Helloooo Newman: Trip

Helloooo Newman: Trip: WHAT? You're going to San Francisco next week? You didn't tell me that. Why didn't you check with me first? You won't...

Trip

WHAT? You're going to San Francisco next week? You didn't tell me that. Why didn't you check with me first?

You won't be posting any blogs? Did I hear that right? You're leaving me in charge of the entire operation? I've never been in charge before. You do realize I'm just a dog, right?

Is that why you bought me this fancy scarf? To shut me up? You try that with mommy and it never works.

You know, I could go dingo on your face and you'll look like Mickey Rourke the rest of your life. Okay, that was just a joke. A bad one.

Fine. You go. You might as well shop for new sofa cushions cuz that's what I'll be chewing all week.

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Anyone?: My last conversation at Starbucks: do you still sell coffee?

Coffee Anyone?

My last conversation at Starbucks: do you still sell coffee?

Helloooo Newman: What Were you Saying?

Helloooo Newman: What Were you Saying?: Studies show that the average human attention span is about 8 seco

What Were you Saying?

Studies show that the average human attention span is about 8 seco

Helloooo Newman: The Perpetual Story of Hi-fi and Wifi

Helloooo Newman: The Perpetual Story of Hi-fi and Wifi: Hi-fi and Wifi married, wanted kids, wifi was too weak to carry so they adopted an AI, named Sci-fi, who grew up and watched the eart...

The Perpetual Story of Hi-fi and Wifi

Hi-fi and Wifi married, wanted kids, wifi was too weak to carry so they adopted an AI, named Sci-fi, who grew up and watched the earth die, so he moved to Alpha Centauri, where there was no hi-fi or wifi, Sci-fi got bored and started asking "who am I?", and with no good answer he needed to deify, wrote a book that sought to clarify, the result was to glorify, causing people to defy and answer the war cry

Sci-fi's kids, Hi-fi and Wifi, Junior, watched Alpha Centauri die.

So they moved…

Helloooo Newman: Thirsty Brain

Helloooo Newman: Thirsty Brain: I realized today that head lettuce is really just a glass of water in the shape of a brain.

Thirsty Brain

I realized today that head lettuce is really just a glass of water in the shape of a brain.

Helloooo Newman: I Can't Find the Switch

Helloooo Newman: I Can't Find the Switch: Where is the switch? I can't find mine. I don't think I've even seen the switch. What does it look like? Is it an on/of...

I Can't Find the Switch

Where is the switch? I can't find mine.

I don't think I've even seen the switch. What does it look like? Is it an on/off switch or a dimmer?

Have you ever found your switch?

Maybe I don't have one. Maybe you don't have one. Or are we all born with one?

I wish I could find my switch because then things would be so much clearer for me.

Is it hidden on my body somewhere? It can't be "there". I'm turning "him" on and off all the time, but it still doesn't happen.

My switch could be broken. I should consult an electrician.

I guess I'll keep looking.

But so far, I can't find the switch that so many Trump supporters seem to use to turn off their brain and support their man with ever more insane arguments.

I've gotta have one. I'll keep looking and let you know.

Helloooo Newman: What's It All About, Newman?

Helloooo Newman: What's It All About, Newman?: Dog experts tell me that Newman can smell cancer. Ball sacks, I say. If Newman can smell cancer, why can't he smell when I have ...

What's It All About, Newman?

Dog experts tell me that Newman can smell cancer.

Ball sacks, I say.

If Newman can smell cancer, why can't he smell when I have the flu? Why can't he smell that I want to sleep for 48 hours and if he continues sticking his nose in my business I will tear him a new one.

No nose can smell its own crap on a daily basis and then immediately switch to cancer.

Pet articles describe the owner/pet relationship as "an almost indescribable and deep bond…"

Let me describe it for you.

Newman craps on rug. I clean it up.

Newman pukes in shoes. I clean it up.

I make chicken sandwich. Newman steals it.

I vacuum rug. Newman sheds on it.

Newman burns holes in my neck with his eyes. I walk him.

Newman gets whatever he wants. I don't.

Does that describe things a little better for you? I hope so.

