Helloooo Newman: Premium Electricity

Helloooo Newman: Premium Electricity: When I gas up my car I buy only the best – premium gas. I'll do the same for my Tesla – only the best electricity for this baby....

Premium Electricity

When I gas up my car I buy only the best – premium gas.

I'll do the same for my Tesla – only the best electricity for this baby.

Helloooo Newman: Kudos

Helloooo Newman: Kudos: How come when we praise someone we always give them kudos? I know some people who only deserve one kudo at the most, myself included. ...

Kudos

How come when we praise someone we always give them kudos?

I know some people who only deserve one kudo at the most, myself included.

Maybe…maybe one and three quarters of a kudo. Certainly not everyone deserves full kudos (plural) all the time.

When I half-ass my laundry duties – combine underwear, face towels, fine knits, bath mats, oily rags, my high heels, colours, whites, blacks, furniture – I fully expect to receive a half kudo at most. And I'm good with that.

We're handing out kudos way to easily these days.

It's like kudos are cash, and we have a kudos welfare program, handing out kudos to the needy, to people who deserve slight praise but receive a nice kudos cheque from the government every month.

What happened to working for your kudos, like in the good old days?

When Justin Bieber hits someone with his big-boy car and gets out to see if they are okay, no kudos should be forwarded to him. Gwyneth Paltrow does not deserve kudos for giving us Goop. In fact, she owes kudos back into the kudo bank.

No celebrity deserves kudos for giving away a fraction of their obscene wealth. The Academy Awards should be called the Embarrassment of Wealth Awards.

We will never meet the people who really deserve kudos. Like the person/s leaking all the dirt on the Trump White House. He/she/they deserve to win the kudos lottery.

I'm saving each and every kudo for that rainy day when I fuck everything up.

Helloooo Newman: Cock Blocker Blog

Helloooo Newman: Cock Blocker Blog: Cock blockers are usually this big, but mine is much, MUCH BIGGER. I tried to order my cock blocker online from China, but my ad block...

Cock Blocker Blog

Cock blockers are usually this big, but mine is much, MUCH BIGGER.

I tried to order my cock blocker online from China, but my ad blocker blocked it.

I called the company to ship it directly, but Customs blocked my cock blocker.

I called the White House to ask them where they all got their cock blockers, but they blocked my call.

Why is everyone blocking my cock blocker?

I tried to make my own cock blocker, but suffered from a mental blocker.

Naturally, I thought I would write a great cock blog about it, but suffered from writer's blocker.

Someday, I'll unblock my cock blocker. And I'll know how to use it, because I've been around the blocker a few times.


Warning: This blog is rated "C" for crass.
This blog has been blocked in 1,234 countries, 7 planets and 13 solar systems.

Helloooo Newman: Back on the Sperm Gang

Helloooo Newman: Back on the Sperm Gang: Apparently fewer and fewer sperm are showing up for work these days. Men around the world are suffering from low sperm counts. Can we...

Back on the Sperm Gang

Apparently fewer and fewer sperm are showing up for work these days.

Men around the world are suffering from low sperm counts.

Can we blame the sperm? Lying around in that crowded and sweaty hammock, day after day, waiting for action.

It's like being a fireman. Polishing your big red truck for the hundredth time. Lazily throwing balls for the Dalmatian. Where's that alarm? Waiting. Please, give me a reason to slide down that pole. Yawning and waiting…

Just like the sperm.

My theory: Sperm street gangs.

Sperm are exiting through the nose, every time a man blows it. They are gathering in numbers too big to calculate, in the cracks and crevices of neighbourhood alleyways.

Taking insemination into their own, um, tails?

Be very careful, ladies. Think twice about your next alley visit. You could end up wrestling gangs of 6 or 7 billion angry sperm. Swimming for victims, similar to the many-tailed Sentinels from The Matrix. Sure, the mace might work on a few thousand of them. When it's all over, you wake up and you're knocked up.

Soon, a planet of only sperm.

Kinda makes sense, actually.

