Eating More Slow Food

As I rapidly age, quickly heading towards THE END, I find that three things in my life are slowing down.

My Body. My mind. And my food.

Yes, my food is slowing down.

Fast food is a vanishing item on my daily menu.

This is a step forward because slower food is better for my body and mind, in theory anyway.

I have yet to see the benefits of food moving at a reduced speed, but I continue to believe all the studies out there saying I'll feel and look better.

Right now I'm just completely depressed!

Up until about today I have suffered from what scientists term EFG syndrome. Eating Fat and Grease.

Here are the ABCs of EFG.

Do you think my level of EFG affects my EKG? In today's parlance, IDK.

There is no vaccine against this so stop calling me Jenny McCarthy.

When I tell people I like burgers or steak or ribs or fried chicken, that's really kind of a lie. These foods are merely vehicles for carrying to my body what I really crave – EFG.

My craving for EFG starts around the time I open my eyes from a nice sleep. It only lasts for about 24 hours a day.

Some "experts" out there say that man wasn't meant to eat meat, or fat, or grains, or do anything that people actually enjoy doing.

It's hard to imagine that 4 million years ago, as man ventured out of Africa, battling climate change, mile-high sheets of ice, deadly animals and disease, that he would survive on a diet of tofu and kale salad.

I'm convinced if they search hard enough, archeologists will find the early remnants of the first bacon cheeseburger among the arrowheads and cave drawings.

It might be hard to spot at first – a small pile of sesame seeds from the bun, or a bit of the wrapper it came in. No doubt the skeleton found beside the bacon cheeseburger will have a big, toothy smile on its face. And you're telling me man wasn't meant to eat this crap? Booha!

Even today, we put a positive spin on fat. We all want a fat cheque, a fat chance in life, and we're all waiting for the fat lady to sing. Who's waiting for the skinny singer? Did Celine Dion just pop into your mind?

For the longest time the most popular Broadway show was – Grease! See my point?

I don't know why people are so concerned about being big. Have you read lately about how large the universe is? In human terms the universe is grotesquely obese. And it's getting larger by the second. What the hell is it eating, anyway? Dark matter? Sounds like the pudding at Denny's.

On the other hand, your body is a tiny speck on a speck that sits on the speck of a speck.

Go ahead and eat more. There's room!

The other day I was looking at gorgeous pictures of our galaxy, the Milky Way. Viewed from the side it looks an awful lot like a bacon cheeseburger. Mind you, the bun is too small for the patty. Bun to meat ratio is quite important. Still, there's a message there somewhere.

Think about it. Our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar. I guess the Kale Way was voted down.

Let's be careful. I'm not saying all fast food is the same. There's crap, and there's crap crap. Try eating at a Red Lobster.

There's only two things that always smell the same, no matter what they contain. Garbage and anything from Red Lobster.

While I was eating my steak and lobster, they gave me a lobster-shaped bib. After the meal I was thinking, why not a lobster-shaped diaper for the diarrhea later on.

I got to pick my own lobster. Can I pick the stomach ailment I'll get as well? Can I pick the bill I pay?

Everyone who eats there looks like that first creature that crawled out of the ocean. Something not quite meant to be on land yet.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the skinny on fat