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HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Friday, 4 January 2019
Thursday, 3 January 2019
Helloooo Newman: Lost Vegan
Helloooo Newman: Lost Vegan: I think what's holding me back from being a vegan is the contradiction. On the one hand I'm eating vegan, which would make me want...
Lost Vegan
I think what's holding me back from being a vegan is the contradiction.
On the one hand I'm eating vegan, which would make me want to kill myself, but I'm eating vegan because it's healthier, which means that I want to live a longer life.
Unless I want to be in peak shape when I die. A healthier corpse to lug around has its benefits for the living. Not as heavy. Less makeup needed for the viewing. Look good in a suit.
Is this too morbid?
On the one hand I'm eating vegan, which would make me want to kill myself, but I'm eating vegan because it's healthier, which means that I want to live a longer life.
Unless I want to be in peak shape when I die. A healthier corpse to lug around has its benefits for the living. Not as heavy. Less makeup needed for the viewing. Look good in a suit.
Is this too morbid?
Wednesday, 2 January 2019
Helloooo Newman: Easy For You To Say
Helloooo Newman: Easy For You To Say: When we hate people based on their race, we call that racism . When we hate humans in general, why don't we say humanism ? Instead, w...
Easy For You To Say
When we hate people based on their race, we call that racism.
When we hate humans in general, why don't we say humanism? Instead, we decided humanism means the exact opposite.
We needed an easier word when someone hates humanity, so we picked misanthrope. I'm so tired of hearing that word. Cocktail parties, on the subway, at the hairdresser. Such an overused word.
When we hate humans in general, why don't we say humanism? Instead, we decided humanism means the exact opposite.
We needed an easier word when someone hates humanity, so we picked misanthrope. I'm so tired of hearing that word. Cocktail parties, on the subway, at the hairdresser. Such an overused word.
Tuesday, 1 January 2019
Helloooo Newman: UberEatsPool
Helloooo Newman: UberEatsPool: In the spirit of UberPool, Uber has introduced UberEatsPool. Get a meal delivered to your home, eat half of it, find a stranger and g...
UberEatsPool
Get a meal delivered to your home, eat half of it, find a stranger and get them to eat the other half.
Saves money…and your waistline.
Monday, 31 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Resolushuns
Helloooo Newman: Resolushuns: I've never been one for New Year resolutions. The motivation behind them never lasts. I've always thought that if you really want to...
Resolushuns
I've never been one for New Year resolutions. The motivation behind them never lasts. I've always thought that if you really want to change in some way, don't do it when everyone else is doing it and it's the "behaviour du jour". Do it in July, when you're relaxing at the cottage, drunk and pregnant with magic brownies. Takes way more effort. I've never seen anyone make a summer resolution, other than to drink more and then go water skiing at night.
This philosophy applies to other behaviour as well. If you really want to marry that person, do it in February when you have to salt the walkways into the wedding tent and the bride is wearing high-heel galoshes. It's so easy to get married on a nice summer day, which is why the divorce rate is so high.
Honeymoon in the South Pole, not the Bahamas. Too easy to have a good time. All-inclusive penguin meat has a way of holding a marriage together.
Now ignore all that because this year I am trying a resolution on for size.
For this, I'm turning to the Buddha. It's a strange choice, in that there is some question as to if he actually existed, and whether he appeared on Dancing with the Philosophers.
The Buddha said that "attachment is the root of suffering". Again, there is some question as to the accuracy of this translation. Some scholars think he said, "Shit, I overdosed on melatonin and I can't get out of this pose. My knees are killing me."
I'll assume what he meant was attachment to objects or outcomes. It's so much more romantic.
I've come across this pearl of wisdom before. I always thought it referred to the umbilical cord, and that it should be cut because you're too attached to your mom.
So, I'm no longer gonna be attached to my things, including this blog. We shall see if this really is the root of suffering. I still think the real root is having a teenage daughter.
This philosophy applies to other behaviour as well. If you really want to marry that person, do it in February when you have to salt the walkways into the wedding tent and the bride is wearing high-heel galoshes. It's so easy to get married on a nice summer day, which is why the divorce rate is so high.
Honeymoon in the South Pole, not the Bahamas. Too easy to have a good time. All-inclusive penguin meat has a way of holding a marriage together.
Now ignore all that because this year I am trying a resolution on for size.
For this, I'm turning to the Buddha. It's a strange choice, in that there is some question as to if he actually existed, and whether he appeared on Dancing with the Philosophers.
The Buddha said that "attachment is the root of suffering". Again, there is some question as to the accuracy of this translation. Some scholars think he said, "Shit, I overdosed on melatonin and I can't get out of this pose. My knees are killing me."
I'll assume what he meant was attachment to objects or outcomes. It's so much more romantic.
So, I'm no longer gonna be attached to my things, including this blog. We shall see if this really is the root of suffering. I still think the real root is having a teenage daughter.
