Smoke screen

The smoke is white.

A new Pope has been erected. The alter boys await the private celebration.

It was a tough choice. Between a 100-year-old white man, a 100-year-old white man and a 100-year-old white man.

Helloooo Newman: Shhh, I'm conclaving

Helloooo Newman: Shhh, I'm conclaving: The conclaving cardinals almost agreed on a new Pope until they learned Sean "Diddy" Combs is in prison. The Diddy Pope had a nice...

Shhh, I'm conclaving

The conclaving cardinals almost agreed on a new Pope until they learned Sean "Diddy" Combs is in prison.

The Diddy Pope had a nice ring to the cardinals.

The search continues and the smoke keeps rising.

Which, of course, contributes to climate change. 

But it's not their job to save the world. That's their boss's job.

BTW I'm starting a band called Conclaving Cardinals. Our hit is "Smoke out the chimney", sung to "Smoke on the Water".

Helloooo Newman: Figurehead

Helloooo Newman: Figurehead: One appalling person making fun of another appalling person.  Both figureheads running a scam religion. Seems right.

Figurehead

One appalling person making fun of another appalling person. 

Both figureheads running a scam religion.

Seems right.

Helloooo Newman: Yes, dog walker

Helloooo Newman: Yes, dog walker: You ever watched one of those cooking shows? Where everyone says "yes, chef, yes, chef", like they're some kind of God. Hey nu...

Yes, dog walker

You ever watched one of those cooking shows? Where everyone says "yes, chef, yes, chef", like they're some kind of God.

Hey numbnuts, chop that pepper.

"YES, CHEF".

I demand the same from the dog walkers that work for me.

Hey, pick up that poop now!

"YES, DOGWALKER".

Makes me feel special.

Helloooo Newman: The best medicine

Helloooo Newman: The best medicine: If laughter is the best medicine, why don't doctors learn standup? My doctor has the sense of humour of a colon polyp. It would save mon...

The best medicine

If laughter is the best medicine, why don't doctors learn standup?

My doctor has the sense of humour of a colon polyp.

It would save money and time, too.

Think about it. Your surgeon operates while he already has you in stitches.

Helloooo Newman: Czar Search

Helloooo Newman: Czar Search: Finally Finally! The search ends. Toronto has found a congestion czar.  No, not for your sinuses. The traffic! What's been holding you b...

Czar Search

Finally

Finally!

The search ends.

Toronto has found a congestion czar. 

No, not for your sinuses.

The traffic!

What's been holding you back from driving to get food?

The absence of a congestion czar.

With his magic wand and fairy dust, he will fit more and more cars into the same old roads. Actually, even less road, if you subtract the potholes.

Unfortunately he's stuck on the Gardiner and will not start for another 6 months.

Helloooo Newman: Your deadness

Helloooo Newman: Your deadness: Poor Pope. He's in for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig disappointment.

Your deadness

Poor Pope.

He's in for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig disappointment.

Helloooo Newman: Food Court

Helloooo Newman: Food Court: Got in a food fight and got arrested. Had to go to a food court. Full of sleazy people. Lost. Food in jail sucks. Overcooked jail bird.

Food Court

Got in a food fight and got arrested.

Had to go to a food court. Full of sleazy people.

Lost.

Food in jail sucks. Overcooked jail bird.

Helloooo Newman: Who nose?

Helloooo Newman: Who nose?: It's strange, and more than a little ironic, that I'll never know what my nose smells like. Only the things around it. Why? Who nose...

Who nose?

It's strange, and more than a little ironic, that I'll never know what my nose smells like.

Only the things around it.

Why?

Who nose?

Helloooo Newman: What's the hubbub?

Helloooo Newman: What's the hubbub?: Today I saw a turquoise-coloured car with matching coloured hubs. No! It's the vehicular equivalent of wearing a white t-shirt with the ...

What's the hubbub?

Today I saw a turquoise-coloured car with matching coloured hubs.

No!

It's the vehicular equivalent of wearing a white t-shirt with the pocket matching your blue pants.

Stop it!

