Helloooo Newman: Confessions of a Confucian

Helloooo Newman: Confessions of a Confucian: I use to follow Confucianism . Now I follow Confusingism , because the world is getting super confusing.

Confessions of a Confucian

I use to follow Confucianism.

Now I follow Confusingism, because the world is getting super confusing.

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Napea

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Napea: I have so much more awake time on my hands now that I nap while I sleep.

Sleep Napea

I have so much more awake time on my hands now that I nap while I sleep.

Helloooo Newman: Hugs Bunny

Helloooo Newman: Hugs Bunny: Some days I just need a hug from my National leader.

Hugs Bunny

Some days I just need a hug from my National leader.

Helloooo Newman: Prison Talk

Helloooo Newman: Prison Talk: I read that our prisons are full of convicts with Tourette's that, sadly, go undiagnosed. Some even catch it during their s...

Prison Talk

I read that our prisons are full of convicts with Tourette's that, sadly, go undiagnosed.

Some even catch it during their stay.

Another fucking crisis.

Helloooo Newman: Do You Make It?

Helloooo Newman: Do You Make It?: I like to make it until I fake it.

Do You Make It?

I like to make it until I fake it.

Helloooo Newman: Fight Fire with Fire?

Helloooo Newman: Fight Fire with Fire?: I started a fire, and then tried to fight it with more fire. The fire got wayyyyy bigger. Aren't you suppose to use water o...

Fight Fire with Fire?

I started a fire, and then tried to fight it with more fire. The fire got wayyyyy bigger.

Aren't you suppose to use water on fire? We don't we say, "Fight fire with water"?

Or pee. Sometimes I pee on a fire and it works great.

Helloooo Newman: Face-to-Face

Helloooo Newman: Face-to-Face: A prominent philosopher said that we should all come face-to-face with our mortality. Coincidentally, my mortality called me yesterday...

Face-to-Face

A prominent philosopher said that we should all come face-to-face with our mortality.

Coincidentally, my mortality called me yesterday.

Mortality: Paul, it's urgent that we meet.

Me: Um, thank you for calling. Ah, please leave a, ah, message after the beep…beeeeeeeep.

Mortality: Dude, I know you're there. How's next Tuesday at three? McSorley's?

Me: McSorley's? Just up from the… funeral home? That McSorley's?

Mortality: That's it. Got some questions.

Me: Darn. I have an appointment with Destiny Tuesday afternoon. He tends to ramble so I'll be awhile.

Mortality: Cancel.

Me: I can't do that. What if he decides that I won't become brilliant and famous?

Mortality: Okay, Thursday.

Me: Ya, sorry. That's my past life regression seminar.

Mortality: Friday for breakfast.

Me: Fortune teller meeting.

Mortality: Sunday.

Me: Palm reader.

Mortality: Anytime the next week.

Me: Psychic.

Mortality: Anytime in 2018?

Me: Meeting with my lawyer?

Mortality: Dude, chillax. I'm not coming to take you. I have a questionnaire for you to fill out. How you want to die, where. That kind of thing.

Me: I have a choice?

Mortality: Ya, the higher-ups want us to be more customer friendly. You have loads of time left.

I slept very well that night. We met the next day.

Helloooo Newman: Seeing His Face Every Day

Helloooo Newman: Seeing His Face Every Day: I think Donald Trump has already brought torture back.

Seeing His Face Every Day

I think Donald Trump has already brought torture back.

Helloooo Newman: Blind Leading the Blind

Helloooo Newman: Blind Leading the Blind: I took my blind friend to one of those restaurants where you eat in the dark. He loved it. Here we are above, having so much fun....

Blind Leading the Blind

I took my blind friend to one of those restaurants where you eat in the dark. He loved the concept.

Here we are above, having so much fun.

I know, I spilled quinoa all over myself. What a dunce.

My friend didn't spill a thing, which surprised me,
because he'd never done anything like this before.

Helloooo Newman: The Crush

Helloooo Newman: The Crush: I suppose it's not particularly pleasant, being crushed by 35,000 vegetables. I was on the #11 bus going home. Suddenly, the 35,0...

The Crush

I suppose it's not particularly pleasant, being crushed by 35,000 vegetables. I managed to make it fun.