Friday, 21 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Whose Wall is It, Anyway?
Helloooo Newman: Whose Wall is It, Anyway?: Steel slats. Trump is talking about the wall and "steel slats". Is he talking about the border wall? Or the walls of Ann Co...
Whose Wall is It, Anyway?
Steel slats.
Trump is talking about the wall and "steel slats".
Is he talking about the border wall? Or the walls of Ann Coulter's vagina?
Thursday, 20 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Baby Jesus
Helloooo Newman: Baby Jesus: It's funny how Facebook reminds me of all my friend's birthdays, but it never reminds me of the baby Jesus' birthday. "It...
Baby Jesus
It's funny how Facebook reminds me of all my friend's birthdays, but it never reminds me of the baby Jesus' birthday.
"It's Jesus' birthday today. Wish him Happy Birthday, but don't tell Him how old He is or that He broke His promise about coming back."
That's a huge oversight. I like to think that Jesus is my best friend. Certainly better than my Facebook friends, who only "friend" me for the high status it brings them.
And why doesn't Jesus post any pictures? Where the hell is He, anyway? Maybe He's stuck in Limbo. I hear it's really hard to take a good picture of Limbo. There's nothing there because everything's in limbo.
Well, Happy Early Birthday, Jesus. By the way, I shared the Facebook video of my life in 2018 with you. Most of what happened I blame on you. And your old man.
"It's Jesus' birthday today. Wish him Happy Birthday, but don't tell Him how old He is or that He broke His promise about coming back."
That's a huge oversight. I like to think that Jesus is my best friend. Certainly better than my Facebook friends, who only "friend" me for the high status it brings them.
And why doesn't Jesus post any pictures? Where the hell is He, anyway? Maybe He's stuck in Limbo. I hear it's really hard to take a good picture of Limbo. There's nothing there because everything's in limbo.
Well, Happy Early Birthday, Jesus. By the way, I shared the Facebook video of my life in 2018 with you. Most of what happened I blame on you. And your old man.
Friday, 14 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Social Schizo
Helloooo Newman: Social Schizo: The good thing about my schizophrenia and social media is that, instead of talking to myself, I text myself.
Social Schizo
The good thing about my schizophrenia and social media is that, instead of talking to myself, I text myself.
Helloooo Newman: Transparent
Helloooo Newman: Transparent: Sarah Sanders hopes she's remembered as transparent and honest. A transparent face – a face one could not see – yes, I want to reme...
Transparent
Sarah Sanders hopes she's remembered as transparent and honest.
A transparent face – a face one could not see – yes, I want to remember her that way.
(that's not very nice, Newman. Apologize.)
sorry
Thursday, 6 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape)
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape): Good news for those in Canada that love the melody of Baby It's Cold Outside , but heed the blatant call for rape in the lyrics. A new...
Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape)
Good news for those in Canada that love the melody of Baby It's Cold Outside, but heed the blatant call for rape in the lyrics.
A new version has been written. By Canada. You know – the place that isn't America.
In this improved version, a man sees a woman standing outside on a wintry minus thirty degrees day.
He goes outside and warns her of the cold and invites her inside for some hot chocolate. There is no Rohypnol in his house.
NO, you rapist. She says.
The man, realizing that consent hasn't been given, goes back inside.
The woman dies of hypothermia.
A neighbour witnesses that the man did not lend aid and comfort to the women, and testifies to this at the man's trial.
The man is convicted of second degree murder and jailed in a cell between two rapists.
I know. It's a bit complicated, but pretty catchy once the lyrics are matched up to the notes.
A new version has been written. By Canada. You know – the place that isn't America.
In this improved version, a man sees a woman standing outside on a wintry minus thirty degrees day.
He goes outside and warns her of the cold and invites her inside for some hot chocolate. There is no Rohypnol in his house.
NO, you rapist. She says.
The man, realizing that consent hasn't been given, goes back inside.
The woman dies of hypothermia.
A neighbour witnesses that the man did not lend aid and comfort to the women, and testifies to this at the man's trial.
The man is convicted of second degree murder and jailed in a cell between two rapists.
I know. It's a bit complicated, but pretty catchy once the lyrics are matched up to the notes.
Tuesday, 4 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine...
Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine...: In its war on rape culture, Canada, finally, has banned Baby It's Cold Outside from radio stations. Climate change experts applaud th...
Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine Outside
In its war on rape culture, Canada, finally, has banned Baby It's Cold Outside from radio stations.
Climate change experts applaud this move, reminding us that's it's getting hotter out there.
By the way, Hot Hot Hot will also be banned.
Stay tuned for a list of allowable songs, coming soon.
In the meantime, as a rule of thumb, please only listen to songs about adults consenting at room temperature.
Climate change experts applaud this move, reminding us that's it's getting hotter out there.
By the way, Hot Hot Hot will also be banned.
Stay tuned for a list of allowable songs, coming soon.
