Helloooo Newman: Good Mourning

Helloooo Newman: Good Mourning: I'm a morning person, as long as by morning, you mean mourning.

Good Mourning

I'm a morning person, as long as by morning, you mean mourning.

Helloooo Newman: Gators and Crocs

Helloooo Newman: Gators and Crocs: Whenever I'm leaving a friend and they say, "See you later, alligator", I respond with, "When, exactly, is later, cro...

Gators and Crocs

Whenever I'm leaving a friend and they say, "See you later, alligator", I respond with, "When, exactly, is later, crocodile? I would like an exact date and time. And a place. And a plan. What's the plan, and how long will it take? And how much will it cost me?"

 It really bugs my friends. Do you think it's because I don't rhyme anything with crocodile?

Helloooo Newman: Qs without As

Helloooo Newman: Qs without As: Why do we keep track of how long people have been dead like we do when they are alive? They'll be dead forever, and then some. He's ...

Qs without As

Why do we keep track of how long people have been dead like we do when they are alive? They'll be dead forever, and then some. He's been dead for 20 years. He's really getting on, eh? He's looking very dead. I almost didn't recognize him. It's not like you're dead for a certain amount of time and then something tragic happens. It's over. Forget about it.


I wonder what the YMCA was called before we finished developing the alphabet. And how could we follow the letter of the law before the alphabet?


I hate Y questions. They imply meaning, and there is no meaning. They also lead to Z questions.

Helloooo Newman: Taxi or Uber

Helloooo Newman: Taxi or Uber: I told the pilot on my flight that instead of taxiing to the runway, I'd rather take an Uber.

Taxi or Uber

I told the pilot on my flight that instead of taxiing to the runway, I'd rather take an Uber.

Helloooo Newman: It's Eating Me

Helloooo Newman: It's Eating Me: How come if you don't eat anything it's called an eating disorder  but if you eat way too much it isn't?

It's Eating Me

How come if you starve yourself it's called an eating disorder 

but if you stuff yourself it isn't?

Helloooo Newman: Razing A Stink

Helloooo Newman: Razing A Stink: The English language is so full of confusing words that I'm thinking of giving it up as a means of communication. It mangles mean...

Razing A Stink

The English language is so full of confusing words that I'm thinking of giving it up as a means of communication.

It mangles meaning – the English mangleage.

My most unfavourite word is: Raze (completely destroy something to the ground)

I get it, a million years ago lots of grass huts and wooden mangers were burning to the ground, and they needed a special word for it, other than, "Oh shitcakes."

Raze? This is what the word committee settled on? A word that sounds EXACTLY the same as another word (raise) which means its EXACT opposite.

Were they out of words at the word store that day? "I'm sorry, we're out of new words today, all the consonants are being rented but we have plenty of vowels available. Can I interest you in a used word?"

Reminds me of those people who rhyme all their children's names. Meet Kim, Tim, Slim and Jim. Slim and Jim are twins. That's so cute it's almost annoying.

Ya, I'd like to raze a stink about this. Oh shit, see what happens when you confuse words?

Poor Sam at his barn razing – "Guys, you burned everything down. I said barn RAISING."

"Hey boss, can you raise my salary?"

"Raze it? Done!"

"I'm not sure if I want to raise my kids or raze them."

I thought language was invented to clear things up between people.

Caveman: Listen dude, enough with the grunting. I never know if you want to go fuck with a mastodon or practice our cave painting. We need a language.

And this isn't even the worst of it. Every day people are confusing the word "Paul" and "Sexy".

This caveman is done with English.

Helloooo Newman: Put Some Clothes On

Helloooo Newman: Put Some Clothes On: Do you ever use that neat trick where if you find someone intimidating, you picture them in the nude, and it brings them down to your l...

Put Some Clothes On

Do you ever use that neat trick where if you find someone intimidating, you picture them in the nude, and it brings them down to your level?

I use it in reverse.

I get very nervous around strippers, so I always picture them wearing clothes. I feel much more relaxed that way.

Then they ask me to pay for the table dance, and I say, "No way. You were dressed the whole time."

Helloooo Newman: Valenwine's Day

Helloooo Newman: Valenwine's Day: I buy my wife a rose on Valentine's Day. Oops, that's rosé. As in a bottle of rosé wine. It's her favourite bouquet, an...

Valenwine's Day

I buy my wife a rose on Valentine's Day.

Oops, that's rosé. As in a bottle of rosé wine. It's amazing what a little aigu can do.

It's her favourite bouquet, and it makes her love me lots.

