Supreme Being for a Day

I'm slowly coming to the realization that people don't worship me the way Newman does.

It's tough being a supreme being at home and then having to walk among the ordinary the rest of the time. This got me thinking. How would I behave if I really were supreme being for a day?

Unlike our current supreme being, I'd take the first few days off instead of the seventh day. This makes a lot of sense. I would have enough banked sick days since I'm both the union and management, I wrote and negotiated the contract and I can bloody well do anything I want.

I would spend these days planning the universe. If you were having your dream home built, would you be happy that the builder starting building right away, and then afterwards consulted the blueprints? I doubt it.

Would you plan as you go along? Well, no. That there wouldn't be a plan because a plan is something you plan before implementing the plan.

So, what else would I do differently than the current Chief Executive God (CEG)? I certainly would have treated my one and only employee better.

The CEG's single employee and salesman was, of course, Jesus. As far as sales positions go, this one sucked big time. "You go and sell me, Jesus, and I'll be up here pretending I don't exist, okay?" Can you imagine being a sales man and there's no head office to report to?

I think Jesus even had a tougher time than Michael from The Office. Michael had a support staff and got laid out of the deal. He also had all kinds of different products to offer. People had a choice.

Not so with Jesus. There is no product. There is only a service. Salvation. You sign here, decrepit peasant, and this service might be delivered to you. That is, if we still like you when you die. This sale comes with a zero guarantee!

Think about the sales pitch that God insisted Jesus deliver. Be really nice and caring to the customer. Occasionally offer them a bath. Go light on the healings (they give me a headache), and there are absolutely no free pens or stationary. Then show the customer the terms of the sale - the Ten Commandments. As an aside, mention that if they violate any of the sales terms, they will forever feel the effects of a very hot fire on their skin and bones. This is convenient since peasants really are only skin and bone. Mention all this after the sale, if possible.

All this time, no customer was allowed to talk directly to the boss. Questions would not be answered, but you could pay in monthly instalments.

Incredibly, Jesus had some success. But most of his customers were poor, with none owning a BMW, but some having a late model donkey or goat.

And how was the chief salesman rewarded for this modest success? No, not with frequent walking points. He was "crossed" off the team. No set of steak knives.

Then he resurrected himself and promised to come back on the job some day. Personally, I think he quit and is working in one the many parallel dimensions scientists now say exist. I hear it's even sweeter than working at the LCBO.

So, what would I have done differently? I would have modelled things after a weekend at the cottage. Have the party first, here on earth. Then comes Hangover, which replaces the terms Heaven and Hell.

Yes, God got it backwards. God is Dog. Dog is Newman. Newman is the supreme being. Not me.