Helloooo Newman: Peanut Butter

Helloooo Newman: Peanut Butter: There's only one thing that can explain how much peanut butter I eat. My mom had sex with the Planters peanut guy in 1962. I kind of ...

Peanut Butter

There's only one thing that can explain how much peanut butter I eat. My mom had sex with the Planters peanut guy in 1962. I kind of look like him too. In the legs. Maybe the belly as well. And soon I'll need a cane. So ya, he's my dad.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: My eye doctor told me I am short-sighted.

Wit Bit

My eye doctor told me I am short-sighted.

Helloooo Newman: He Shoots, He Scores

Helloooo Newman: He Shoots, He Scores: Hockey has "he shoots, he scores" , but no other sport seems to use this type of phrase. Why not? Tennis: He hits, he scores Bo...

He Shoots, He Scores

Hockey has "he shoots, he scores", but no other sport seems to use this type of phrase. Why not?

Tennis: He hits, he scores
Bowling: He rolls, he scores
Chess: He moves, he socres
Archery: He flings, he scores
Fencing: He stabs, he scores
Cricket: He chirps, he scores
Weightlifting: He heaves, he scores
Formula 1: He formulates, he scores
Figure Skating: He figures, he scores
Boxing: He beats his face in, he scores
American Handball: He handles his balls, he scores
Olympic Backstroke: He strokes, he scores
Sex: He strokes, he scores
Twister: He twists, he puts his butt in your face

Helloooo Newman: World War

Helloooo Newman: World War: The next world war will be fought in cyberspace. We will call it wwwwI. For more info, visit www.wwwwI. We answer the 5w's of w...

World War

The next world war will be fought in cyberspace.

We will call it wwwwI.

For more info, visit www.wwwwI.

We answer the 5w's of wwww1.

There will not be a wwwwII.

This blog is sponsored by A&WWW, home of the Wwwhopper.

Don't worry, once the world is destroyed and you are starving, this burger will make your mouth wwwater.

Helloooo Newman: Potholes

Helloooo Newman: Potholes: Here's an idea. Instead of paying scientists to find black holes, let's pay people to find all the potholes, and fill those fuckers....

Holes

Here's an idea. Instead of paying scientists to find black holes, let's pay people to find all the potholes, which is really a worm hole that leads to your mechanic, and fill those fuckers.

Earth first!

Make Earth great again!

Earth is a s***hole!

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I'm nostalgic for the pre-Big Bang times.

Wit Bit

I'm nostalgic for the pre-Big Bang times.

Helloooo Newman: Star Trek Life

Helloooo Newman: Star Trek Life: As I quickly advance in age, it's remarkable how everyday terms from Star Trek are beginning to describe my life. When I'm in t...

Star Trek Life

As I quickly advance in age, it's remarkable how everyday terms from Star Trek are beginning to describe my life.

When I'm in the washroom, Daddy is "ejecting his warp core. Evacuate."

When the dishwasher breaks, I run around the house, yelling, "Go to red alert." "Initiate a level 10 diagnostic."

When I ask to go out with the guys, my wife says, "Freedom is irrelevant. Resistance is futile."

When it's time to do the dishes after a large dinner party, my wife says, "You have the kitchen, Paul."

Then I watch the Kardashians and puke up Beam Me Up Scotty shots.

Helloooo Newman: WD-40

Helloooo Newman: WD-40: I'm old and my joints are killing me. Nothing seems to help them. I need WD-for over 40.

WD-40

I'm old and my joints don't move the way they use to. Nothing seems to help them.
I need WD-for over 40.

Helloooo Newman: Adam's Erection

Helloooo Newman: Adam's Erection: I have a viagra pill stuck in my throat and my Adam's apple is 8 times it's regular size. Damn, no turtlenecks for 4 hours.

Adam's Erection

I have a viagra pill stuck in my throat and my Adam's apple is 8 times its regular size. Damn, no turtlenecks for 4 hours.

Helloooo Newman: The Human Machine

Helloooo Newman: The Human Machine: The human body is a miracle machine that needs 8 hours of maintenance and repair, in the form of sleep, every day . Now, if you were an in...

The Human Machine

The human body is a miracle machine that needs 8 hours of maintenance and repair, in the form of sleep, every day.

Now, if you were an inventor and invented a machine that did some marvelous thing, and then you found out that the machine needs to be shut down for 8 hours every day to be fixed, would you buy it? Would you call that inventor a genius?

