Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: Shouldn't we only call it an elevator when it's going up ? It's elevating you. When it's going down, it's a lowervator ...

Thoughty Thoughts

Shouldn't we only call it an elevator when it's going up? It's elevating you. When it's going down, it's a lowervator.

Same with escalator. When you're going down, you are on a deescalator. You are deescalating. If you're in a fight and going up an escalator, can we say the fight is escalating? By the time you reach the top it turns into a shooting match. Better get on the deescalator fast.

It's two thousand degrees out, my fillings are sweating, and I'm wondering where the term air conditioning originated.

It makes no sense.

Are we really conditioning the air? Is that like hair conditioner? Oooh, this air is so smooth. So much body.

If conditioning the air means making it comfortable for our needs, then wouldn't heating it also be air conditioning? When it's winter?

No. We use a heater to heat. We don't use a colder to cool down.

We don't call it an air heater. An oven isn't a food heater.

But when we want a hot shower, suddenly we have a water heater.

Freezer is an honest name. It freezes things. When we want to thaw things, we use a…microwave oven. Not a thawer.

So we can't call an air conditioner an air cooler. But when we buy a 6-pack of beer, we don't put it in an air conditioner. We put it in a cooler. A beer cooler. Not a beer conditioner.

I'm so meticulous, it's ridiculous.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: How come a stiff drink softens me up, tightening the screws loosens my resolve, and sharpening my wit dulls the pain?

Thoughty Thoughts

How come a stiff drink softens me up, tightening the screws loosens my resolve, and sharpening my wit dulls the pain?

Helloooo Newman: Transitioning

Helloooo Newman: Transitioning: I just found out my glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud of them. They always felt…female.

Transitioning

I just found out my glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud of them.

They always felt…female.

Helloooo Newman: Best Foot Forward

Helloooo Newman: Best Foot Forward: They tell me to put my best foot forward , but I can't tell which foot that is. I've examined them closely. They look the same. I ...

Best Foot Forward

They tell me to put my best foot forward, but I can't tell which foot that is.

I've examined them closely. They look the same. I think they have the same IQ, in terms of walking ability. I can balance easily on one or the other, except after 4 or 5 Jägermeister. I'm usually trying to balance on my head by that time.

By the way, I sure as hell need a pedicure.

I tried putting both feet forward at the same time. Two feet are better than one, right?

Fell on my ass. Can I just put my best chair forward, with me sitting in it?

Helloooo Newman: Freezer Burn

Helloooo Newman: Freezer Burn: There are two reasons I would not freeze myself (cryogenics), to be woken up far in the future when they find a cure for my illness. Firs...

Freezer Burn

There are two reasons I would not freeze myself (cryogenics), to be woken up far in the future when they find a cure for my illness.

First, the world is getting more fucked up, not less. Why the hell would I stick myself in the frozen food section and wake up to a even more rancid, rotting, spoiled piece of old blood-pudding-of-a-world?

More importantly, would I get freezer burn? You know how hard I work on my complexion? I just pulled a steak out of my freezer that was in stasis for 6 months. My God, what the hell is that, I thought. Will I end up looking like this…um… meat? It looked like a cross between Gene Simmons' tongue and Marilyn Manson's smile.

Paul, you smell like dead fish fart soup. Go back to the grave.

Helloooo Newman: Room for Milk

Helloooo Newman: Room for Milk: I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room for breast milk. I ordered two coffees at Starbucks and asked the guy to l...

Room for Milk

I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room for breast milk.

I ordered two coffees at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room in one of them for ketamine.

I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room for UN peacekeepers.

I ordered a coffee at Starbucks. Then I asked very loudly for a second cup. Can I have a Second cup. Second cup, please. Then I pretended I saw my friend Tim and yelled out his name. Tim Horton. Tim Horton. Hey Tim Horton. Nice to see you.

Helloooo Newman: Prenatal

Helloooo Newman: Prenatal: I support prenatal spanking.

Prenatal

I support prenatal spanking.

Helloooo Newman: Staples

Helloooo Newman: Staples: I went into a Staples and asked where the EpiPens were. Can I get those in a sharpie?

Staples

I went into a Staples and asked where the EpiPens were. Can I get those in a sharpie?

Helloooo Newman: Not Selling Like Hotcakes

Helloooo Newman: Not Selling Like Hotcakes: If I write a book and it sells 3 copies, obviously you can't say it's selling like hotcakes. But what is it selling like? Like dog...

