HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Thursday, 31 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes
Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I always get the words Pentax and Tampax confused, especially when I'm Christmas shopping. Not surprising, since they have their simi...
Musings and Woes
I always get the words Pentax and Tampax confused, especially when I'm Christmas shopping. Not surprising, since they have their similarities as products. Pentax (the camera) soaks up the light to make a picture, and Tampax, well, you get it.
Which came first? I figure Pentax did. Unless the maker of Pentax loved the word Tampax and told his marketing department to find a similar word that won't get them sued. Or was it a nod to the intricate technology that both products share? Both do come with a telephoto lens, after all.
I thought of a product that combines the two words. Pamtax. It's a camera that snaps at you for five days out of the month.
The older models come with hot flashes.
The older models come with hot flashes.
I love the quiet, relaxed family time around Christmas. It's the perfect time to binge-watch. Still, I'm conflicted on the benefits of binge-watching. Do I really want to watch four seasons of a great show in one night, and then take a week to recover before I regain the ability to speak so I can discuss it with friends? That's like going to Morton's Steak House, paying $200 for dinner and finishing it in ten minutes. That dinner just cost me $20 per minute.
I want to put a piece of steak in my mouth and chew on it for a bit. Same with an episode of Homeland. Could you pass the terrorist cell? I'm not done with it yet.
I want to put a piece of steak in my mouth and chew on it for a bit. Same with an episode of Homeland. Could you pass the terrorist cell? I'm not done with it yet.
I guess that's why we put "binge" only in front of questionable activities. No one is ever accused of binge-reading, binge-flossing, binge-meditating or binge-rectal exams.
Do people binge-blog? Get some sleep.
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: Now I'm Even More Confused
Helloooo Newman: Now I'm Even More Confused: I'll be honest. I don't know if God actually exists. Not in the sense that I know black mould exists on the floor of my shower, and ...
Now I'm Even More Confused
I'll be honest. I don't know if God actually exists. Not in the sense that I know black mould exists on the floor of my shower, and I should really clean it every few months.
This means that religion, to me, is the sales and marketing team for selling the idea that He actually does exist.
Well, He needs to bang some heads on the sales and marketing team. They suck.
On the subway, one of His marketing campaigns says that, "God made you for the pleasure of knowing you."
That makes me feel like He made me for His pleasure alone. Kind of like when I was a kid at camp I made a soap stone carving of a polar bear. I felt good about it and it was neat to hold and look at.
If God really made me like that, why does He put conditions on my existence? Why do I need to love Him? Why do I need to be good?
I didn't expect my carving to love me. It was my decision to make it. And if I was unhappy with the way my carving turned out, who should I blame? The carving? That doesn't make much sense.
I should throw the carving in the lake and start on a new carving until I'm happy with it. Maybe take a carving course. Start with something simpler that has no legs, like a baby seal.
So what's with the Bible, a huge set of conditions that He places on me? Do this, don't do that, this makes me angry, that pleases me.
Shouldn't it be the other way around? The conditions should be on Him, not me. Hey man, you screwed up when you made me. What's with the nagging? Start again if you're so unhappy.
Free will? That was your decision. If my soap stone polar bear came alive and ate me, could I really blame him? He's a polar bear for goodness sake.
I think it's time God admitted His mistake and started again.
Sure, there will be lots of unemployed sales and marketing people, but ISIS is always looking for smart PR professionals.
This means that religion, to me, is the sales and marketing team for selling the idea that He actually does exist.
Well, He needs to bang some heads on the sales and marketing team. They suck.
On the subway, one of His marketing campaigns says that, "God made you for the pleasure of knowing you."
That makes me feel like He made me for His pleasure alone. Kind of like when I was a kid at camp I made a soap stone carving of a polar bear. I felt good about it and it was neat to hold and look at.
If God really made me like that, why does He put conditions on my existence? Why do I need to love Him? Why do I need to be good?
I didn't expect my carving to love me. It was my decision to make it. And if I was unhappy with the way my carving turned out, who should I blame? The carving? That doesn't make much sense.
I should throw the carving in the lake and start on a new carving until I'm happy with it. Maybe take a carving course. Start with something simpler that has no legs, like a baby seal.
So what's with the Bible, a huge set of conditions that He places on me? Do this, don't do that, this makes me angry, that pleases me.
