The Partly Fake News

Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine

Calls Putin a weakling

War ends!

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto: The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto. Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American ci...

Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto.

Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American city for gun crime and random subway stabbings. Think of all the actors this will employ.

Hear that noise? That's the Canadian content police partying away. They're the ones who insisted that Law & Order: Toronto be filmed in Toronto. Rules, rules, rules.

In the first episode, a mass casualty event. 

24 people die waiting in traffic on the QEW. 

There's a football game, a baseball game, a Raptors game, a Leaf game, a Bruce Cockburn concert, a bike race in all the bike lanes and a gaggle of Metrolinx employees building an LRT under Lake Ontario because they got lost.

The police, busy counting the extra money they just got from Toronto, take extra time to respond. 

The lawyers, busy prosecuting comedians for telling inappropriate jokes, don't even hear the Dum Dum at the beginning of the show.

Future episodes: 

ArriveCan: Dead on arrival

Metrolinx: The 11 year crime

I predict 200 seasons.

The road less traveled, because it's not built

Look, mom. No roads

The Liberal party of Canada has a new "plan" for Canada.

We gathered a random group of Canadian toddlers, future voters, to ask what they think of the Liberal's new "plan".

The plan: Lots of money for electric cars and batteries. Force people to buy electric cars. Grow the country by millions of people. No more money for roads. More money to $80,000 app, developed for $60 million.

Here's what the toddlers said:

Jimmie: I like flying cars. Are they flying cars?

Carla: This sounds like the mess I just made in my diapers.

Nigel: My daddy likes to swear and drive in the bike lane. Will this mean less swearing?

Timmy: My baby carriage. Will it be electric?

Miranda: I once threw up 60 million peas.

Nuban: Socioeconomically speaking, the transfer of populations across the earth makes sense and is, in some ways, a natural occurrence. Just like when the first hominids ventured out of Africa so long ago. And ontologically speaking, humans are, in the core of their being, curious and adventurous animals. But the need for critical infrastructure to support these migrations are of supreme importance. Hopefully the right decisions will be made.

Nuban is in the gifted program.

There you have it, folks. The first reactions to the Liberal plan for the great nation of Canada. 

How will these toddlers vote when they are of age? Will they move? We can only guess.

With such common sense analysis, I'm ready to vote them in now.

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash: I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow.  Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Super Bowlderdash

I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow. 

Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known: We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am . In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum . Rene had a little-known bro...

brother of a greater known

We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am. In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum.

Rene had a little-known brother.

Al a Cartes.

He wrote in the bathroom of a diner, I think I'll have the soup, burger and Boston creme pie, therefore I am hungry.

In the Latin, that's muchiesito, ergo fullum.

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation: Economists have confirmed it. Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry. Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penis...

Pornflation

Economists have confirmed it.

Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry.

Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penises and boobies.

Have you noticed?

* still searching for a picture for this one

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre: The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger. Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because...

Blinded by the Science Centre

The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger.

Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because it was there when you were a kid.

I want a beer store in my backyard and a brothel in my bedroom, but I don't have that, do I?

Put a diaper in it.

Helloooo Newman: and the Oscar goes to…

Helloooo Newman: and the Oscar goes to…: Hopefully the supreme court will rule soon on who exactly should have been nominated from Barbie .

and the Oscar goes to…

Hopefully the supreme court will rule soon on who exactly should have been nominated from Barbie.

Helloooo Newman: Back to basics

Helloooo Newman: Back to basics: It's back to basics for kindergarten in Ontario. From climate change, gender politics and rewriting history to poopy pants, telling on y...

Back to basics

It's back to basics for kindergarten in Ontario.

From climate change, gender politics and rewriting history to poopy pants, telling on your friends and running in the yard. It will be a hard adjustment for our children.

Also, no tobogganing in class.

Helloooo Newman: Twisted leader

Helloooo Newman: Twisted leader:   In case you didn't recognize her, this is Sophie Trudeau. Probably on that Jamaican beach that cost Justin $100,000 to stay for the we...

Twisted leader

 

In case you didn't recognize her, this is Sophie Trudeau. Probably on that Jamaican beach that cost Justin $100,000 to stay for the week over Christmas.