Helloooo Newman: Baby on Board

Helloooo Newman: Baby on Board: What are those "baby on board" signs suppose to do? "Ahhhhhhhh shiiiiit, another car I can't ram into at 80 kp...

Baby on Board

What are those "baby on board" signs suppose to do?

"Ahhhhhhhh shiiiiit, another car I shouldn't ram into at 80 kph (49.7097 mph)."

Helloooo Newman: Should my "glutes" be gluten-free?

Helloooo Newman:
Should my "glutes" be gluten-free?: Should my "glutes" be gluten-free?

Should my "glutes" be gluten-free?

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Sometimes I wish I had gone into concrete cutting before it became so big.

Musings and Woes

Sometimes I wish I had gone into concrete cutting before it became so big.

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk

Helloooo Newman: Body Talk: Health experts say that grown men need about 2700 calories/day to maintain a healthy weight. There are two problems with this doc talk....

Body Talk

Health experts say that grown men need about 2700 calories/day to maintain a healthy weight.

There are two problems with this doc talk.

One: There is scant evidence that, at 54, I am a grown man.

Two: My body disagree with this "figure" (it used "figure" as a figure of speech-isn't my body hilarious?).

We were up late last night arguing about it.

"Listen, dude. I want at least 4000 calories a day down that gullet of yours or I'm shuttin' the whole thing down."

"Gullet of mine? It's yours too. Let me speak to the brain."

"He's sleeping. And he has enough to think about with your silly blogs. Leave him alone."

"It says right here that I only need 2700 calories per day."

"I can't read, you idiot. Now get your ass to A&W for a cheddar bacon uncle burger combo or I'll pop some mighty hemorrhoids out your blowhole."

The "debate" continues…and it works up a mean appetite.

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date: What happens when two blind people go on a date? Is that called a blind date? It can't be. Based on that criteria, we would have to...

Blind Date

What happens when two blind people go on a date?

Is that called a blind date? It can't be. Based on that criteria, we would have to call regular dating sighted dating.

The blind part refers to the fact that you haven't met the person before.

So when two blind people (who have met before) go on a date, we should call that dating, and it's optional if we want to mention that they are blind.

If two blind people who have never met go on a date, that's a double blind date. Just like a double blind study. Hopefully the results are a success.

What if a blind person goes on a date with a sighted person, and they've met before. That's called a blind-sighted date. Hopefully one of the daters isn't blindsided.

If the blind and sighted person have never met, that's a blind sight blind-sighted blind date. I think. Add anther couple and you get blind sight blind-sighted blind double blind date. I think. I've lost track of who can see and who can't.

I hope they don't go to Starbucks and order a double double with a doubleshot of caffeine. That would be a blind sight blind-sighted blind double blind double double doubleshot blind date.

Think I'll double date the dogs. It's easier.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: How am I suppose to "live large" and "think big" and yet lose weight? How?

Musings and Woes

How am I suppose to "live large" and "think big" and yet lose weight?

How?

Helloooo Newman: Don't Hold Your Breath

Helloooo Newman: Don't Hold Your Breath: A friend of mine was drowning. I panicked and froze. Didn't know what to do. He kept asking me when am I going to throw the lifebuoy....

Don't Hold Your Breath

A friend of mine was drowning. I panicked and froze. Didn't know what to do. He kept asking me when am I going to throw the lifebuoy. Nervously, I quipped, "Don't hold your breath."

He stopped holding his breath and drowned.

I didn't mean it. Really.

Despite the saying, there are times when you should hold your breath.

Helloooo Newman: The Penny

Helloooo Newman: The Penny: It's too bad that Canada axed the penny. Now, when you're having a serious discussion, you can't put your two cents worth in...

The Penny

It's too bad that Canada axed the penny. Now, when you're having a serious discussion, you can't put your two cents worth in anymore.

Unless you have your debit card handy.

Or, if you're the strong silent type, no one can offer you a penny for your thoughts.

Again, unless you have a debit card, and the strong silent type guy accepts debit payments for his thoughts.