Shouldn't it be the other way around? The conditions should be on Him, not me. Hey man, you screwed up when you made me. What's with the nagging? Start again if you're so unhappy.
Free will? That was your decision. If my soap stone polar bear came alive and ate me, could I really blame him? He's a polar bear for goodness sake.
I think it's time God admitted His mistake and started again.
Sure, there will be lots of unemployed sales and marketing people, but ISIS is always looking for smart PR professionals.
Friday, 25 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: The Grinch who Stole Turkey
Helloooo Newman: The Grinch who Stole Turkey: Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means to stuff myself more and more And snore.
The Grinch who Stole Turkey
Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means to stuff myself more and more
And snore.
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes
Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: What exactly is the dark web? I heard ISIS uses it but I don't understand. How can you search for things if it's dark? Why don&#...
Musings and Woes
What exactly is the dark web? I heard ISIS uses it but I don't understand. How can you search for things if it's dark? Why don't they do some online shopping and buy some search lights?
Yesterday I took some oil of oregano in pill form to stop my cold. I smelled like a walking spaghetti sauce. In Loblaws I was attacked by a box of penne and received a huge al dente on my noodle. I sued but didn't receive a single penne for my injuries. For a while I suffered emotional damage but now I've learned to live in the present, not the pasta.
I was in Chapters xmas shopping and an employee actually called out if anyone was on line facilitation. She asked me if I wanted to join the line. I explained to her that I'm not a joiner and could I start my own line? She said yes as long as my line starts at the end of the official line. Everyone after me wanted to join the first line instead of mine so I never made it to the cash. What joiners.
PS: I lied. Last blog was not my last. Sorry.
Friday, 18 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: Whew
Helloooo Newman: Whew: Whew, made it through another year. I'm not sure about that last post. Was it a post too far? Should I pull back? Sensor or censure my...
Whew
Whew, made it through another year.
I'm not sure about that last post. Was it a post too far? Should I pull back? Sensor or censure myself?
These are the issues I deal with every day as a writer who is read by tens of people around the globe. A special thank you to my readers in mental hospitals (it's hard logging on in a straitjacket) and on other planets.
Speaking of planets, scientists just found evidence of a "Super-Earth" nearby, if you call 14 light years away "nearby". This may be my next target for growing readership. However, I refuse to do press junkets there,
Hey, I know I'll never write for the New Yorker, but I certainly don't want to write for a publication called the New Yucker.
And you know what they say – one person asking for a dislike button means there's 10-20 people behind them wanting the same thing. And that encompasses my entire readership. So…
…Amy must come down. At this stage I don't think she needs the publicity anyway.
I hope everyone has a great holiday. Newman needs a break. Maybe we'll see you in '16.
I'm not sure about that last post. Was it a post too far? Should I pull back? Sensor or censure myself?
These are the issues I deal with every day as a writer who is read by tens of people around the globe. A special thank you to my readers in mental hospitals (it's hard logging on in a straitjacket) and on other planets.
Speaking of planets, scientists just found evidence of a "Super-Earth" nearby, if you call 14 light years away "nearby". This may be my next target for growing readership. However, I refuse to do press junkets there,
Hey, I know I'll never write for the New Yorker, but I certainly don't want to write for a publication called the New Yucker.
And you know what they say – one person asking for a dislike button means there's 10-20 people behind them wanting the same thing. And that encompasses my entire readership. So…
…Amy must come down. At this stage I don't think she needs the publicity anyway.
I hope everyone has a great holiday. Newman needs a break. Maybe we'll see you in '16.
Wednesday, 16 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: Proof of God?
Helloooo Newman: Proof of God?: I was at the used MAC store today. I won't say why because someone I know will be very embarrassed. I was wondering about the Apple Ca...
Proof of God?
I was at the used MAC store today. I won't say why because someone I know will be very embarrassed.
I was wondering about the Apple Care warranty. Would it cover a used computer?
NO. The shiney Apple man explained to me that the standard Apple Care warranty does not cover used stuff, accidents or acts of God?
Acts of God? Is that written right in the warranty? Which Psalm is that?
Well, I couldn't leave that alone.
I told him I am agnostic. Does that affect the warranty?
He was uncertain. Just like me! Then he offered me a free di-agnostic.
The results of the di-agnostic: I was a lapsed Catholic and could not be fixed. An act of God? Interesting question.
