Helloooo Newman: Undersecretary of Abortion Reversal

Helloooo Newman: Undersecretary of Abortion Reversal: Mr. Trump is finally getting more specific about his policies, and I love what I hear. He calls for abortion to be illegal. He goes on...

Undersecretary of Abortion Reversal

Mr. Trump is finally getting more specific about his policies, and I love what I hear.

He calls for abortion to be illegal. He goes one step further (unusual for him) and says women that have abortions must be punished.

I am now in official talks with the Trump camp to be his Undersecretary of Abortion Reversal in his administration.

There's really only one suitable punishment for women that abort babies.

Make them have another baby.

That's where I come in (ahem). I will track and impregnate these evil-doers.

Well, only the young, attractive ones. My staff takes care of the rest.

Boy, I hope Amber Heard gets an abortion.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I guess these ISIS guys work up a real appetite while roaming around the world terrifying everyone. Just before they commit their horr...

Musings and Woes

I guess these ISIS guys work up a real appetite while roaming around the world terrifying everyone.

Just before they commit their horrible crimes, they all holler, "Hello snack bar."

Is there some kind of food truck that follows them around? That sounds awfully dangerous.

Why don't they just carry some of those Nature Valley sweet and salty bars in their explosives bag? They do wonders for my energy when I'm running away from a crime scene.

I like the peanut butter best. They should eat the bars with dried fruit in them, seeing as fresh fruit is probably hard to come when they're on the run.

Of course, if they die in their attack, they don't need fresh fruit. But then, they don't need a snack bar either. Huh. Pretty confusing.

Not a very smart outfit, this ISIS.

Helloooo Newman: A la cartes

Helloooo Newman: A la cartes: René Descartes Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." His brother, A la cartes, said, "I feel, therefore I am rig...

A la cartes

René Descartes

Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am."

His brother, A la cartes, said, "I feel, therefore I am right."

The first quote is a dictum for the ages.

The second is a dicktum for today, when we can order what feels good, and always be right.

A la cartes

Helloooo Newman: President Winchester

Helloooo Newman: President Winchester: The GOP elites have finally agreed on who will replace the highly unpopular Donald Trump as their impending leader. Obviously, they wa...

President Winchester

The GOP elites have finally agreed on who will replace the highly unpopular Donald Trump as their impending leader.

Obviously, they want a true conservative. A person who yearns for all Americans to own and carry a gun or, even better, an entire armoury.

No one person fits this bill precisely, so they're going to the source.

The GOP will nominate a gun for President. The Winchester Pump shotgun.

This prized gun, the world's fastest pump action, will be calling the shots in Washington, once elected.

President Winchester. A candidate of high calibre.

This president will get more done than all the President's before him. He can call three shots in half a second. That's a ton of decision-making.

When he vetoes a bill, all that's left is a puff of smoke, and a Congress running for their lives.

Go ahead, try and argue against the second amendment. He'll shoot holes right through your argument, and you might get hit too.

The savings to taxpayers will be enormous. He eats only one thing – big-ass shells. Goodbye expensive and unnecessary White House chef.

No Secret Service needed. President Winchester is his own security.

No White House needed. He lives in a shiny case, and a walnut gun cabinet for those public appearances.

America will be tough again. Imagine Mr. Putin's face when he has President Winchester staring him in the forehead. Put that shirt back on, you pussy Russian.

In keeping with the racial sensitivity that the GOP is known for, the new President Winchester will be black, as you can see in the handsome campaign photo above.

Every President needs a First Lady. Meet Mrs. Beretta Bobcat (pictured below). A gun for ladies, with all the right lady parts.

President and First Lady Winchester.

Their aim is true.

They are loaded and ready to lead.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I saw this thing on the news the other day. You know the news. The program that shows you body parts in Brussels and lifestyle choices...

Musings and Woes

I saw this thing on the news the other day.

You know the news. The program that shows you body parts in Brussels and lifestyle choices in your kitchen, all in half an hour.