When in the heat of conversation, I now offer my five cents worth and insist on three cents change.

I win the argument because everyone just walks away.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I wouldn't sell my soul for fame, mostly because it's not really worth much. I would sell something much more valuable, like my hous...

Musings and Woes

I wouldn't sell my soul for fame, mostly because it's not really worth much. I would sell something much more valuable, like my house in the city.



Life is a smorgasbord because everything happens for a reason, and you get to pick the reason.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Have you actually ever seen a cat carrying a human tongue in its mouth?

Musings and Woes

Have you actually ever seen a cat carrying a human tongue in its mouth?

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Boasters

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Boasters: Scientists say that drinking coffee staves off death, but they warn that if you do die, your heart will race and you'll still have tr...

Coffee Boasters

Scientists say that drinking coffee staves off death, but they warn that if you do die, your heart will race and you'll still have trouble falling asleep.

Helloooo Newman: Tankless Job

Helloooo Newman: Tankless Job: All men should be banned from wearing the tank top.  Or, it should only be worn by men that actually drive tanks.

Tankless Job

All men should be banned from wearing the tank top.

It is a Medieval piece of clothing akin to the animal skin. 

Or, it should only be worn by men that actually drive tanks.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm really sick of meeting them on the sidewalk and they don't have their leashes on. Or in the park. Running around like wild anima...

Musings and Woes

I'm really sick of meeting them on the sidewalk and they don't have their leashes on. Or in the park. Running around like wild animals. Some are pretty big and scary. Isn't there a law requiring this? Come on, people. When your kids are loose, put their leash on.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: A friend of mine was lovingly raised to be a successful businessman by Foster parents. Isn't that sweet? Later I found out his last name...

Musings and Woes

A friend of mine was lovingly raised to be a successful businessman by Foster parents. Isn't that sweet? Later I found out his last name was actually Foster. Then I thought, oh okay, that's not very special.

Helloooo Newman: On the Brink

Helloooo Newman: On the Brink: What do Brinks trucks carry these days? It can't be cash. Who uses cash anymore? Are they driving around a bunch of debit transac...

On the Brink

What do Brinks trucks carry these days?

It can't be cash. Who uses cash anymore? Are they driving around a bunch of debit transactions?

Could they be on the brink of extinction?

Some possible new uses for the Brinks truck: beer fridge on wheels (Brinks drinks); mobile jewelry box for Kim Kardashian; kids playground equipment; handing out money to the public.

Wouldn't it be fun if little Billy was playing in a Brinks truck, got locked in, and you had to deploy some semtex plastic explosive to free him? That kind of memory sticks with a kid.

I'm turning one into an ice cream truck. The truck has small rectangular holes through which security guards poke their guns to shoot anyone trying to attack them. Perfect size for scoops of ice cream.

Turning guns into ice cream. I can get behind that.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Today is International me day.

Musings and Woes

Today is International me day.

Helloooo Newman: Sounds of Barking

Helloooo Newman: Sounds of Barking: Hello dark post, my old friend I've come to pee on you again

Sounds of Barking

Hello dark post, my old friend

I've come to pee on you again

Helloooo Newman: 001101001

Helloooo Newman: 001101001: The following blog was penned (or pixelated) by our guest writer, Al Gorithm. 001101001 001101001 1100011101011 111010100011 110...

001101001

The following blog was penned (or pixelated) by our guest writer, Al Gorithm.

001101001

001101001

1100011101011

111010100011

11010110001

00

1

Helloooo Newman: Musical Genius

Helloooo Newman: Musical Genius: I'm starting a new music service where, instead of downloading a song or album, you download a few notes from a song. Let's say...

Musical Genius

I'm starting a new music service where, instead of downloading a song or album, you download a few notes from a song.

Let's say you only enjoy the chorus, or maybe the first 4 bars of the intro, or you fancy 2 notes from an Arrogant Worms song paired with the last note of Rhapsody in Blue. No problem. Mix and match. Buy only 32 notes or 3,200.