Thousands of grapes and hundreds of man, woman and trans hours go into making that rosé, and it's still cheaper than buying an individual rose, which I can find growing wild through a small crack in my neighbour's driveway asphalt.

Happy Valenwine's Day, honey.

Helloooo Newman: Rotten Peach

Helloooo Newman: Rotten Peach: Can't we just skip to the impeachment right now.

Rotten Peach

Can't we just skip to the impeachment right now?

Helloooo Newman: White Noise

Helloooo Newman: White Noise: What is white noise? I mean, why is it white? Above is a picture of white noise. Forget about how nonsensical it is to have a "p...

White Noise

What is white noise? I mean, why is it white?

Above is a picture of white noise. Forget about how nonsensical it is to have a "picture" of a "sound" – the picture clearly has black and white in it.

So, why isn't it called black and white noise? Or just black noise? Or either one, depending on your mood.

Or depending on your race. Calling it white or black noise is clearly racist. You can't use the words "white" or "black" anymore without being a racist. That makes it hard to be a graphic designer. "I think your newsletter needs more, um, well, you know, space…you know that space with nothing in it, no colour, like, just nothing, empty and like that."

"White space?"

"Hey, you said that, not me."

Is white noise the white man's attempt to appropriate everything – even noises?

Generally speaking, we consider white noise to be an annoying sound. So, if we're going to assign a colour to this sound (we shouldn't), why not pick a really annoying colour?

The colours white and black are not annoying. I love wrapping myself in a lovely white sarong during those hot summer days. And my black shirts make me look very cool. And young. And hip.

How about puce? Puce has been declared by the U.N. to be the ugliest and most dangerous colour on the planet.

There's too much puce noise in the world.

Helloooo Newman: Huggies

Helloooo Newman: Huggies: I hope Justin doesn't get any orange on his new suit when he hugs Trump.

Huggies

I hope Justin doesn't get any orange on his new suit when he hugs Trump.

Helloooo Newman: Open the Big Shiny Door, HAL

Helloooo Newman: Open the Big Shiny Door, HAL: Trump supporters go apeshit over the first slab in their wall. "Will this hold? It's not very shiny."

Open the Big Shiny Door, HAL

Trump supporters go apeshit over the first slab in their wall.

"Will this hold? It's not very shiny."

Helloooo Newman: The Handshake Felt Around the World

Helloooo Newman: The Handshake Felt Around the World: Japan reached a milestone agreement to allow all US goods into their country tariff-free on the proviso that Mr. Trump never attempt t...

The Handshake Felt Around the World

Japan reached a milestone agreement to allow all US goods into their country tariff-free on the proviso that Mr. Trump never attempt to shake their leader's hand again.

Meanwhile, a jealous Mr. Jong-un launched a new missile, and stated that the next one will hit Los Angeles if Mr. Trump does not shake his hand for a minimum of 3 minutes.

Helloooo Newman: A Trumpy Adventure

Helloooo Newman: A Trumpy Adventure: Trumpy, Putin, Spicer, Bannon He was once a little green monied guy TRUMPY Now he is the President and we cry TRUMPY He will w...

A Trumpy Adventure

Trumpy, Putin, Spicer, Bannon

He was once a little green monied guy

TRUMPY

Now he is the President and we cry

TRUMPY

He will walk into history books

With his pony pal Putin too

If you have no heart then Trumpy's a part of you

Helloooo Newman: ;Colonoscopy

Helloooo Newman: ;Colonoscopy: Like any reasonable man, I am terrified of getting a full-on colon oscopy. I asked my doctor if he could make it a semi-colon oscopy....

;Colonoscopy

Like any reasonable man, I am terrified of getting a full-on colonoscopy.

I asked my doctor if he could make it a semi-colonoscopy.

He rammed it in and it felt like a bullet point.

I abbreviated my visit and made a mad dash out of his office.

I ran and ran, like a run on sentence.

When I got home, I was so tired I fell into a comma for two months.

I woke up and kept reliving that period of my life.

It's a shame life has to be punctuated with such horrible experiences.

Helloooo Newman: This is Not CNN

Helloooo Newman: This is Not CNN: In light of Trump's team inventing terrorist attacks that never happened, and the media never covering terrorists attacks that actu...

This is Not CNN

In light of Trump's team inventing terrorist attacks that never happened, and the media never covering terrorists attacks that actually happened, CNN is splitting the difference.

CNN, THE voice in fake news, is starting a half-sister station, called NCNN.

NCNN (Not CNN) will feature in-depth coverage of events that DID NOT happen.

NCNN will specialize in events that never occurred, events that are not currently occurring, and events that could not possibly occur.

