Well, now I feel really connected to the universe.

I was on LinkedIn the other day and I got a message from God. He wants to connect with me.

Oh my God…I mean, "Him", I said to myself. It's the cosmic CEO. Strange picture on His profile, though. Jerry Lewis as the Nutty Professor. Irony? Symbolism? I just can't pin this guy down.

A sudden rush of dread flooded my body. Why me? He'll see how lame my career has been. I've never recovered from the time He found out that I lived at home until I was 29.

Then it occurred to me. Wait a minute. Look at His resume. Talk about gaps in the job history.

Scientists figure the universe is about 12 billion years old. That means God's single biggest project (The Big Bang) took place a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. His next biggest work achievement, Mankind, only really got going about 7 million years ago.

By the way, God doesn't refer to the birth of the universe as The Big Bang. He calls it the "Mishap". He was practicing His water-into-wine trick, used the wrong chemicals and the whole thing blew up in His face. He was too embarrassed to say anything. He only invented Man to make it look intentional.

So what in the universe was He doing all that time between the Bang and Man? As far as I can tell, He doesn't fill any of this massive interim with interesting hobbies or charity work.

Then it occurred to me. He must know I'm looking for work. Maybe He wants to hire me.

That scared me even more. Let's face it, His past employees don't have the most impressive records.

Would you have taken the position of "Jesus"? Obviously when Jesus responded to the job ad, he was lied to.

Jesus: Excuse me, God? When I applied for this job you said I would be a carpenter, working with wood, nails and a hammer.

God: Yes, that sounds right.

Jesus: Well, you never mentioned I'd be nailed to a wooden cross with my own hammer. Maybe that's why I was the only one to apply.

God. Listen, buddy. You're lucky to have a job. Most people these days spend their life fighting for food or being raped, living and dying in their own feces. Now if you have a problem, take it up with HR. I'm trying to run a very large company here. And I'm trying to take it public. Do you know how many universes I have to compete with? Ya, I know I'm ranting. And if you think this will affect my bonus, think again.

Jesus: Okay, but look at it from my point of view. The reason I applied for the position of "Jesus" is that my name happens to be Jesus. It's the perfect fit, I thought. But then you go and give the arc job to Noah. Did you forget I'm the carpenter?

God: Okay, why don't you go back to earth and we'll try it again?

Jesus: The second coming? Not thanks. My hands and feet are still healing. Can we talk about the health benefits you don't offer?