Would you call that inventor a God?

Would you even bother to invent something like that?

And yet God made the human body.

And I'm going to church every Sunday to tell Him what a great inventor He is?

As if.

Helloooo Newman: Keep It Up

Helloooo Newman: Keep It Up: A bunch of mime artists were having a party and I called the police for being too quiet. Instead of yelling out the window "keep i...

Keep It Up

A bunch of mime artists were having a party and I called the police for being too quiet.

Instead of yelling out the window "keep it down", I yelled "keep it up". I meant keep the noise up, and the music, but they thought I meant keep doing what they were already doing. Which was being quiet.

It was confusing. Most confusing was that a bunch of mime artists were having a party. I've never seen that before.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: My body is getting old. I don't think it's dishwasher safe anymore.

Wit Bit

My body is worn out. I don't think it's dishwasher safe anymore.

Helloooo Newman: Musk

Helloooo Newman: Musk: That Elon Musk is quite the genius. I especially love his cologne. Slap it on and it generates electricity in a room full of eligible w...

Musk

That Elon Musk is quite the genius.

I especially love his cologne. Slap it on and it generates emissions-free sexual energy in a room full of eligible women.

Helloooo Newman: Waze for Ants

Helloooo Newman: Waze for Ants: Where to? Kitchen garbage can, 457 Leftovers Lane Estimated time: All day Distance: 20 yards Okay. Let's Go: Continue stra...

Waze for Ants

Where to? Kitchen garbage can, 457 Leftovers Lane

Estimated time: All day. Maybe longer.

Distance: 20 yards

Okay. Let's Go:

Continue straight for 8 cm.

In 2 cm, make a right at the cow dung, and then continue along a zigzag route over every piece of annoying dirt and stone until you are exhausted and pass the scarecrow.

Alert: Anteater in 6 cm.

Dig a tunnel and take it to avoid anteater for 12 cm.

Grab a leaf, eat part of it for lunch, then use the rest to float across pond for 4 cm.

Alert: Highway in 6 cm.

Avoid highway by…

SPLAT

You have not arrived at your destination.

You never will.

New trip?

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits and Bites

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits and Bites: If I die now and become a ghost, do I appear to people as I looked at the moment I croaked? I ask because I don't really look my best th...

Wit Bits and Bites

If I die now and become a ghost, do I appear to people as I looked at the moment I croaked? I ask because I don't really look my best these days. Beginnings of a beer belly, age spots, jowls, retreating gumline. On the brighter side, my elbows are still nice and tight. I'm hoping maybe I get to watch a video game of my life and choose a ghost avatar before I haunt some house or beer hall. There was a time at age 6 when I looked pretty darn good.



If a watched pot of water never boils, how come it doesn't work the other way? The other day I sat outside in -30 degree weather and watched a pot of water freeze. It looked frozen, anyway. Could have been my eyes that were frozen.

Helloooo Newman: I started a candle factory, but I'm the kind of gu...

Helloooo Newman: I started a candle factory, but I'm the kind of gu...: I started a candle factory, but I'm the kind of guy who burns his candles at both ends, so now I'm out of business.

I started a candle factory, but I'm the kind of guy who burns his candles at both ends,
so now I'm out of business.

Helloooo Newman: Free Fence-Building

Helloooo Newman: Free Fence-Building: I built a fence for someone, but instead of charging $4,000 for the work I did it for free. I charged $4,000 for the quote. Hire me because ...

Free Fence-Building

I built a fence for someone, but instead of charging $4,000 for the work I did it for free. I charged $4,000 for the quote. Hire me because I work for free.

Helloooo Newman: #poundsign

Helloooo Newman: #poundsign: I'm starting an online movement for everyone to call the "#" symbol by its original name,  the pound sign . The movemen...

#poundsign

I'm starting an online movement that convinces people to call the "#" symbol by its original name, the pound sign. I hope everyone forgets "hashtag".

The movement is called #poundsign

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits and Bites

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits and Bites: My mom always said I had a one-track mind, but she was wrong. Even worse, I have an 8-track mind. Embarrassing, since no one makes 8-tr...

Wit Bits and Bites

My mom always said I had a one-track mind, but she was wrong.

Even worse, I have an 8-track mind. Embarrassing, since no one makes 8-track any more. And mine's broken. I really have to get one of those digital minds soon.



Did you know people check their phone on average 12,000 times a day? I've cut way back.

