You have no business evolving

The inconvenient thing about dogs, and I believe I've covered this in an earlier blog, is that they poop.

Even throughout the winter. I've tried to get Newman to hold off on pooping from about January 15 until April 10th. I tried to stop feeding him but then he just eats shoes.

The problem with Newman pooping (in our backyard) throughout the winter is that the poop freezes in successive layers until it's time for me to clean up all that crap using 5 or 6 wheelbarrows in April.

Why don't I pick the poop up throughout the winter so it doesn't build up, you ask? So you're suggesting I pick up poop, freeze my ass off, get covered in ice AND have large trees fall on me? Balls!

I'd rather get my haircut by ISIS. Just a little off the top, please. No, that's not a yarmulke, it's a cloth hairpiece.

Anywho, when I start the cleanup in April, my backyard very much resembles an archaeological site.

I get out the hammer and chisel and very carefully chip out a piece of poop that froze low in the ice, meaning it froze sometime between Dec 15-28, early in the freezing cycle.

I put a little flag in the ice, marking this important find.

One time, and this scared me immensely, I found a piece of poop in the distinct shape an arrow head.

Quite disturbing. Is Newman evolving? Is he hunting wild animals in the backyard and feeding himself?

It's only a matter of time before he reaches the bronze age. Before you know it, I'll be the one sitting and shaking a paw, drinking from the toilet.

I'm the master of the house, not Newman.

I know Newman has a lot of my genes in him because he's so damn cute.

But this is ridiculous.

Stay tuned to find out who the real master is.