I was in Rio yesterday taking in some of the exciting Olympic events.
I think my favourite event was the pole vault dancing. I think it's a new event. Boy, those dedicated athletes work that pole like it's an after-dinner toothpick rolling around in their mouth. A toothpick that's up to 17 feet long.
A few strange things about the event, though.
It didn't take place in some phantasmagorical stadium paid for with millions of tax dollars confiscated from dirt-poor residents. It was a smokey, badly lit room called the Sphincter Fluctuation Arena. Not a very Olympic-ish name.
The uniforms were strange. There weren't any, except for a thin piece of fabric around the groin area, which conspicuously looked like a g-string, or maybe it was a flag shape. I guess the athletes didn't like their new uniforms because they ended up taking them off half way through the competition. Was this some kind of doping protest? I kept the one that landed on my face. Cool. A free Olympic memento.
Despite having already paid for my event ticket, I was annoyed that the athletes kept asking me for $5 bills. I guess they need to eat too, but why couldn't I place the money in their hands?
I expected to see a row of judges from various countries, but it was just one unsightly behemoth whose face reminisced a half-digested skirt steak. On his t-shirt were the words "Sternum Buster". I couldn't imagine all that cigar smoke was good for the athletes. It seemed some payoffs were going on, as the athletes lined up in front of this man and surrendered some of their hard-earned bills. I reported it to the proper authorities.
The women outshone the men, but I'm biased in that way. A woman named Trix Arformen got the gold. She's a native Brazilian with a brazilian who was born and raised in a dumpster by the river until she realized her dreams on the pole.
Overall an excellent Olympics.