Some stories will reach back in time – The attack on Pearl Harbour, an effort by Japan to bomb the US market with cheap sushi and selfie sticks. America prevailed in World Trade War II. (live coverage)

Woodstock – A seminal sixties event where people gathered on a farm to raise and eat Trump steak.

Kent State Riots – Students demanded that they be educated at Trump University. Some were shot with alternative bullets.

Exciting future non-events will be also covered, like the Leafs not winning the Stanley Cup.

NCNN will debut with the second coming of Jesus – it hasn't happened, it definitely isn't happening now, and it never will happen.

(cue music and James Earl Jones)

This is NOT CNN.

Helloooo Newman: Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy

Helloooo Newman: Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy: In the story Pinocchio , the Blue Fairy says, "A lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face.&q...

Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy

In the story Pinocchio, the Blue Fairy says, "A lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face."

Donald Trump is a modern day Pinocchio, except that every time he lies he turns orange.

There are two crucial differences between Pinocchio and Donald Trump. Pinocchio was on strings, whereas everyone around Trump is on strings.

And Pinocchio eventually became a genuine person.

Helloooo Newman: Emojo

Helloooo Newman: Emojo: I've lost my emojo

Emojo

I've lost my emojo

Helloooo Newman: Reborn

Helloooo Newman: Reborn: Okay, I believe in God again.

Reborn

Okay, I believe in God again.

Helloooo Newman: Homo Erectus

Helloooo Newman: Homo Erectus: Archeologists have discovered that Homo Erectus, just as he realized he was about to die off,  tried mating with Homo Viagra.  ...

Homo Erectus

Archeologists have discovered that Homo Erectus, just as he realized he was about to die off, 

tried mating with Homo Viagra. 

Six hours later they were all gone.

Helloooo Newman: Trumpy

Helloooo Newman: Trumpy: He can walk into history books. With his pony pal Putin too.

Trumpy

He can walk into history books.

With his pony pal Putin too.

Helloooo Newman: Pudding Proof

Helloooo Newman: Pudding Proof: Wouldn't life be so much easier if the proof actually was in the pudding ? I'll have you know that, just for this blog, I s...

Pudding Proof

Wouldn't life be so much easier if the proof actually was in the pudding?

I'll have you know that, just for this blog, I spent a whole day sifting through and eating pudding – sponge, jello, blood, you name it.

Nothing. No proof. Except for how much diarrhea a person can survive.

I thought at first I was being too ambitious. I was hoping to find proof for string theory, or its competition, loop quantum gravity. Turned out it was just loops of poo on a plate.

Bill Cosby was the official spokesman for Jello pudding. So I looked for proof that he is a rat bastard rapist. No such luck, which is why he's still free.

Couldn't I at least find proof that I'm always right and my wife is always wrong?

Maybe I'll just keep eating until I find something.

Helloooo Newman: The Wal

Helloooo Newman: The Wal: Well, colour me embarrassed. I thought DJ Trump's wall was some kind of tribute to Pink Floyd. It's an actual wall. But what ...

The Wal

Well, colour me embarrassed. I thought DJ Trump's wall was some kind of tribute to Pink Floyd.

It's an actual wall. But what will it look like?

If I were building it, I would have 1,954 miles of…Walmart stores.

Walmarts………………as far the bad hombres can see………………

With Walmart, you get your Wal, and your mart.

All the Walmarts would face Mexico, making it easy for hombres to go in and spend their hard earned drug pesos. The Mart part pays for the Wal part.

Think about it. Thousands of rapists and drug dealers make their way to the border, realize they can't get past the Wal, and think, "Shit, while I'm here I might as well pick up some baking soda, car batteries, and a good polypropylene rope for hanging people."

DJ Trump has been very sketchy on specifics, but the detail is in the retail.

Security doesn't get any more American than the Wal.

Helloooo Newman: HomeSense

Helloooo Newman: HomeSense: The retail chain HomeSense is practically on every corner these days. Let's call it  CommonSense. When my wife shops there...

HomeSense

The retail chain HomeSense is practically on every corner these days.

Let's call it CommonSense.

When my wife shops there, she is InSense.

I hate when teens go there, because you are shopping in AdolesSense.

I always argue price and give in: AcquiesSense.

I was accused of shoplifting there, and proclaimed my InnoSense.

Some day, HomeSense will achieve ObsolesSense, and go out of business.

We will call that NonSense.

I will then open a similar store, called ReminisSense.

Helloooo Newman: Paralegal

Helloooo Newman: Paralegal: If Paralympic athletes get caught cheating in competition,  do they use paralegals to represent them?

Paralegal

If Paralympic athletes get caught cheating in competition, 

do they use paralegals to represent them?