Not Selling Like Hotcakes

If I write a book and it sells 3 copies, obviously you can't say it's selling like hotcakes.

But what is it selling like? Like dog shit in a bag? That's it. I can't give that stuff away.

Helloooo Newman: Family Tree

Helloooo Newman: Family Tree: I researched my family tree and found out it's a Foxglove weed.

Family Tree

I researched my family tree and found out it's a Foxglove weed.

Helloooo Newman: One or Two Virgins

Helloooo Newman: One or Two Virgins: Does Heaven ever run out of virgins? God (Allah) must have trouble meeting the demand. Think of how many terrorists have been killed sinc...

One or Two Virgins

Does Heaven ever run out of virgins?

God (Allah) must have trouble meeting the demand. Think of how many terrorists have been killed since 9/11, and each one gets 72 virgins all to himself. Do the math. The numbers are staggering. Where do they all come from? Just how old are they? (disgusted face)

A woman can only be a virgin once, as I understand it. Unless Putin hacks their vagina and erases their virginity. Then posts it to Facebook. Status: previously pristine.

I was kind of hoping I could visit a virgin or two when I get to Heaven. I'll be single, since "til death do us part" means once I die I'm no longer married. I won't sacrifice myself for Allah, mostly because there's no way I could handle 72 virgins. I'll be asleep half way through the second one.

So one or two is good. Can I order now?

Helloooo Newman: God's Country

Helloooo Newman: God's Country: I've never understood the phrase "God's Country" . "This land is God's country." Why is it always located ...

God's Country

I've never understood the phrase "God's Country".

"This land is God's country." Why is it always located in the country?

You never hear, "This is God's city." "This is God's condo. He lives on floor 120000001, overlooking humanity." In the evenings, He and his son lift the entire universe in the weight room and then walk on the pool water, all conveniently included in the low condo fees of $1 billion per year. No wonder churches need money.

Later they order pizza but it never arrives. The elevators are down. There's only a stairway to Heaven and the pizza man dies of exhaustion on the way.

It's impossible to get pizza delivery in the country, God. You can get some good banjo lessons. And you know what else is hard to find? Hookers. Impossible. Too much square mileage. I've never seen a hooker standing on the side of a highway. The city's loaded with them. I can have four of them in your condo tub before you can change the water into wine.

And why aren't you out there farming your land? Get your lazy son to build something. He's a carpenter, right? And he's not really busy these days, you know what I mean? Like, always skipping the second coming.

Most people live in cities, God. By the year 2085, 200% of the world's population will live in them.

Dear God: It's time you got out and stretched your omnipotence. Please consider cities.

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows: What the hell is a throw pillow? Is it a pillow you throw out? Or do you throw it at someone. I would call that a pillow fight. Maybe ...

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: Have they banned tank tops for old men yet?

Thoughty Thoughts

Have they banned tank tops for old men yet?

Throwing Pillows

What the hell is a throw pillow? Is it a pillow you throw out? Or do you throw it at someone. I would call that a pillow fight.

Maybe it's a pillow that throws a good punch. The Ali/Frazier Collection. Knocks you out for the night.

In any event, it's a pillow that spends its life on the sofa, so who cares how it got there? "Ya, that pillow I threw onto the sofa 12 years ago. It hasn't moved since."

"And this other pillow?"

"That one was gently placed there. Don't use it. It's delicate."

Helloooo Newman: Your Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Your Thoughts: I wonder what it costs for someone's thoughts these days. Especially with the penny no longer in existence. Whatever it costs, I can&#...

Your Thoughts

I wonder what it costs for someone's thoughts these days. Especially with the penny no longer in existence.

Whatever it costs, I can't afford to care what other people think.

Helloooo Newman: Escalators

Helloooo Newman: Escalators: Sometimes I wish escalators had more than one entrance on them. You know, for those times when I'm walking up 300 stairs and half way I ...

Escalators

Sometimes I wish escalators had more than one entrance on them. You know, for those times when I'm walking up 300 stairs and half way I realize, "Fuck, I'm really tired and sweaty. What a mistake this was. Should I keep going, or go back down and start alllll over again on the escalator?"

Meanwhile, people hum smoothly by me, smiling. Not sweating.

It would be nice if I could change my mind and hop on at a moments notice. Like on a subway. "I think I'll use these doors today. Wait a minute. I've never gotten on down there. That was a nice change."