I was on the #11 bus going home. Suddenly, the 35,000 (estimated) riders turned into an assortment of vegetables right before my eyes.

Well, that's how I kept myself entertained, anyway. Using my imagination that day on the crowded bus. Not a special day. An everyday.

Right behind me was a lady, ah, beefsteak tomato. It wasn't just the body shape – "roundtund". As the bus jutted 'round car and cyclist, she pressed against me, emitting a squishing sound. Not good for tomatoes, I thought. I turned, and the tomato was bruised. Clearly too ripe. Useful only for a spaghetti sauce now.

A male and female carrot were smooching five feet from me. Carrots, because of their pencilish heads and necks graduating into wider bottoms, and long frilly hair. I assumed they were married. They were bound together with that twist tie grocery stores often use. I can never undo those. I wonder if they can.

Yes, you also had your rutabagas, butternut squashes, mushrooms and asparaguses. A human medley.

A girl carrying a violin, or maybe…a fiddle? I turned her into a fiddlehead.

Thankfully, no garlic nearby.

And the eyes. Everyone had vegetable eyes. I learned not to look vegetables in the eye.

It was dinner time, and I was starving. If only there had been a few heads of lettuce, I could have cobbled together a nice salad.

Then I saw her. The immensely thin woman. Not a vegetable. A pizza crust. I was so tempted to push her into the beefsteak tomato lady, and they would fall onto the sweaty cheddar man, and I have myself the makings of a pizza. There's my dinner.

That day, on the crowded bus.

Helloooo Newman: The Spice of Life

Helloooo Newman: The Spice of Life: First Press Conference on Saturday Congratulations to Sean Spicer, Presidential spokeshitter, for finding a suit that fits properly. ...

The Spice of Life

First Press Conference on Saturday

Congratulations to Sean Spicer, Presidential spokeshitter, for finding a suit that fits properly. Sean's first cheque didn't clear until this morning, at which time he scurried over to Men's Wearhouse for a neck fitting.

It also could have been a bad imitation of David Byrne from Talking Heads.

Sean is new at this. He arrives to us after a failed audition for the Spice Girls.

Second Press Conference on Monday

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Burn Your Toast and Eat it Too

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Burn Your Toast and Eat it Too: Doctors have once again come out with sage dietary advice that all should follow. Especially for people who like living, but only if they...

You Can't Burn Your Toast and Eat it Too

Doctors have once again come out with sage dietary advice that all should follow. Especially for people who like living, but only if they can eat all the fireplace ash they desire.

You should not, on a regular basis, eat toast that looks, feels and tastes like the end of a giant Ticonderoga pencil.

Thanks, Dr. Killjoy.

"Excuse me, I would like my burger rare. I mean, my toast. Wait a minute. Coffee medium-rare, toast squishy, burger on life support."

Helloooo Newman: It's Finally All Coming Together for Me

Helloooo Newman: It's Finally All Coming Together for Me: Great news for me. One of my articles has finally been accepted by  The New Yorker . Not only that. The editor told me that on the ...

It's Finally All Coming Together for Me

Great news for me.

One of my articles has finally been accepted by The New Yorker.

Not only that. The editor told me that on the day they reviewed all the entrants, Woody Allen happened to be in the office and pointed out my submission as an exceptional piece of comedy.

It's a $5,000 pay day.

Aren't you glad you know me?

The above are, by the way, alternative facts.

Helloooo Newman: Undercover Boss

Helloooo Newman: Undercover Boss: Maybe the American Presidency is an episode of Undercover Boss. "Donald Trump" is a horrid costume to disguise his real ide...

Undercover Boss

Maybe the American Presidency is an episode of Undercover Boss.

"Donald Trump" is a horrid costume to disguise his real identity.

After feedback for his "employees", he'll take off the shroud, and it will be Jesus.

He'll give everyone $50,000 and time off for their suffering.

Helloooo Newman: B48

Helloooo Newman: B48: I'm taking B12 for more energy, but it's not working. I need at least a B48. I could also use some C4 first thing in the...

B48

I'm taking B12 for more energy, but it's not working.

I need at least a B48.

I could also use some C4 first thing in the morning to get me out of bed.

My D2R keeps me focused.

