Helloooo Newman: An American Education: So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis. Seems like a smart guy. Smarter th...
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Thursday, 30 July 2020
An American Education
So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis.
Seems like a smart guy. Smarter than me, obviously. Perhaps I could get a Doctorate in Zythology (the study of beer), but even that's iffy. There'd be a lot of beer pressure to drink…beer.
This doctor is in his 70s, I would guess. When asked what he thought of the government's response to covid, he said, "Well, it reminds me of the three Ds. Distressing, depressing, and as we like to say in my family, D-U-M, DUM."
Now, I'm no Road's Scholar, as I've said. Not even a beaten-up-path Scholar or a back-alleyway-where-hookers-hang-out scholar.
But I'm smart enough to see dumb.
Maybe he was thinking of "dum" or "dumdum" bullets. Those are bullets that explode on impact.
Now that's something every American can spell.
Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid
Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid: Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka a...
Comrade Covid
Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka at midnight on August 9th.
Wednesday, 29 July 2020
Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus
Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus: In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their suppor...
Democratic Virus
In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their support comes from Republican politicians.
Said 5 million virus, who represent the group: "Even we know how dangerous we are. You won't hear this on the news but we wear masks around each other. It's a no-brainer".
Republicans refuse to allow the virus to mail in their votes.
Said 5 million virus, who represent the group: "Even we know how dangerous we are. You won't hear this on the news but we wear masks around each other. It's a no-brainer".
Republicans refuse to allow the virus to mail in their votes.
Saturday, 25 July 2020
Helloooo Newman: cognidiot
Helloooo Newman: cognidiot: It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying thi...
cognidiot
It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying this strange phenomenon.
President Trump fully supports contact tracing. "Last week I traced a picture of an aircraft carrier. Very detailed. All those little planes and radars. Took 5 days. You could attack a country with this tracing. More people should do it."
The FBI has discovered that Mitch McConnell is hoarding potential covid vaccine in his neck. Mr. McConnell also has the distinction of being declared the whitest person in history.
Sunday, 19 July 2020
Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger
Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger: Finally, masks are mandatory. About time. Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days. Some laughed. No more.
The Masked Blogger
Finally, masks are mandatory. About time.
Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days.
Some laughed. No more.
Saturday, 18 July 2020
One Small Step for Man
It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians.
Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone number) to buy beer now allows you to drink on a patio WITHOUT a child-proof fence surrounding you – protecting you from certain death.
That means people are drinking on…the streets.
Maybe some day the LCBO can be called what it really is…a LIQUOUR store.
Shhhhhhh.
Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone number) to buy beer now allows you to drink on a patio WITHOUT a child-proof fence surrounding you – protecting you from certain death.
That means people are drinking on…the streets.
Maybe some day the LCBO can be called what it really is…a LIQUOUR store.
Shhhhhhh.
Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man
Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man: It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians. Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone...
Helloooo Newman: Free Energy
Helloooo Newman: Free Energy: I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved. The second law of the...
Free Energy
I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved.
The second law of thermodynamics tells us that entropy, or disorder, always increases. This explains the hair constantly growing in my ears and not on my head.
The third law is too confusing and I'm tired from thinking.
The second law of thermodynamics tells us that entropy, or disorder, always increases. This explains the hair constantly growing in my ears and not on my head.
The third law is too confusing and I'm tired from thinking.
Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter
Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter: I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink. People suck at m...
Bean Counter
I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink.
People suck at making accurate predictions. And you know who's the worst at predicting? Experts, believe it or not. Yup. Research shows that experts over-analyze and tend to discount the importance of random, out-of-the-blue events.
People suck at making accurate predictions. And you know who's the worst at predicting? Experts, believe it or not. Yup. Research shows that experts over-analyze and tend to discount the importance of random, out-of-the-blue events.
Having said all this, I'm kind of proud that I predicted a president of the United States would some day, from the Oval Office, peddle a can of beans with a huge smile on his leader-of-the-free-world face.
It wasn't a perfect prediction. I wasn't sure which president, or which brand of beans. If I'm honest, I didn't even know the type of bean. No one can predict with that kind of accuracy. But somehow I just knew it was gonna happen.
Wait until you see what's coming next.
Wednesday, 15 July 2020
Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding
Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding: I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.
The Importance of Defunding
I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.
Saturday, 11 July 2020
Helloooo Newman: Weight of the World
Helloooo Newman: Weight of the World: Haven't slept very well for a while. Feel like I have the weight of the world on me. Last night I realized it was my weighted blanket....
Weight of the World
Haven't slept very well for a while. Feel like I have the weight of the world on me.
Last night I realized it was my weighted blanket. I'm not carrying that burden anymore.
Sheets from now on.
Last night I realized it was my weighted blanket. I'm not carrying that burden anymore.
Sheets from now on.
Friday, 10 July 2020
Helloooo Newman: Degrees of Freedom
Helloooo Newman: Degrees of Freedom: Fuck it's hot out, ain't it? Way too hot to cook bacon in a 400 degree oven. That would be crazy. So I turned it down to 350. To...
Degrees of Freedom
Fuck it's hot out, ain't it?
Way too hot to cook bacon in a 400 degree oven. That would be crazy.
So I turned it down to 350. Took a bit longer but I'm willing to sacrifice.
Ah, freedom.
Way too hot to cook bacon in a 400 degree oven. That would be crazy.
So I turned it down to 350. Took a bit longer but I'm willing to sacrifice.
Ah, freedom.
Sunday, 5 July 2020
Helloooo Newman: White House
Helloooo Newman: White House: I'm painting my outhouse at the cottage white and calling it the White House, just like they've done in the US.