I went whole hog. I absolutely do not believe on God. He said if I can prove there is no God, Apple will fix my computer even if I stick it in the washing machine for a cycle. Hmmmm. Proof? Toughie.
I wasn't done. What if the damage falls under the Act of God clause, but a few weeks later we discover there actually is no God?
No. Because Steve Jobs is God. Or His replacement, anyway.
What if there are several Gods and they get in an argument? One God decides he wants to cause damage to my computer, but the other Gods didn't give their stamp of approval for this deliberate action. Am I covered?
He said all arguments between Gods are handled in God Court. These proceedings are secret. Sorry. All Mighty convenient for them.
Are you telling me God can deliberately break my computer? Doesn't that make Him a mean God? Shouldn't you cover the computer to discourage God from misbehaving?
"Sir, we've decided to sell our store to a Chipotle franshise. Please leave."
I was wondering about the Apple Care warranty. Would it cover a used computer?
NO. The shiney Apple man explained to me that the standard Apple Care warranty does not cover used stuff, accidents or acts of God?
Acts of God? Is that written right in the warranty? Which Psalm is that?
Well, I couldn't leave that alone.
I told him I am agnostic. Does that affect the warranty?
He was uncertain. Just like me! Then he offered me a free di-agnostic.
The results of the di-agnostic: I was a lapsed Catholic and could not be fixed. An act of God? Interesting question.
I went whole hog. I absolutely do not believe on God. He said if I can prove there is no God, Apple will fix my computer even if I stick it in the washing machine for a cycle. Hmmmm. Proof? Toughie.
I wasn't done. What if the damage falls under the Act of God clause, but a few weeks later we discover there actually is no God?
No. Because Steve Jobs is God. Or His replacement, anyway.
What if there are several Gods and they get in an argument? One God decides he wants to cause damage to my computer, but the other Gods didn't give their stamp of approval for this deliberate action. Am I covered?
He said all arguments between Gods are handled in God Court. These proceedings are secret. Sorry. All Mighty convenient for them.
Are you telling me God can deliberately break my computer? Doesn't that make Him a mean God? Shouldn't you cover the computer to discourage God from misbehaving?
"Sir, we've decided to sell our store to a Chipotle franshise. Please leave."
Tuesday, 15 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: rAIRified
Helloooo Newman: rAIRified: Today I just finished celebrating the fact that we can now buy Smart Water. (see below) I was so depressed. I have nothing else to look...
rAIRified
Today I just finished celebrating the fact that we can now buy Smart Water. (see below)
I was so depressed. I have nothing else to look forward to in this bleak world. Well, yippee ki-yay, mofo! I just learned that you can buy fresh air in a can. (see below)
I breathed a fresh sigh of relief. Let the celebrations continue.
I wasn't at all happy with my last supplier of canned air. I don't think it was pure fresh air – it tasted like they aired it down with air from old car tires. Cheaters!
Listen, I too had my doubts. In case you suspect that this canned air isn't top quality, here is a picture of it…
See? That's quality air!
If you notice, no artificial flavours, colours, or added sugar. This is not air from some mechanical assembly line. It's from the mountains.
This is no ordinAIRy air. This is air extraordinAIRe! The Champagne of air. Bubbly air.
I know it's hard to believe, but read the studies. Four out of five people across the globe who breath air regularly prefer this canned air to old fashioned free air.
Just ask pregnant women. They are clamouring to use it as a substitute for breast feeding. You only need a special adaptor to transfer the air from the can to the breast. Watch for over-inflation of the breast. Sure, your husband will appreciate it, but there are dangers.
I interviewed the founders of this new and exciting product and I was suitably impressed. These guys have a real head for air. So I was dumbfounded when they recoiled from being called fresh air heads. Don't turn down compliments is my motto.
I know, you are wondering how I like my air. When I'm at parties, I like to open the can and breath it nice and slowly, take a few breaths, put it down, chat some, have some more breaths. It's so satisfying and helps me to think of all kinds of interesting topics to discuss. I find that with this fresh air, my memory has improved so much that my Google searches for mundane facts are down 35%.
In the summer I'll pour it into a glass and add ice cubes. Very refreshing. It also makes a great mixer.
I had one suggestion for the owners, which excited them a lot. Why not add a few recipe ideas on the can? I'm not always sure of the best way to add air to my favourite meals.