In the meantime, as a rule of thumb, please only listen to songs about adults consenting at room temperature.
Sunday, 2 December 2018
Helloooo Newman: Energy Conservation
Helloooo Newman: Energy Conservation: I chatted online with Toronto Hydro about my electricity bill. ME: Why are you charging me for energy? HYDRO: Because it costs money...
Energy Conservation
I chatted online with Toronto Hydro about my electricity bill.
ME: Why are you charging me for energy?
HYDRO: Because it costs money.
ME: Why does it cost money?
HYDRO: Because you are using the energy.
ME: Got ya! The First Law of Thermodynamics, called The Conservation of Energy, states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
HYDRO: How would you like to pay?
ME: You didn't create the energy, so you don't get to charge me. It's not even your energy to give away.
HYDRO: It's suppose to be a cold winter, sir.
ME: And I didn't USE anything. The energy is still there somewhere. You can reuse it.
HYDRO: Why are your pants down, sir?
ME: What?…I…
HYDRO: You forgot to cover up your webcam.
ME: VISA, please.
Tuesday, 27 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open
Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open: Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why. Think of our blog like it's a McDona...
Phone Lines are Open
Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why.
Think of our blog like it's a McDonald's hamburger. Each article is made with 99.9% Canada grade A funny. Sure, there are some additives (lots of salt, sugar, fat, gluten, terrible for heart health), but essentially, it's a funny burger. A Happy Meal. Without the lineups and puke-stained washrooms.
But, there are other hamburgers out there, trying to go down better than us.
In light of this sad news, we at HN want your feedback.
We have two phone lines set up to hear what you have to say.
For positive feedback, call 1-800-NEWMANLOVESYOU
For negative feedback, call 1-800-IHOPENEWMANPOOSONYOURMATTRESS
Operators are standing by…
Think of our blog like it's a McDonald's hamburger. Each article is made with 99.9% Canada grade A funny. Sure, there are some additives (lots of salt, sugar, fat, gluten, terrible for heart health), but essentially, it's a funny burger. A Happy Meal. Without the lineups and puke-stained washrooms.
But, there are other hamburgers out there, trying to go down better than us.
In light of this sad news, we at HN want your feedback.
We have two phone lines set up to hear what you have to say.
For positive feedback, call 1-800-NEWMANLOVESYOU
For negative feedback, call 1-800-IHOPENEWMANPOOSONYOURMATTRESS
Operators are standing by…
Thursday, 22 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: EIEIO
Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...
Helloooo Newman: EIEIO
Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...
EIEIO
Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg.
My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, CRO.
In these positions, her blood type has been changed to OOO negative.
I am the EIEIO, heading up the animal department.
Watch for our quarterly reports, issued once a year.
My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, CRO.
In these positions, her blood type has been changed to OOO negative.
I am the EIEIO, heading up the animal department.
Watch for our quarterly reports, issued once a year.
Monday, 19 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy
Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy: Writing quality comedy is hard. People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what make...
Dying is Easy
Writing quality comedy is hard.
People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what makes me laugh.
See my problem?
People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what makes me laugh.
See my problem?
Thursday, 15 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered
Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered: I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.
Wednesday, 14 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Me Neither
Helloooo Newman: Me Neither: You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn colle...
Me Neither
You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn collection and you inadvertently yell out, "Oh ya, I've seen that one. It's sooooo good."?
Me neither.
Me neither.
Tuesday, 13 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: No Answer
Helloooo Newman: No Answer: French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec go unanswered.
No Answer
French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec politicians go unanswered.
"Hey Ernie, gimme two macrons with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles."
Saturday, 10 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading
Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading: Downloading: The universe Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app. Maybe the reason the world is so me...
Still Downloading
 |
| Downloading: The universe |
Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app.
Maybe the reason the world is so messed up and confusing is that it hasn't finished downloading.
Has anybody checked the status bar lately?
I imagine the software engineer like this: An ADHD-riddled teen in nothing but dirty gym socks (online Avatar is Facial Fasciitis) playing basketball with his sperm into empty cups of Yop and popping fentanyl out of his Pez dispenser.
The Universe: Yer Fucked version Zero.
Still downloading…
Wednesday, 7 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams
Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams: People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will b...
Pursue Your Dreams
People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will be no pursuing, except of more sleep.
Tuesday, 6 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Masterbates
Helloooo Newman: Masterbates: Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.
Monday, 5 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause
Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause: I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.
Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings
Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings: You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.
Daylight Savings
You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.
Saturday, 3 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back
Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back: Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show. Finally, I found treatment....
Pain in the Back
Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show.
Finally, I found treatment. It's called acuPUNCHer. My wife repeatedly punches me in the head until the pain drowns out my back.
Finally, I found treatment. It's called acuPUNCHer. My wife repeatedly punches me in the head until the pain drowns out my back.
Thursday, 1 November 2018
Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God
Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God: I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don...
Tapping into God
I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don't tell Him.
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