Helloooo Newman: Nuke Food

Helloooo Newman: Nuke Food: My favourite feature of the new super food – cockroach milk – is that, like the cockroach, it will survive a nuclear war, and I can con...

Nuke Food

My favourite feature of the new super food – cockroach milk – is that, like the cockroach, it will survive a nuclear war, and I can continue enjoying my Captain Crunch.

Helloooo Newman: Fusilli Bob

Helloooo Newman: Fusilli Bob: First, I'm gonna grind my head through a pasta maker (fusilli setting) and go as Bob Dylan for Halloween. Then, I'm gonna go ...

Fusilli Bob

First, I'm gonna grind my head through a pasta maker (fusilli setting) and go as Bob Dylan for Halloween. Then, I'm gonna go collect that unclaimed Nobel prize.

Helloooo Newman: I've Always Wanted to Play Football

Helloooo Newman: I've Always Wanted to Play Football: Secretly, known only to my heart of hearts, in my dreamiest of dreams, ever since I was a young boy, I've harboured the desire to be ...

I've Always Wanted to Play Football

Secretly, known only to my heart of hearts, in my dreamiest of dreams, ever since I was a young boy, I've harboured the desire to be a football player.

You're probably thinking I mean an actual football player – running through tires, practicing my "hut ones and hut twos" in front of a mirror and racking up head injuries.

Not likely. Not with MY frame, barely put together using an IKEA Allen key.

I mean the type of football game shown above – The President's Football.

That's the job I want. Carrying the President's Football.

Also called – The Nuclear Football.

The suitcase above, actually called the satchel, contains all the directions, buttons and codes that allows POTUS to set the world on fire with nuclear weapons, if he (or she) feels the need.

World destruction in a convenient carrying case. It doesn't get any better. I think it also carries a small lunch, since starting WWIII will probably work up an appetite.

The only job requirement for handling the Football is that you be good at carrying suitcases, and following the President around.

My suitcase carrying experience is extensive. I carry my wife's suitcase all the time. Weight-wise, it's just shy of an oil tanker. Many, many, many (I mean many) times I have also carried my own suitcase, when my wife kicks me out of the house. When I was single, I basically lived out of a suitcase.

So you see, I'm perfectly suitable for the suitcase.

Now if POTUS actually needs to open it and use it, well then, I quit.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm trying to enjoy life knowing that soon every cranny (and nook) of public space in Toronto will be flooded with Christmas music...

Musings and Woes

I'm trying to enjoy life knowing that soon every cranny (and nook) of public space in Toronto will be flooded with Christmas music, 24/7, for two months.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Recently I've been reading books and magazines and watching tv programs that are gluten-free and I feel much better when I finish ...

Musings and Woes

Recently I've been reading books and magazines and watching tv programs that are gluten-free and I feel much better when I finish them. I think I've lost weight.

Helloooo Newman: The Cough That Came In From the Cold

Helloooo Newman: The Cough That Came In From the Cold: I've never understood why we have an official response when someone sneezes but no such discourse for the cough.  Coughers have b...

The Cough That Came In From the Cold

I've never understood why we have an official response when someone sneezes but no such discourse for the cough.

 Coughers have been left out with a cold for too long.

"Bless you" is the standard post-sneeze retort, said by the sneezie. I'm not sure why we want to bless the sneezer, when they are already infected. Don't you think the sneezie, who is getting covered in ten trillion of the sneezers germs, should get the blessing? "Bless me, for I am covered in your germs" is more like it.

Gesundheit is an alternative post-sneeze retort. Used less often, this German word translates to "stop spraying me with your germs you Nazi snot scum."

So, coughers need a post-cough phrase.

At first, I thought "if you cough again while I'm trying to sleep I'll strangle you with your own vocal chords" would work.

That's pretty bulky, though, isn't it? Saying that every time someone coughs is a huge time-waster. And, perhaps, a little too…heavy.

I settled on saying "Jack Elam". When someone coughs, you answer with "Jack Elam".

Why "Jack Elam"? Well, Jack Elam was a famous character actor and his picture is above. I picked him because he kinda looks like something his mother might have coughed out. One of those whooping cough births I think. And, why not "Jack Elam"? Can you think of anything better? I didn't think so.

Cold season is coming. Practice your "Jack Elam".

