God's Country

I've never understood the phrase "God's Country".

"This land is God's country." Why is it always located in the country?

You never hear, "This is God's city." "This is God's condo. He lives on floor 120000001, overlooking humanity." In the evenings, He and his son lift the entire universe in the weight room and then walk on the pool water, all conveniently included in the low condo fees of $1 billion per year. No wonder churches need money.

Later they order pizza but it never arrives. The elevators are down. There's only a stairway to Heaven and the pizza man dies of exhaustion on the way.

It's impossible to get pizza delivery in the country, God. You can get some good banjo lessons. And you know what else is hard to find? Hookers. Impossible. Too much square mileage. I've never seen a hooker standing on the side of a highway. The city's loaded with them. I can have four of them in your condo tub before you can change the water into wine.

And why aren't you out there farming your land? Get your lazy son to build something. He's a carpenter, right? And he's not really busy these days, you know what I mean? Like, always skipping the second coming.

Most people live in cities, God. By the year 2085, 200% of the world's population will live in them.

Dear God: It's time you got out and stretched your omnipotence. Please consider cities.