Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?: In a surprise move, the Australian Tennis Open has decided to make the tennis court the size of Novak Djokovic's ego, thus making the ga...

Tennis, Anyone?

In a surprise move, the Australian Tennis Open has decided to make the tennis court the size of Novak Djokovic's ego, rendering the game much easier to play. Children of all ages, including Novak, are invited to participate.

Whoever can knock the ball out of the continent-sized court, wins.

Helloooo Newman: Positively Negative

Helloooo Newman: Positively Negative: Someone told me today it's negative 20 outside and I told them to stop being so negative

Positively Negative

Someone told me today it's negative 20 outside and I told them to stop being so negative

Helloooo Newman: Statistics

Helloooo Newman: Statistics:  I don't believe in statistics because 9 out of 10 times they're wrong.

Statistics

 I don't believe in statistics because 9 out of 10 times they're wrong.

Helloooo Newman: Rapid Testes

Helloooo Newman: Rapid Testes: Of course after being told all through Christmas not to trust rapid tests and as an alternative, stop living, naturally the Canadian governm...

Rapid Testes

Of course after being told all through Christmas not to trust rapid tests and as an alternative, stop living, naturally the Canadian government distributes 140 million of them. And the best time to distribute them? After everyone gets Omicron.

Go ahead, grab your government by the rapid testes

Helloooo Newman: Fuck You Up 35

Helloooo Newman: Fuck You Up 35: I was so relieved to hear that Canada might buy the super-advanced, highly intelligent and very American F35 fighter plane (the F stands for...

Fuck You Up 35

I was so relieved to hear that Canada might buy the super-advanced, highly intelligent and very American F35 fighter plane (the F stands for Fuck you up). It's invisible to radar so they're having trouble finding it. The $100 million per plane is not invisible and when you look in your wallet, you'll see some money missing.

It will come in handy when Ontario calls in the army to fight the virus. Since the virus is everywhere, the precision guided missiles will have no trouble finding the enemy.

Was that Doug Ford's house?

Oops.

Helloooo Newman: Courting Disaster

Helloooo Newman: Courting Disaster: I'm on repeats of Court Cam. It's not good.

Courting Disaster

I'm on repeats of Court Cam. It's not good.

Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology

Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology: The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed an...

Universal Apology

The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed and Betty White will be reincarnated as Betty White…the baby.

Helloooo Newman: Resolution

Helloooo Newman: Resolution: Gonna take more time for myself next year. It's so important, self care is. Put my feet up, try and watch more of The Real Housewives of...

Resolution

Gonna take more time for myself next year. It's so important, self care is. Put my feet up, try and watch more of The Real Housewives of Dallas.

That kind of thing.

Good luck with whatever your exciting resolutions are.

Helloooo Newman: KFC

Helloooo Newman: KFC: No, I'm not having KFC tonight because I enjoy it. I read on the Internet that it kills Covid. K ill F ucking C ovid

KFC

No, I'm not having KFC tonight because I enjoy it. I read on the Internet that it kills Covid.

Kill Fucking Covid

Helloooo Newman: Fun with Killing

Helloooo Newman: Fun with Killing: Something of note about the human race is that we enjoy killing people more than helping them. Take video games. Most are about us killing p...

Fun with Killing

Something of note about the human race is that we enjoy killing people more than helping them.

Take video games. Most are about us killing people, or watching people being killed in various tragic ways. And it's point-of-view killing. You are the gun sight. As close to the killing as you can get, virtually.

Call of Duty: Black Ops is NOT about an operating room that saves people from myocardial infarction. 

It could just as easily have been the opposite, but it's not.

You can't buy Call of Duty: Family Doctor

Your mission: Billy has a high fever, the back of his knees hurt and he's hurling obscenities at his classmates.

What's wrong with Billy? Seasonal Tourettes flu? Is he just a bad seed?

We want to heal Billy, not double tap his family with a .338 Lapua Magnum.

I wonder if aliens are the same. Do they get away from it all with mass carnage of their own species? Do they relax and feel accomplished with a record 120 head shots? (if they have heads)

Maybe some day we'll meet them and find out. Compare games. If they're the same, we can start killing each other's species, virtually.

Call of Duty: Off World Homicide

Helloooo Newman: Still Learning After All These Years

Helloooo Newman: Still Learning After All These Years: It's reassuring that at my advanced age I can still learn new things. Yesterday I tried some Timbiebs and I learned the body can undergo...

Still Learning After All These Years

It's reassuring that at my advanced age I can still learn new things.

Yesterday I tried some Timbiebs and I learned the body can undergo a profoundly brutal and mysterious form a diarrhea and still survive.

Won't go into the details here. My medical records are online if you want to peruse them.

Think bullet train travelling through your colon covered in tacks (pointy ends out) and a mixture of blood sausage, sweet breads and chocolate milk as passengers on that train.