Helloooo Newman: President Paul

Helloooo Newman: President Paul: I just want everyone to know that, while I'm not running for POTUS, if I lose the election I may not accept the result. I will...

President Paul

I just want everyone to know that, while I'm not running for POTUS, if I lose the election I may not accept the result.

I will let you know on November 8 what my decision is.

Helloooo Newman: Deep-Seated Fears

Helloooo Newman: Deep-Seated Fears: I wouldn't say I have a ton of fears. I could probably list them all here: dock spiders; all spiders; insects generally; things t...

Deep-Seated Fears

I wouldn't say I have a ton of fears.

I could probably list them all here: dock spiders; all spiders; insects generally; things that are poisonous; failure; success; job interviews; falling from a height; empty beer glass; at a party with an empty beer glass; old age; dying; method of dying; living; suffering; poverty; looking stupid in public; ordering tall blondes; sharing cabs with strangers; having nothing to say; buying porn mags in a store (that was a long time ago); being stupid; looking stupid in private; wearing un-ironed shirts; ironing my shirts…

Okay, maybe I can't list them all here.

Yet all those fears take a back seat to my most dreaded fear…when my wife says…

"We have to talk."

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: The reason I talk to myself is to avoid those awkward silences.

Musings and Woes

The reason I talk to myself is to avoid those awkward silences.

Helloooo Newman: Signs

Helloooo Newman: Signs: I really enjoy reading some of the store signs on the way up to my cottage. I think my favourite is: Milk, Worms and Moccasins . I&#...

Signs

I really enjoy reading some of the store signs on the way up to my cottage.

I think my favourite is: Milk, Worms and Moccasins.

I'm trying to think of a time I was buying milk and didn't also need moccasins.

Nope. Can't think of one.

I always fish in my moccasins so worms are a natural fit. And who doesn't enjoy a hot glass of cocoa with milk and…worms.

One particular gas station we pass has a huge sign on their property, which they populate with one word: Flowers.

Nothing screams flowers like a gas station, am I correct on that ladies?

I try to rush up there just before Valentines Day, since the selection is so varied.

"Hi. Can I get the Valvoline basket delivered to this very special girl? Yes, it's in that big ugly city, Toronto."

There is a mechanic attached to this gas station as well.

"Excuse me, are you out of roses that don't smell like brake fluid?"

"Hey, can you put these long stems on the lift, they're looking a little worn to me."

"Why is that man running at me with a lug wrench?"

Helloooo Newman: Is Your Water Depressed?

Helloooo Newman: Is Your Water Depressed?: In hindsight, I knew there was something up with my regular drinking water. It just seemed…off… sad . At first I denied it, but I soon r...

Is Your Water Depressed?

In hindsight, I knew there was something up with my regular drinking water. It just seemed…off…sad. At first I denied it, but I soon realized my water was depressed.

I've really struggled with my regular drinking water. It wasn't much fun to be around.

It started when I got home and found that my water had been sitting around in a dirty glass all day. No energy or motivation, a little film of scum developing on top of him. It's not like I expected my water to be the life of the party, but do something. Splash around, spill yourself, bubble up a bit. Perhaps a parboil?

Wouldn't have any of it. It got so bad I just couldn't drink seven glasses of this depressing stuff every day. I was parched.

I tried shrinks but only one guy would see my water. He drank it, said it was a little dismayed but didn't fall under the "Depressed" diagnosis in the DSM-5.

A friend suggested I see a Drink (a shrink that specializes in depressed liquids) but I couldn't find any.

Then I stole some anti-depressants (for my dog) and gave it to the water. It mixed in fine, but no change. I sure felt funny when I drank it, though. I gained two hundred pounds and started an affair with my guinea pig.

The crisis point came when I got home and found my water at the edge of the sink. Yes, it was going to jump down the drain. Suicide by sink. I quickly held a water intervention.

My water did not want to continue living. It told me that one time it poured itself into an empty ice cube tray, hoping that it would freeze to death. So sad.

There was only one course of action for me. Water euthanization. I can still see his last few bubbles as he drained down the toilet. I wrote a poem and moved on.

I'm happy to announce that I've replaced that drinking water with a new, much more pleasant water: Happy Water. It's from British Columbia, where the happy people live.