I think when I approach an escalator, I have trouble committing to it. "Well, I'd like to get some exercise, but my legs are exhausted from sitting all day. Okay, its the escalator. I'll walk in my sleep."

Helloooo Newman: Pee and Poo

Helloooo Newman: Pee and Poo: I've noticed that Newman has a different relationship with pee and poo than I do. His criteria in dealing with it is…shall we say…less s...

Pee and Poo

I've noticed that Newman has a different relationship with pee and poo than I do. His criteria in dealing with it is…shall we say…less stringent? No. Not as well thought out.

Case in point. When Newman pees, he lifts his leg. This tells me that he thinks peeing on himself is gross. Otherwise he would just pee and save energy with the lift. It's smart. Makes sense. I completely agree with him about the pee.

Then, after keeping himself pee-free, he turns around and eats a piece of his own crap. What the hell is that? How does that fit with the "pee is gross" behaviour? It's completely contradictory.

I put pee and poo on pretty much the same level. I don't want either on me, even if it's in a sex game.

The sad fact is I'll never really get Newman. But I don't get my wife either, so…

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: I've never subscribed to the "if you want me to achieve something, tell me I can't do it" school of successful behaviour....

Thoughty Thoughts

I've never subscribed to the "if you want me to achieve something, tell me I can't do it" school of successful behaviour.

When someone tells me I can't do something, I say fuck it, they're probably right. So I won't do it. Saves time. It's easier. I can nap longer. If they say I can do it, I say fuck it, they're probably wrong. So I won't do it. Saves time. It's easier. I can nap longer.



I wonder if men who wear a toupee in public really think they're fooling anyone. When I turn the corner in a supermarket and see one, I think, hey, you might as well have a penis sewn to your forehead. Toss the toupees, you old farts.

Helloooo Newman: Hot Thought

Helloooo Newman: Hot Thought: It's freakishly hot summers like this when I'm reminded of that  one great chance I had to become a roofer. And I missed it...

Hot Thought

It's freakishly hot summers like this when I'm reminded of that 

one great chance I had to become a roofer.

And I missed it.

Helloooo Newman: Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you.

Helloooo Newman: Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you.: I wonder how long we will use "Einstein" as a way to denote someone who's really smart, or who thinks he's really smar...

Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you.

I wonder how long we will use "Einstein" as a way to denote someone who's really smart, or who thinks he's really smart?

"Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you."

It's mostly used sarcastically, or sardonically, or maybe ironically, could be facetiously (see also mordant, acerbic, trenchant…). I get those words mixed up all the time. Me not Einstein. For me? "Well, you're a real Julius Kelp, aren't you."

The days of using "Einstein" are numbered, I think. I don't know a single teenager who recalls the name. The closest they get is some remnant memory of an old guy sticking his tongue out. I'm convinced that's the way Einstein wanted to be remembered.

"Hawking". That seems to be the next logical replacement. "Well, you're a real Hawking, aren't you." I know. It rolls off the tongue like a spitball. Not ready for primetime.

Maybe it's time for a woman to have this illustrious spot in popular conversation. My favourite female physicist (yes, I have a list of favourite physicists) is Lisa Randall. She can string me along for hours talking string theory.

"Well, you're a real Randall, aren't you." I'm using it. I can deal with all the blank stares I'll get.

Next, we'll update "No shit, Sherlock".

Helloooo Newman: Organized

Helloooo Newman: Organized: Sometimes I wish I had joined organized crime, organized religion or organized labour when I was young. I'd be much more organized as an...

Organized

Sometimes I wish I had joined organized crime, organized religion or organized labour when I was young. I'd be much more organized as an adult.

Helloooo Newman: Bach in Time

Helloooo Newman: Bach in Time: JS Bach I'm sure ya'll heard of JS Bach, the "boss" classical composer. But did you know his family tree is a long li...

Bach in Time

JS Bach

I'm sure ya'll heard of JS Bach, the "boss" classical composer. But did you know his family tree is a long list of talented and successful musicians?

Here they are:
JA Bach (the father)
CPE Bach
JS Bach
JC Bach
WF Bach
JCF Bach
JM Bach

All geniuses in their own right. Plus, they loved to use initials.

I don't think there's been as talented a family, save for the Kardashians.

There's an uncanny resemblance between JS and KK, don't you think?