By the way, Timbiebs is copyrighted so don't try and steal the idea.

Helloooo Newman: A Christmas Like No Other

Helloooo Newman: A Christmas Like No Other: This year I'm going all out on my gifts.  Money is no object. In fact, I want to spend more. Up the Xmas value. Generosity plus. Impulsi...

A Christmas Like No Other

This year I'm going all out on my gifts. 

Money is no object. In fact, I want to spend more. Up the Xmas value. Generosity plus.

Impulsive, but life is short. Spread the cheer.

You guessed it. I'm getting everyone…groceries.

Loaf of bread. Breakfast cereal. Meat. Something precious.

There's gonna be a lot of happy people around me this Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Saved my Bacon

Helloooo Newman: Saved my Bacon: Boy, you really saved my bacon! Has that ever been done? Has anyone ever saved anyone's bacon in human history? It's never happened....

Saved my Bacon

Boy, you really saved my bacon!

Has that ever been done? Has anyone ever saved anyone's bacon in human history?

It's never happened.

If I make 10 slices of bacon, give you 3 and ask you to save the rest for sandwiches later, will you do it? Of course not. This is not a bird in your hand, and it doesn't matter that it's worth more than the bush.

This is bacon. The expiry date of bacon is NOW. Eat it before it goes bad.

Save a whale if you want. Save the forests. The planet.

No one saves bacon.

Helloooo Newman: Cryptocurrency

Helloooo Newman: Cryptocurrency: For about 1/64th of a second last Tuesday I understood what cryptocurrency is. Then it disappeared.

Cryptocurrency

For about 1/64th of a second last Tuesday I understood what cryptocurrency is. Then it disappeared.

Helloooo Newman: The Clapper

Helloooo Newman: The Clapper: Have you ever met anyone that actually owns the Clapper? Me neither. I'd love to install the Clapper in a big concert hall, like Radio C...

The Clapper

Have you ever met anyone that actually owns the Clapper?

Me neither.

I'd love to install the Clapper in a big concert hall, like Radio City Music Hall. End of the concert, awesome light show.

Helloooo Newman: Jobs I Want

Helloooo Newman: Jobs I Want: This is a news series available on Helloooo Newman only. I'll discuss high profile jobs that I want and could perform as well, or much b...

Jobs I Want

This is a news series available on Helloooo Newman only.

I'll discuss high profile jobs that I want and could perform as well, or much better than, the person who actually does the job.

This instalment: John Wick.

Canada's own Keanu Reeves plays an ex-assassin (John Wick, obviously) who keeps coming back for more fun and death.

In John Wick: Chapter Two, my favourite scene lasts about 4 minutes. Riveting as it is, Keanu's dialogue for the entire scene is:

"Yes"

Imagine being the dialogue coach.

Keanu: Line!!

Coach: Ah what? Oh, line. YES!

Keanu: Line? What's my line?

Coach: YES!

Keanu: No

Coach: No, it's YES!

Keanu: Yes or no? Which is it?

Coach: I'm taking the blue pill right now

Why do I think I could perform this scene better? Well, as Keanu says "YES", he tilts his head, but he tilts it the wrong way. Totally wrong way given the scene, what came before, the subtext and the number of people's heads that are blown off. I would do a swivel and a tilt to the left. But that's me. Different schools.

Plus I would change the character name.

Herbie Clawson. Much better ring to it.

Brinks

If you're a news junkie, then you believe that everything is on the brink of collapse.

With the pandemic still a thing, the health care system is, guess what? On the brink of collapse. I used the health care system a few weeks ago and it seemed fairly steady. Some paint coming off the walls but that's it. It definitely wasn't perfect, perfect being zero wait time, all the staff completely devoted to me, no one else in the hospital, free parking and several nurses flirting with me. Didn't collapse.

Speaking of nurses. Yup. Nurses are on the brink of collapse. So are teachers, waiters and waitresses, hairstylists, police, doctors (including eye), anyone with a job, really. And the jobless. On the brink.

Yesterday I read that the oceans are on the brink of collapse. Not life in the ocean, but the ocean itself. What does that mean? Will they no longer be water?

Forgot the media, who report all this brinkmanship. Brinking towards collapse.

Not accounting. You never hear of accountants being on the brink of collapse. Or lawyers. What are they doing right?

What about politicians. Don't you wish a lot of them would collapse?

How long can something be on the brink? Seems like a good question. When did the brink start, what was before it, when will it end, and what comes after it? Complete collapse, I assume. I have trouble thinking of something big like health care completely and utterly collapsing. That would mean millions of sick people wandering the streets because there are no hospitals, no doctors and nurses, no colonoscopies. Will the doctors give up their Mercedes that easily?

My last game of Jenga. That collapsed before my eyes. But I just rebuilt it.

