Helloooo Newman: Black Holes

Helloooo Newman: Black Holes: Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's p...

Black Holes

Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's purses that escaped earth's gravitational pull.

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning: Thank God for those heat warnings, eh? Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I fel...

Heat Warning

Thank God for those heat warnings, eh?

Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I felt like the sun had puked all over my body. The wax in my ear instantly melted and formed a weird candle.

Still, I couldn't be totally sure it was hot out. It felt hot, and in circumstances similar to this one I usually use my 5 senses to figure things out, but I had to be sure. I needed confirmation from a trusted body of people whose job it is to measure these things. The warning confirmed it.

Now I could confidently go out into the world knowing that it is fucking hot out.

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering: Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Electionsneering

Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated: I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. That's probably why he's so angry...

Never X-Rated

I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. He might lose more than his sight. That's probably why he's so angry all the time.

Helloooo Newman: Olympic Jar Opening

Helloooo Newman: Olympic Jar Opening: I came across a really tough jar lid the other day. Bot, they make them tight these days. Using every muscle from my neck to my ankles, I go...

Olympic Jar Opening

I came across a really tough jar lid the other day. Bot, they make them tight these days. Using every muscle from my neck to my ankles, I got it open. Jesus C., I thought, I'm strong.

Then I watched the rings event in the Olympics. I realized I'm about as strong as an overcooked asparagus tip.

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery: Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.

Space, The Final Delivery

Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight: I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn'...

Punching Above His Weight

I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn't that be more fun than reducing the nuclear stockpile?

Should she play the next Joker?

Helloooo Newman: Bands

Helloooo Newman: Bands:  I hear Jesus was a big fan of Nine Inch Nails.

Bands

 I hear Jesus was a big fan of Nine Inch Nails.

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words: It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "li...

Magical Words

It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "life" is "if". And dog spelled backwards is god. 

Check this out. The word "Norsemen" contains the word "semen". 

Spooky.

Helloooo Newman: Free Will

Helloooo Newman: Free Will:  Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.

Free Will

 Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty: Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees r...

Bathing Beauty

Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees release all these neat chemicals that are good for our brains.

I prefer when it was cheaper, back when we called it "going outside".

Helloooo Newman: Options

Helloooo Newman: Options: You know what's wrong with today's world? Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering. My new dishwasher comes wit...

Options

You know what's wrong with today's world?

Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering.

My new dishwasher comes with an "extra dry" option. What?

I want my dishes dry. Non-wet. Lacking moisture. Void of H20. Instead I got the martini setting. Gobi Desert dishes coming up.

Hey honey, what are you doing with these dishes? They're sooo dry. Is it okay if I put food on them?

I never got any complaints about my last dishwasher. Jesus, man, did you do these dishes in the shower? They're soaked.

Thing cost $1000. How about a button that says "cheaper dishwasher".

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice: As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice. By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn...

No Political Advice

As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice.

By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn't either!

I will not vote for Doug Ford, and I will not do it with overwhelming glee. A vote for Doug Ford is a vote for Forrest Gump after having swallowed a few thousand boxes of chocolate on that park bench, chocolate chart and all.

Alas, a non-vote isn't punishment enough. I'm getting Doug the Slug a Peloton for Christmas. Imagine how his bulbous mass will recoil from the exercise equipment, much like a python from fire, after having swallowed 2 fawns whole and digesting it for ten years. Sound like someone we know?

This is not political advice that you should not follow.

Helloooo Newman: mRNA

Helloooo Newman: mRNA: The incredible work of the new mRNA technology is actually a world wonder. It's behind one of the most successful vaccines ever develope...

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis: I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they ...

Praying Mantis

I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they go unanswered. Just like us pathetic humans.

I wouldn't doubt there's some atheist mantises out there. A few might be agnostic. They just don't get any press.

Routine

Routine. They say it's good for you. Keeps you centered.

I don't know about you, but my routine now includes checking to see what Doug Ford will allow me to do this week.

The list is growing, which is so exciting. 

Yup. Sip of coffee. Doug Ford's rules. 

Keeps me centered.

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution: The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day. You will not be cancelled. Not even yo...