They were trying to convince me of the benefits meditation offers. I'm already a believer so no convincing needed.

They featured a gorgeous couple meditating quietly in this cavernous home nested in the Alps (the balcony was carved out of the rock) with a view that I would probably sell my family to experience every day.

Does one really need to meditate in a place like this? Does the mountain view – the violence of nature, now resting – get on their nerves?

So much are they stressed, they close their eyes and meditate.

"Wow, those mountains are spectacular, and it cost me $20,000 for the weekend rental, but I'm gonna close my eyes and pretend nothing exists."

I think if I were there I would try not to blink for 3 days so I could admire God's beauty.

Am I suppose to relate to this couple? Didn't work.

I was left with the impulse, albeit short lasting, to torture them for their Swiss bank account numbers, rent the verdant abode myself, introduce the couple to "cliff diving" and continue on meditating.

Let's face it. Meditation is needed by the hordes who ride the subway and scrape feces off their shoes, not the champagne-swilling jet class.

Helloooo Newman: He's the reasonable one?

Helloooo Newman: He's the reasonable one?: If I were to vote Republican in the U.S. election, I'm told – which is to say, if I were to cut my eyelids off and serve them on cra...

He's the reasonable one?

If I were to vote Republican in the U.S. election, I'm told – which is to say, if I were to cut my eyelids off and serve them on crackers dabbed with couscous butter, to good friends, no less – I am to vote for John Kasich. The only reasonable choice among the GOP.

I was really believing this. I was ready to make Kasich my BFF.

Only now, BFF stand for best friend carrying a firearm.

Kasich wants to get rid of gun safety zones – gun-free areas where people aren't allowed to carry and conceal weapons.

You know what? There probably is an argument to be made against safety zones, given that every square inch of U.S. earth outside of those zones is teeming with gun-totting "second amendmenters".

Damn him. He went on to say that he doesn't want to infringe on people's "God-given right to carry handguns…" (my italics)

Is this statement more profoundly stupid than anything Trump has said? It just may be.

Let's think this through. I know that's asking a lot from a Republican these days, but just for fun…

Does God carry and conceal? Why?

Did He do His own background check? What did it turn up? Said applicant created a world where people suffer and die horrible, random deaths…oh, and some nice stuff happens too.

Why do you even need a background check if guns are a God-given right? You don't need a licence to practice democracy.

Will I need a handgun in Heaven?

I guess this is God as Clint Eastwood…Do you feel lucky…well, do you?…punk?

Jesus must have carried too. Is that the bulge in his loin cloth? Why didn't He use it against the Romans? Is there no more perfect time to defend oneself?

Let's consider more earthly questions.

If God wants you to carry a handgun, doesn't that mean the Second Amendment is handed down from God? Wouldn't that mean the Constitution itself is also God-given?

The Koran, we are told, is also handed down from, um, a competing God…Allah.

Does Kasich have an ISIS licence? Is the U.S a Caliphate?

I thought the Constitution was suppose to be a document (not a holy script) written by rational MEN, not handed down from God? Separation of… well, you know.

Maybe the real tragedy is that everyone has a right to carry a microphone. Please, God-totting Kasich, conceal that microphone.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: So looking forward to this Viagra-free Sunday. The Res-Erection.

Musings and Woes

So looking forward to this Viagra-free Sunday.

The Res-Erection.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I gave a piano concert last night at Roy Thompson Hall The audience started booing and yelling. "Stop it, already", I said...

Musings and Woes

I gave a piano concert last night at Roy Thompson Hall

The audience started booing and yelling.

"Stop it, already", I said. "The piano only sounds out of tune, okay?"

Helloooo Newman: The Origin of TGIF

Helloooo Newman: The Origin of TGIF: Jesus: Listen, God, I've been thinking and I feel we should call it TJIF. God: Huh? Jesus: Thank Jesus it's Friday. It's...

The Origin of TGIF

Jesus: Listen, God, I've been thinking and I feel we should call it TJIF.

