Helloooo Newman: Woke up, got out of bed: Is it possible to be a woke person and still nap all day?
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Thursday, 2 July 2020
Tuesday, 30 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Fatherboard
Helloooo Newman: Fatherboard: How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father? As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father...
Fatherboard
How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father?
As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father.
I'm selling computers with a motherboard and fatherboard (also called a parentsboard). Whenever the computer has a query, it first sends a message to the fatherboard and the fatherboard says, "ask your mother."
I'm selling computers with a motherboard and fatherboard (also called a parentsboard). Whenever the computer has a query, it first sends a message to the fatherboard and the fatherboard says, "ask your mother."
Thursday, 25 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son
Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son: Why haven't we heard from Godzilla's son, Jesuszilla? It's time he came back.
Wednesday, 17 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God
Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God: True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God. Not Quite True Story: Here's his convers...
Breaking Up With God
True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God.
Not Quite True Story: Here's his conversation with God
God: Really? I didn't notice.
Rock Star: You didn't notice my lack of faith?
God: Honestly, no. It's been a busy last few months up here.
Rock Star: How can you say that? I've been tearing apart every cell in my body struggling with this. I could barely sing your glorious songs on stage without feeling massive existential angst. Did you not realize my Bible has been gathering dust under a stack of comic books for a year?
God: You don't say. I knew I should have added pictures. By the way, some of your songs are a little over-produced.
Rock Star: Ya, you're right. They wouldn't listen to me. "We're following God's will", they said.
God: I don't manage bands. Hey, have you met Bono?
Rock Star: No.
God: Damn. Seems like a neat guy. Always trying to save the world. Of course, I overlook that he hides his money in other countries to save taxes. We all pay in the end.
Rock Star: Where do I go now? What's my path? My journey?
God: Don't look at me. Here's an idea. Maybe you're confusing lack of faith with lack of a successful career.
Rock Star: Huh?
God: Believe in yourself. Forget about me. I'm doing fine.
Rock Star: And that means…
God: Who are you talking to right now?
Rock Star: You.
God: You sure?
Rock Star: Are you trying to send me a message?
God: No, I'm trying to get back to work. Now run along and think about what I said.
Monday, 15 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles
Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles: Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my ...
Tiny Bubbles
Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my list of things to enjoy, but now that I'm allowed to, why not?
Just as I was fitting my tenth friend into my friend bubble, someone came along and burst my bubble. My friends fell out and died from head wounds.
The media keeps telling me to get out of my bubble. Learn about the world and people. Now I'm suppose to create a bubble and get in it with ten friends. Confusing.
Just as I was fitting my tenth friend into my friend bubble, someone came along and burst my bubble. My friends fell out and died from head wounds.
The media keeps telling me to get out of my bubble. Learn about the world and people. Now I'm suppose to create a bubble and get in it with ten friends. Confusing.
Saturday, 13 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Warp Core
Helloooo Newman: Warp Core: I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.
Warp Core
I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.
Monday, 8 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: How Come?
Helloooo Newman: How Come?: How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together" ? Why not one and one? It'...
How Come?
How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together"? Why not one and one? It's easier math. I think way back when they invented math, someone was showing their addition skills off. I usually put pi and ice cream together. Much more rewarding.
How come half and half cream isn't called whole cream? Two halves make a whole, no? Lousy math.
How come we don't pronounce it zedbra in Canada?
How come we still call it mileage?
How come half and half cream isn't called whole cream? Two halves make a whole, no? Lousy math.
How come we don't pronounce it zedbra in Canada?
How come we still call it mileage?
How come when someone says something, we say it came from their lips. "From her lips came the words "I love you". No way. Came from her voice box, which travels along her vocal tract, a complicated system that pushes air to make sound and also involves the larynx, pharynx, mouth and nasal cavity. The lips are minimally involved, and only at the last second. The only thing that actually comes from her lips is lipstick, and you better not let your wife see it.
Sunday, 7 June 2020
Wednesday, 3 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants
Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants: Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures. The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water ...
Smart Plants
Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures.
The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water and when I'm watering them with a hose. They know the real stuff. They hate the fake stuff. That's the only reasonable explanation for why every plant that's every been in my company has died a prompt death.
When I water a plant, the plant says (or thinks, since I've never heard them talk) "ha, Paul has the hose on us again. Thinks it will keep us alive. We'll show him."
And then they die. It's mean of them. I have to drink water from a tap. I don't always run out and open my mouth when it's raining to get me daily 7 glasses. Why can't plants do the same?
I once had a cactus and the instructions said don't over-water. So I didn't over-water. Thing died in about 2 weeks. Left a note saying "you didn't water me enough."