Looney Tunes

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Tariff season

Fwee Twade season

Helloooo Newman: Food warning

Helloooo Newman: Food warning: Who's the Einstein that came up with the name rapeseed? It needs to be changed! Rape should never appear anywhere close to seed, rape sh...

Food warning

Who's the Einstein that came up with the name rapeseed?

It needs to be changed!

Rape should never appear anywhere close to seed, rape should never be a name of anything and no food should be called rapewhatever.

It's too bad. It's one of the healthiest oils you can eat.

But you're on a first date and you ask for rapeseed on your salad?

No!

Helloooo Newman: Casket case

Helloooo Newman: Casket case: I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat...

Casket case

I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat a crappy meal, talk to someone you don't know and dance to Neil Diamond.

Oh, and no gifts. No expensive chinaware needed.

One thing I've never understood about funerals is the open casket.

I don't get it.

You tell the dead guy to rest in peace and then you have a 100 strangers he doesn't remember staring at him and gossiping right there while he can't defend himself. It's mean.

Leave him alone. It's hard enough being dead and he can't even join the party.

Anytime I've seen an open casket, I always think, dude, ya you look good with 9 layers of makeup on and pumped full of chemicals. But let's face it. You've looked better. Let's close the lid now.

And all the makeup can't be good for the skin. And forget about the stiff suit every dead guy is forced to wear. He's literally a stuffed suit. Why can't someone wear Bermuda shorts and a sweater vest? I they want to.

Why have a lid if you're not going to use it? Wouldn't the coffin be cheaper if you skipped the lid? It's like having a bbq and buying the cover. Do you know how much those covers cost? Who needs it? Save some money.

When you think about it, though, why do coffins have lids at all? So you won't get dirt on the corpse? Oh no, there's a nasty stain on his suit! Meanwhile 10 million worms are munching away.

Finally, when you see the price of caskets, you'll be a casket case.

Go the cool way.

Go cremation.

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing: You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?...

Window undressing

You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?

Nah, me neither!

Helloooo Newman: OCD

Helloooo Newman: OCD: Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD. Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

OCD

Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD.

Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

Like facing the TV and the beer fridge.

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus: Trump is promising $1000 for every new baby. I just don't think Elon deserves $1000.

Baby bonus

Trump is promising $1000 for every new baby.

I just don't think Elon deserves $1000.

Helloooo Newman: My new band

Helloooo Newman: My new band: If you find the time, come watch my new band. It's called OCDC. We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage a...

My new band

If you find the time, come watch my new band.

It's called OCDC.

We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage and then the show is over.

Good family entertainment. No bad language. No politics.

Beer's $30 a cup, though.

Spill it and you're dead.

Also wash your hands before you come.

Helloooo Newman: Frogs at work

Helloooo Newman: Frogs at work: I wonder if frogs ever tell each other to "hop to it" when they really need something done or would it confuse them because they h...

Frogs at work

I wonder if frogs ever tell each other to "hop to it" when they really need something done or would it confuse them because they hop to everything.

Helloooo Newman: The duplicative times we live in

Helloooo Newman: The duplicative times we live in: Aren't you impressed with our new unelected leader? Mark Carney. Yesterday he blew me away with his intellectual skill and prowess as a ...

The duplicative times we live in

Aren't you impressed with our new unelected leader?

Mark Carney.

Yesterday he blew me away with his intellectual skill and prowess as a leader. He used the word "duplicative" in a sentence. That's banker talk.

I had to look it up…and it's a cool word. I had my wife look it up too which, once I knew the meaning, I realized was duplicative of me.

It means to duplicate things, like spending and resources. Apparently it's important now to get rid of government duplicating things. It's a waste of resources. Unless you're at Staples and you need duplicates of your marriage licence or your immigration status. That's allowed. And duplicating people. We need a higher birth rate.

I guess it hasn't occurred to him that the CBC, which the government pays 1.2 billion for every year, might be a duplication of all the other tv channels we have. But getting rid of the CBC and Tim Hortons would be a lobotomization of the Canadian spirit.

But we do need to duplicate more family doctors and nurses. Hey, I know where you can get your hands on 1.2 billion.

