Dog Raising Mistakes 101

When a dog is very well behaved for a long period of time, it presents a real danger to the owner.

I know it sounds contradictory, but this is the time to be on your guard.

As usual, it has nothing to do with the dog, but with human psychology. Or at least my psychology, as warped a sample as it is.

Up until now, Newman has been quite well behaved. Especially in the one activity that all dogs seem to get off on doing, which is rolling in the grass. if it weren't for the missing gonads, I guess that might be a roll in the hay.

Newman looooves to roll in grass. And not once have I ever, ever had to worry that he would choose any other grass than clean, fresh, plump grass.

This goodness is quite deceiving. It led me to believe, fall for, the idea that Newman is a human being and thinks like one too. A good, reasonable human being, of which there may not be many, but he is one of them for sure.

Your dog in no way whatsoever thinks like you. Write this wisdom on your walls, mirrors and forehead. Buy the t-shirt. Brand it into the backside of your dog. Say it to yourself over and over again while listening to Deepak Chopra pull you into a meditative trance and pick your pocket.

Keep an eye on Deepak while you're doing this. I once saw him in an interview wearing what looked like a $10,000 sweater with silk and gold and diamonds. Unusual apparel for a guy who says we're all just pure consciousness and consciousness doesn't need "things" to be happy. My consciousness once tried shopping at Holt's and left very depressed.

Sorry for the bad news, but your dog does not think like you and doesn't relate to anything you do. He or she just tries to follow incomprehensible rules in hopes of being fed.

Today Newman rolled in the plump grass. The two words missing here are clean and fresh. He now smells like a combination of pig vomit, rotting potatoes, skunk urine, ammonia and nail polish remover. I've smelled all of these one at a time, but never in a combo like this. I called Febreze to see if they'd put him in one of their commercials but they'd have to hurry because I'm putting him in the dishwasher. They declined on creative grounds.

Newman is happy as a clam smelling like death turned inside out. Surprising, but I don't think like that.

Your dog in no way whatsoever thinks like you. You've been warned.