Sorry, he didn't actually pay for it. After first saying he did pay for it. Did you know some of his assistants had to stay at nice resorts near him? At taxpayer's expense! In case he needed his swimming trunks pressed. I applied for that job, but decided my efforts where better spent here helping Metrolinx build their subway. I figured I know as much about subway-building as they do.

Turns out Sophie is starting a new career as a yoga instructor. Her first client will be Justin. Apart from the health benefits, the best part of yoga is Justin learning to twist himself into all kinds of different shapes justifying to Canadians why he needs a week-long $100,000 vacation.

Joe Biden, who is currently risking his political ass using military might to keep all our Amazon orders freely flowing through the Red Sea, has not managed the time for a $100,000 week-long vacation. Oh, and the small feat of beating the world's number one terrorist. Trump.

It was Jane Austin who wrote, "it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife, and a $100,000 week-long vacation."

Okay. I added that last part. A quote from Pride and Prejudice, both of which Justin has. Remember the black face?

Justin is up on his resorts but down in the poles. Sorry, I meant polls. He's quite popular in the North and South poles polls, where no one has heard of him.

Anyway, I'm sure with a little effort and a very large can of Silvo, Justin will improve his tarnished reputation.

The future of $100,000 beach yoga is riding on it.

Helloooo Newman: Not funny ha ha

Helloooo Newman: Not funny ha ha: Any material you find on this site that's not funny was written by Jo Koy. If you book an appointment, Mr. Koy will come to your house a...

Not funny ha ha

Any material you find on this site that's not funny was written by Jo Koy.

If you book an appointment, Mr. Koy will come to your house and personally apologize for not making you laugh. 

You don't even have to say anything to him. Just purse your lips, a la Taylor Swift.

Mr. Koy will not be coy. He will blame me for the bad material.

But it's all his fault!

Helloooo Newman: The year of living expensively

Helloooo Newman: The year of living expensively: This is the Toronto homeowner answering the call of City Hall

The year of living expensively

This is the Toronto homeowner answering the call of City Hall

Helloooo Newman: In Freeland you get arrested

Helloooo Newman: In Freeland you get arrested: Keep smiling. Bigggggger.  See my teeth? Do that.   I was gonna ask Chrystia Freeland a question yesterday but was afraid I'd get arrest...

In Freeland you get arrested

Keep smiling. Bigggggger. 
See my teeth? Do that.

 

I was gonna ask Chrystia Freeland a question yesterday but was afraid I'd get arrested.

Just wanted to know why she doesn't own a car.

Then it hit me. She uses a taxpayer-funded chauffeur.

Oh shit. RCMP at the door.

Helloooo Newman: Forgetting Facebook

Helloooo Newman: Forgetting Facebook: You know that feature on Facebook that says you have a memory to look back on? That's so annoying. They should have a version for old pe...

Forgetting Facebook

You know that feature on Facebook that says you have a memory to look back on?

That's so annoying.

They should have a version for old people like me: you have no new memories to look back on because you're stinkin' old and can't form any new memories.

Go back to bed.

Helloooo Newman: How was your Christmas?

Helloooo Newman: How was your Christmas?: I hope ya'll had a good Christmas. I sure hope Justin Trudeau did. He definitely put in a good effort. He stayed at a $9500/night resort...

How was your Christmas?

I hope ya'll had a good Christmas.

I sure hope Justin Trudeau did. He definitely put in a good effort.

He stayed at a $9500/night resort in Jamaica. For 10 nights. For free.

Family friend.

It's a former slave plantation. 

Anyway, listen. We can all relax and enjoy 2024 more knowing that "Dundas" will be gone, due to its association with…um…slavery.

PS: It's an ugly rumour that Justin was in black face at this resort. Seems like people confused that with the black eye Sophie gave him.

Helloooo Newman: Booze-free January

Helloooo Newman: Booze-free January: Are you doing a booze-free January like all the other smart people? I am. That's why I'm visiting friends. For free booze. You'r...

Booze-free January

Are you doing a booze-free January like all the other smart people?

I am.

That's why I'm visiting friends. For free booze.

You're next!

Helloooo Newman: Fire Sale

Helloooo Newman: Fire Sale: For Sale Very depressed, gently used snow shovel Looking for work anywhere Bargain basement price, willing to travel to the South Pole

Fire Sale

For Sale

Very depressed, gently used snow shovel

Looking for work anywhere

Bargain basement price, willing to travel to the South Pole

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?: Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you? : The power's out?  Curiouser and curiouser All electric cars in Canada by 2035? I don't rememb...