My E goes to 11.

And there's nothing like my K9 to keep me happy.

Helloooo Newman: Where Were You Born?

Helloooo Newman: Where Were You Born?: Now I wanna see Trump's earthcertificate.

Alien Sent to Destroy Us?

Now I wanna see Trump's earthcertificate.

Helloooo Newman: Counting the Seconds

Helloooo Newman: Counting the Seconds: Only 126,144,000 seconds until Donald Trump's term ends.

Counting the Seconds

Only 126,144,000 seconds until Donald Trump's term ends.

Worst case: 252,288,000 seconds

Helloooo Newman: gnillepS seeB

Helloooo Newman: gnillepS seeB: Why don't we have gnilleps seeb for people with dyslexia? I suggest declaring the winner at the beginning.

gnillepS seeB

Why don't we have gnilleps seeb for people with dyslexia?

I suggest declaring the winner at the beginning.

Helloooo Newman: Finding God

Helloooo Newman: Finding God: The last place I look for God is in the Bible. I don't think He's even read it. Yesterday I found God in this:  https://www.y...

Finding God

The last place I look for God is in the Bible. I don't think He even wants to read it.

"This book makes me look so mean. I'm not that mean."

Yesterday I found God in this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB9INrprn0M

And this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vf42IP__ipw. I have no idea what they're singing about, except some kind of flower. It's better that I don't know.

I also find him in a good pizza crust. Yes, there's nothing like a good, chewy-on-the-inside and crispy-on-the-outside pizza crust to find God.

I have yet to find the Virgin Mary in my crust.

Helloooo Newman: Booger Prevention Month

Helloooo Newman: Booger Prevention Month: Why don't dogs get boogers? I think this needs more study, in the hopes of preventing booger buildup in humans.

Booger Prevention Month

Why don't dogs get boogers?

I think this needs more study, in the hopes of preventing booger buildup in humans.

Landfill sites are full of boogers.

Helloooo Newman: Hippo Deaths Rising

Helloooo Newman: Hippo Deaths Rising: Did you know the hippocampus is responsible for more human fatalities  in Africa than any other animal? Be very afraid.

Hippo Deaths Rising

Did you know the hippocampus is responsible for more human fatalities 

in Africa than any other animal?

Be very afraid.

Helloooo Newman: Bong Disposal

Helloooo Newman: Bong Disposal: I'm going into the bong disposal business. Dangerous work but it must be done.

Bong Disposal

I'm going into the bong disposal business.

Dangerous work but it must be done.

Helloooo Newman: The Horned Melon Rub

Helloooo Newman: The Horned Melon Rub: Congratulations to Matthew McConaughey for committing so much to his new role by gaining 50 lbs. For my next blog, on healthy fruit, ...

The Horned Melon Rub

Congratulations to Matthew McConaughey for committing so much to his new role by gaining 50 lbs.

For my next blog, on healthy fruit, I will swallow a large bag of persimmons, followed by a rambutan juice cleanse, and finally a back rub using the essence of a horned melon.

All while I write.

I think you should know how committed I am to the process.

BUT – I don't go bragging about it on t.v., do I?

Helloooo Newman: Javascript

Helloooo Newman: Javascript: All this time, I've been an expert in javascript.

Javascript

All this time, I've been an expert in javascript.

Helloooo Newman: March Madness

Helloooo Newman: March Madness: I'm so excited to be going away March Break for the first time in my life. Since I'll be on a beach, I need to get in shape ...

March Madness

I'm so excited to be going away March Break for the first time in my life.

Since I'll be on a beach, I need to get in shape like mad.

For this trip, I've picked a butternut squash shape. And I'm almost there. Just put a speedo on the squash above and you have the picture.

The location is classified, mostly cuz Justin Trudeau might show up and give me a hug.

Helloooo Newman: The Fast Lane

Helloooo Newman: The Fast Lane: I tried fasting last Saturday. Why is it called fasting ? It was the slowest, longest, most agonizing day of my life. The next ...

The Fast Lane

I tried fasting last Saturday.

Why is it called fasting? It was the slowest, longest, most agonizing day of my life.

The next day was half as long, and I ate twice as much.

