to be a practicing catholic, as a kid.
Now I'm just a practicing human being. The hours are much better. I can be a human being anytime I want, but especially on Sunday morning I can be a human being while sleeping.
Church on Sunday morning? Isn't that the 7th day God took off when He created this whole mess? He gets to sleep in. Why can't I? Besides, does He want to hear my problems on His day off?
I don't think God mixes business with sleeping in.
Sunday seems like the worst day to be confessing sins. Sunday is bacon day at my house.
I bet God gets distracted by the smell of bacon anyway.
God: Yes, yes, as the woman walked by you touched yourself…wait a minute, is that bacon I smell? Butcher's bacon, eh? Banana pancakes too? What were we taking about? Never mind, you're forgiven. How about two strips for me?
I think people should rush to iHop on Sunday, not church. God understands.
iHop? I didn't know Apple use to be in the pancake business.
Sunday is the last day I want water turned into wine, after filling my gullet like a pelican with booze all day Saturday and suffering a cranial earthquake Sunday morning. I want water turned into Oxycontin. And will you tell that choir to shut up.
Sunday is also the last day that I want to put on a suit. There are no days, actually, but Sunday makes the least sense. Why do men wear suits to church? So many drawings I see of Jesus make Him look like a drifter.
Actually, it's pretty hard to get an idea of what Jesus looked like. The drawings vary from the Charles Manson look to pretty boy Jared Leto.
I find those kinds of Jesus' creepy. I want my Jesus to be friendly looking and approachable. Like the Trivago guy. He'd make an awesome Jesus, especially since he can check a thousand websites and get me a good deal on a room at the Inn. I need a room that takes donkeys, please.
Rushing around to church just doesn't fit with the idea of Sunday. That's why we have the Sunday driver, the slow, take it easy kind of driver. Would Jesus be a Sunday driver? Maybe not. With Roman soldiers trying to nail me to a cross, I think I'd give the car a little extra gas.
No to Sunday church. Church should be on Monday. Might as well put all the things you hate doing on the day that everyone hates.
As a practicing human being, I don't live and breath the Bible anymore. I live and breath living and breathing. My body is still a temple, but with extended drinking hours.
The gist of all this is I try and be a good person. But I still find the best part of me comes out when I'm sleeping. I'm easy to get along with, a good listener, and get all my chores done.
In answer to the title of this article, practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes being a human being.
I'm no angel, but I still practice.
Now I'm just a practicing human being. The hours are much better. I can be a human being anytime I want, but especially on Sunday morning I can be a human being while sleeping.
Church on Sunday morning? Isn't that the 7th day God took off when He created this whole mess? He gets to sleep in. Why can't I? Besides, does He want to hear my problems on His day off?
I don't think God mixes business with sleeping in.
Sunday seems like the worst day to be confessing sins. Sunday is bacon day at my house.
I bet God gets distracted by the smell of bacon anyway.
God: Yes, yes, as the woman walked by you touched yourself…wait a minute, is that bacon I smell? Butcher's bacon, eh? Banana pancakes too? What were we taking about? Never mind, you're forgiven. How about two strips for me?
I think people should rush to iHop on Sunday, not church. God understands.
iHop? I didn't know Apple use to be in the pancake business.
Sunday is the last day I want water turned into wine, after filling my gullet like a pelican with booze all day Saturday and suffering a cranial earthquake Sunday morning. I want water turned into Oxycontin. And will you tell that choir to shut up.
Sunday is also the last day that I want to put on a suit. There are no days, actually, but Sunday makes the least sense. Why do men wear suits to church? So many drawings I see of Jesus make Him look like a drifter.
Actually, it's pretty hard to get an idea of what Jesus looked like. The drawings vary from the Charles Manson look to pretty boy Jared Leto.
I find those kinds of Jesus' creepy. I want my Jesus to be friendly looking and approachable. Like the Trivago guy. He'd make an awesome Jesus, especially since he can check a thousand websites and get me a good deal on a room at the Inn. I need a room that takes donkeys, please.
Rushing around to church just doesn't fit with the idea of Sunday. That's why we have the Sunday driver, the slow, take it easy kind of driver. Would Jesus be a Sunday driver? Maybe not. With Roman soldiers trying to nail me to a cross, I think I'd give the car a little extra gas.
No to Sunday church. Church should be on Monday. Might as well put all the things you hate doing on the day that everyone hates.
