I tell them naw, not at all. That's 50 years longer than I expected to live. I was sure, by the way my brothers treated me as a kid, that I wouldn't make it past three.
I didn't really have an upbringing. It was more reminiscent of a bringing up – that creamed corn you had for dinner, or macaroni and cheese drowned in ketchup.
One time I actually did vomit creamed corn all over the floor. My mom said you are eating that! I said I can't, I was sick and vomited it up. She said prove it. I couldn't. It looked the same.
Essentially I was raised by my brothers, and they did a bang up job.
First they would play beer pong while I watched. Switching to baby pong was just plain mean. I guess beer pong got boring. My parents thought all the welts from the ping pong balls were chicken pox so they quarantined me for 2 weeks.
I think they were actually on to something when they used duct tape on me as a diaper. Kinda held stuff pretty well, but when it came time to change the "diaper" – oh, the PAIN!!
They really blew it when they started putting the blame for my dad's missing beer on me. Not only was blaming me for drinking dad's beer really stupid, but my dad knew I would usually pass out half way through my second beer anyway. Come on, I was two.
There were times my oldest brother had to babysit me and take me for strolls. Now I was no expert at the time, but later on I compared a picture of a stroller and a skate board and they didn't look anything alike. But somehow my brother managed to confuse them when walk time came. Really, bro? I mean, I seem to be the only baby that needs to be bungee corded to the stroller to go for a walk. Why the hell is it so bumpy? Did we really need to go over that ramp and do a nosegrind?
I was the only toddler in the 'hood with bungee burns.
As a young kid I was very shy, and also afraid of people. This meant I couldn't even talk to myself.
A few times I worked up the courage to ask girls, in my weak voice, "Hey, would you like to go out?"
They all answered, "Sure, know anyone nice?"
I could tell you those callouses on my hands were from football practice. And you could choose to believe me – if you want.
For the next 15 years my dates were a series of snapchat sessions – 10 seconds and the woman disappeared.
My dating life was full of 360 degrees of separation – I would look all around me and no sign of women.
But I made it. I'm a hugely successful writer, read in five different countries (according to the stats my blog reports to me).
I am nearing 10,000 views. That's 20,000 eyeballs. 40,000 limbs. 200,000,000 miles of blood vessels (each person carries 60,000 miles of blood vessels in their body). That's – amazing!
Now I just, um, need a job.
For the next 15 years my dates were a series of snapchat sessions – 10 seconds and the woman disappeared.
My dating life was full of 360 degrees of separation – I would look all around me and no sign of women.
But I made it. I'm a hugely successful writer, read in five different countries (according to the stats my blog reports to me).
I am nearing 10,000 views. That's 20,000 eyeballs. 40,000 limbs. 200,000,000 miles of blood vessels (each person carries 60,000 miles of blood vessels in their body). That's – amazing!
Now I just, um, need a job.