Notes come in packages too. This week only: buy 24 quarters notes and get 8 sixteenth notes FREE. Get two triplets for the price of one.

Buy a hundred rests and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Really, I don't why I'm not rich yet.

Helloooo Newman: Hindsight

Helloooo Newman: Hindsight: Bad news, folks. I went to the eye doctor today and he told me my hindsight isn't 20/20. Never has been. He said that explains wh...

Hindsight

Bad news, folks.

I went to the eye doctor today and he told me my hindsight isn't 20/20. Never has been.

He said that explains why I'm a dummy and never learn from my mistakes.

Thankfully, he gave me the proper prescription – coke-bottle glasses – that I wear on the back of my head.

I think they're working. I see now why I never got a date in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

Helloooo Newman: Trump Aides

Helloooo Newman: Trump Aides: This is a Trump aide justifying Don Jr.'s behaviour.

Trump Aides

This is a Trump aide trying to justify Don Jr.'s behaviour.

Helloooo Newman: Dog World

Helloooo Newman: Dog World: I imagine a world where evolution produced only dogs. No people. Only dogs. And me, of course. Me and only dogs. Oh, and one other per...

Dog World

I imagine a world where evolution produced only dogs. No people. Only dogs.

And me, of course.

Me and only dogs.

Oh, and one other person to make all the poop bags I would need.

Me, dogs, and a poop bag maker.

That's my world.

Helloooo Newman: Sign Language

Helloooo Newman: Sign Language: Helloooo Newman has become so popular that people all over the city stop me for autographs. One guy asked me to sign my name on his arm, s...

Sign Language

Helloooo Newman has become so popular that people all over the city stop me for autographs.

One guy asked me to sign my name on his arm, so I did it in sign language. You should have seen his face. He punched me in the brain, but it was worth it.

Helloooo Newman: Before Magazine

Helloooo Newman: Before Magazine: I've stopped reading NOW Magazine and instead I read Before NOW Magazine. I get the scoop on all the important stories before they h...

Before Magazine

I've stopped reading NOW Magazine and instead I read Before NOW Magazine.

I get the scoop on all the important stories before they happen. That's how they got the name Before.

I tell you, I look damn smart at parties.

Helloooo Newman: This is Your Brain on Brain

Helloooo Newman: This is Your Brain on Brain: It's a drag that when we eat the brains of other people, we get a deadly neurological disease called Kuru. Right now this is the o...

This is Your Brain on Brain

It's a drag that when we eat the brains of other people, we get a deadly neurological disease called Kuru.

Right now this is the only sensible strategy for making my brain smarter – eating the frontal lobe of another, much smarter person.

I was thinking the brain of Judit Polgár would do nicely. Granted, she's still using it, but she could spare a few thin slices of her cortex, I have no doubt.

You have to be careful not to overcook it or you lose all the vitamins and 25 IQ points.

You might never have heard of Judit because she's a woman, I presume. Even she calls herself the greatest female chess player of all time. Is that a wise chess move? I guess that sounds better than the third or fourth greatest human chess player ever.

For some reason, we're allowed to eat the brains of just about every other species.

Hmmm, maybe dolphin brain?

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Cautions

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Cautions: Scientists have concluded that 3 cups of coffee a day can extend your life. Here:  http://www.torontosun.com/2017/07/11/3-cups-of-coffee-a...

Coffee Cautions

Scientists have concluded that 3 cups of coffee a day can extend your life.

Here: http://www.torontosun.com/2017/07/11/3-cups-of-coffee-a-day-can-help-extend-your-life-study

However, they point out that how you prepare it can affect results. If you use French Press or slow drip, you can die of boredom. Instant coffee can kill you instantly.

Finally, freeze dried coffee will put you in a cryogenic stasis until you wake up 1,000 years later and find out that coffee killed the entire human race off.

Enjoy!

Helloooo Newman: Rainmaker

Helloooo Newman: Rainmaker: I wonder if God ever looks at the forecast and says, "Ah shit, I have to make it rain again?" He has to get some dust togethe...

