Helloooo Newman: My Recommendation

Helloooo Newman: My Recommendation: Don't those Facebook posts of people asking for recommendations on a service bug you? Thought so! Can someone recommend a dryer vent cle...

My Recommendation

Don't those Facebook posts of people asking for recommendations on a service bug you?

Thought so!

Can someone recommend a dryer vent cleaner? Hey, who's good at folding laundry? Especially underwear. Any good heart surgeons in the area? What are their Google reviews like?

I recommend you, ya lazy bum. Get off Facebook and show your spouse you're good for something.

Might start a show - DIY or DIE. If that already exists, they stole it from me.

Always pisses them off. I guess it makes sense my Facebook friends list is dropping off a bit.

Helloooo Newman: Live deliberately

Helloooo Newman: Live deliberately: Henry David Thoreau said we should "suck out all the marrow of life." But what if I'm a vegetarian? Should I suck out all the ...

Live deliberately

Henry David Thoreau said we should "suck out all the marrow of life."

But what if I'm a vegetarian?

Should I suck out all the beet juice of life?"

Yuck!

Helloooo Newman: Near Beer

Helloooo Newman: Near Beer: Now you can wash those skittles down with a beer, son. Finally, Ontario is getting beer in corner stores. Until now, it was only Ontario, No...

Near Beer

Now you can wash those skittles down with a beer, son.

Finally, Ontario is getting beer in corner stores. Until now, it was only Ontario, North Korea and the 7 other planets in the solar system that didn't offer this convenience.

And people are complaining already. It only took a $225 million ransom payment to the Beer Store.

That's a deal, as far as I can tell. Ontario sells 1.2 billion beers a year. Divided by $225 million, that's $4.44 a beer. Oh, so close to buck-a-beer.

Remember the pasta jobs? $170,000 per job, paid for by the government.

Remember $13 billion for 3000 jobs at a car battery plant? $4.3 million per job. Of course we'd take the money instead. We're not stupid. The politicians are.

Here's wise money spent. The Federal government gave someone (friends?) $9 million to study the effects of climate change on democracy. Sounds like a high school homework assignment. It's due Friday. If you're late, we'll give you more money.

So, what's the problem? A fat politician signing a fat cheque.

Oh, of course that money could be used for, say, more family doctors. But the family doctor will just tell you to stop drinking. Is that what you want to hear? When the beer is so near? Nonsense.

It's estimated in 1 million years Ontario will introduce liquor to corner stores. It will cost $10 trillion.

Welcome to modernity, Ontario. 

Helloooo Newman: Yin and yang

Helloooo Newman: Yin and yang: I washed down 50 sleeping pills with 50 Red Bulls. Felt incredibly perfect.

Yin and yang

I washed down 50 sleeping pills with 50 Red Bulls.

Felt incredibly perfect.

Helloooo Newman: Black hole paradox

Helloooo Newman: Black hole paradox: The other day I was sitting quietly when my wife asked me what I was thinking. I said, "the black hole paradox." "Oh, you mea...

Black hole paradox

The other day I was sitting quietly when my wife asked me what I was thinking.

I said, "the black hole paradox."

"Oh, you mean the paradox that black holes evaporate and all the information they contain seems to be lost but quantum physics tells us that information in the universe can't be lost in any way? That all information must be conserved?"

"I was thinking more about your credit card, but that's interesting too."

Helloooo Newman: Pyramid power

Helloooo Newman: Pyramid power: Historians have discovered that Metrolinx actually submitted a quote to build the ancient pyramids but lost out to 100,000 slaves. Good thin...

Pyramid power

Historians have discovered that Metrolinx actually submitted a quote to build the ancient pyramids but lost out to 100,000 slaves.

Good thing.

It only took 20 years to build them.

Helloooo Newman: Politics is all cosmetic

Helloooo Newman: Politics is all cosmetic: I wonder if Chrystia Freeland sees the irony in saying that Pierre Poilievre wears more makeup than her. Isn't it her boss that wore the...

Politics is all cosmetic

I wonder if Chrystia Freeland sees the irony in saying that Pierre Poilievre wears more makeup than her.

Isn't it her boss that wore the dreaded black makeup at a halloween party?

She said this in Parliament, and so had to take it back, like a big girl. Man, women can be bullies.

Having said that,  I think Pierre really could benefit from some makeup. It would distract from the bobblehead look he was born with. And those suits? I didn't know you could still buy Seersuckers for $10.

If Pierre wins, I suggest a dress to match the makeup. It's time for a female leader.

Helloooo Newman: Pasta dough

Helloooo Newman: Pasta dough: Are you hungry? Do you love pasta? Trudough spent $1.7 million to create 10 pasta jobs. I guess to ensure there's no shortage of pasta i...

Pasta dough

Are you hungry?

Do you love pasta?

Trudough spent $1.7 million to create 10 pasta jobs.

I guess to ensure there's no shortage of pasta in Canada.

We do this with dairy, too. In case there's a shortage, we all get to pay the 7th highest price for  milk out of 97 countries.

I wonder if they asked those 10 people, hey, do you want to make pasta or we just give you $170,000 up front?

I'd say pasta dough to me!