Also, it's a bit pricey. Can I use my air miles, I asked? No. That's polluted air.
They also have very exciting expansion plans. By next year they hope to can wind (two choices: hurricane and soft breeze), sunshine, air from Donald Trump's lungs, the entire Mesolithic era and a typical Sunday afternoon on Uranus.
Truth be told, I'm still a little uncertain if canned air is the way to go, but I'm gonna air on the safe side. What will you breathe?
I was so depressed. I have nothing else to look forward to in this bleak world. Well, yippee ki-yay, mofo! I just learned that you can buy fresh air in a can. (see below)
I breathed a fresh sigh of relief. Let the celebrations continue.
I wasn't at all happy with my last supplier of canned air. I don't think it was pure fresh air – it tasted like they aired it down with air from old car tires. Cheaters!
Listen, I too had my doubts. In case you suspect that this canned air isn't top quality, here is a picture of it…
See? That's quality air!
If you notice, no artificial flavours, colours, or added sugar. This is not air from some mechanical assembly line. It's from the mountains.
This is no ordinAIRy air. This is air extraordinAIRe! The Champagne of air. Bubbly air.
I know it's hard to believe, but read the studies. Four out of five people across the globe who breath air regularly prefer this canned air to old fashioned free air.
Just ask pregnant women. They are clamouring to use it as a substitute for breast feeding. You only need a special adaptor to transfer the air from the can to the breast. Watch for over-inflation of the breast. Sure, your husband will appreciate it, but there are dangers.
I interviewed the founders of this new and exciting product and I was suitably impressed. These guys have a real head for air. So I was dumbfounded when they recoiled from being called fresh air heads. Don't turn down compliments is my motto.
I know, you are wondering how I like my air. When I'm at parties, I like to open the can and breath it nice and slowly, take a few breaths, put it down, chat some, have some more breaths. It's so satisfying and helps me to think of all kinds of interesting topics to discuss. I find that with this fresh air, my memory has improved so much that my Google searches for mundane facts are down 35%.
In the summer I'll pour it into a glass and add ice cubes. Very refreshing. It also makes a great mixer.
I'm getting my friends in on it too. One time, as a practical joke, I shook my friend's can of air really hard without telling him. He opened it and air got all over his face and clothes. He was so pissed with me. But still, he's hooked.
Maybe I'm overdoing it a bit. I had a bad doctor's appointment last week. He said, "Paul, cut down on the canned air, will ya! You're starting to retain air." Oh no, is it showing? Do I have obese lungs?
I had one suggestion for the owners, which excited them a lot. Why not add a few recipe ideas on the can? I'm not always sure of the best way to add air to my favourite meals.
Also, it's a bit pricey. Can I use my air miles, I asked? No. That's polluted air.
They also have very exciting expansion plans. By next year they hope to can wind (two choices: hurricane and soft breeze), sunshine, air from Donald Trump's lungs, the entire Mesolithic era and a typical Sunday afternoon on Uranus.
Truth be told, I'm still a little uncertain if canned air is the way to go, but I'm gonna air on the safe side. What will you breathe?
Saturday, 12 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: The Marathon Dentist
Helloooo Newman: The Marathon Dentist: We talked movies before the cleaning. Her favourite movie: Marathon Man Favourite Actor: Dustin Hoffman Favourite Scene: The dentist&#...
The Marathon Dentist
We talked movies before the cleaning.
Her favourite movie: Marathon Man
Favourite Actor: Dustin Hoffman
Favourite Scene: The dentist's chair, torture scene
Does my dentist vaguely look like Laurence Olivier? But she's a she. Is the fear making me hallucinate?
It had been six years since I'd seen a dentist. She told me the tartar buildup was so massive that seafood restaurants across North America would bid for me to be their sole tartar sauce supplier.
It began. The cleaning.
Three hours later…I decided she wasn't cleaning my teeth, she was chiseling them into a bust. Given the pain, I assumed a bust of Donald Trump, presented to him for his Inaugural address. My mouth will be transported to Mount Rushmore and glued in place beside the great Presidents.
Yes, Mr. Trump will be President, and the U.S. will develop a giant, decaying cavity for four years (maybe eight?). Afterwards the country will need a root canal and braces to straighten out the damage.
