There are a lot of problems with the Bible as it reads now. Little things, like telling the truth.
There are so many chapters to the Bible. I would have one chapter and it would be called, "In the Beginning – What Really Went Down".
The first line of the original Bible reads: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth.
Well, not quite. Here's what really went down…
In the beginning God tried to create the heavens and the earth. Wow, he blew it, so he tried again. He didn't see that it was good. Nonsense. He saw that it resembled a Carnival cruise ship. He tried again. Better, but not quite. He tried for 6 whole days. Then he took a day off and thought about it. Finally he was getting it right, felt how exhausting all this work was and decided we humans would need weekends off. Then, just as he was about to perfect it, the whole thing blew up in his face. We call this the Big Bang. He walked away from the whole mess and left an instruction booklet. A really confusing one. We call this the Bible.
Well, not anymore. We now call it the Bible according to Newman.
So, in the beginning, God had no practice creating universes. I really don't understand that. I would have at least jotted some diagrams down on a napkin (like they did in Spinal Tap), used a really good AutoCAD program, THEN put shovel to dirt, and afterwards bring in Mike Holmes to check it for foundation, plumbing, electrical etc.
Well, not anymore. We now call it the Bible according to Newman.
So, in the beginning, God had no practice creating universes. I really don't understand that. I would have at least jotted some diagrams down on a napkin (like they did in Spinal Tap), used a really good AutoCAD program, THEN put shovel to dirt, and afterwards bring in Mike Holmes to check it for foundation, plumbing, electrical etc.
Instead, we have an IKEA universe. Here are all the parts, mankind, you go ahead and make something decent out of it.
Coming next in the Bible According to Newman…the real sins.