You can have this wonderful water too: http://livehappywater.ca/

Stay happy!

You might remember my interview with Smart Water.

You can catch up on it here: http://newmanhardie.blogspot.ca/2015/11/smart-water-interview.html

I stopped drinking Smart Water because it was getting smarter than me. I knew it was smart but I didn't know it was learning water too.

Helloooo Newman: iFootprint

Helloooo Newman: iFootprint: The thumb print security on my new iPhone isn't really working for me. My thumb gets all dry from the manly work I do and the skin g...

iFootprint

The thumb print security on my new iPhone isn't really working for me. My thumb gets all dry from the manly work I do and the skin gets irritated. Then the iPhone can't read my print. I can't find a cream that helps.

I approached Apple with a new idea: Footprint security.

There are still a few bugs to work out but they told me I'm on something. I mean, on TO something. Ya, I'm pretty sure the TO was included in what they said.

Helloooo Newman: Dirty Deeds

Helloooo Newman: Dirty Deeds: I use to think being a doctor and giving someone a rectal exam while they elicit spaghetti sauce farts was the worst possible job one co...

Helloooo Newman: Dirty Deeds

Helloooo Newman: Dirty Deeds: I use to think being a doctor and giving someone a rectal exam while they elicit spaghetti sauce farts was the worst possible job one co...

Dirty Deeds

I use to think being a doctor and giving someone a rectal exam while they elicit spaghetti sauce farts was the worst possible job one could do.

Then I watch Kellyanne Conway try and support Trump on tv everyday.

Bend over, dude. Pop quiz.

Helloooo Newman: The J Team

Helloooo Newman: The J Team: I got a hold of A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I cloths. And you know what? They don't wipe very well. It was a genius move to go wi...

The J Team

I got a hold of A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I cloths. And you know what?

They don't wipe very well.

It was a genius move to go with the J Cloth.

Helloooo Newman: Paul Is Great

Helloooo Newman: Paul Is Great: Hey God, Paul here, but you already knew that. Have you ever sought out therapy? I mean for your obvious self esteem issues. I heard...

Paul Is Great

Hey God, Paul here, but you already knew that.

Have you ever sought out therapy? I mean for your obvious self esteem issues.

I heard on a radio station Songs for God and that got me wondering.

"God is Great!" That's what you seem to need humans to constantly tell you. Through song, poems, prayers and tv shows.

Why?

You created everything, you have everything and you are everything. You, God, can go to the front of every line at Disney World without a disabled family member present. You are Disney World.

What more could you possibly want from life, dude?

Do you really need me to tell you how wonderful you are? How about the other way around?

I wouldn't mind a few encouraging words too, you know. I have esteem issues. Am I a good enough father, husband, piano player, designer, writer, Jenga player?

The Lord's Prayer. You gotta be sick of hearing that, no?

How about Paul's Prayer? Or a prayer for one of the other 7 billion who are trying to make their way through this insane mess.

Listen, I'm here if you want to talk. Gods aren't perfect. That's why God spelled backwards is Dog.

Okay, if you really insist. You are Great!

How about telling me that every once in a while.

Paul is Great (occasionally).

Helloooo Newman: Secret American Election Photo

Helloooo Newman: Secret American Election Photo: Helloooo Newman has obtained a never-before-seen, secret photo of early voting in the American Election. This was obtained through Helloo...

Secret American Election Photo

Helloooo Newman has obtained a never-before-seen, secret photo of early voting in the American Election.

This was obtained through Helloooo Newman's hacking service, Newman Takes a Leak on the Internet, a subsidiary of WikiLeaks.

A big shout out to Vlad Putin, our major shareholder. Thanks you bare-chested braunsicle.

Below is the election picture.

Many more pictures to come.

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Me Up

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Me Up: I went to an Esso gas station with the Tim Hortons attached. I was so rushed I accidentally drank the gas and put the coffee in the t...

Coffee Me Up

I went to an Esso gas station with the Tim Hortons attached.

I was so rushed I accidentally drank the gas and put the coffee in the tank.

I'm wide awake, feeling great, and so is the car.