God: Huh?

Jesus: Thank Jesus it's Friday. It's catchier than Good Friday. We want people following us, right?

God: Acronyms are tacky. Look what they've done with LOL. Totally overused. Drives me nuts. Sometimes I feel like crashing the whole Goddamn internet on them.

Jesus: Ya but it fits really nicely on the sign I'm making.

God: Sign? You mean a sign of God?

Jesus: Sort of. I'm starting a bar. TJIFs.

God: You'll be too busy with the Resurrection.

Jesus: There's a ton of time between that and my second coming, right? I'm sittin' around here waiting for you to send me back. "Where the hell is he?", people are asking.

God: What's with your name being on the sign? I'm in charge and you still give me grief on that. I mean, between you and Lucifer…Pisses me right off. This is exactly why I invented lightning.

Jesus: Jesus. I'm the one that died.

God: Are you dead now? Well?

Jesus: I'm unemployed…Fine. TGIFs.

God: I like that. Will you serve your blood?

Jesus: Not so much. More beer and wine. There'll be spirits too! Chicken wings, of course.

God: Who's bartending?

Jesus: Bartholomew. Get it? Bar?

God: Watch him. He takes from the donation basket. Oh, and I want 50%.

Jesus: Are you kidding me?

God: Say hello to my little friend, your new crucifix.

Jesus: 50% sounds great.

Helloooo Newman: Good Friday

Helloooo Newman: Good Friday: Good Friday is the day Jesus was crucified. Sunday He rose from the dead. I can't think of any other meaningful way to honour that...

Good Friday

Good Friday is the day Jesus was crucified. Sunday He rose from the dead.

I can't think of any other meaningful way to honour that than to hide egg-shaped chocolate.

Good Friday is suppose to be a quiet day of mourning and reflection. I've been looking in the mirror all day and I'm actually quite enthralled with it. So that's why it's called "Good".

Helloooo Newman: Why Write?

Helloooo Newman: Why Write?: As I've written about many times before, I have a huge fan base for my blog. Some of the countries my blog is consumed in (according to ...

Why Write?

As I've written about many times before, I have a huge fan base for my blog. Some of the countries my blog is consumed in (according to Google stats) are Russia, Germany, Austria, Romania, Poland, Portugal and Yousuckistan. That last one must be a new country, but I'll take it.

I'd like to thank the one reader from each of these countries. It's a lonely feeling, isn't it? Reading this blog, I mean. It's hard to believe this planet is bulging at the seams with 7 billion people when you sit down to read this blog.

You'd think you were on Uranus. Or in a lineup to hear Rubio speak about how he went from the son of poor Cuban immigrants to plus size hand model.

I use to have readers from Mexico, but taking a card from Mr. Trump's deck, I built a big shiny firewall to keep them out. Way too hard to climb over and read my articles. Rapists and drug dealers are not welcome here.

It's too bad reading this blog can't be a shared experience.

"Hey, what did you think of Helloooo Newman's take on the U.S. election?"

"Quiet, my nails are drying."

At home, I often get massive, rowdy crowds of one or two people swarming me, asking me questions about my creative process.

What inspires you?

Well, usually it's the hard work of other writers who I steal from.

Why do you write, Paul?

Boredom is usually the answer for that one. Lack of full employment is another. Mostly boredom.

I just read somewhere that they scanned Shakespeare's grave and his skull is missing. That's pretty ironic.

"Alas poor Shakespeare, I knew him well. In High School. Where I failed 5 years in a row."

I wonder if someone will steal my skull. I hope it's not completely empty, like it is now. I hope, at least, it's full of dirt.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: One of my favourite phrases people use is, "I can't afford that" when they really mean, "That's a piece of shit and I...

Musings and Woes

One of my favourite phrases people use is, "I can't afford that" when they really mean, "That's a piece of shit and I don't want to waste my money on it."

I can't tell you how many of my male friends suddenly "couldn't afford" anything when I suggested we see Brokeback Mountain and then go camping.

