Last week I visited my very old high school, which is now a brand new high school, and found out one of my closest friends received a university scholarship after grade 13.
His name is on a plaque. The plaque came alive, reached out and burned into my forehead the words "Hey Paul, look what I got, you loser."
I wanted to burn the school down. It's really hard to set brick on fire, let alone get the high temperature needed to melt a plaque.
I suppose my friend is gifted, like so many other people walking around these days.
I can't stand gifted people. Okay, I don't really mind them. It's more like trying to mix O.J. and milk. Bleueeckkk.
You see, I'm on a rarely-talked about list.
I was born re-gifted.
Yup – I'm like that bottle of wine that no one wants. Hey, here's some wine from the Gobi Desert. Just add water and shake.
It's passed 'round and 'round until finally someone needs to clean their silver with something very acidic.
You can always tell the regifted wine bottles. They're either still in that thin, tall bag or people separate them out from the fine wine.
Same happened to me. If you look at the family photos you'll notice I'm always on the side, a bit away from everyone else.
That's Paul. He's over there because we'll probably regift him soon.
Too bad it's against the law to pass on re-gifted children like they're a wine bottle.
Hey Frank, I brought a little kid with me in case Janice can't get pregnant. Go ahead, keep him. You can always unload him later.
If I were a math symbol I would be the less than symbol (<). Gifted people are, of course the greater than symbol (>). Beats being zero, which means you're dead.
Other symbols that describe me: square root. Whatever you expect of me, take the square root and that's what you'll get.
I walked by an ex-toggery and all the employees came out and cooed – oh, there goes a re-gifted person. They know re-gifts when they see them. Let's put him on the rack, maybe someone will take him.
They don't even offer me gift receipts at the store. Ha ha ha, look at the poor regifted person. Probably buying that for himself.
Maybe calling myself regifted is a little too ambitious. I'm more like a loot bag from a snotty-nosed kid's party.
One thing I never do is buy gifted people Christmas or birthday presents. They've been gifted enough.
Regifteds don't find girlfriends. They are regifted girlfriends. All the single girls I ever met were girls my brother turned down. I assumed those girls learned how to turn me down from my brother.
Why was I born regifted? Most likely because my mom smoked and drank way more during my gestation than for the others. I was the last child of five, and not really wanted or expected. I was a regift from God. Yes, even the Man with everything regifts once in a while.
Know your gestation in life – that's what my mom always said.
I researched some of the qualities of gifted adults and I seem to fit right in.
Some of the qualities are:
Do you have a good long term memory?
Yes, there are several kids from grade school I still want to beat up
Do you have a vivid imagination?
I was single through my 20s and 30 so yes, I developed a very good imagination. In HD, in colour, no commercials, can pause it at any time. It's called Sexflix.
Can you concentrate for long periods of time?
Sometimes at a bar I have to spend a lot of time choosing a beer. That requires focus.
Are you very curious?
Yes. Why do celebrity women want their lips to look like inner tubes from a large truck? Marie Osmond's face looks like an upside down Hummer.
Thankfully, RE-gifted people look very forward to RE-incarnation!
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