UN Resolution

The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day.

You will not be cancelled. Not even your cable.

Also, it's the long weekend, Ontario. In case it slips your mind, stay inside and do nothing.

You wanna do something? Go to the US.

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment: I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction. Looking for investors. Interested?

Business Investment

I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction.

Looking for investors. Interested?

Helloooo Newman: Home Sweet Money

Helloooo Newman: Home Sweet Money: My daughter's old Barbie house sold for way over asking on Kijiji. And only one bathroom. What a crazy house market. 

Home Sweet Money

My daughter's old Barbie house sold for way over asking on Kijiji. And only one bathroom. What a crazy house market. 

Helloooo Newman: Fordified Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Fordified Ontario: I rest easy at night knowing that Doug the Slug is keeping Ontario safe. The best way to do that is to fine people for being inside and outs...

Fordified Ontario

I rest easy at night knowing that Doug the Slug is keeping Ontario safe.

The best way to do that is to fine people for being inside and outside. Police have charged four people for driving in a car together. Not fair. As the weather gets warmer, I would like to have a pool, and if a car pool is my only option, why punish me?

The good news is you can't be fined for being beside yourself, unless you have split personality and there's more than 5 of you.

Physics tells us that if you're not inside, you're outside. But that's illegal too. The other day I was fined for golfing. I pleaded with the judge. Fortunately because it was mini-golf, the fine was smaller.

The judge and I had a laugh about how difficult the shot is around the windmill. He uses a wedge but I use a driver. Different strokes for different folks, I say. Good thing I was driving alone.

Helloooo Newman: Sock it to me

Helloooo Newman: Sock it to me:  I wish my feet were where my hands are. Would be so much easier to put my socks on.

Sock it to me

 I wish my feet were where my hands are. Would be so much easier to put my socks on.

Helloooo Newman: Grass Fed Up

Helloooo Newman: Grass Fed Up: What's the big deal with grass-fed beef? I can't imagine cows enjoy it. If I lived the life they did, I would for sure want to enjoy...

Grass Fed Up

What's the big deal with grass-fed beef? I can't imagine cows enjoy it. If I lived the life they did, I would for sure want to enjoy a juicy steak from time to time. With some frites. Especially if I'm on a farm in Paris.

Besides, I think cows should use their own product if they're going to sell it. Remember the Hair Club for Men commercials. The President wasn't just the President. He was a client too.

Cows should eat beef every once in a while. I'm more likely to eat them if they do.

Helloooo Newman: Tim Horton Hears a Poop

Helloooo Newman: Tim Horton Hears a Poop: Tried the new Tim Hortons dark blend. Made me think about their contest - roll up the toilet rim to win - is that what it's called?

Tim Horton Hears a Poop

Tried the new Tim Hortons dark blend. Made me think about their contest - roll up the toilet rim to win - is that what it's called?

Helloooo Newman: Zoom Meeting

Helloooo Newman: Zoom Meeting: Shit, I was stopped by a cop yesterday. Said I was going way too fast, just zoomed by him. Not my fault. I was in a Zoom meeting. He bought it.

Zoom Meeting

Shit, I was stopped by a cop yesterday. Said I was going way too fast, just zoomed by him.

Not my fault. I was in a Zoom meeting.

He bought it.

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12: Oh, you're wondering about the title, right? That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that? It's pronoun...

Oh, you're wondering about the title, right?

That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that?

It's pronounced…

X Æ A-12

They were going to call him Dave but were afraid other kids would make fun of him.

He's doing very well. He can go up to ten steps on every charge (5 steps on stairs) and poops lithium, which keeps the diaper count down.

They were hoping for a Model X baby but a defect in the manufacturing process gave them a S Model.

He will also raise himself, unless something goes wrong and his entire life crashes and burns.

Good luck, Elon and baby.

Helloooo Newman: Borderline

Helloooo Newman: Borderline: Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the varian...

Borderline

Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the variant arrives here, he'll make a decision.

To quote the great Madonna – you just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

Meanwhile, we all feel better after Ford's tearful apology. Finally, he's brining in paid sick leave. Please feel free to use this yourself, Doug.

Are you mortified? No, You're Fordified.