God

As I get older I think a lot about God.

He doesn't think much about me, but that's okay. He must be awfully busy these days – what with ISIS and Ebola on the run and the bloody TTC being closed every weekend for repairs.

I'm often reminded of that song, which asked the question, "what if God was one of us?"

What would it look like if God were a regular dude, like you and me?

Take the universe, for example. He owns it, right? I wonder if there's a mortgage on it? I figure there must be and all His money is going to pay it off, amortized over infinity, of course.

That's why He has no money to fix things up. Not only are perfectly good stars exploding all over the place, but my George Foreman grill broke its leg the first time I cooked bacon on it. Shoddy work if you ask me.

It's possible He didn't create the universe, but rather bought it as a fixer-upper. DIY universe. No wonder we can't find any other life around. Would you buy here voluntarily? I'm just renting, thank you.

Hey God, you can start the reno anytime now. We won't mind the dust.

This might explain global warming. Poor humans – we think we're responsible for it. It's all God's work. A kind of neighbourhood improvement plan. To make the universe more pleasant for seadoos and tanning. You know, for resale.

I know God inspired the Apostles to write the Bible, but did He ever read it before going to press?

It says no man shall ever lie beside another. Does that include camping? It can get pretty tight in those popup tents. I faced that dilemma once with bunk beds. Clearly I was on top of a man. That must be worse!

Maybe He meant no man shall lie to another man – about the size of his penis.

He also makes greed a sin. Oh, really? Did He ever have a daughter in braces? I think a little greed is gonna help me eat today.

What would God's personal life be like? Does He vacation? If so, where? He's already everywhere. That limits your options for a good time.

As you can see, the more I think about God the more confused I get.

But at least I do know with certainty that He exists, thanks to Apple. Every time I type in "god" on my iphone, the spelling guy automatically capitalizes the "G". So I guess I'll go with – Dude.

Very respectful, indeed.