I Hat Piano

There's an old music teacher's proverb that goes like this: dying is easy, teaching kids piano is hard.

Actually, it's a new proverb because I just made it up, and actually stole part of it too.

Let's try another proverb. Those who can, do; Those who can't, teach; Those who can't teach, teach gym; And those can't teach gym, continually teach themselves that corporal punishment isn't allowed these days.

I really only have a few simple criteria that I think children should meet before they undergo piano lessons.

They should know their right hand from their left hand, and their ass from their elbow. And none of these body parts should be in their nose.

They should know how to spell. As I was explaining to one child the "concept" of middle c, like where it is located, I turned to him and saw him writing in his notebook.

That's cute, I thought. He's taking notes as I bring years of experience to my teaching moment.

"Can I see what you wrote?", I asked. He handed me the notebook. Chicken scratch, but I made it out. I hat piano, it said. Hmmm. He's expressing an opinion, but what does it mean?

My brain quickly rattled through all the words I know in the English language, how to spell things, various combinations of letters, the square root of pi etc.

I'm no dummy. This boy did very well, because there's only one letter missing. "E". Yes, at the end of hat. This cute boy wanted me to know he hates piano. I was very appreciative of his honesty and, I have to admit, a little raged that I wasted my limited breath on middle c.

I decided to make a game of it. "You want to wear a hat during piano?", I asked. Oh yes, I was teasing him big time. There's a price to be paid for not listening to the middle c lesson.

"NOOO", he chimed in with all the force of stampeding buffalo. But he would never actually say the words, "I hate piano". Very sensitive of him, if you ask me.

When I first had piano lessons, I could already spell, resist picking my nose in public and maybe even conjugate a couple of verbs.

Things have changed. Soon piano lessons will come with a free diaper change.