Helloooo Newman: Las Vegan

Helloooo Newman: Las Vegan: Just got back from Las Vegan. What happens in Las Vegan stays in your stomach for 8 hours, slowly moving to your colon, giving you ca...

Las Vegan

Just got back from Las Vegan.

What happens in Las Vegan stays in Las Vegan. Actually, it stays in your stomach for 8 hours, slowly moving to your colon, giving you cancer and killing you.

The house always wins.

Helloooo Newman: Soft Lights, Camera, Action

Helloooo Newman: Soft Lights, Camera, Action: As I age, my life is more and more of a movie. Lighting is all-important. I can only bare to shave by soft candlelight. Anything brig...

Soft Lights, Camera, Action

As I age, my life is more and more of a movie. Lighting is all-important.

I can only bare to shave by soft candlelight. Anything brighter and I look like a spent dryer sheet – or the offspring of Keith Richards and a Chinese Shar-Pei.

Boy, I hope I don't wake up one morning and find a dog's head in my bed. Not that movie!

Helloooo Newman: Vegan Meat

Helloooo Newman: Vegan Meat: I've finally made the switch to vegan meat. That's meat from an animal that is off meat.

Vegan Meat

I've finally made the switch to vegan meat.
That's meat from an animal that is off meat.

Helloooo Newman: 1001 Wines

Helloooo Newman: 1001 Wines: There's an old advertising writer's trick that you need to be aware of. (Yes, you can end a sentence with "of") P...

1001 Wines

There's an old advertising writer's trick that you need to be aware of.

(Yes, you can end a sentence with "of")

Perhaps you've read these books:

11 Routes to a Fuller Orgasm
9 Teen-Raising Strategies that Don't Involve Skin Lacerations
1001 Wines

Can you guess the trick?

Here's the trick: When making a list, never use even numbers. Readers are more convinced by odd numbers because, so the argument goes, it seems less deliberate, as if the writer went to great lengths to weed out the "best of".

(Again with the "of")

You don't want a book on the 1000 best wines. You need that one last bottle, the one the writer almost forgot because he was tangled in the grapevines, shit-faced on the first thousand bottles.

Author: Sam, stop the press. I found that one extra bottle.
Publisher: It's at the book store.
Author: What are people going to do with the 1000 best wines, you moron? It's ruined.

Don't even bother drinking that last bottle of wine or having that 11th orgasm. Your thirst will not be slaked and the orgasm will most assuredly be faked.

And forget the teen-raising strategies. None of them will work. Just go with physical violence.

Helloooo Newman: The Elephone in the Room

Helloooo Newman: The Elephone in the Room: Okay, the iPhone is getting too big now. I don't think this will fit in my car.

The Elephone in the Room

Okay, the iPhone is getting too big now. I don't think this will fit in my car.

Helloooo Newman: Heaven Going to the Dogs?

Helloooo Newman: Heaven Going to the Dogs?: What are your thoughts on the afterlife? Is your life but a mere horror-d'oeuvre before the luxurious  all-inclusive meal? Is Heave...

Heaven Going to the Dogs?

What are your thoughts on the afterlife? Is your life but a mere horror-d'oeuvre before the luxurious all-inclusive meal? Is Heaven eagerly awaiting your arrival (but not too soon I hope)?

I think if there's an afterlife for peeps, there must be one for dogs. You can't tell me that Heaven let's me in (have you seen my morning face?) but doesn't roll out the cloud for the likes of Newman's cutes.

No dog owner on earth believes in Heaven, but simultaneously believes their dog won't be patiently waiting for them.

That would constitute dognitive dissonance.

But hang on a dog-tootin' moment. If dogs are in Heaven, there's dog poop all over Heaven. Alive, Newman can't use a toilet, and I don't see that changing in Heaven, where everything is about relaxing and floating around, not learning new skills.

The Holy Bible is mute on all this, as far as I can make it out. Don't quote me, as the last time I read The Holy Bible I was vacationing on the holodeck with Tasha Yar after inhaling jugs of Jig-A-Loo used for a BBQ cleaning.

If Heaven is covered in dog poop, that ain't Heaven. That's my backyard. My backyard ain't Heaven.

Therefore, there's no Heaven and no afterlife for anyone.

Now get back to life. Your dog is hungry.