But now my iPhone is checking me. Constantly. It wakes me up at night. "Hey Paul, what's new? Anything new? What about now? Anything? New?"

"No! Go back to sleep mode."

Helloooo Newman: Global Warming

Helloooo Newman: Global Warming: I'm always doing my part to save the planet. From now on for the trip to work, instead of driving my car, I have it brought to work...

Global Warming

I'm always doing my part to save the planet.

From now on for the trip to work, instead of driving my car, I have it brought to work on one of those car-carrying trucks, while I take the subway. Same for the trip home. Saves emissions. Wear and Tear. And gas.

I know, I probably don't deserve a Nobel Peace Prize, like Al Gore received. I won't turn down nominations, though.

Helloooo Newman: Every Man, Woman and Child

Helloooo Newman: Every Man, Woman and Child: It's so annoying when writers use the phrase, every man, woman and child. The Titanic should have had enough lifeboats to carry every ...

Every Man, Woman and Child

It's so annoying when writers use the phrase, every man, woman and child.

The Titanic should have had enough lifeboats to carry every man, woman and child.

Really? How about the word everyone? Meaning every human. That kind of says it nicely.

Even if you go with man, woman and child, that doesn't cover infants. Or if a woman is pregnant, she'll probably weigh more, so you need more lifeboats.

What about giraffes? They were on Noah's boat. We should include them too.

By the way, do giraffes have an Adam's apple, and if so, where is it?

I do know that if I were on Noah's boat and needed an animal to stick his neck out for me, I'd pick the giraffe.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits and Bites

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits and Bites: Is it possible to move in just a zig pattern and skip the zag part? There are times when I plan to move in a zigzag pattern, like when I w...

Wit Bits and Bites

Is it possible to move in just a zig pattern and skip the zag part?

There are times when I plan to move in a zigzag pattern, like when I walk Newman up and down the streets, but after I finish the zig part I find there's no time for the zag part. I'm too tired, or more likely I have explosive diarrhea.

How do I know I've walked the zig part and not the zag part? I guess the zig always comes first, so it's impossible to walk only the zag part. No one walks a zagzig pattern. That would be silly.

Also, I need more zig in my zag.



They sell toilet paper all wrong. Instead of giving me a sheet/roll count, I would prefer the number of estimated decent wipes/roll that I can expect to get, given an average bowel movement. They could also give a wipe count for different conditions, like explosive diarrhea, loose stool, normal movement etc. I think more toilet paper would move off the shelves and onto bums.



Overkill is a silly word. How can you overkill someone, unless you also think people can be overdead?

If you can be overdead, you can also be underdead, which can only mean that you are alive. There are two kinds of people in the world: those that enjoy being alive and those that tolerate being underdead.

I'm a supporter of capital punishment so I think murderers that overkill should be overexecuted.

Using overkill is overkill.



(Oh my, explosive diarrhea twice in one blog)

Helloooo Newman: Resolved

Helloooo Newman: Resolved: I love making, and especially keeping, New Year's resolutions. Last year's resolution was a great success. Good thing I like bacon...

Resolved

I love making, and especially keeping, New Year's resolutions.

Last year's resolution was a great success. Good thing I like bacon. Eating a pound of bacon a day isn't always easy, even when it's bacon.

This year's resolution: I will begin every phone call, email and text with, "What the hell are you?" (from Predator).

Then I will end every phone call, email and text with, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" (from Die Hard).

It's exciting to finally put my favourite movies to good use.

Stay tuned. I might contact you.

Helloooo Newman: Earlier is Better

Helloooo Newman: Earlier is Better: It's interesting how we often prefer the earlier works of successful artists. Woody Allen's earlier movies were funnier. Exile o...

Earlier is Better

It's interesting how we often prefer the earlier works of successful artists.

Woody Allen's earlier movies were funnier. Exile on Main St. is often considered the Stones best album, released in 1972.

Same with Mozart. I prefer the music he wrote when he was 6 hours old and still having that goop washed off him. Especially the Umbilical Overture, where the baby screaming takes over from the French horns.

His work was kind of down hill from there, and I don't really care for anything past the age of 8.

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Lying

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Lying: I've been diagnosed with sleep lying. I lie down in my sleep. The doctor said it's very important not to disturb me in this state, a...

Sleep Lying

I've been diagnosed with sleep lying. I lie down in my sleep. The doctor said it's very important not to disturb me in this state, as I could hurt myself.

I also talk in my sleep, but everything I say is a lie.

Sleep lying. It's the truth.