As a practicing human being, I don't live and breath the Bible anymore. I live and breath living and breathing. My body is still a temple, but with extended drinking hours.
The gist of all this is I try and be a good person. But I still find the best part of me comes out when I'm sleeping. I'm easy to get along with, a good listener, and get all my chores done.
In answer to the title of this article, practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes being a human being.
I'm no angel, but I still practice.
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: DIE Projects
Helloooo Newman: DIE Projects: I'm not much of a DIY guy. Do-It-Yourself – sounds like something my mom would scream at me when I was pealing from my body the last p...
DIE Projects
I'm not much of a DIY guy.
Do-It-Yourself – sounds like something my mom would scream at me when I was pealing from my body the last pair of clean underwear.
"Ma, I need more clean underwear."
"Sorry dear, I'm masturbating to Phil Donahue. Do it yourself."
In today's society, we acronymize it and produce a slew of t.v. shows trying to convince us we can actually build that deck or repair that feces-clogged plumbing.
DIYers are motivated, have the right tools, look forward to a challenge. I'm more interested in the Y. Y am I doing this?
I can't. Build. Repair. Many of you knew this already. A "do-it-yourselfer" does not live with his mommy until he's 29.
I'm more of a DIE guy – Do-It-Eventually.
This project will definitely get done. Eventually. Before I die.
This is not as bad as it sounds. Lots of historical projects fit into the DIE category.
The Egyptian pyramids. Do you think the Pharaoh asked the architect, "So, what are we looking at, like, one or two weeks, right?"
"You kiddin' me?", answered the foreman. "You try cheering up 200,000 slaves. The workers are asking for one meal a week and I'm like, come on guys, I can't deal with ridiculous demands like that."
"Now, now, don't get your sphinxter in a knot. Just work them harder", says the Pharaoh.
"Dude, these are not Lego blocks we're dealing with. 10,000 pound boulders moved by blood and sweat, hundred's of miles through sand, 130 degrees out, glass of water and a bowl of dirt. All to house your lame, dead carcass. Hard to build a motivational program around that kind of scenario, ya know?"
And was it all worth it? I don't think so. 4000 years later and they're already falling apart. Shabby stuff.
I like to think that as a kid I was much more of a DIYer. I use to assemble little bombs out of lady finger firecrackers. I'd build forts with my parent's furniture. I'd build up the nerve to attack giant hornet nests.
Those are all kind of DIYish, aren't they?
Then there is the most failed DIY project of them all – the universe.
The problem with our universe is God had nothing to go on. No pre-existing universe he could steal ideas from. No peeking into a parallel universe – Hey, now that's a sexy galaxy. Whoa, free energy? That's cool.
Would that be plagiarism? If God borrowed from another universe? Is there a tiny footnote somewhere in the universe thanking other God-like creators? Maybe that's what Pluto is.
The universe takes up way too much room. It takes too long to get around. The galaxies closest to us are 5 trillion miles away and scientists call them the "Local Group". Really? Can I drive there and get milk?
Pretty soon we'll need a new planet, and the next available one is just around the corner and 3 trillion miles straight ahead. Jesus, how many little bags of peanuts will we need for that trip?
I'm not sure I like this open concept universe either. I want some privacy. The universe needs more walls and fences. Hey, Mr. Alien, the door is closed. Stop going to the bathroom on my planet.
There are just so many things to do…eventually.
Do-It-Yourself – sounds like something my mom would scream at me when I was pealing from my body the last pair of clean underwear.
"Ma, I need more clean underwear."
"Sorry dear, I'm masturbating to Phil Donahue. Do it yourself."
In today's society, we acronymize it and produce a slew of t.v. shows trying to convince us we can actually build that deck or repair that feces-clogged plumbing.
DIYers are motivated, have the right tools, look forward to a challenge. I'm more interested in the Y. Y am I doing this?
I can't. Build. Repair. Many of you knew this already. A "do-it-yourselfer" does not live with his mommy until he's 29.
I'm more of a DIE guy – Do-It-Eventually.
This project will definitely get done. Eventually. Before I die.
This is not as bad as it sounds. Lots of historical projects fit into the DIE category.
The Egyptian pyramids. Do you think the Pharaoh asked the architect, "So, what are we looking at, like, one or two weeks, right?"
"You kiddin' me?", answered the foreman. "You try cheering up 200,000 slaves. The workers are asking for one meal a week and I'm like, come on guys, I can't deal with ridiculous demands like that."