Or, was it torture? NSA-style. What was I to confess? Please, I am not a terrorist. The closest I've come to bombing is delivering a failing humourous speech at my Toastmasters club.
I confess, I've done some bad things. I put a recycled item in the garbage bin once. It won't happen again.
The constant rinsing. With that endless hose. At some point it stopped being rinsing and became water boarding. Can't swallow, sweet death approaching. I was willing to talk, but couldn't with water, various hoses, cotton, fear and a sharp instrument all lodged in my mouth.
Soon, Stockholm Syndrome set in. I began to love my torturer. I love you. I felt it. The giver and taker awayer of pain. What could I do to stop the pain? To show my love. I offered to father her children. She hesitated. No. They would be born with teeth like mine. Bad teeth genes.
She pumped me so full of flouride I could taste it in my tears of pain. My eyes will be cavity-free.
The ending. She was right. Tartarless, I was five pounds lighter.
I got the bill. I fell out of love.
I hate Laurence Olivier and Dustin Hoffman.
Her favourite movie: Marathon Man
Favourite Actor: Dustin Hoffman
Favourite Scene: The dentist's chair, torture scene
Does my dentist vaguely look like Laurence Olivier? But she's a she. Is the fear making me hallucinate?
It had been six years since I'd seen a dentist. She told me the tartar buildup was so massive that seafood restaurants across North America would bid for me to be their sole tartar sauce supplier.
It began. The cleaning.
Three hours later…I decided she wasn't cleaning my teeth, she was chiseling them into a bust. Given the pain, I assumed a bust of Donald Trump, presented to him for his Inaugural address. My mouth will be transported to Mount Rushmore and glued in place beside the great Presidents.
Yes, Mr. Trump will be President, and the U.S. will develop a giant, decaying cavity for four years (maybe eight?). Afterwards the country will need a root canal and braces to straighten out the damage.
Or, was it torture? NSA-style. What was I to confess? Please, I am not a terrorist. The closest I've come to bombing is delivering a failing humourous speech at my Toastmasters club.
I confess, I've done some bad things. I put a recycled item in the garbage bin once. It won't happen again.
The constant rinsing. With that endless hose. At some point it stopped being rinsing and became water boarding. Can't swallow, sweet death approaching. I was willing to talk, but couldn't with water, various hoses, cotton, fear and a sharp instrument all lodged in my mouth.
Soon, Stockholm Syndrome set in. I began to love my torturer. I love you. I felt it. The giver and taker awayer of pain. What could I do to stop the pain? To show my love. I offered to father her children. She hesitated. No. They would be born with teeth like mine. Bad teeth genes.
She pumped me so full of flouride I could taste it in my tears of pain. My eyes will be cavity-free.
The ending. She was right. Tartarless, I was five pounds lighter.
I got the bill. I fell out of love.
I hate Laurence Olivier and Dustin Hoffman.
Thursday, 10 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: Christmas in July
Helloooo Newman: Christmas in July: Christmas was on the horizon and I stumbled upon a lady who was hanging her Christmas lights. It was one of those strange early November ...
Christmas in July
Christmas was on the horizon and I stumbled upon a lady who was hanging her Christmas lights.
It was one of those strange early November days with the temp around 60 degrees (about 15 Celsius), thanks to global warming, aka climate change, aka Al Gore's multi-million dollar nest egg. I'm big on climate change because I live in Canada and look forward to palm trees and piña coladas in my backyard instead of polar caps and shivering knee caps.
"I'm hanging my lights today because it's so warm out", said the light-hanging lady. "I'm afraid it will get cold very soon."
The above quote lacks the woman's tone – unsaid was, "It's good to get this crappy chore out of the way so I can get on with Christmas."
Hmmmm. Should all chores be thought of as "chores", things to get out of the way? Some chores can be more fun than others. I think it's fair to say – hanging xmas lights is a festive chore, scrubbing the porta potty is a fetid chore.
If you're going to hang your lights so early because it's warm out, the obvious question becomes, why don't you hang them in July? Maybe during a heat wave. Throw on the Lulu's with a screwdriver belt, grab a beer, get some sun.
Christmas in July sounds even better. I'm sure the neighbours won't notice you're dragging a pine tree into your living room wearing a speedo and flip flops. Oops, looks like a tiny pine cone got wedged in your suit. That's so cute.