Rainmaker

I wonder if God ever looks at the forecast and says, "Ah shit, I have to make it rain again?"

He has to get some dust together, lift a bunch of water (water is really heavy), form it into the right kind of cloud, add in some lightning (which uses a lot of hydro) and aim it at people on the ground so it destroys their day. If He's in a bad mood he pulls some golfball hail from the freezer and pelts it at us.

Sounds like a lot of work. It must the equivalent of us having to do laundry. Dirt, water, soap, mix together, sit and read a magazine.

Isn't it easier to just let it be nice and sunny every day? Give the rain to the night shift guy.

I bet God enjoys earthquakes the most. A tiny shake by his finger, complete mayhem and death.

One of the fringe benefits of being all-powerful.

Helloooo Newman: Bilingual

Helloooo Newman: Bilingual: It's a sad fact of history that the Emoji civilization died out. But I'm glad they left their sophisticated language for us to di...

Bilingual

It's a sad fact of history that the Emoji civilization died out. But I'm glad they left their sophisticated language for us to discover. Knowing Emoji and English makes me bilingual, and really increase my chances at getting a well-paying job.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: There's no such thing as a free will.

Musings and Woes

There's no such thing as a free will.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I bought a drum set so now I can play a drum roll just before every Google search gives me the results. It's a hoot. Really increase ...

Musings and Woes

I bought a drum set so now I can play a drum roll just before every Google search gives me the results. It's a hoot. Really increase the excitement. The stakes are higher. What will the first 300,000 results actually be? You never know. Try it.

Try searching for "blogs attempting to be funny". See what you get.

Drum roll please…



I try living in the moment, but it's always over before I get around to it. Moments need to be longer.



Most babies suffered from colic. I suffered from melon-colic.

Helloooo Newman: Tricks of the Trade

Helloooo Newman: Tricks of the Trade: Here's a fun trick. The next time you meet someone who suffered head trauma that caused amnesia, tell them you were there for them the...

Tricks of the Trade

Here's a fun trick.

The next time you meet someone who suffered head trauma that caused amnesia, tell them you were there for them the whole time they lost their memory.

They'll say, "Hmmm, I don't remember that", and you'll say, "Of course not. The doctor said that would happen."

You can even add in things like, "Can I have my $500 back?", or "When's that trip to Paris you promised?"

Helloooo Newman: De-Ceased

Helloooo Newman: De-Ceased: Isn't "deceased" the wrong word for being dead? To de-cease means to stop being ceased, or to have the cease removed from...

De-Ceased

Isn't "deceased" the wrong word for being dead? To de-cease means to stop being ceased, or to have the cease removed from your body.

To all those deceased out there, congratulations, you're still alive. You owe back taxes.

The proper word is "ceased".

"That poor Paul, he ceased a long time ago. And his blog ceased long before that."

Helloooo Newman: Dancing with the Stars

Helloooo Newman: Dancing with the Stars: You know that Dancing with the Stars is all fake, right? They're dance-syncing — just like the mealy-mouthed lip-syncer.

Dancing with the Stars

You know that Dancing with the Stars is all fake, right? They're dance-syncing — just like the mealy-mouthed lip-syncer.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It ain't raining 'til it's raining.

Musings and Woes

It ain't raining 'til it's raining.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Normally beer goes straight to me head. But with the success of Helloooo Newman, all this fame has gone straight to my head. I'm drunk ...

Musings and Woes

Normally beer goes straight to me head. But with the success of Helloooo Newman, all this fame has gone straight to my head. I'm drunk on genius.

Helloooo Newman: Cold as Ice

Helloooo Newman: Cold as Ice: I bought a bag of ice the other day. I left it out on the counter, damn stuff melted, so I returned it. They wouldn't even replace the...

Cold as Ice

I bought a bag of ice the other day. I left it out on the counter, damn stuff melted, so I returned it. They wouldn't even replace the bag, or give me a refund. Bums. Customer service is dead.