"Now, now, don't get your sphinxter in a knot. Just work them harder", says the Pharaoh.
"Dude, these are not Lego blocks we're dealing with. 10,000 pound boulders moved by blood and sweat, hundred's of miles through sand, 130 degrees out, glass of water and a bowl of dirt. All to house your lame, dead carcass. Hard to build a motivational program around that kind of scenario, ya know?"
And was it all worth it? I don't think so. 4000 years later and they're already falling apart. Shabby stuff.
I like to think that as a kid I was much more of a DIYer. I use to assemble little bombs out of lady finger firecrackers. I'd build forts with my parent's furniture. I'd build up the nerve to attack giant hornet nests.
Those are all kind of DIYish, aren't they?
Then there is the most failed DIY project of them all – the universe.
The problem with our universe is God had nothing to go on. No pre-existing universe he could steal ideas from. No peeking into a parallel universe – Hey, now that's a sexy galaxy. Whoa, free energy? That's cool.
Would that be plagiarism? If God borrowed from another universe? Is there a tiny footnote somewhere in the universe thanking other God-like creators? Maybe that's what Pluto is.
The universe takes up way too much room. It takes too long to get around. The galaxies closest to us are 5 trillion miles away and scientists call them the "Local Group". Really? Can I drive there and get milk?
Pretty soon we'll need a new planet, and the next available one is just around the corner and 3 trillion miles straight ahead. Jesus, how many little bags of peanuts will we need for that trip?
I'm not sure I like this open concept universe either. I want some privacy. The universe needs more walls and fences. Hey, Mr. Alien, the door is closed. Stop going to the bathroom on my planet.
There are just so many things to do…eventually.
Thursday, 3 September 2015
Helloooo Newman: Youtube Killed the Blog Star
Helloooo Newman: Youtube Killed the Blog Star: Ladies and gentlemen. We at Helloooo Newman have a very exciting announcement to make. Finally, the media spotlight can be taken off For...
Youtube Killed the Blog Star
Ladies and gentlemen.
We at Helloooo Newman have a very exciting announcement to make.
Finally, the media spotlight can be taken off Forrest Trump, the I-ran from a decent nuclear deal, and Vladimir Punytin's shirtless foreign policy.
Time for the world to celebrate.
Helloooo Newman will be starting a Youtube series – Newman's Vlog
Now, now. Calm down. I know you're just getting off the high of Game of Thrones. You've had enough of sex and violence for one lifetime, right?
Well, we can offer you some violence – you will violently laugh! You will claw your way to the computer for the next hilarious episode.
Negotiations are in their final stages with the production company – WTF, a little-known transgender company of HBO.
The people at WTF have been wonderful. The terms of the contract were very easy to negotiate. Make it funny, or we will murder you and the entire cast.
How's that for making a deal? I think WTF is running for president.
Newman's Vlog will be entirely crowd-funded, with funds comprising dog food. To contribute some dog treats, please contact me privately. If you want to throw in a beer or two, I won't complain.
The first script is in the works and will appear before xmas.
Please don't worry. The same quality blog articles that keep you up at night laughing will still be coming. But now you can also watch Newman.
And the best part? – no reading!
Stay tuned.
"…and those wonderful people out there in the dark. Alright, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my closeup."
We at Helloooo Newman have a very exciting announcement to make.
Finally, the media spotlight can be taken off Forrest Trump, the I-ran from a decent nuclear deal, and Vladimir Punytin's shirtless foreign policy.
Time for the world to celebrate.
Helloooo Newman will be starting a Youtube series – Newman's Vlog
Now, now. Calm down. I know you're just getting off the high of Game of Thrones. You've had enough of sex and violence for one lifetime, right?
Well, we can offer you some violence – you will violently laugh! You will claw your way to the computer for the next hilarious episode.
Negotiations are in their final stages with the production company – WTF, a little-known transgender company of HBO.
The people at WTF have been wonderful. The terms of the contract were very easy to negotiate. Make it funny, or we will murder you and the entire cast.
How's that for making a deal? I think WTF is running for president.
Newman's Vlog will be entirely crowd-funded, with funds comprising dog food. To contribute some dog treats, please contact me privately. If you want to throw in a beer or two, I won't complain.
The first script is in the works and will appear before xmas.
Please don't worry. The same quality blog articles that keep you up at night laughing will still be coming. But now you can also watch Newman.
And the best part? – no reading!
Stay tuned.
"…and those wonderful people out there in the dark. Alright, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my closeup."
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