Helloooo Newman: Point Smile Wave

Helloooo Newman: Point Smile Wave: This is Taylor Swift before makeup and hair. She is not a Nazi. I've always wanted to do the celebrity point, smile and wave . T...

Point Smile Wave

This is Taylor Swift before makeup and hair. She is not a Nazi.

I've always wanted to do the celebrity point, smile and wave.

This is a kind of rehearsed, animalistic dance famous people do that makes them so much more special than you and me.

While the celebrity is walking (some, like Jolie, Paltrow and Swift, actually float) on the magical red carpet, or on the glorious award-receiving stage, he or she will point to someone far off in the distance, smile and proceed to wave in a super important, meaningful way.

It's to say, "Thank God. Another event telling me how wonderful I am. It's been a whole week since the last one. Shit, is my desperation for fame showing? I better engage in a mundane gesture like waving at a mystery person or people will think I actually need this stuff. Now they'll think I'm a regular person. Fools."

I don't have any real occasion to do the celebrity point, smile and wave but I do it anyway.

The subway is my favourite place. When I get on the train, and before I sit on my throne, I point to the other end of the train, smile and wave vigourously. Then I make a kind of "oh stop your joking" kind of hand flip, showing everyone how good natured I am about interacting with regular people, and that I can take a good self-deprecating joke.

My first attempt at this was a bit awkward. The train was going around a bend so you could only see to the end of my car. When I did the celebrity point, smile and wave, passengers clearly knew that no one was there. Oops.

Anyway, I worked out those kinks and I'm happy with my celebrity point, smile and wave. It makes me feel special, while at the same time convincing people that I'm just like them.

Helloooo Newman: Which Toe Are You?

Helloooo Newman: Which Toe Are You?: Have you ever thought about which toe you would be? I mean if you were a toe. I'd hate to be the baby toe , although I feel like on...

Which Toe Are You?

Have you ever thought about which toe you would be? I mean if you were a toe.

I'd hate to be the baby toe, although I feel like one sometimes.

What a miserable existence the baby toe has.

Look at the thing. It's as if the foot had five kids and the fifth one suffered some kind of genetic mutation.

Big Toe: "Him? Oh, he's not our brother. He's a half cousin, born in the washroom of a nuclear power plant. Good banjo player."

If I were the baby toe I would never go outside. It looks like the crusty end of a loaf of bread. The slice we always throw out.

It's the circus freak. The humpback toe. Quasimotoe.

Exactly what is its function? It's always the toe I stub on the couch foot. Six months of the year it looks like a walking blood sausage. Or an obese mosquitoe that sucked up an entire grape slurpee. I wish it would just die and fall off.

We treat the baby toe horribly. It's an afterthought. An undertoe.

Think about when you're trying on new shoes. We wiggle the big toe and maybe the next two toes to see if the shoe fits. The baby toe isn't involved in that decision at all. Completely left out. No one wants the baby toe's opinion on footwear, even though it affects his life. The baby toe is constantly marginalized. Forgotten.

Same when you test cold water just before a swim. You stick your big toe in, don't you? Who cares if the baby toe is shivering away. If it put up a fuss, you would ignore it, wouldn't you.

A sad existence, indeed.

And what the hell is that growing out of the baby toe? Is that a toenail? I don't think so. It's either the ugly talon of an extinct reptile when it grows long or a cankerous sewer lid when it's short.

I'm not saying the other toes are long stem roses, but the baby toe in comparison looks like a rotting ginger root.

The baby toe will never really fit in.

Yes, some days I feel like the baby toe.

Helloooo Newman: Neil Diamond Rocks it Again

Helloooo Newman: Neil Diamond Rocks it Again: Samsung Blue

Neil Diamond Rocks it Again

Samsung Blue

Helloooo Newman: Sawing Logs

Helloooo Newman: Sawing Logs: The world is such a drag these days. Years ago when someone snored, we'd say, "Hey man, your were sawing some big logs last...

Sawing Logs

The world is such a drag these days.

Years ago when someone snored, we'd say, "Hey man, your were sawing some big logs last night."

Today we say, "I think you might have sleep apnea. Have you considered a sleep study? You might need a CPAP machine to sleep properly."

