Do-It-Yourself – sounds like something my mom would scream at me when I was pealing from my body the last pair of clean underwear.
"Ma, I need more clean underwear."
"Sorry dear, I'm masturbating to Phil Donahue. Do it yourself."
In today's society, we acronymize it and produce a slew of t.v. shows trying to convince us we can actually build that deck or repair that feces-clogged plumbing.
DIYers are motivated, have the right tools, look forward to a challenge. I'm more interested in the Y. Y am I doing this?
I can't. Build. Repair. Many of you knew this already. A "do-it-yourselfer" does not live with his mommy until he's 29.
I'm more of a DIE guy – Do-It-Eventually.
This project will definitely get done. Eventually. Before I die.
This is not as bad as it sounds. Lots of historical projects fit into the DIE category.
The Egyptian pyramids. Do you think the Pharaoh asked the architect, "So, what are we looking at, like, one or two weeks, right?"
"You kiddin' me?", answered the foreman. "You try cheering up 200,000 slaves. The workers are asking for one meal a week and I'm like, come on guys, I can't deal with ridiculous demands like that."
"Now, now, don't get your sphinxter in a knot. Just work them harder", says the Pharaoh.
"Dude, these are not Lego blocks we're dealing with. 10,000 pound boulders moved by blood and sweat, hundred's of miles through sand, 130 degrees out, glass of water and a bowl of dirt. All to house your lame, dead carcass. Hard to build a motivational program around that kind of scenario, ya know?"
And was it all worth it? I don't think so. 4000 years later and they're already falling apart. Shabby stuff.
I like to think that as a kid I was much more of a DIYer. I use to assemble little bombs out of lady finger firecrackers. I'd build forts with my parent's furniture. I'd build up the nerve to attack giant hornet nests.
Those are all kind of DIYish, aren't they?
Then there is the most failed DIY project of them all – the universe.
The problem with our universe is God had nothing to go on. No pre-existing universe he could steal ideas from. No peeking into a parallel universe – Hey, now that's a sexy galaxy. Whoa, free energy? That's cool.
Would that be plagiarism? If God borrowed from another universe? Is there a tiny footnote somewhere in the universe thanking other God-like creators? Maybe that's what Pluto is.
The universe takes up way too much room. It takes too long to get around. The galaxies closest to us are 5 trillion miles away and scientists call them the "Local Group". Really? Can I drive there and get milk?
Pretty soon we'll need a new planet, and the next available one is just around the corner and 3 trillion miles straight ahead. Jesus, how many little bags of peanuts will we need for that trip?
I'm not sure I like this open concept universe either. I want some privacy. The universe needs more walls and fences. Hey, Mr. Alien, the door is closed. Stop going to the bathroom on my planet.
There are just so many things to do…eventually.