Last week I actually paid $6 for a Sensodyne toothbrush. On the sound advice of my dentist.

When I told people, they were like, "You spent how much?"

Let me be clear. It wasn't 6 million dollars. What am I to do?

"Hey Paul, want to grab a coffee?"

"Naw, I'm saving up for a toothbrush. Thanks anyway."

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's International Night Day. Take a look at the celebrations below…

Musings and Woes

It's International Night Day. Take a look at the celebrations below…

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: People with dogs always call themselves dog lovers. Why? People with kids don't call themselves kid lovers. Hi, I'm a wife lover. Yo...

Musings and Woes

People with dogs always call themselves dog lovers. Why? People with kids don't call themselves kid lovers. Hi, I'm a wife lover. You own a dog. You own a wife. Maybe some of the time you love them. But all the time? Stop lying!



Last week I saw a t.v. ad featuring Ron Reagan (son of Ronald) espousing atheism. He was pleading with me to join a group of atheists.

Excuse me, what?

Will Ron be on t.v., the "Céline Dion" of atheist preachers (remember Jimmy Swaggart?), sobbing, collecting money to spread the non-word, hey crippled lady in the back, get use to that wheelchair, there is no God and no one is gonna fix you?

Now we have groups insisting we believe in God and groups insisting we don't believe in God. I find both equally disturbing. I'm on the fence about God/no God, but I'm sure He'll be upset when He hears about all this.

Helloooo Newman: Very Presidental of Her

Helloooo Newman: Very Presidental of Her: Last Saturday I was, yet again, captured by a female ISIS employee and tortured. Her code name in Canada is: dentist Three hours of ...

Very Presidental of Her

Last Saturday I was, yet again, captured by a female ISIS employee and tortured.

Her code name in Canada is: dentist

Three hours of merciless pain, rubbing, drilling, cutting, sticking, poking, hammering, sanding and a plethora of other "ings" was delivered to my mouth – Along with smoke, steam, spit, water, latex and flouride. A deadly mix of flavours I've only ever experienced at the Olive Garden salad bar.

I kept asking her what she wanted to know from me. "I'll answer all your questions", I pleaded.

She had none. She was quite satisfied with holding a contest to see how many metal instruments can fit in the average human mouth without killing the victim.

She also applied the hippo test. The hippo can open its mouth wider than any other land animal – 3 ft. (1m). She never told me how I compared, but she was definitely curious to see if I could put the hippo where my mouth is.

At the 2-hour mark, I decided she was the ancestor of Gutzon Borglum.

Borglum is the man who designed and chiseled Mount Rushmore.

So. That was her raison dental.

She couldn't exactly go to the nearest mountain and blast the most recent Presidential faces into it – not with the permits and licences you need these days. It took me four years at the permits committee just to replace a rotting board on my backyard fence. "How many trees will die for this?"

My dentist was carving her own Mount Rushmore, rather, Mouth Rushmore.

A much smaller version. When finished, it was beautiful work. The likenesses were – Presidental.

The quality was not in question.

Her historical accuracy was!

Spanning the gap where my top central incisors use to be was the bust of Michael Dukakis.

HE WASN'T EVEN PRESIDENT, I screamed.

Look at him. He makes Dubya look outright Presidential.

"Shut your mouth. Or I'll make them all Trump."

Helloooo Newman: This is why Trump will be President

Helloooo Newman: This is why Trump will be President: I took an informal poll of professional comedians in the United States. By "informal" I mean I sent them a questionnaire and...

This is why Trump will be President

I took an informal poll of professional comedians in the United States.

By "informal" I mean I sent them a questionnaire and they all ignored it.

The results were startling.

Every single one of them is voting for Donald Trump. That's my conclusion, anyway, after pouring over the research. Pouring lots of beer, too. Also, accidentally pouring beer on my research.

I would vote for him if I could. Thankfully I can't, so I don't have to live with the shame, private as it would be.

