Zoology

I don't understand why we use the word "zoo" when referring to certain events.

"Wow, wasn't that concert a zoo?" "Boy, that dance club was packed with chicks, but what a zoo."

We seem to use the term to describe excessively crowded and chaotic events.

But any zoo I've been to has been relatively orderly, and mostly not that crowded. Sure, people bunch up around the cages every once in a while, giggling at the orangutan as he tries to hump the coconut. But then you turn around and you have acres of property to roam free in.

The Toronto Zoo is massive. The giraffes have plenty of space and seem pretty much at peace with their environment. Even in the cages, animals aren't packed to the rafters, like your average popular bar after work. And they are fed in a very orderly, precisely-timed manner.

Zoos are great for people too. No one is pushing or shoving or spilling beer on your shirt. And you don't get a bill for $78 and change for the privilege of yelling over hordes of other voices.

I think the place that more accurately describes crowded and chaotic events is the subway, especially during rush hour.

"Man, I'm so happy our team won, but wasn't that game a subway?" "I'm never going to see Taylor Swift in concert again. What a subway!"

Yes, that sounds much better.

What surprises me is how orderly zoos really are. More orderly than your average bar or club and a virtual paradise compared to the subway.

I've never seen the zoo's resident anteater mix beer, red wine and vodka in his stomach and then vomit it all over his cage, like I saw a girl once do on the subway during New Years Eve. After messing up a good portion of the subway seating, this girl started screaming and scratching herself, thinking her body was covered in ants. That's called delirium tremens, and it's the only thing she had in common with the anteater.

Zoo animals are far better behaved than people who are drinking. I only have to look at my own behaviour to prove that. I remember at one dance club (I can't remember the venue, just the incident) I decided that trying to balance two beer bottles on my head would be the next smart move I could make. I filmed it for an interview at Cirque de Soleil, and was promptly turned down.

One thing I am sure of is if I were a zoo animal I would have way more fun than the animals currently have. I would want to be a monkey, and my first order of business would be to fling my own feces at some of the spectators. It's just lying there anyway, and what a great way to clean my home. Make a day of it. The zookeeper will thank me for this.

I don't get why animals haven't tried this. It would be a hoot. Be nice and charming, cute and smiley, wait for them to get close, and then heave a steaming pile at their eyes.

It's only fair. It levels the playing field. I'm stuck in this cage. You're free to roam the world. So here's shit in your eye. No, I don't have an opposable thumb, but I can still ruin your day.

If I were a lion, I would laze around pretending I was asleep, wait for some stupid kid to get real close to the cage, and then suddenly charge him with full fangs and claws. Now I get to see you shit your pants for a change, human. Sure, I'll get a time out, but without me, there's no zoo.

If I were the orangutan, I would work up a big, orange erection just as the 500-pound doe head man was swallowing his corn dog in front of me. Hey, we're looking for another pig in the zoo, mister. The job's yours.

Yes, zoo animals are far too well behaved. I think these animals need to visit the subway at rush hour.