Or snuggling a baby Jesus in the Nativity scene, only to have His plastic baby face dissolve from too much Agent Orange on your "green" lawn. Elephant Baby Jesus – "I am not an animal. I am a baby. I am Jesus."
Neighbours hear "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" winding its way up your chimney. I guess their air conditioning is broken, they think.
Christmas songs get summer-ized. "Burgers roasting on a open fire. Melanoma nipping at your nose."
I'm not only saying early November is too early for xmas lights, let alone for playing xmas music. I hope we all agree on that.
I think it was Edison who said, upon perfecting the light bulb, "Listen folks, I know this is a nifty gadget, but don't go loco on the xmas light until December, capiche?"
I'm also saying that some chores are attached to a larger activity that really only make sense doing at a certain time. Isn't the fun of xmas, at least in Canada and the Northern U.S., to bundle up, hot coco, hang the lights, maybe cut your own tree down.
Conversation #1:
Bob: Hi Jim. I was wondering why you were kissing my wife in July and then I saw the mistletoe. What's with the batman costume?
Jim: We're gonna do Halloween tonight. Too cold and rainy in October.
Bob: Ah. And your lawyer is here because?
Jim: Finalizing my divorce
Bob: Sorry to hear you're having trouble.
Jim: We're not. It's just in case and he was in the neighbourhood.
Conversation #2
Patient: Hey Doc, you're a great surgeon but my G.P. told me my liver is missing.
Surgeon: Ya. I removed it.
Patient: Wasn't I in for a kidney stone?
Surgeon: Let me ask you something. You're a big drinker, right? Down the road you'll probably get cirrhosis of the liver. I was in there anyway, so… You know, two birds, one kidney stone. Ha!
The New Bible:
In the beginning, God didn't create the heaven and the earth, because it was too cold out. He waited for a nice warm day. Then there was light, and He saw a beach and hung out at the beach bar for days 5-7.
Let me put it another way. Just because it's a convenient time to perform an activity, doesn't mean it always makes sense to do it.
When I was young I had an erection 24/7. Whoa, another hard on? Can't let that go to waste. 24/7 erections doesn't mean 24/7 sex. First off, back then no girls would come near me. Second off, I would need a 5-6 minute rest in between 24 hour intervals anyway.
It's a bit like phone sex replacing real sex.
Wife: Honey, that was terrible. It totally felt like you phoned that in.
Husband: I did.
Wife: Next time a letter will do.
Timing is everything.
It was one of those strange early November days with the temp around 60 degrees (about 15 Celsius), thanks to global warming, aka climate change, aka Al Gore's multi-million dollar nest egg. I'm big on climate change because I live in Canada and look forward to palm trees and piña coladas in my backyard instead of polar caps and shivering knee caps.
"I'm hanging my lights today because it's so warm out", said the light-hanging lady. "I'm afraid it will get cold very soon."
The above quote lacks the woman's tone – unsaid was, "It's good to get this crappy chore out of the way so I can get on with Christmas."
Hmmmm. Should all chores be thought of as "chores", things to get out of the way? Some chores can be more fun than others. I think it's fair to say – hanging xmas lights is a festive chore, scrubbing the porta potty is a fetid chore.
If you're going to hang your lights so early because it's warm out, the obvious question becomes, why don't you hang them in July? Maybe during a heat wave. Throw on the Lulu's with a screwdriver belt, grab a beer, get some sun.
Christmas in July sounds even better. I'm sure the neighbours won't notice you're dragging a pine tree into your living room wearing a speedo and flip flops. Oops, looks like a tiny pine cone got wedged in your suit. That's so cute.
Or snuggling a baby Jesus in the Nativity scene, only to have His plastic baby face dissolve from too much Agent Orange on your "green" lawn. Elephant Baby Jesus – "I am not an animal. I am a baby. I am Jesus."
Neighbours hear "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" winding its way up your chimney. I guess their air conditioning is broken, they think.
Christmas songs get summer-ized. "Burgers roasting on a open fire. Melanoma nipping at your nose."
I'm not only saying early November is too early for xmas lights, let alone for playing xmas music. I hope we all agree on that.
I think it was Edison who said, upon perfecting the light bulb, "Listen folks, I know this is a nifty gadget, but don't go loco on the xmas light until December, capiche?"