Helloooo Newman: A New Perspective on Parking

Helloooo Newman: A New Perspective on Parking: The Voyager 1 probe was launched from earth in 1977. Its mission is to probe space. That's why it's called a probe. Voyager ...

A New Perspective on Parking

The Voyager 1 probe was launched from earth in 1977. Its mission is to probe space. That's why it's called a probe.

Voyager 1 trots along at a healthy 62,140 km/h, has travelled nearly 20 billion kilometres in almost 40 years, and still hasn't left our solar system.

Maybe it's not unreasonable that I have to park two blocks away from the dentist and walk.

Helloooo Newman: Studies Show?

Helloooo Newman: Studies Show?: A new study finally shows that studies don't show things,  showing that studies show things.

Studies Show?

A new study shows that studies don't show things, 

thereby showing that studies show things.

Helloooo Newman: Like a Yoyo

Helloooo Newman: Like a Yoyo: It's time we retire the word "yoyo" to describe events that go wildly up and down all the time, like the weather. It&#...

Like a Yoyo

It's time we retire the word "yoyo" to describe events that go wildly up and down all the time, like the weather.

It's stale, boring, and let's face it, when was the last time you yoyoed? I didn't think so.

"Oh, isn't this weather crazy? -10 today, +3 yesterday. Up and down like a yoyo."

Gggrroooaaann.

Every time I tried "Walk the Dog", it resembled "Putting the Dog Down". The damn yoyo wouldn't come back up. The string would tangle and I'd throw the mess at my brother.

One time it came up directly into my scrotum. That's called "Fucking the Dog".

I think a much more effective term is Bipolar Person. "This climate change, it's turning the weather into a bipolar person."

Then you can follow up with, "I wish this weather would make up its mind. It's so moody."

Isn't that beautiful? It also publicizes the plight of bipolar people, who need our help.

"Another bipolar day. Shit, that reminds me, have to take my meds."

I considered "erection", but for most men this is always up for half their life and then down for the rest. There's not enough "up and down" there.

Others I considered were "drowning person" (bobs up and down until they die), "crack addict" and "trampoline artist".

I think you'll agree "bipolar person" wins it.

Helloooo Newman: Cereal Hacker

Helloooo Newman: Cereal Hacker: Putin hacked my Alpha-Bits and changed the letters to cerealic

Cereal Hacker

Putin hacked my Alpha-Bits and changed the letters to cerealic.

Or is that cyrillic? Ya, that.

Helloooo Newman: Mammogram

Helloooo Newman: Mammogram: Who came up with the word mammogram ? I'm guessing a man. Mammogram is too similar to words like cookiegram and balloonagram fo...

Mammogram

Who came up with the word mammogram? I'm guessing a man.

Mammogram is too similar to words like cookiegram and balloonagram for my comfort. I might venture a guess that the man who coined this term wasn't getting the serious nature of the topic. Typical man thing to do.

It sounds like something delivered by a stripper to an office party.

"Hey Jim, you got a mammogram out front. You'll never get through all that. Gonna share?"

I've come up with some far superior names. They combine the playful, to reduce anxiety around the procedure, and the serious, so we're all on the same page about the vital nature of this test.

Mamm Exam: I love the lyrical rhyme, paired with the clinical nature of the description. Almost like pairing a nice red wine with a well-marbled side of beef.

Breast Test: A little less clinical, but still love the rhyme.

Tit Test: Before you get mad at me for the crudeness of "tit", remember that "tit" is the name of a bird. Context is everything. Okay, this might be the wrong context, but the alliteration is funky.

Let's wait to see which one of these terms gets widely-adopted by doctors.

Helloooo Newman: All Cync, No Action

Helloooo Newman: All Cync, No Action: Starting tomorrow, all my phone conversations will be lip-synced,  including land line, cell, Skype, walkie-talkie and kids plast...

All Cync, No Action

Starting tomorrow, all my phone conversations will be lip-synced, 

including land line, cell, Skype, walkie-talkie and kids plastic play phone.

I haven't decided whose voice I will use. Some contenders are: 

Walter Cronkite, Stephen Hawking and Marcel Marceau.

