Rock Star Wanted

I can't decide which is worse, contracting leprosy or looking for a job.

Both have symptoms that are very hard to treat. Leprosy gives you disfiguring skin sores and bumps. Job hunting has symptoms such as fatigue, loss of self esteem, rejection, anger, futility, boredom, frustration, bewilderment, confusion, alcoholism, loss of appetite, resume envy, misanthropy, an urge to party with Rob Ford, phone fatigue, Google search fatigue…

This is a partial list of symptoms.

Looking for a job is a lot like speed dating. As you go through various interviews, you're meeting people you've never met before with the possibility of spending an awful lot of time with them.

And there's the possibility of screwing. Screwing around or getting screwed over.

A lot of the questions asked of you are the same too. Just make sure you change the answers where appropriate.

What do you like to do on your day off?

"I enjoy long walks in the park" could be changed to "I enjoy long hours toiling my butt away with brain-cremating work while you are off making little replicas of you and your blonde spouse in the back of your Escalade, parked in your semi-circular Post Road driveway".

I wonder who writes job descriptions. From the ads I've read, I would guess Bob and Doug McKenzie. In their basement.

I often see the request for a ROCK STAR. Excuse me, a what? Do I need to play an instrument at work? Should I come dressed as the latest incarnation of Miley Cyrus?

Gee, I'm not sure my tongue is long enough. Sorry, I don't do talentless skank.

One curious attribute a company demanded was to be "approachable". What am I, a tiger shark?

Did you interview the previous employee over an intercom?

One of my faves is "must be able to handle constructive criticism and rejection well". Yes, I have dated before. And I'm currently married. Requirement met!

Then there's the old 'be all that you can be': "Must be able to work on a team as well as independently". Must also be smart enough to do the job and dumb enough to stay.

I think this is my favourite job description:
Administrative Assistant/ Graphic Designer
The ideal candidate will have a mid to senior level graphic design background with an interest in administration.

Role and Responsibilities – Answering and directing phone inquiries, and, while you're at it:
Develop and administer content for multi-language website in HTML, FLASH, PHP, etc; translate into Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, etc.

What? Would I like to take a break from using my expensive Graphic Design and Translating degrees to answer your phones and type your letters? Golly gee, can I?

This is the job I would like to have:
Manager, Green Coffee at Smuckers
That's it? One particular bag of coffee only? I'm there.

I got an email from a headhunter, asking "I wonder if I can get IN FRONT of you for a few minutes to discuss blah, blah, blah". In front of me? I prefer if you get behind me so you can kiss my ass.

Why can't I just be a guy who shows up on time and does his work properly?