I'm also saying that some chores are attached to a larger activity that really only make sense doing at a certain time. Isn't the fun of xmas, at least in Canada and the Northern U.S., to bundle up, hot coco, hang the lights, maybe cut your own tree down.
Conversation #1:
Bob: Hi Jim. I was wondering why you were kissing my wife in July and then I saw the mistletoe. What's with the batman costume?
Jim: We're gonna do Halloween tonight. Too cold and rainy in October.
Bob: Ah. And your lawyer is here because?
Jim: Finalizing my divorce
Bob: Sorry to hear you're having trouble.
Jim: We're not. It's just in case and he was in the neighbourhood.
Conversation #2
Patient: Hey Doc, you're a great surgeon but my G.P. told me my liver is missing.
Surgeon: Ya. I removed it.
Patient: Wasn't I in for a kidney stone?
Surgeon: Let me ask you something. You're a big drinker, right? Down the road you'll probably get cirrhosis of the liver. I was in there anyway, so… You know, two birds, one kidney stone. Ha!
The New Bible:
In the beginning, God didn't create the heaven and the earth, because it was too cold out. He waited for a nice warm day. Then there was light, and He saw a beach and hung out at the beach bar for days 5-7.
Let me put it another way. Just because it's a convenient time to perform an activity, doesn't mean it always makes sense to do it.
When I was young I had an erection 24/7. Whoa, another hard on? Can't let that go to waste. 24/7 erections doesn't mean 24/7 sex. First off, back then no girls would come near me. Second off, I would need a 5-6 minute rest in between 24 hour intervals anyway.
It's a bit like phone sex replacing real sex.
Wife: Honey, that was terrible. It totally felt like you phoned that in.
Husband: I did.
Wife: Next time a letter will do.
Timing is everything.
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes
Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Here are some things that have occurred to me in the last little while… I'm terrified of skydiving, or the idea of it. I thought it w...
Musings and Woes
Here are some things that have occurred to me in the last little while…
I'm terrified of skydiving, or the idea of it. I thought it would be an interesting experiment to skydive while strapped in a La-Z-Boy chair. Then I don't know if I should be scared or fall asleep.
I've never found a can opener that works properly. It always leaves a tiny bit of uncut metal, forcing me to twist off the lid, cut my finger and get pee soup on my pants.
Almost ever day I worry about my diet:
• I wish my riboflavin had more flavin and less ribo.
• Is there enough coconut water in my urine?
• Am I eating too much BHT? IDK!
• What about my consumption of green bulge?
• Am I chewing enough xanthan gum?
• Is this used in Basketball? (see below)
• I adore egg whites, but I am not a racist. Kudos for not going with "Whites Only" (see below)
Drying fruit causes massive nutrient loss, depleting 30-80% of its vitamin content, according to the USDA. Previously they thought it depleted 0-100%. I predict they will discover it depletes 50-50%.
Do I get enough vitamins? I thought I was lacking in vitamin K, and quickly realized it was actually vitamin Elemenopee.
A 2010 study found 48% of fountain soda drinks contain fecal bacteria. Last week my doctor found mountain dew in my poo.
Chia seeds are highly hydrophilic - they absorb 9-10x their weight in water. So does the entire eating population at Red Lobster.
I look forward to waking up in the morning just so I can have a cup of coffee. Then I want to go back to bed until it's coffee time again.
I'm terrified of skydiving, or the idea of it. I thought it would be an interesting experiment to skydive while strapped in a La-Z-Boy chair. Then I don't know if I should be scared or fall asleep.
I've never found a can opener that works properly. It always leaves a tiny bit of uncut metal, forcing me to twist off the lid, cut my finger and get pee soup on my pants.
Almost ever day I worry about my diet:
• I wish my riboflavin had more flavin and less ribo.
• Is there enough coconut water in my urine?
• Am I eating too much BHT? IDK!
• What about my consumption of green bulge?
• Am I chewing enough xanthan gum?
• Is this used in Basketball? (see below)
• I adore egg whites, but I am not a racist. Kudos for not going with "Whites Only" (see below)
Drying fruit causes massive nutrient loss, depleting 30-80% of its vitamin content, according to the USDA. Previously they thought it depleted 0-100%. I predict they will discover it depletes 50-50%.
Do I get enough vitamins? I thought I was lacking in vitamin K, and quickly realized it was actually vitamin Elemenopee.