It's inevitable that every comedian in the U.S. will vote Trump, because no useful comedian would turn down four years (eight years?) of the richest comedic material since Christianity started.

If you are a comedian and you don't vote for Trump, you are saying, "Go ahead, fire my ass, end my career, take my audience away, I want to go back to being a baggage handler for American Airlines."

Don't kid yourself. Behind the snarky sarcasm and preachy speeches, the Jimmy's (Fallon and Kimmel), Colbert, Noah, Myers, DeGeneres, Conan, Bee, the myriad of lesser-knowns and all the peripheral employees will be sneaking into a voting booth in Buford, Wyoming (smallest town in America, pop. 1, rising to 1,000,000 on election day), casting for Trump, getting a beet juice colon wash as a cleansing ritual, and then getting down to funny business.

These are the people that will turn the election in Trump's favour. The undecided (wink, wink) decideds. The comedic cabal, if you will.

If you are a comedy consumer, you will be, in the end, quite happy that comedians took charge of this process. You will laugh uproariously for four years (eight years?) and still look in the mirror, saying, "I didn't bring Trump to office, they did."

What's that famous line about comedy? Voting for Trump is hard, the comedy is easy.

Helloooo Newman: Boots on the Ground

Helloooo Newman: Boots on the Ground: If you're anything like me, you enjoy the "seariously" cowy taste of Trump steak and the liquidy wetness of Trump water. ...

Boots on the Ground

If you're anything like me, you enjoy the "seariously" cowy taste of Trump steak and the liquidy wetness of Trump water.

His steaks are so beautifully marbled, I had my kitchen counters made out of them. His water is so pure, I baptized all my kids, and pets, in it.

And now, finally, Mr. Trump is coming out with a much-needed product for these dangerous times: boots on the ground.

"We need boots on the ground", says Mr. Trump, and he delivers.

The boots are big and shiny. Each pair comes resting on a piece of hallowed ground, personally walked on by Mr. Trump.

Each boot will be named Jack, and have a big letter "J" on it. Hence, Jackboot. "J" is also Mr. Trump's middle initial, and, coincidentally, begins the words "jerk" and "jingoistic".

Before putting on these gems, all customers are to salute the boot and bellow "Jack. On." When removing, "Jack. Off." is the appropriate call.

His first shipment of boots on the ground is headed to Syria, where he expects them to sell briskly.

The quality of these boots is without question. Mr. Trump expects the boots to survive much longer than the troops, um, customers, wearing them in the Middle East.

Mr. Trump was asked if he's concerned about putting boots on the ground in the Middle East.

"What are we going to have, boots on a shelf? Is America an elf on a shelf? Boots belong on the ground."

"Look, vote for Bernie Sanders and you'll get moccasins on the ground. Hillary will give us pumps or high heels on the ground. It won't work, folks."

Once Mr. Trump is President, he will sell the boots on the ground directly from the Oval Office, throwing pairs out those big windows behind his chair. You'll get a free pair with the White House tour.

Domestic sales are expected to be driven mostly by the fact that he will force every citizen to wear a pair, or they'll be booted out of the country.

The Joint Chiefs are skeptical of Mr. Trump's boots on the ground, mostly because they prefer the Pentagon's radar-evading version at the much fairer price of $1 billion each.

I asked Mr. Trump if he was aware that "boots on the ground" is an example of a synedoche, and one of his supporters punched me in the face.

Ouch!

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Someone called me the salt of the earth the other day. I said, "I hope not. I've got high blood pressure!"

Musings and Woes

Someone called me the salt of the earth the other day.

I said, "I hope not. I've got high blood pressure!"

Do you think he meant to insalt me?

Helloooo Newman: He's a Face-Painter

Helloooo Newman: He's a Face-Painter: Ah, I get it now. He's a face-painter. Nuttin wrong with that.

He's a Face-Painter

Ah, I get it now.

He's a face-painter.

Nuttin wrong wit dat.