White House
I'm painting my outhouse at the cottage white and calling it the White House,
just like they've done in the US.
just like they've done in the US.
Thursday, 2 July 2020
Tuesday, 30 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Fatherboard
Helloooo Newman: Fatherboard: How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father? As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father...
Fatherboard
How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father?
As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father.
I'm selling computers with a motherboard and fatherboard (also called a parentsboard). Whenever the computer has a query, it first sends a message to the fatherboard and the fatherboard says, "ask your mother."
I'm selling computers with a motherboard and fatherboard (also called a parentsboard). Whenever the computer has a query, it first sends a message to the fatherboard and the fatherboard says, "ask your mother."
Thursday, 25 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son
Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son: Why haven't we heard from Godzilla's son, Jesuszilla? It's time he came back.
Wednesday, 17 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God
Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God: True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God. Not Quite True Story: Here's his convers...
Breaking Up With God
True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God.
Not Quite True Story: Here's his conversation with God
God: Really? I didn't notice.
Rock Star: You didn't notice my lack of faith?
God: Honestly, no. It's been a busy last few months up here.
Rock Star: How can you say that? I've been tearing apart every cell in my body struggling with this. I could barely sing your glorious songs on stage without feeling massive existential angst. Did you not realize my Bible has been gathering dust under a stack of comic books for a year?
God: You don't say. I knew I should have added pictures. By the way, some of your songs are a little over-produced.
Rock Star: Ya, you're right. They wouldn't listen to me. "We're following God's will", they said.
God: I don't manage bands. Hey, have you met Bono?
Rock Star: No.
God: Damn. Seems like a neat guy. Always trying to save the world. Of course, I overlook that he hides his money in other countries to save taxes. We all pay in the end.
Rock Star: Where do I go now? What's my path? My journey?
God: Don't look at me. Here's an idea. Maybe you're confusing lack of faith with lack of a successful career.
Rock Star: Huh?
God: Believe in yourself. Forget about me. I'm doing fine.
Rock Star: And that means…
God: Who are you talking to right now?
Rock Star: You.
God: You sure?
Rock Star: Are you trying to send me a message?
God: No, I'm trying to get back to work. Now run along and think about what I said.
Monday, 15 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles
Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles: Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my ...
Tiny Bubbles
Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my list of things to enjoy, but now that I'm allowed to, why not?
Just as I was fitting my tenth friend into my friend bubble, someone came along and burst my bubble. My friends fell out and died from head wounds.
The media keeps telling me to get out of my bubble. Learn about the world and people. Now I'm suppose to create a bubble and get in it with ten friends. Confusing.
Just as I was fitting my tenth friend into my friend bubble, someone came along and burst my bubble. My friends fell out and died from head wounds.
The media keeps telling me to get out of my bubble. Learn about the world and people. Now I'm suppose to create a bubble and get in it with ten friends. Confusing.
Saturday, 13 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Warp Core
Helloooo Newman: Warp Core: I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.
Warp Core
I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.
Monday, 8 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: How Come?
Helloooo Newman: How Come?: How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together" ? Why not one and one? It'...
How Come?
How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together"? Why not one and one? It's easier math. I think way back when they invented math, someone was showing their addition skills off. I usually put pi and ice cream together. Much more rewarding.
How come half and half cream isn't called whole cream? Two halves make a whole, no? Lousy math.
How come we don't pronounce it zedbra in Canada?
How come we still call it mileage?
How come half and half cream isn't called whole cream? Two halves make a whole, no? Lousy math.
How come we don't pronounce it zedbra in Canada?
How come we still call it mileage?
How come when someone says something, we say it came from their lips. "From her lips came the words "I love you". No way. Came from her voice box, which travels along her vocal tract, a complicated system that pushes air to make sound and also involves the larynx, pharynx, mouth and nasal cavity. The lips are minimally involved, and only at the last second. The only thing that actually comes from her lips is lipstick, and you better not let your wife see it.
Sunday, 7 June 2020
Wednesday, 3 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants
Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants: Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures. The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water ...
Smart Plants
Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures.
The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water and when I'm watering them with a hose. They know the real stuff. They hate the fake stuff. That's the only reasonable explanation for why every plant that's every been in my company has died a prompt death.
When I water a plant, the plant says (or thinks, since I've never heard them talk) "ha, Paul has the hose on us again. Thinks it will keep us alive. We'll show him."
And then they die. It's mean of them. I have to drink water from a tap. I don't always run out and open my mouth when it's raining to get me daily 7 glasses. Why can't plants do the same?
I once had a cactus and the instructions said don't over-water. So I didn't over-water. Thing died in about 2 weeks. Left a note saying "you didn't water me enough."
Give me a break. But what a smart cactus.
The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water and when I'm watering them with a hose. They know the real stuff. They hate the fake stuff. That's the only reasonable explanation for why every plant that's every been in my company has died a prompt death.
When I water a plant, the plant says (or thinks, since I've never heard them talk) "ha, Paul has the hose on us again. Thinks it will keep us alive. We'll show him."
And then they die. It's mean of them. I have to drink water from a tap. I don't always run out and open my mouth when it's raining to get me daily 7 glasses. Why can't plants do the same?
I once had a cactus and the instructions said don't over-water. So I didn't over-water. Thing died in about 2 weeks. Left a note saying "you didn't water me enough."
Give me a break. But what a smart cactus.
Tuesday, 2 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend
Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend: Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.
Urban Legend
Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.
Monday, 1 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times
Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times: These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last unprecedented times.
Unprecedented Times
These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last
unprecedented times.
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