The biggest thing on the brink of collapse is, obviously, Western civilization. Oh shit, and the climate too. Brink, brink, brink, brink brink, brink. Brink.

Guess what I heard yesterday. Brinks Security Company. On the brink.

Things are getting serious.

Helloooo Newman: Brinks

Helloooo Newman: Brinks: If you're a news junkie, then you believe that everything is on the brink of collapse. With the pandemic still a thing, the health care ...

Justin Time

 

Good grief, it's been a tough year and a half in Canada, hasn't it?

The list of woes is long – pandemic, inflation, rents on the rise again, crazy house prices, can't hire anyone, the wrath of climate change, glasses constantly fogging up. Our American friends are going through the same turmoil.

We thought the vaccine would bring swift relief and a return to normalcy. It kinda has, but not really, and we have to deal with mutations and mutant people who won't get vaccinated.

I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering if and when Canada can pull itself out of this stinking pit of despair.

Well, my friends, the great news to lift us all out of this doldrums-of-a-decade has finally arrived.

I draw your attention to the beautiful picture above.

What are they, you ask. Kidney stones, you reply.

Of course not. 

These, my fellow Canadians, are Timbiebs, and they're poised to turn this fine country into a Shangri-La. A period beyond the energy and festivities of the Roaring Twenties. An epoch that makes the Enlightenment look like A Three Stooges episode.

Finally, Justin Bieber's talent and Tim Hortons fine cuisine join hands to say, "The world needs more Canada…and kidney stones, timbits."

Sorry, they aren't kidney stones, although that might be one of the flavours.

In a scientificious analysis, Timbiebs are shown to cure:

• IBS, including the IBS you get from consuming Tim Hortons food

• lethargy, including the lethargy you feel waiting in a Tim Hortons food line

• poverty, including the poverty you experience working at Tim Hortons

So, I want you to do something for me.

I want you all right now to get up and go to the window, open it and stick your head out and yell, "I'm as happy as Hell about Timbiebs and I'm gonna eat more and more of them."

You're a human being and you deserve to be happy.

Helloooo Newman: Justin Time

Helloooo Newman: Justin Time:   Good grief, it's been a tough year and a half in Canada, hasn't it? The list of woes is long – pandemic, inflation, rents on the r...

Book Club

I'd start a book club but the first rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Helloooo Newman: Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Book Club: I'd start a book club but the number one rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank: Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you? Okay, it wasn&#39...

Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you?

Okay, it wasn't all the way. I didn't laugh from the second I left my house to the moment I entered the bank. It was really just before I entered the bank. A short guffaw. Laughing the entire trip would have looked pretty damn weird. Especially since no one else would come with me.

Anyway, it didn't really do much for me, so I wouldn't particularly recommend it. I know, laughing is suppose to put you in a good mood. The problem was the destination. My bank. As soon as I got in there, I was depressed because…I'm broke.

The only one laughing was the bank manager.

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting: Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them. I get it. Wasn...

Bad Will Hunting

Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them.

I get it. Wasn't clear on that, but I will factor this into my future travel plans.

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral: I've been to 8 weddings in my life. I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's b...

Eight Weddings and a Funeral

I've been to 8 weddings in my life.

I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's because all funerals are like going to the same funeral over and over again. All dead people are the same. No personality. Not much fun to be around.

But the alive people at the funeral are quite enjoyable. Ever notice there's just as much laughter at a funeral as there is at a wedding? Here's a typical conversation at a funeral: nice weather we're having eh? Ha ha ha ha ha, that's so funny, oh man, ha ha ha, I hope I don't die. Please don't take me. Not know.

I probably won't attend my own funeral, unless I can have a good standup act to officiate. 

If you look carefully, weddings and funerals are not what they seem to be. With a 50% divorce rate, at a wedding you're probably saying goodbye to a wonderful friendship that will die in a few years.

If you believe in Heaven, then no one at a funeral has really died, you're actually celebrating the start of a new afterlife and you're there mostly for the wings.

People ask me if I believe in an afterlife. God, I hope not. I'm looking forward to absolute nothingness. That's where I came from before I was born and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I was watching the Long Island Medium the other day as she used her bushy blonde hair to tune into dead people. Why doesn't she every contact people in Hell? She should do a Hell special and contact Jeffrey Epstein. She can have his friends Prince Andrew and Bill Clinton on too. They could use a sneak peak at where they're headed. 

We don't really know much about Hell, do we? Other than it's fucking hot. How hot, exactly? Is it a dry heat? Is it getting hotter with climate change? Are their cooling centres for people on good behaviour?

I'm off to a funeral today. Actually, they call it a visitation. By the way, Death, I'm just visiting, okay?

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End: I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her c...

Coming to a Swift End

I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her calls.

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.

Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.

Helloooo Newman: False Flag

Helloooo Newman: False Flag:  How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.

False Flag

 How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.