Helloooo Newman: Hook, Line, and Syncer

Helloooo Newman: Hook, Line, and Syncer: Mariah Carey invited me to play the piano at one of her intimate concerts. I said, "Sure. Do you mind if I finger-sync?" ...

Hook, Line, and Syncer

Mariah Carey invited me to play the piano at one of her intimate concerts.

I said, "Sure. Do you mind if I finger-sync my part?"

Helloooo Newman: Take One

Helloooo Newman: Take One: Dreaming is thinking – without an editor

Take One

Dreaming is imagination – without an editor

Helloooo Newman: To Thine Own Self Be Brew

Helloooo Newman: To Thine Own Self Be Brew: It was tough going, but I managed to cram all my new-fangled resolutions into one day, so now I'm free to be my regular lazy-ass se...

To Thine Own Self Be Brew

It was tough going, but I managed to cram all my new-fangled resolutions into one day, so now I'm free to be my regular lazy-ass self for the rest of the calendar year.

Helloooo Newman: The Quiet Cargo Ship

Helloooo Newman: The Quiet Cargo Ship: Have you ever had a Chinese cargo ship sail through your bedroom while you try to sleep? I've been visited for the last week, so ...

The Quiet Cargo Ship

Have you ever had a Chinese cargo ship sail through your bedroom while you try to sleep?

I've been visited for the last week, so far. It sails under the name: My Wife Snoring.

My dear, sweet wife has a cold. The sound she produces whilst asleep can only be compared to a Chinese container ship, angrily tooting at the Trump tariff it will soon have to pay.

This is why I need: EARLIDS

I'm a huge fan of evolution. She made me to damn near perfection. I suffer hypertension, anxiety, hemochromatosis, depression, below normal self esteem, above normal self esteem, and unsightly hair growth.

Nearish perfection.

But she left some important features out. Like earlids.

We have eyelids. They work great for not having to look at ugly things, like people wearing their new xmas-gift-sweater-vest, or all the botched facelifts out there.

Why not earlids? Think of the uses. When your boss speaks. When your spouse speaks. When a man is using his favourite sex toy in your vicinity: leaf blower or power washer.

Obviously, they can't work like regular eyelids. If they closed every minute or so, you would get, "Look out, the (silence) will explode (silence) if you (silence) first push the (silence) and turn the (silence)" KABOOM. See what I mean?

They would close on command.

And no earlashes. I've got enough hair around there.

Earlids: There were no ships sailing in my bedroom last night.

Helloooo Newman: So Lifelike

Helloooo Newman: So Lifelike: I've been reviewing the many performance of Keanu Reeves and suddenly I realized that he is the original creator of the M...

So Lifelike

I've been reviewing the many performances of Keanu Reeves and suddenly I realized that he is the original creator of the Mannequin Challenge.

Helloooo Newman: Detalks

Helloooo Newman: Detalks: I'm on a week-long detalks . Christmas was just crazy, eating and drinking and chatting. Especially the chatting. I really over-i...

Detalks

I'm on a week-long detalks.

Christmas was just crazy, eating and drinking and chatting. Especially the chatting. I really over-indulged in the chatting.

My mouth needs a break.

I wish my wife would join me.

Helloooo Newman: New Year Nazi

Helloooo Newman: New Year Nazi: I never wish kids "Happy New Year". Anyone under 19, forget it. They haven't earned such a high-status greeting from me...

New Year Nazi

I never wish kids "Happy New Year".

Anyone under 19, forget it. They haven't earned such a high-status greeting from me. Besides, they have no idea what it means to "live" (to "live" in quotes is harder), to suffer a terrible year and crave a new beginning, psychologically speaking.

Hey Trev, heard your hockey team came in second. That's a tragedy. Mom's ditching the Escalade and the equipment because you suck in goal. Gee, I hope next year treats you better.

I figure kids are too stupid or stoned or horny or strung out at the mall to understand the significance of resolutions, self-improvement and the luck of being alive. Life is a gift, not a series of gift cards you spend at H&M.

I substitute "Happy New Year" with, "Aren't you back in school yet? You know, I've watched wars go by, friends die of terrible diseases, suicides, been out of work, almost died of pneumonia myself, and here you are looking like the new pattern on my sofa. That kinda sucks, you know."

I finish off with, "Say hi to your parents for me."