Man Boobs

Readers should be aware that I am a male. While I consider myself a male that has progressed out of the Cro Magnon stage, nature made me a male and that means I am, by genetics and social training, part pig.

The pig part of me has always wondered what it would be like to have breasts. Would I do anything other than play with them all day? I think not.

Well, in the last few days I almost had a chance to find out what it would be like to have man boobs. And I don't mean the man boobs developed by consuming too many chicken wings and beer.

The last few days I have had a continuous headache. I believe it is caused by issues I am having with M, who you can learn about in an earlier blog. I will speak no further on M.

But I will on the breasts. Breasts are a marvel of engineering. So simple in design and very easy to use. I'm pretty sure Steve Jobs (and his team) at Apple had a hand in designing the breast way back. It is just too sleek and user-friendly not to be so. I would like to have been one of those hands, let me tell you.

What a laugh if Bill Gates got to the breast first. Males today would be caressing something resembling an appendix and these "breasts" would take many minutes to expand just so you could use them. There would be all kinds of incomprehensible security features in the way of enjoying them and, of course, once you finally got going and "using" them they would crash.

Excellent Job(s), Steve.

Back to the headache, Mr. Pig. I have been trying all kinds of different types of pain killers to try and get back to my joyful self. Nothing worked permanently.

In the past I have found that the gel caps work nicely. You shouldn't confuse these with the gel PACKS that are used in breast enlargement work. The caps are way too small for that.

Alas, my search of the house turned up some caps. I consumed them at a dosage that would more suit a Haflinger horse.

They started to do the job so I continued in my consumption. Two hours ago I reached for a handful of caps when suddenly my wife asked me what I was up to? Did she find my porn collection? Do I have a porn collection? As if!

She was concerned because the gels caps I was ingesting were not aspirin. Oh no they weren't.

They were a medicinal pill to treat menopause. When I heard the word menopause, I paused.

I suddenly felt 6 pounds heavier on my chest. These hormone boosters were coursing through my veins on their way to my nipples. My headache returned. But I also felt a tad excited. Think of the possibilities.

At the nursery school where I play piano every day all the children call me Mrs. Hardie. Suddenly that would make sense.

I'm still watching and waiting. I guess I'm in a bit of a competition with my daughter.

I wonder who will win?