The Ultimate Password

One day I died and went to Heaven.

I was waiting patiently by the gates. As with everything in this world, there was a huge lineup. Thankfully there was plenty of comfortable seating and, of course, a Starbucks.

The Starbucks was very cool. All the latte's were topped with whipped cream that bespoke soft, bouncy clouds. Clever idea.

I finally made it to the counter.

Administrator: Password, please.

Me: Sorry?

Administrator: I am afraid "Sorry" does not register.

Me: No, I mean what password? I don't have a password.

Administrator: Everybody has a password. Did you not have an iPhone?

Me: Ah, yes, I did. "Boogersoup".

Administrator: Sorry?

Me: No, not "Sorry". "Boogersoup". That's my iPhone password.

Administrator: No, I need your Heaven password. And by the way, all Heaven passwords need to contain Pi to the first billion digits, the symbol of the crucifix, some water, some wine, an apple and a few nice words about God.

Me: I don't have a Heaven password. What the Hell is a Heaven password?

Administrator: You don't need a password for Hell, sir. You NEED a password to enter Heaven. Can I please have it?

Me: I don't remember picking a password to get into Heaven. I've had so many passwords and I forget them all the time. Can I pick a new password?

Administrator: You have to be alive to do that, sir. You are dead, and we can't just send you back again, now can we?

Me: No. I guess there's only one guy who gets to go back that way.

Administrator: That is right, sir. And looking at your questionable life, you are not him, that is for sure.

Me: Can I answer some security questions? I had to do that once for my Ashley Madison account.

Administrator: Well, it is unusual, but I guess so. Just a minute.

God: What seems to be the problem?

Administrator: This man lost his password and needs to answer his security questions to enter the Kingdom.

God: I see. Okay, sir. What was your favourite activity in life besides masturbating to the Victoria's Secret catalogue?

Me: Hmmm, nothing comes immediately to mind. Bowling? But that's a distant second.

God: Five pin or ten?

Me: Ahhhhmmm…five?

God: Ohhhhhh, no. That's wrong. Who is the most annoying, pathetic, lame-ass human being I have created in the last thousand centuries? This person's existence is the sole cause of the rise of atheism in the modern world.

Me: Ha, easy. Justin Bieber.

God: Mark that down as one right. Okay, final question. What does it all mean?

Me: Whoop-de-doo!

God: Ha. Nice try. Good movie, though.

Me: 42?

God: Are you taking this seriously?

Me: Yes. I have no frigging idea what it all means.

God: Me neither. Come on in.