Yesterday, as I was drying my Neti Pot, I leafed through a book on the Middle Ages. Raping and pillaging – that's it. That's the entire Middle Ages, in between eating and sleeping. And they always went hand-in-hand. Rape, pillage, repeat.
Genghis Kahn and his band of Mongol marauders raped and pillaged as they swept through Europe.
But what about that lone Mongol who didn't quite fit in? For him, raping and pillaging didn't always go hand-on-hand.
Altan: Hey, Chuluun, me and the guys have been talking and, well, you're not pillaging enough.
Chuluun: Excuse me? I turn my back to pee and you're already gossiping?
Altan: Chill, man. It's just a little marauding feedback. Your raping is excellent. Very strong on the rape. There's a lot of talk about your pussy grab in Europe. But where's the pillaging? You can't let the pillaging go.
Chuluun: Why not? Who cares?
Altan: Raping and Pillaging – it's on all our swag. You know what that cost? You gotta make time for some pillaging. It makes us look weak if you don't.
Chuluun: I have enough shit, man. I can barely move around my goddamn grass hut. My wife says "NO MORE". Thinks I have a problem with hoarding.
Altan: Listen, I know it's a drag having to go hut-to-hut and take stuff. Some of the shit people keep is amazing. I have 4,000 letter openers. I don't get that much mail, man. Just take the crap and have a hut sale later. You can mark the stuff way up.
Chuluun: Oh, alright. So I'm not a hoarder?
Altan: Of course not. You're just doing your job.
Chuluun: No more ashtrays, though. I have ashtrays coming out my gutuls.
