Chew or Chase

I've learned with Newman that you have to categorize his toys. To him they're all alike and they all serve the same purpose. Just like when I'm drunk – any beer will do, they all taste the same by then, they all serve the greater good of keeping me in good humour.

Two important categories for Newman's toys are chew toys and chase toys. The names are pretty much self-explanatory.

I found out the hard and embarrassing way that a chase toy should not become a chew toy.

Newman loves tennis balls. This is not unique among the canine population. This summer I tortured him by chaining him to the front of the t.v. to watch Wimbledon tennis and laughed at his several million failed attempts at getting the ball.

There is great danger in letting the tennis ball, clearly a chase toy, become a chew toy.

Let me explain. I was walking with Newman along our busy street when he began to assume the position known as Hold Up, I Gotta Crap.

I waited patiently with the retrieval bag around my hand.

Hmmm. It was taking longer than usual. Still waiting. Alright, now I gotta check things out.

I glanced at the magical poop hole and there it was. A little piece of brown dangling from the "area".

It kinda looked like Newman was giving birth to a brown sea monkey who was still attached to its umbilical cord.

From a different angle it looked like a fortune cookie – you will meet a Great Dane who loves walks in the park.

I surmised that Newman had been chewing the tennis ball for weeks and the fur built up in his bowels. Several pieces of fur got together and acted as an umbilical cord for this poor sea monkey, holding it just outside Newman's body and not letting go.

A baby sea monkey, hanging by a thread. My dignity, hanging be a thread.

I am tough. I did what I had to do. I reached over and tugged at the sea monkey, feeling like a brilliant doctor delivering a joyful mother her baby.

The umbilical cord did what umbilical cords do, I guess. It stretched and stretched…and then snapped.

I felt proud. I hope the driver who was beside me on the street stuck in traffic felt the same way. He had a front row seat to the show.

Newman is doing well after the procedure. Can't say the same thing for the sea monkey.