Before Magazine

I've stopped reading NOW Magazine and instead I read Before NOW Magazine.

I get the scoop on all the important stories before they happen. That's how they got the name Before.

I tell you, I look damn smart at parties.

Helloooo Newman: This is Your Brain on Brain

Helloooo Newman: This is Your Brain on Brain: It's a drag that when we eat the brains of other people, we get a deadly neurological disease called Kuru. Right now this is the o...

This is Your Brain on Brain

It's a drag that when we eat the brains of other people, we get a deadly neurological disease called Kuru.

Right now this is the only sensible strategy for making my brain smarter – eating the frontal lobe of another, much smarter person.

I was thinking the brain of Judit Polgár would do nicely. Granted, she's still using it, but she could spare a few thin slices of her cortex, I have no doubt.

You have to be careful not to overcook it or you lose all the vitamins and 25 IQ points.

You might never have heard of Judit because she's a woman, I presume. Even she calls herself the greatest female chess player of all time. Is that a wise chess move? I guess that sounds better than the third or fourth greatest human chess player ever.

For some reason, we're allowed to eat the brains of just about every other species.

Hmmm, maybe dolphin brain?

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Cautions

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Cautions: Scientists have concluded that 3 cups of coffee a day can extend your life. Here:  http://www.torontosun.com/2017/07/11/3-cups-of-coffee-a...

Coffee Cautions

Scientists have concluded that 3 cups of coffee a day can extend your life.

Here: http://www.torontosun.com/2017/07/11/3-cups-of-coffee-a-day-can-help-extend-your-life-study

However, they point out that how you prepare it can affect results. If you use French Press or slow drip, you can die of boredom. Instant coffee can kill you instantly.

Finally, freeze dried coffee will put you in a cryogenic stasis until you wake up 1,000 years later and find out that coffee killed the entire human race off.

Enjoy!

Helloooo Newman: Rainmaker

Helloooo Newman: Rainmaker: I wonder if God ever looks at the forecast and says, "Ah shit, I have to make it rain again?" He has to get some dust togethe...

Rainmaker

I wonder if God ever looks at the forecast and says, "Ah shit, I have to make it rain again?"

He has to get some dust together, lift a bunch of water (water is really heavy), form it into the right kind of cloud, add in some lightning (which uses a lot of hydro) and aim it at people on the ground so it destroys their day. If He's in a bad mood he pulls some golfball hail from the freezer and pelts it at us.

Sounds like a lot of work. It must the equivalent of us having to do laundry. Dirt, water, soap, mix together, sit and read a magazine.

Isn't it easier to just let it be nice and sunny every day? Give the rain to the night shift guy.

I bet God enjoys earthquakes the most. A tiny shake by his finger, complete mayhem and death.

One of the fringe benefits of being all-powerful.

Helloooo Newman: Bilingual

Helloooo Newman: Bilingual: It's a sad fact of history that the Emoji civilization died out. But I'm glad they left their sophisticated language for us to di...

Bilingual

It's a sad fact of history that the Emoji civilization died out. But I'm glad they left their sophisticated language for us to discover. Knowing Emoji and English makes me bilingual, and really increase my chances at getting a well-paying job.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: There's no such thing as a free will.

Musings and Woes

There's no such thing as a free will.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I bought a drum set so now I can play a drum roll just before every Google search gives me the results. It's a hoot. Really increase ...

Musings and Woes

I bought a drum set so now I can play a drum roll just before every Google search gives me the results. It's a hoot. Really increase the excitement. The stakes are higher. What will the first 300,000 results actually be? You never know. Try it.

Try searching for "blogs attempting to be funny". See what you get.

Drum roll please…



I try living in the moment, but it's always over before I get around to it. Moments need to be longer.



Most babies suffered from colic. I suffered from melon-colic.

Helloooo Newman: Tricks of the Trade

Helloooo Newman: Tricks of the Trade: Here's a fun trick. The next time you meet someone who suffered head trauma that caused amnesia, tell them you were there for them the...

Tricks of the Trade

Here's a fun trick.

The next time you meet someone who suffered head trauma that caused amnesia, tell them you were there for them the whole time they lost their memory.

They'll say, "Hmmm, I don't remember that", and you'll say, "Of course not. The doctor said that would happen."

You can even add in things like, "Can I have my $500 back?", or "When's that trip to Paris you promised?"

Helloooo Newman: De-Ceased

Helloooo Newman: De-Ceased: Isn't "deceased" the wrong word for being dead? To de-cease means to stop being ceased, or to have the cease removed from...

De-Ceased

Isn't "deceased" the wrong word for being dead? To de-cease means to stop being ceased, or to have the cease removed from your body.

To all those deceased out there, congratulations, you're still alive. You owe back taxes.

The proper word is "ceased".

"That poor Paul, he ceased a long time ago. And his blog ceased long before that."

Helloooo Newman: Dancing with the Stars

Helloooo Newman: Dancing with the Stars: You know that Dancing with the Stars is all fake, right? They're dance-syncing — just like the mealy-mouthed lip-syncer.

Dancing with the Stars

You know that Dancing with the Stars is all fake, right? They're dance-syncing — just like the mealy-mouthed lip-syncer.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It ain't raining 'til it's raining.

Musings and Woes

It ain't raining 'til it's raining.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Normally beer goes straight to me head. But with the success of Helloooo Newman, all this fame has gone straight to my head. I'm drunk ...

Musings and Woes

Normally beer goes straight to me head. But with the success of Helloooo Newman, all this fame has gone straight to my head. I'm drunk on genius.

Helloooo Newman: Cold as Ice

Helloooo Newman: Cold as Ice: I bought a bag of ice the other day. I left it out on the counter, damn stuff melted, so I returned it. They wouldn't even replace the...