Give me a break. But what a smart cactus.
The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water and when I'm watering them with a hose. They know the real stuff. They hate the fake stuff. That's the only reasonable explanation for why every plant that's every been in my company has died a prompt death.
When I water a plant, the plant says (or thinks, since I've never heard them talk) "ha, Paul has the hose on us again. Thinks it will keep us alive. We'll show him."
And then they die. It's mean of them. I have to drink water from a tap. I don't always run out and open my mouth when it's raining to get me daily 7 glasses. Why can't plants do the same?
I once had a cactus and the instructions said don't over-water. So I didn't over-water. Thing died in about 2 weeks. Left a note saying "you didn't water me enough."
Give me a break. But what a smart cactus.
Tuesday, 2 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend
Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend: Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.
Urban Legend
Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.
Monday, 1 June 2020
Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times
Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times: These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last unprecedented times.
Unprecedented Times
These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last
unprecedented times.
Saturday, 30 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Recession
Helloooo Newman: Recession: What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession. Can I take anti-recessants?...
Recession
What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession.
Can I take anti-recessants?
Can I take anti-recessants?
Sunday, 24 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable
Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable: The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics. It turns out that Kim ...
Kim Jong-un believeable
The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics.
It turns out that Kim cannot, after all, bend time and space. Interestingly though, he can bend a 260 mile Twinkie and insert it in his mouth. That's the length of the Korean DMZ and Kim's ego.
Upon hearing this, the song Break it to Them Gently came to mind. By Burton Cummings. There's also a song by Brenda Lee called Break it to Me Gently, which would do fine too, but kind of before my time.
I really wish they would have properly prepared the world for this startling news. You can't just go and break illusions like that and expect things to go on like tickety-boo.
To quote the regime: Kim cannot disappear, bend space and reappear somewhere else. That's impossible."
The real scandal is that they are wrong about this. General Relativity does, indeed, predict wormholes, which would allow you to travel huge distances in a short time by warping space. Keep in mind that space warps in the presence of a huge mass, like Kim's stomach. Of course, you need to build an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which I'm told doesn't come cheap, and you can't even drive your car over it. It would cost way more to build than the Chunnel did, and at the end of it you can't buy a freshly baked croissant.
But just imagine, in the morning you can get from your bed to the coffee maker instantly. Not quite fast enough for me, but it'll have to do.
Maybe Kim is short-selling himself. Has he ever tried travelling through a wormhole? He is, after all, Rocket Man. Would he fit in one? What would it do to his hair?
Important questions that science needs to answer.
Wednesday, 20 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister: Yesterday we played Twister with social distancing. Some call it yoga.
Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut
Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut: I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.
Golf Nut
I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.
Monday, 18 May 2020
Wednesday, 13 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery: People who want an apandectomy want all the restrictions removed.
Monday, 11 May 2020
Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets
Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets: Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down ...
Murder Hornets
Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down to class-bee misdemeanors.
Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours
Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours: I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or ...
Visiting Hours
I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or maybe it would be a better visit that way.
What would we talk about, I wonder? Did you know he actually wrote a song that the Beach Boys recorded? But they changed the words and Mr. Manson got really mad. He gave Dennis Wilson, once a fan of Charles, a bullet to express his displeasure.
I'd definitely ask Mr. Manson about that, since questions like, "What do you think of the weather we're having" probably wouldn't interest a guy that has anger issues the size of the Big Bang.
Oh, and when Mr. Manson presented Mr. Wilson with the bullet, Mr. Wilson beat the crap out of Mr. Manson.
I'd do that too. After a nice conversation, I'd beat the crap out of Mr. Manson. But I wouldn't stop until he couldn't converse anymore.
Sigh. I miss having people over.
What would we talk about, I wonder? Did you know he actually wrote a song that the Beach Boys recorded? But they changed the words and Mr. Manson got really mad. He gave Dennis Wilson, once a fan of Charles, a bullet to express his displeasure.
I'd definitely ask Mr. Manson about that, since questions like, "What do you think of the weather we're having" probably wouldn't interest a guy that has anger issues the size of the Big Bang.
Oh, and when Mr. Manson presented Mr. Wilson with the bullet, Mr. Wilson beat the crap out of Mr. Manson.
I'd do that too. After a nice conversation, I'd beat the crap out of Mr. Manson. But I wouldn't stop until he couldn't converse anymore.
Sigh. I miss having people over.
Wednesday, 6 May 2020
Fighting Spirit
For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies.
Finally, I'm learning something useful on Farcebook.
Finally, I'm learning something useful on Farcebook.
Sorry. Facebook.
Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit
Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit: For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies. Finally, Facebook is useful.
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