I thought it was duplicitous times we lived in but I guess it's really duplicative. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. 

Meanwhile, there's poor Pollyeve. Pollyviril? Pollyvirus? With his arch nemesis gone, he thought he was running against Art Carney and has been watching The Honeymooners non-stop with Doug the Slug to get dirt on his opponent. Now that the carbon tax is gone, I guess we'll be carbon dating PPs usefulness.

And the NDP?

Who?

Happy voting.

Helloooo Newman: Pop quiz

Helloooo Newman: Pop quiz: Good girl, Coco. Now for a treat, what's Pi to the fourth digit? Whipped cream? I love pie! I can't count. Tell me!

Pop quiz

Good girl, Coco. Now for a treat, what's Pi to the fourth digit?

Whipped cream?

I love pie!

I can't count. Tell me!

Helloooo Newman: Wrong Planet

Helloooo Newman: Wrong Planet: The rescued astronauts shocked everyone today by expressing outrage at coming home. Did we say earth? Did we? Did we say we wanted to come b...

Wrong Planet

The rescued astronauts shocked everyone today by expressing outrage at coming home.

Did we say earth? Did we? Did we say we wanted to come back here?

They were hoping for a nice sane planet in the constellation Caelum, even though it takes 2 billion years to get there and house prices are even worse.

Helloooo Newman: Hockey name in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Hockey name in Canada: In order to get everyone on board with the fight against climate change, the Edmonton Oilers will now be called the Edmonton Car Batteries. ...

Hockey name in Canada

In order to get everyone on board with the fight against climate change, the Edmonton Oilers will now be called the Edmonton Car Batteries.

Don't forget.

Helloooo Newman: Mad Max: Battery Done Died

Helloooo Newman: Mad Max: Battery Done Died: Normally I can't stand movie sequels.  Save for a few –  The Godfather   2 obviously, some of the Alien movies. But generally, if I wer...

Mad Max: Battery Done Died

Normally I can't stand movie sequels. 

Save for a few – The Godfather 2 obviously, some of the Alien movies.

But generally, if I were a movie maker I'd stay far away from sequels, especially when they're based on an already great movie.

The only exception I'll make is when a great idea for a script comes along, like the one I've written.

It's called Mad Max: Battery Done Died.

Get this.

Takes place in the future, after an apocalypse, like Trump's second term in office. Or maybe his third.

It's all evil gangs and electric cars.

The electric cars are trying to chase each other down and terrorize each other and it's complete mayhem.

But no one can find a charging station out in the middle of nowhere. So the cars and evil gangs sit around waiting. Until society changes from its addiction to oil and there's more charging stations.

I'm optioning it to several studios as I write. Haven't heard back yet. Weird!

Stay tuned at a movie theatre near you!

Helloooo Newman: The Artful DOGER

Helloooo Newman: The Artful DOGER: Coming to America. Okay, it's already here. The Artful DOGER, starring Elon Musk. He's the leader of Trump's gang. Picks your po...

The Artful DOGER

Coming to America.

Okay, it's already here.

The Artful DOGER, starring Elon Musk.

He's the leader of Trump's gang. Picks your pocket on your way out the door from being fired.

Can sing a tune, too.

Runs for 4 years. Maybe 8!

Helloooo Newman: Let's get pissed

Helloooo Newman: Let's get pissed: It is said that Trump is really Putin's dog. If that's true, and he wants to own Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gaza strip...

Let's get pissed

It is said that Trump is really Putin's dog.

If that's true, and he wants to own Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gaza strip and perhaps the entire globe, why doesn't he just pee on them?

That's what my dog does to secure ownership. The whole neighbourhood knows he owns it.

And hey, isn't there a theory that some Russian hookers peed on him?

That must be Putin's way of owning him.

For more political commentary, stay tuned.

Helloooo Newman: Substance

Helloooo Newman: Substance: Too bad Demi Moore didn't have the votes to win best actress, but I voted for her for Ontario Premier. She's the only one with Subst...

Substance

Too bad Demi Moore didn't have the votes to win best actress, but I voted for her for Ontario Premier.

She's the only one with Substance.