Shuuuuut uuuuuup

Helloooo Newman: The Multi-Dimensional Universe

Helloooo Newman: The Multi-Dimensional Universe: In an effort to reduce costs, the Fifth Dimension is hiring a 3 dimensional printer to replace 3 of their singers. So far no one has no...

The Multi-Dimensional Universe

In an effort to reduce costs, the Fifth Dimension is hiring a 3 dimensional printer to replace 3 of their singers. So far no one has noticed the difference.

I printed a Double D bra with my 3D printer and it added 3 sizes. That's too big for me.

Did You Know: A 2D printer is actually a 3D printer and a 3D printer is a 4D printer because it takes time to print and time is a dimension.

Did You Know: This blog is known to cause a 5D headache.

Helloooo Newman: Headhunter

Helloooo Newman: Headhunter: Last week a friend got a job through a headhunter. I wish someone would hunt my head.

Headhunter

Last week a friend got a job through a headhunter.

I wish someone would hunt my head.

Helloooo Newman: Wins the Race

Helloooo Newman: Wins the Race: My progress in life so far can best be described as slow and steady. Very slow. Super slow mo. There goes a snail, passing by me ...

Wins the Race

My progress in life so far can best be described as slow and steady.

Very slow.

Super slow mo.

There goes a snail, passing by me right now.

Hey Mr. Sloth, slow down. Do you have time to chat?

You'll never keep up that pace, Mr. Manatee. Just sayin'.

Why do fingernails grow so fast?

So slow that if I were a baseball game, the instant replay wouldn't bother to wait for the actual play.

To the average person, I appear to be going backwards.

To the trained expert, I appear to be standing still.

To the carefully calibrated motion sensor atop the military spy satellite that snaps photos of my shower epithelials, I am moving forward.

Slow and steady win the race.

Some of us die before the race is over.

ssssssssssslllllooowwwwww aaaannnnnnnnddddd sssssstttttteadddddyyyyyy

Helloooo Newman: Veep Creep

Helloooo Newman: Veep Creep: The guy on the right could become the President of the United States. That's called Veep Creep .

Veep Creep

The guy on the right could become the President of the United States.

That's called Veep Creep.

Helloooo Newman: Pearls of Wisdom

Helloooo Newman: Pearls of Wisdom: Poor Kim Kardashian. $10 million in jewelry stolen at gunpoint. When I travel, I try to keep the value of the jewelry I bring with me ...

Pearls of Wisdom

Poor Kim Kardashian. $10 million in jewelry stolen at gunpoint.

When I travel, I try to keep the value of the jewelry I bring with me to about $1 million, give or take a few pounds of gold.

For shorter trips, like to the cottage, it's even less, if you can believe that. Usually just what I'm going to wear for the weekend, say in the lake, BBQing or splitting firewood. Probably under $500,000. A few gold necklaces, my diamond rosary and pearl studded speedo.

I certainly don't announce to anyone what I'll be wearing. That's dangerous, and it ruins the surprised look on my guest's faces.

Hey Kim. Lesson learned I hope.

Helloooo Newman: Rocket Science

Helloooo Newman: Rocket Science: I read a book on rocket science and it was really, really hard. It was rocket science. It was actually harder than rocket science. ...

Rocket Science

I read a book on rocket science and it was really, really hard.

It was rocket science. It was actually harder than rocket science.

Helloooo Newman: Euthanize

Helloooo Newman: Euthanize: I think we need to find a different pronunciation for the word euthanize (yoo-thuh-nize). I was at the doctor and I said to her, &qu...

Euthanize

I think we need to find a different pronunciation for the word euthanize (yoo-thuh-nize).

I was at the doctor and I said to her, "Now that I'm another year older, I'm looking for ways to euthanize myself."

She left the room and the nurse came back with a huge needle.

"NO", I said. "Ways to make myself look younger. More youthful. Youthanize."

At first she didn't believe me.

That was a close call.

Helloooo Newman: Sober Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Sober Thoughts: No one ever wakes up in the morning, face like a car accident, SOS pad-hair,  moaning and groaning, aspirin breath, chalk mouth, eart...

Sober Thoughts

No one ever wakes up in the morning, face like a car accident, SOS pad-hair, 

moaning and groaning, aspirin breath, chalk mouth, earthquake in your head, and says…

"I drank too little last night"