High Pressure Jobs I Don't Want

I remember it like it was yesterday, but I'm talking about the early 80s.

I was discussing good career choices with a friend. I had my whole future ahead of me at the time and wanted to make the right decision.

Upon reflection, I'm lucky that I had my future ahead of me. I met someone who had their future behind them and it wasn't pretty.

He was always tense. Past tense.

He would always say, "If my past is in front of me, stop telling me to grow up."

Imagine having your past ahead of you. Running into old flings and bosses. Your whole life is a rerun. Groundhog Day!

Even your fortune cookie reminds you of your past. "You treated your last three girlfriends like trash. Way to go, jackass."

This guy was confused, uncertain and finally realized he was in the wrong universe.

"Where do I belong?", he asked me.

Go that way about 500 quintillion, zillion, trillion, billion, million miles and once you get to that point, keep going.

Einstein and Eastern mystics have both said that the past, present and future are illusions, and they all exist together at once. If this is true we'll definitely need a new subway line in Toronto?

If everything happens at once, then I'm confused. Here are some problems, as I see it, with that theory:

why can't I retire now?
then my soufflé is definitely over cooked
I'm returning my Apple Watch
I'm done with that 12-step program
do I still get peanuts on my flight?
why do we have pause buttons?
do I still need the Sports Illustrated calendar?
I feel full

NOTE: For a mind-bending take on future and past, read this:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/27/science/27side.html?_r=0

Anyway, my friend (not the one looking for a new universe) said injection moulding was going to be really big.

I had to admit, I hadn't given injection moulding the proper consideration.

The closest I ever got to injection moulding was using my waffle maker. I rather enjoyed putting all that goop in the mould, pressing down and burning the shit out of it. I would always pretend I was making something super important, like a crucial part for the space shuttle, but this part was unique because you could cover it in maple syrup and eat it.

I guess the biggest obstacle for me in work situations is I hate stress. Don't like working under pressure. Some might call me lackadaisical. I call it lack of talent.

This rules out a ton of jobs I could perform.

I certainly couldn't do the traditionally stressful jobs: air traffic controller, neurosurgeon, husband, father. But let's considers some of the less well known high pressure jobs. Jobs I would really hate to have.

Piano String: A job full of tension, to say the least. Always pulled in both directions. Who needs it? This is a job where you spend hours on end doing nothing – waiting, trying to stay in tune with things – and for what? To be hit with a hammer. It's like working while you're on the medieval rack. "I need to unwind. I use to b. Now I b flat."

Piano string: "If you play that song one more time, pal, I'm gonna strangle you."

Water: It's good for you, but boy I'd hate to be water for a living. While you may live in a nice house, you are constantly under a lot of pressure.

Husband: "Hey honey, we have no water pressure."

Water: "Give me a break. I'm on vacation. Drink beer, will ya."

Just like the piano string, you sit around all day under all that stress. When the pressure lessens, say a pipe bursts and you're all over the floor, your career goes down the drain. Or worse, someone drinks you and there goes your career in the toilet. No thanks.

Or you're sitting in a comfortable tray, warm and relaxed, finally out of that cramped cubicle called a pipe. Can water be claustrophobic? Then you're sent to the Arctic on special assignment.

I think I would only take the water job if I worked for Jesus. Then as a promotion He could turn me into wine. Now there's a prestigious job.

Blood: Crucial for life, but again, the pressure is too much for me. If I'm in the body of the average North American person, I'm under tons of pressure and squeezed by tons of fat. I can only hope the person cuts themselves with the kitchen knife so I get a little relief. Please, punch me so I can bleed through the nose.

Weather: For a while I thought it might nice to be weather for a living. People are always talking about you. And you get to choose between two jobs – high pressure and low pressure. I would take the low pressure job, obviously. But then I'm raining or snowing all the time. I'm depressed. People hate me. I'm always spoiling their weekends. I might as well work as a flu bug who shows up for the weekend. At least then I get to sleep all day.

Tires: This is a job where I dare not tread. Unless I was a flat tire. You have CAA? Oh no. I'm just spinning my wheels in this job.

Diamond: This is one high pressure job I could get into. Women love you. You're net worth is very high. Sure, you have to get through the first 20 million years of sitting in the earth being crushed by billions of tons of rock. I'm just not sure I could cut it in this position.