You're that guy from…

Newman, and the blog that we started together, has changed my life.

I can't count the number of people who stop me on the street and croon, "Hey Newman, love your blog."

I don't have the heart to tell them my name isn't Newman.

Wonderful people yelling out of car windows, down from the concrete shells of burgeoning condos rising up to the diminishing ozone layer, the doorman at Holt's.

Sometimes they approach me in crowds of one or two. It's all, like, a dream.

I was at a Belly Buster submarine shop last week and they gave me the best seat in the house, even though it was extremely crowded. It coincided very nicely with the fact that I had to pee during my fine meal.

I get a lot of fan email too, although much of it asks me if I want to achieve a better sex life through a larger penis. Not sure what that has to do with my blog, but at least they enjoy the stories.

Many of these people, who have wonderful taste in reading, ask me, "Newman, how do you come up with your hilarious ideas?"

I tell them the truth. I don't come up with the ideas, Jesus does. I'd like to think they come directly from God herself, but I don't get enough hits for her to even be bothered. She sends her underling – directly into my brain.

The idea starts rather like a tumor. I get headaches, my nose starts to bleed. I clean the blood off the keyboard.

As the great idea grows it crowds out the rest of my brain and I lose all motor control, except the ability to type. I relent. The idea is in charge now. Soon there will be extremely funny, gripping articles.

The secret is ignoring these symptoms. Soon enough it metastasises into a very, very funny blog.

The idea takes over me, much like ISIS gobbling up prime Middle Eastern real estate. Luckily, I don't lose my head over things.

I could very easily lose my head over this fame. But I'm just like you, a regular guy, only with heaps of talent.

I admit my head swells a lot when I'm writing, but that's just the tumor idea expanding in my skull. It is NOT my ego.

One time, upon seeing the initial symptoms of my burgeoning great ideas, my wife called an ambulance. I refused to go. Plus my head was so large I couldn't fit in the back.

Also, OHIP doesn't cover brain swelling due to genius.

I've achieved such notoriety that the rumour I heard yesterday is, in fact, true.

Anson Williams, of Happy Days fame, is directing an updated version of Annie Hall, starring Jessica Biel and Zac Efron.

Do you recall that scene where Woody is in line for a movie and gets into an argument with the guy behind him? Woody cleverly calls upon Marshall McLuhan for an enlightened opinion.

Well, I'll be the new "Marshall McLuhan" in the new, improved Annie Hall.

Please, when you see me on the street, don't be afraid to come up and say hi. And if my head starts to grow, please stand back. There's funny writin' to do.