Cold as Ice

I bought a bag of ice the other day. I left it out on the counter, damn stuff melted, so I returned it. They wouldn't even replace the bag, or give me a refund. Bums. Customer service is dead.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm having a garage sale for all my sunscreen.

Musings and Woes

I'm having a garage sale for all my sunscreen.

Helloooo Newman: Handsomely Paid

Helloooo Newman: Handsomely Paid: The good thing about being handsome is that you are handsomely paid at work.

Handsomely Paid

The good thing about being handsome is that you are handsomely paid at work.

Helloooo Newman: Stomach Turning

Helloooo Newman: Stomach Turning: These days I base my daily routine on how long I can keep my stomach flat.

Stomach Turning

These days I base my daily routine on how long I can keep my stomach flat.

Helloooo Newman: Street Smarts

Helloooo Newman: Street Smarts: Someday I am going to drive along every street in this city that doesn't have holes in it that are being dug up, filled in, dug up, ...

Street Smarts

Someday I am going to drive along every street in this city that doesn't have holes in it that are being dug up, filled in, dug up, filled in and dug up, filled in.

And once I drive those 3 streets, I am going to sell my car and buy some Tesla Rollerblades.

Helloooo Newman: Fudge Off

Helloooo Newman: Fudge Off: How come we have a term for people who swear uncontrollably – Tourettes – but not for people who uncontrollably do not swear? I don&#3...

Fudge Off

How come we have a term for people who swear uncontrollably – Tourettes – but not for people who uncontrollably do not swear?

I don't trust people who can't swear. It's a basic human instinct that needs to be satisfied. Even before we had language, people needed to swear.

My grandmother never swore. Maybe people who uncontrollably do not swear have grandmothers syndrome.

Fuck, I'm smart.

Helloooo Newman: Mirror, Mirror

Helloooo Newman: Mirror, Mirror: Physicists theorize a mirror universe with a mirror you:  http://bigthink.com/philip-perry/physicists-propose-a-mirror-universe-where-tim...

Mirror, Mirror

Physicists theorize a mirror universe with a mirror you: http://bigthink.com/philip-perry/physicists-propose-a-mirror-universe-where-time-moves-in-the-opposite-direction?utm_campaign=Echobox&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#link_time=1498178035

Evidence suggests if you break the mirror universe, we all have 7 billion years of bad luck.

So please, be careful out there.

Helloooo Newman: Opposing Thumbs

Helloooo Newman: Opposing Thumbs: I don't think my thumbs are opposing thumbs. They actually approve of everything, including gay marriage, feminism, and equal pay f...

Opposing Thumbs

I don't think my thumbs are opposing thumbs. They actually approve of everything, including gay marriage, feminism, and equal pay for chimps.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm looking for my dream job — which is to sleep and dream. If I worked checkout at a grocery store, I would take the 0-0 items la...

Musings and Woes

I'm looking for my dream job — which is to sleep and dream.

If I worked checkout at a grocery store, I would take the 0-0 items lane.

Helloooo Newman: The Meaning of Life

Helloooo Newman: The Meaning of Life

The Meaning of Life

Searching for the meaning of life, when it's right in front of you.

Helloooo Newman: Hammerheads

Helloooo Newman: Hammerheads: What about those hammerhead sharks. Was evolution on vacation when they were created? I know that eyes really close together denotes la...

Hammerheads

What about those hammerhead sharks. Was evolution on mat leave when they were created?

I know that eyes really close together denotes lack of intelligence, and looks weird, but this is outlandish. By the time the hammerhead's brain realizes its eyes saw dinner, that dinner is a frozen fish stick in your freezer.

That's probably why a hammerhead has never been observed reading. When it reads, it stores the words in its eyes, swims around, and then when the words reach the brain a few months later, it says, "Wow, that was a great book. Maybe it deserves a second read."

I'm trying to imagine what a hammerhead does when his eyesight goes. What kind of frames would it choose? Ugly frames. I'm guessing bifocals are the way to go.

At some point, the hammerhead scolded evolution, "Listen, if you can't make us look like a regular shark, maybe it's time we die out. Please, kill us off before you make our head longer."

Imagine being a shark born to look like Marty Feldman. Not pleasant.

Helloooo Newman: Sperm Bank

Helloooo Newman: Sperm Bank: I don't know why any man would keep his sperm in a bank, with the lousy interest rates these days. Even with a mutual fund, profits...

Sperm Bank

I don't know why any man would keep his sperm in a bank, with the lousy interest rates these days.

Even with a mutual fund, profits could sag, although both are better than keeping it in a safe or under the mattress.

(OMG. He's talking about sperm. He must really need clicks.)

You've worked hard for your sperm to grow your nest egg. So make your sperm work hard for you.

I have mine in high performing stocks that love to beat inflation every time — with a whip, if available. Hooters is a particular favourite. Also check out Spanx — very good P/E ratio.

(This is flat out porn. Is it too late to get my money back on this site?)

Keep in mind that the biggest danger to growing your sperm, so you can enjoy a comfortable life, is deflation. Deflation is a party killer. Left unattended, you can't withdraw any sperm from your stock.

Please don't try this at home, by yourself. Not without the proper fistcal knowledge, like I have.

Helloooo Newman: Cola Wars

Helloooo Newman: Cola Wars: Product placement here I avoided the Coke vs Pepsi taste test. I always fail pop quizzes.

Cola Wars

Product placement here

I avoided the Coke vs Pepsi taste test.
I always fail pop quizzes.

(please groan loudly)

Helloooo Newman: Google Maps

Helloooo Newman: Google Maps: I typed a web address into Google Maps and it told me to take the  Information Highway until it ends.