Two-facedbook

I accidentally typed Facadebook and Farcebook in Google and it took me right to Facebook.

Hmmm…

Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?

Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?: The power's out?  Curiouser and curiouser All electric cars in Canada by 2035? I don't remember that part in Alice's Adventures ...

Alice? Is that you?

The power's out? 
Curiouser and curiouser

All electric cars in Canada by 2035?

I don't remember that part in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Helloooo Newman: Instead of LOL

Helloooo Newman: Instead of LOL: Instead of writing LOL, I love to write LoutL. It forces people to read it and do more work. And really bugs them. Try it. It's fun.

Instead of LOL

Instead of writing LOL, I love to write LoutL.

It forces people to read it and do more work. And really bugs them.

Try it. It's fun.

Helloooo Newman: And now…a word from our sponsor…

Helloooo Newman: And now…a word from our sponsor…: "GO FUCK YOURSELF" "GO FUCK YOURSELF" "GO FUCK YOURSELF" That was a word from Helloooo Newman's sole spons...

And now…a word from our sponsor…

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

That was a word from Helloooo Newman's sole sponsor, X

Thank you, Elon.

We appreciate your commitment to quality!

Helloooo Newman: All I Need

Helloooo Newman: All I Need: You know that song The Air That I Breath ? Been listening to that recently. The chorus goes: Sometimes…all I need is the air that I breath a...

All I Need

You know that song The Air That I Breath?

Been listening to that recently.

The chorus goes: Sometimes…all I need is the air that I breath and to love you.

So true! But the key word is sometimes.

Sometimes I also need a beer, onion rings and a Mars bar.

Other times…all I need is a beer, onion rings and a Mars bar.

Pretty catchy

Helloooo Newman: Labelled for life

Helloooo Newman: Labelled for life: I keep getting pictures like this in my Facebook feed. Weird. I typed "Bobs" in Google. I was looking for all the Bobs I know. I g...

Labelled for life

I keep getting pictures like this in my Facebook feed.

Weird. I typed "Bobs" in Google. I was looking for all the Bobs I know.

I guess, by accident, I typed "Boobs". Total freak accident.

One slip of the finger and a guy is labelled for life.

Unfair.

Helloooo Newman: zzzzz Expert

Helloooo Newman: zzzzz Expert: I went to see a sleep specialist last week. He was asleep the entire time. I never dreamed he'd be that good.

zzzzz Expert

I went to see a sleep specialist last week. He was asleep the entire time.

I never dreamed he'd be that good.

Helloooo Newman: Say goodbye to single-use condoms

Helloooo Newman: Say goodbye to single-use condoms: You know, I wasn't gonna vote Liberal next election. So many nonsensical things they are doing. But now! With the ban on single-use plas...

Say goodbye to single-use condoms

You know, I wasn't gonna vote Liberal next election. So many nonsensical things they are doing.

But now!

With the ban on single-use plastic, they are outlawing single-use condoms. 

Finally, some common sense.

I've been doing that for years.

Wash up, men. And women?

Helloooo Newman: Dogs in Heaven

Helloooo Newman: Dogs in Heaven: Lately I've been wondering why dog medications come in bottles with safety lids. Is the rate of dog suicide by overdose exploding? They ...

Dogs in Heaven

Lately I've been wondering why dog medications come in bottles with safety lids. Is the rate of dog suicide by overdose exploding?

They can't be meant for me. I don't eat poop, diapers and underwear and then have diarrhea for a week.

Vet: He's gone. An overdose. Looks like suicide.

Me: Suicide? How do you know?

Vet: He left a note

Dog: Dear family. By now you've learned the tragic news. Sorry, but you forced my paw. Leaving the toilet lid closed? I thought by following you into the bathroom 24/7 I was making it clear I want a drink. Instead, you flush the toilet and close the lid. You try going a night without a good slurp of waste water. And your shoes. I was sure that with so many of them, some had to be for me to chew. I did the math. Most of them you never wore. Those are the ones I chewed, and you still got mad.

Anyway, you did the best you could, I guess. I'm in dog heaven and it's nothing but open toilets. I hope you learn from this hard lesson and treat your next dog a lot better.