A 2010 study found 48% of fountain soda drinks contain fecal bacteria. Last week my doctor found mountain dew in my poo.
Chia seeds are highly hydrophilic - they absorb 9-10x their weight in water. So does the entire eating population at Red Lobster.
I look forward to waking up in the morning just so I can have a cup of coffee. Then I want to go back to bed until it's coffee time again.
Friday, 4 December 2015
Helloooo Newman: The Long and Short of It
Helloooo Newman: The Long and Short of It: "There's no Federal law that prohibits a gift of a firearm to a relative or friend that lives in your home state." "The...
Thursday, 3 December 2015
The Long and Short of It
"There's no Federal law that prohibits a gift of a firearm to a relative or friend that lives in your home state."
"The ATF recommends that if you want to give someone a new firearm, rather than going to a gun store, buying it on your own and giving it to, say a friend or you dad, consider instead purchasing a gift certificate from that retailer and giving it to them as a present. That way he’ll get the exact gun he wants, and there’s no question about who is “the actual buyer of the firearm,” which is a question any purchaser must certify on the Federal Form 4473 at the time of purchase."
Hey Max, how long have we been friends now?
Long time, Frank. Thirty years or so.
That's long. Speaking of long, I'm finished using my long gun. I want to give it to you as a present.
Wow! That's so nice, dude. Why don't you need it anymore?
Well, you know, I've finished my training with the AR-15 and I feel I'm ready to move up. Maybe an AK-47. Had my eye on a Beretta AR70 too. NATO uses that gun.
This is so cool. Is it legal?
Dude, come on. Would I suggest it if it were illegal? You can thank the government. They told me how easy it is to pass on military-style weapons to whoever the fuck you want. No paper work trail, no fuss, no muss.
What about Stevie? Can Stevie have a gun too?
Who is Stevie?
He lives inside me. You never met him? Can he have a gun? Can he?
Sure, Stevie can have whatever he wants.
Good. Stevie gets mad if you say no to him.
Hey, maybe Stevie wants this gun? I call it a "short"gun. Hee hee. Get it?
Are you calling me short?
No no. It's a joke. It's called a hand gun.
Are you saying my penis is short? My penis is bigger than this hand gun, you know.
Ya, ya, I know. I mean, I don't know. I believe you.
Okay, but don't ever call me short again. I think I know how this works. You press this, right?
Careful, it's load……………(bang, splat)
Frank, you okay? You don't look okay. Hello? Guess you won't be needing your car either? Ah, forget it. Too much paper work involved.
Christmas is coming, folks.
"The ATF recommends that if you want to give someone a new firearm, rather than going to a gun store, buying it on your own and giving it to, say a friend or you dad, consider instead purchasing a gift certificate from that retailer and giving it to them as a present. That way he’ll get the exact gun he wants, and there’s no question about who is “the actual buyer of the firearm,” which is a question any purchaser must certify on the Federal Form 4473 at the time of purchase."
Hey Max, how long have we been friends now?
Long time, Frank. Thirty years or so.
That's long. Speaking of long, I'm finished using my long gun. I want to give it to you as a present.
Wow! That's so nice, dude. Why don't you need it anymore?
Well, you know, I've finished my training with the AR-15 and I feel I'm ready to move up. Maybe an AK-47. Had my eye on a Beretta AR70 too. NATO uses that gun.
This is so cool. Is it legal?
Dude, come on. Would I suggest it if it were illegal? You can thank the government. They told me how easy it is to pass on military-style weapons to whoever the fuck you want. No paper work trail, no fuss, no muss.
What about Stevie? Can Stevie have a gun too?
Who is Stevie?
He lives inside me. You never met him? Can he have a gun? Can he?
Sure, Stevie can have whatever he wants.
Good. Stevie gets mad if you say no to him.
Hey, maybe Stevie wants this gun? I call it a "short"gun. Hee hee. Get it?
Are you calling me short?
No no. It's a joke. It's called a hand gun.
Are you saying my penis is short? My penis is bigger than this hand gun, you know.
Ya, ya, I know. I mean, I don't know. I believe you.
Okay, but don't ever call me short again. I think I know how this works. You press this, right?
Careful, it's load……………(bang, splat)
Frank, you okay? You don't look okay. Hello? Guess you won't be needing your car either? Ah, forget it. Too much paper work involved.
Christmas is coming, folks.
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