Helloooo Newman: Toronto Transit Omission

Helloooo Newman: Toronto Transit Omission: The TTC workers might go on strike. I wonder if we'll notice a difference in the service.

Toronto Transit Omission

The TTC workers might go on strike. I wonder if we'll notice a difference in the service.

Helloooo Newman: Gridding your teeth

Helloooo Newman: Gridding your teeth: Are you as excited about the future as I am? A Jetson-esque future of clean electric cars, no traffic, fresh air and a clean earth to live o...

Gridding your teeth

Are you as excited about the future as I am?

A Jetson-esque future of clean electric cars, no traffic, fresh air and a clean earth to live on.

It's coming soon. You know it's coming. You can feel it like an electric current in your bones. 

No, not the kind that powers an electric chair, to punish you for unspeakable crimes.

The kind that gives you goose bumples all over and excites you to live fully.

It's coming.

Oh. Except all that it takes to bring down the electrical grid that powers your dreams is a tiny little squirrel. Like the one that took out all of downtown Toronto.

One meagre rodent, among millions. Totally spoils the party. Second time it's happened in a month.

No more cars. No air conditioning. No heat. No TTC. No future.

You know the squirrel is coming.

Grid your teeth.

Helloooo Newman: Electric Gas

Helloooo Newman: Electric Gas: Bought an electric car but I'm putting a gas engine in it.  Runs way longer and it's easier to fill.

Electric Gas

Bought an electric car but I'm putting a gas engine in it. 

Runs way longer and it's easier to fill.

Helloooo Newman: Father's Day to the T

Helloooo Newman: Father's Day to the T: Father's Day is coming up. Just if you're having trouble finding something useful.

Father's Day to the T

Father's Day is coming up. Just if you're having trouble finding something useful.

Helloooo Newman: Hip-ster

Helloooo Newman: Hip-ster: The other day a group of young girls said to me, "hey, you're the new hipster." It made me feel really good. I'm doing som...

Helloooo Newman: Mancott

Helloooo Newman: Mancott: I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna eat a month's worth of food today and then mancott Loblaws for the month of May.

Mancott

I'm gonna be a man.

I'm gonna eat a month's worth of food today and then mancott Loblaws for the month of May.

Hip-ster

The other day a group of young girls said to me, "hey, you're the new hipster."

It made me feel really good. I'm doing something right.

Later it was explained to me they actually said, "hey, you need a new hip, sir".

Helloooo Newman: Taylor Made

Helloooo Newman: Taylor Made: I almost want to cheat so Taylor Swift will write a song about me.

Taylor Made

I almost want to cheat so Taylor Swift will write a song about me.

Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding

Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding: Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show? In Australia, of all places. I thought men i...

Yukky breastfeeding

Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show?

In Australia, of all places. I thought men in Australia worshipped breasts.

I'm a bit torn. Part of me says I would have kicked the mom out but asked the baby to stay. Not his fault.

But, and I hate to do this, I feel the need to ask all breastfeeding women reading this blog to stop reading, or feeding, NOW.

It distracts the readers. Especially me.

Noisy baby. Two bouncy castles in your face. Who can put a sentence together?

If you want to breastfeed in public, put it on YouTube or TikTok, like everyone else.

Send me the link. Just don't do it during my blog.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish: I have a secret fetish. I like to wear men's underwear. There. I said it. Go ahead, judge me. But don't tell anyone, okay?

Secret Fetish

I have a secret fetish.

I like to wear men's underwear.

There. I said it.

Go ahead, judge me.

But don't tell anyone, okay?

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list:   Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

The long bucket list

 

Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man: How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags. It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag. On the pl...

Bag Man

How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags.

It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag.

On the plus side, all the trees cut down to produce the bags will come from his cottage.

Helloooo Newman: Stoned

Helloooo Newman: Stoned: They survived the eclipse. Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Stoned

They survived the eclipse.

Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Helloooo Newman: LCBO

Helloooo Newman: LCBO: The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials. This means I will no longer for...

LCBO

The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials.

This means I will no longer forget to bring one of the 4000 reusable bags I have stored up in my closet. Bags that aren't recyclable, covered in mold and will end up in a landfill site.

A cynical person might think they are making a little money on the side charging for bags. But, of course, we aren't cynical here at Helloooo Newman. As always, the liquor people have our best interests at heart.

The LCBO will no longer stand for the Liquor Control Bags of Ontario.

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection: Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Always wear protection

Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality: In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself. We're tired of reality. I...

Suing Reality

In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself.

We're tired of reality. It's time things are the way they should be. We hope to win a lot of money, and make things the way we want them to be.

Next on the list. The English language, for having cuss words.

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain: Has everyone gone mad? Cancel school because of the eclipse? Wear special glasses? Watch it at nighttime, like me. Dummies

Total eclipse of the brain

Has everyone gone mad?

Cancel school because of the eclipse?

Wear special glasses?

Watch it at nighttime, like me.

Dummies

Helloooo Newman: KIA

Helloooo Newman: KIA: I've been car shopping recently. Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action. Rude a...

KIA

I've been car shopping recently.

Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action.

Rude and insensitive.